Adult daughter hates me, uses silence to hurt me, what should I do?

If she is that miserable and you are too it's time to cut the cord. If it means you need to find a cheaper place than so be it. No one should have to live so unhappy and abused. Refuse to give in and keep letting her be dependent on you, apparently she thinks it's ok to treat you like this and still have her hand out. it's time for her to figure it out on her own.

Is her child/children living with you also? Who cares for them while she works (or are they old enough to look after themselves). Are you living in your house or her apartment or what? Do either of you have any impairments that you need help with?

Perhaps you each need a roommate to make it financially, but it doesn't have to be each other. Seems to me it would be healthier to not live together.

Might you be eligible for subsidized senior housing?

Would she consider going with you to family therapy?

Sorry that I have more questions than answers, but the bottom line seems to me to stop living with someone who has no respect for you.

She is 37 single, educated and working full time. I assume, she has no children. So why are you financially supporting her and why are you taking this disrespect from her? It is called enabling and I know so many good people out there who do this day in and day out. They are hurt, angry, upset, and abused by the conduct of a spoiled, entitled, adult "child". However, you are the enabler if you allow this to continue.

If I have missed something here and there is a real reason for you daughter to be the way she is or she is ill in someway, please let us know. Otherwise, she needs to move out.

I'm going to need a lot more background. Seems strange to me that you came in here to this website since you are not taking care of an elder as most of us are. Is your daughter on this website?

Slash the budget to the bare bones and separate. If your daughter doesn't respect you and you feel bullied, what in the world are you two still living together for? Toxic, demeaning, unhealthy, what ever word describes it, this relationship is hurting both of you. It needs to be fixed because at this rate your elder years are going to be a nightmare.

This is just me, we can only control oursevles.My faith gets me through issues with my Elderly mom and sons. Love covers a multitude issues. It is not easy to take rejection, rudeness personally, (it does a number on me). Take care of you! Be Encouraged and guard your heart!! My sons have been the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow in my life... again this is just me, I ask God to take over, because I have no control over grown folk!

sadmom, thank you for posting this. I appreciate getting a view from the other side, since I can be guilty of some of the behaviors you describe. In my case it is often a response to large demands on my time. However, there are some days I am just grouchy. Your message reminded me that mistreatment can go both ways. I hope that you and your daughter can work out your differences. Has she told you why she doesn't respect you? That is an awful thing for a daughter to say. If you can't get a better relationship going, separating sounds like the best idea to me.

Hi sadmom,
This may not be the best forum for your needs- though I think we should make everyone feel welcome- I just wonder if maybe there is a different forum that can better answer your question. Maybe one for older adults find themselves taking care of their adult children. I don't know if there is such a site but a Google search might help.
In the meantime maybe we can help you here. Can you answer some of the questions that some of the other posters asked to give us more of a background?
I know that my brother, though living on his own, is still very dependent on my Dad (dad does his taxes- my brother is in his mid 40's, takes his dog to the vet, pays his mortgage and than my brother pays him back...things like that). I asked my Dad what he thought would happen to my brother if he (my dad)were to die (he is 80) - I know - not a nice topic but I was curious- and he said "what do I care. I'll be dead." I thought that was so weird! I told him he is not doing my brother any favors by helping him and not letting him learn how to do these things by himself. He just kinda shrugged. BUT-see- you would think that my brother would be nice to my Dad as he does so much for him but he is NOT. He gets mad at him all the time. I think- no I know- my brother feels like he is a failure and cannot do these things for himself. He is afraid to. He has never had to figure it out and now he is afraid of failing. He is the only boy in our family. He was very spoiled. He is not a bad person he was just never taught how to be independent. In his heart he resents this but does not know how to change. It makes me sad. I do not know if this is how your daughter feels but maybe? One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the gift of independence if they are mentally and physically able. Good luck. God bless.

I'm so sorry. Are you living in your daughter's house or vice versa?

When I was growing up, my grandmother lived with us- my parents and 7 kids for the last 20 years of her life. I found out many years later that my mother never wanted my gm to move in but felt guilty. My mother was passive and had very low self-esteem and my gm had a strong personality. They had very incompatible personalities. My hypercritical gm caused great stress and unhappiness for my mom. My mom felt she was never good enough-even as an adult, mother of 7 and in her own home.

Maybe you two just aren't compatible and living together has made your relationship toxic. One of you needs to move out. Maybe then you can both heal.

I hate to ask, but was there something done in the past to make her feel annomosity towards you?

Is public housing available in your area? If she is living in your home she needs to move out. If you are renting and public housing is available, you could both move to separate apartments. Maybe she feels guilty because she needs your help and this makes her angry.

I'm sure I will be criticized for my comment. I am like the daughter in this situation and have been trying to change for quite some time now. I am and enabled by my 81 year old mother and sadly I am 57 years old. I am probably the cause of occasional toxic atmosphere and should move away. I haven't and settled where I am, living with her. Thank you for posting this question and if others have any suggestions, positive or otherwise, I will consider them.

Zinner, it is good that you at least recognize the problem and your contribution to it.

You and your mother should separate. Maybe not forever but moving away now seems appropriate. You seem to bring out the worst in each other. Maybe if you were only together for short visit you could both be on your best behavior. Living in a toxic environment -- even one you are contributing to yourself -- for another 15 years or so doesn't sound like a good choice to me.

Live on your own. Make new friends. Renew and deepen old friendships. Be the independent adult you are. Visit Mommy. Don't live with her.

I agree with everyones comments...When mom first moved in with me. Everything was wonderful. She was a joy to be around. We had a great time. But when her Dementia turned downward...things were different. I didn't recognize her anymore. She was rude, hateful, self centered, and treated me like a hired hand. She didn't know me any more. I felt so much resentment. I resented the fact that she was making me feel trapped. I quit my jobs, and sacrificed to take care of her and she didn't appreciate it. It was not my mom. She was an imposter...I prayed and learned everything I could about the disease that was destroying my mom and understood better what was happening in her brain. I did all I could to show her love no matter how she treated me. Every night I told her and kissed her on the cheek. She started to feel safe and secure and we became friends. She was the best mom ever...so sweet and the disease took that person away from me. But in the end the love I showed her, brought a little bit of that mom back. In the last month she and I would sit at the end of her bed together I would put my arm around her and she would lay her head on my shoulder. It was those moments I will cherish. My mom passed away January 9th 2013. I miss her so much...but I know she is in a better place. God Bless

You have 2 options. You can find other friends/relatives you can live with and split costs with them or you will have to learn to coexist living with your daughter. You can't change other people's behavior/character but you can change yourself. Try to be out of her way as much as possible. For example, don't eat meals together or at the same time. If she using the kitchen, don't be in there. If she is using the living room watching tv, then stay in your room. When she is at work or not at home, you have the freedom to move around the house. Being out of each other's way can help bring a little bit of peace.

First pls try to talk to her and try to find out reason about her anger towards you . have patient .
Second do something that will make her happy. ( don’t make her feel that whatever u r doing , u r doing just to make her happy)
Show your feeling . show how much u care her and her importance in your life. Like you can hang some photos of her childhood …
Talk to her about your feeling even she ignores.
Use someone who is close to her. You can share your feeling with her friends or cousins so that they can pass the message to her .

Its not so easy for people to live on there own especially when the economy is bad. My daughter lives withme and I am miserable because everything in her life that is making her unhappy is all my fault. Her divorce is my fault, her boyfriend, thier problems are my fault. Everything! Is my fault. I here her curse at me throw dishes around say she wants to killer herself because she is so unhappy and of course it is all my fault. She cant afford to live on her own. The programs for low income people are all closed because the government says there is no money for these programs. So whats a person to do. Live in a home where all I hear is how it is all my fault. I tell you what I do... I go to my room and put in ear plugs and the covers over my head.