I try to encourage my adult sons to visit their grandmother in the NH, but they are very resistant for several reasons. Any advice?

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Grandmother is 78-y/o with disabilities from brain aneurysm many years ago. My sons do not have close attachment with her as they did my husband's mother, who passed one year ago. My family of origin was very dysfunctional, and my husband and I did not spend a lot of time with my mother and stepfather and siblings due to this. So, now, our sons do not like to spend time with my mother. I feel sad for this, because my mother loves my sons, and would enjoy seeing them, and wonders why they do not visit. My stepfather is now deceased, and I've been my mother's caregiver until this past year when we moved her into ALF. I do not want to "guilt" my sons into visiting her and reaching out, but I do wish they would express some type of care for her. Any suggestions?

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While you can't force them to visit, maybe you can offer them a bit of a 'party' take in cookies and coffee or tea. They don't have to stay long, but I'm sure the visit would make grandma's day. It is often difficult for family members to visit in a long term care facility; many say they don't like seeing their loved one in that condition etc. Grandma won't be here forever so they need to visit while they can. Even if it's a few times a year. Once she is gone, the opportunity to visit has past. I wasn't as close to my father's parents as I was my mothers, it's just the way it is. Some siblings aren't as close as others; that doesn't make it bad or wrong. While I love both sets of grandparents I saw my mother's family more so I feel that connection. I visited my grandmother when she went into the nursing home regularly, but it's ok to visit infrequently. Maybe they could send her a card from time to time, she would welcome that I'm sure. They can also call her, residents in long term care facilities love to get mail and phone calls.
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I appreciate all the responses to my question. My husband's family has been much more connected and involved in my sons' lives, and they visited their paternal grandparents frequently and were much more attached. There were very unhealthy dynamics between my mother and stepfather that were very difficult and uncomfortable for our sons, and we did set boundaries to protect them. The stepfather's behavior affected my sons. Now, I am my mother's caregiver and trying to show her love and attention. My sons care "from afar" but really do not feel "attached" to her (and no, there will not be any inheritance because the nursing home and Medical Assistance will take it.) I am going to read the book recommended -- Being Mortal. Perhaps it will help me too. thanks again.
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I find with my adult kids that I can mention something once to inform, twice is giving a reminder and that's all. After that, it's their decision to make and deal with. You mention "other reasons", which means more than just too busy or hate seeing her in NH. My mom has 3 grandkids who are low contact or no contact for very valid and fairly recent reasons. While it's sad and we do hope they can find some way to patch things, my sister and I also know they have to do what they feel best and we leave it be.
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My son finds it hard to see his gma in NH but what he does is set a phone reminder to call her every Wed. It works for them both. Having dealt with being guilted, I am loathe to do that to my kids. BUT I also feel that it's my job as an old fart to point out to them that sometimes you have to do these things because it's the caring, decent thing to do. No one likes to visit hospitals, NH or go to funerals but you do it because it's the decent thing.
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Litldogtoo you have an excellent point about how family members are scattered throughout the country, thus it is hard to get together as a family.

Both of my grandparents lived else where in the U.S. and as a child/teen I saw both sets once a year. Here in the States people were lucky to get 1 or 2 weeks vacation... there was no shutting down for the month of August like in some European countries.

Once I got married, vacation days were juggled between my parents and hubby's parents [Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays].... there weren't any days left to fly off to visit the grandparents :(
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I would also comment along the lines about it all coming home to roost...the granny who was so hateful, bossy, non loving to ALL of her family now complains non stop about no one ever comes to see her, help her, call on her or just check to see how she is and she can't figure out why....in the back of my mind all I can think of is REALLY??????? She meddled in my brother's marriage (this was his first MIL) she was rude and hateful to my Mama and Daddy, very disrespectly and arrogant and no reason whatsoever to be so...and yet my parents were always very kind and receptive even in the midst of her hatefulness....now the fact that not even her own children, let alone her grandkids want to visit her...be it right or wrong...all I can say is it finally came home to roost....I think you do get what you dished out and there are going to be a lot of shocked and lonely folks out there one day when it all comes home to roost on their own doorstep.
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Breathe deeply...EXCELLENT answer!!!! couldn't have said it any better.
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I would also add that my brother tried to blame their non visits on me, saying I had hurt their feelings...I addressed it with both of them, and they said they didn't have a clue what he was talking about...that they loved us...so I have no clue..and it is shameful.... :(
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Breath deeply, you are a wise person. Spot on comments.
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Seeing your question makes me sad because we have a similar situation here. The odd thing is ...MY Mama is the grandmother who has always been the very loving, accepting and non-nagging granny...the other one is loud, hateful, bossy, and NON cuddly...BUT my two nephews will not even visit Mama here in her own home, let alone in a NH. It is heartbreaking and I will NEVER understand it. My brother did not raise them this way and they always loved coming here UNTIL Mama got to a point where I know she would still enjoy seeing them and yet total no shows. I have tried everything and all I can say is one day I think they will have a LOT to regret. Personally I think it is shameful for grown men especially (and to me a man in his twenties should know better) but my nephews are in their thirties now and still..NO SHOW....

I try to think it may be because they don't want to see Mama the way she is now...and that may be BUT because it would mean so much to her, they should man up and do it...but I do understand how emotionally painful it is..I just wish I knew something that worked....bless your heart
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