I try to encourage my adult sons to visit their grandmother in the NH, but they are very resistant for several reasons. Any advice?

Tell your sons that their grandmother would like to see them, and that it is not such a hardship for a grown man to spend a little time making an elderly lady happy even if he doesn't get a big emotional rush from it. It can be their Good Deed/a mitzvah/karma or whatever you like to call it. At the very least, it certainly won't do them any harm and it will do her spirits a power of good.

If they still won't do it, leave it there. It is sad, I agree, and I'm really hoping that they will be able to give themselves a bit of a shake and go along; but having said that…

Deep, sincere affection is a lifetime in the making. It requires two way input from the parties directly involved. Your mother has had all of your sons' lives to build a relationship with them, and if she hasn't done so, then there it is. Whatever you do, don't feel that the distance between these people whom you love is your fault.

You can't force your sons to go see their grandmother but have you tried telling them how much it would mean not only to you but to her as well?

I don't see anything wrong sprinkling a little guilt their way. No one likes to visiting nursing homes but we all do it.

When my dad was in a NH and there was a day I couldn't get there I'd ask my 18-year-old daughter to stop in and see him instead. She knew it was no use arguing with me so she did it and my dad would be thrilled to see her and that made her feel good.

Use guilt if you have to. Spending an hour with their grandma won't kill them.

I think I would sprinkle the guilt. What do you have to lose? I might say that grandmother really does miss them and it's so sad that her friends at the NH have family come and visit, but hers don't. and that fact is very obvious and so on.... You get it. I would try that and see if the shame of never visiting will work. I mean certainly they could manage one visit a year at Christmas. Also,why can't they send cards?

My son finds it hard to see his gma in NH but what he does is set a phone reminder to call her every Wed. It works for them both. Having dealt with being guilted, I am loathe to do that to my kids. BUT I also feel that it's my job as an old fart to point out to them that sometimes you have to do these things because it's the caring, decent thing to do. No one likes to visit hospitals, NH or go to funerals but you do it because it's the decent thing.

All I can say is GOOD LUCK. Especially with sons in their 20's I assume? They are a self absorbed group, more interested in friends, and if they have girlfriends forget about it. Sorry to sound so cynical, but one of my nephews works two blocks from Mom's home and has NEVER stopped in even to say hello. When L was in rehab the only way he would have visited is if mommy went with him. They are afraid as well, because they wouldn't know what to say.

I believe it's up to your adult sons. I never interfere in my adult 'children's' lives. I happen to be the 'grandma-out' because I live in another state. My ex-husband is hands-on grandpa along with my son-in-law's parents. My grandchildren know them well.

My mother would have loved to see the children because she helped me so often with them when they were little, took them places, read to them, and was quite involved in their lives (as was I) even as they were in the thirties. While one 'child' travels twice a year to Europe, she won't come to FL because she doesn't 'like' FL. I live in a beautiful neighborhood with more than enough room to accommodate. I never question it. I'm not laying any guilt trips on them because I didn't like it when my mother/mother-in-law laid them on me.

I looked this up one day. It seems 50% of this country's adult children don't have constant contact with their families because of the ability to move.

There's nothing I can do about it. While I was in MA, my daughter visited and I got closer to my son, who now calls more often. Most of our communication is via email.

Our lives are no longer the lives our parents/grandparents may have had, with family close by. Our 'adult' (and remember that...they are adults) children have often gone off to other states for job opportunities or are very busy with their own families, with both parents working now. Grandma will 'always be there' or our parents will 'always be there' -- until they are not. I believe this is when they begin to understand their extended family will not always be there and when they start dying off, I believe they understand even more that they are now in charge of the 'family'. The head, so to speak. And I believe they feel that loss.

This isn't the answer you wanted, but it's my experience and how I handle it. I figure maybe someday when they grow older, they'll remember how you wanted them to visit their grandmother but they never did. They'll remember this in their loneliness when their children don't visit them.

Our culture has changed and, either fortunately or unfortunately, we helped to change it.

I'm reading an excellent book Being Mortal, Atul Gawandi, a doctor who goes into the generational issues, how hospitals were formed, how nursing homes came to be, and how families have departed ways. Excellent book regarding end of life issues.

My husband's 50-something kids never visit or call to see how he's doing after suffering a dibilitating stroke 11 years ago. They've never appreciated each other's compamy in the 45 years I've known them. I invite them to family celebrations several times a year. They don't rsvp, then they might show up or not, on their own time schedule, usually with their mother by their side. I fretted over this for 40 years. Their father is sweet and generous, but he can't engage. I've given up trying to heal their inability to share feelings or empathize. Now I'm understanding that's just the way tihey are, and it's not up to me to keep trying to change them. My evolved attitude is a big relief to my caregiving responsibilities.

My question is, "will the sons feel the same detachment to any inheritance grandma may leave behind?". I have enough life experience to know the answer is likely a resounding no. Even if grandma has nothing to leave behind, unless she was a flat out abuser and they are avoiding her for self preservation (healthy boundaries), they should have some basic humanity and show compassion to an elderly lady in her last chapter. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Denial of an uncomfortable situation will never inoculate them from ending up the same position she is in. In fact facing it, in addition to being the kind and human thing to do, may very well inform them in ways that helps them live a better final.chapter.

I faced my fears & discomfort and made the effort for multiple folks at this.point in my life. Did I enjoy or love them all? Of course not. Did I do it out of guilt? Maybe, for one person who was prickly. That person ended up passing while I was there holding her hand. Her last words.were 'thank you', while we both had tears in our eyes. I cannot think of a more privileged moment in my life.

Contrast that with my sibling and wife, who cited EVERY single excuse posted here and more. They have taught their own children that caring for loved (or perhaps not-so-loved) ones, or visiting or showing basic human decency is someone else's job. Guess what? While otherwise lovely people, their kids have zero inclination to be there for them now that they are the ones needing someone to give them the time of day or simply send a card.

Karma doesn't miss a target good or bad. What kind of people we choose to raise and what kind of culture we willingly tolerate ultimately comes home to roost. Yes, you cannot force 20 something adult children to do what they refuse to do, but parenting and modeling good behavior doesn't end with their adulthood.

If i were you I'd use some guilt, give it the college try and then make some younger friends to visit you later for when you become someone or live in a place that may be out of their (and/or sposes) comfort zone. Just sayin~

Seeing your question makes me sad because we have a similar situation here. The odd thing is ...MY Mama is the grandmother who has always been the very loving, accepting and non-nagging granny...the other one is loud, hateful, bossy, and NON cuddly...BUT my two nephews will not even visit Mama here in her own home, let alone in a NH. It is heartbreaking and I will NEVER understand it. My brother did not raise them this way and they always loved coming here UNTIL Mama got to a point where I know she would still enjoy seeing them and yet total no shows. I have tried everything and all I can say is one day I think they will have a LOT to regret. Personally I think it is shameful for grown men especially (and to me a man in his twenties should know better) but my nephews are in their thirties now and still..NO SHOW....

I try to think it may be because they don't want to see Mama the way she is now...and that may be BUT because it would mean so much to her, they should man up and do it...but I do understand how emotionally painful it is..I just wish I knew something that worked....bless your heart

We had the same situation as "gladimhere" with a 30 yr old nephew who wouldn't visit his grandmother in hospital or nh. His Mother's excuse was that he was an EMT and didn't want to spend his off hours around sick people...WHAT!