Adult child caregiver: How to ease into the role reversal?

Trials,

It doesn’t sound like your mom should be alone. She isn’t able to care for herself.

Have you considered facility care? Then you can visit at your convenience as her daughter instead of her caregiver.

Best wishes to you and your mom.

Hi there,
I'm not sure I follow completely..

I do understand wanting off duty time - from 10pm to 6am sounds very reasonable to preserve your sleep.

You want your elderly Mother, with mobility & other issues to understand that & not need anything in that time (besides toileting)?

Are your expectations realistic? 🤔

My experience: when caring for someone during the night when trying to get your own rest - when this stops and I did not have the calling during the night - I experienced PTSD for about three months. My suggestion is A) be prepared for the PTSD (reoccurs every once in a while still) or B) get a night person to help out or C) get her used to wearing adult diapers, or D) some kind of facility.

Mom needs to go into a SNF that's it. Don't wreck your life trying to care for this miserable and cruel woman that you had the unfortunate luck of having to call mom.

I'm going to speak to you from 25 years of experience as an in-home caregiver.

There are two realistic and practical answers to your situation with your mother.

The first is placement in a managed care facility. This is the one I advise you to go with. She is not going to improve. She is going to get weaker, more demanding and meaner as she requires more assistance and care.

The second is that you can hire a caregiver to work the 10pm to 6am shift so you don't have to.
In truth, I think sp196902 is right about not wrecking your life to take care of a miserable and cruel woman.
Don't light yourself of fire to keep someone else warm.

Thank you all for your firsthand knowledge and experience. Sleeping the whole night through is my goal.
I don't want to stay up until 11pm or get up at 4:30am to somehow appease my Mother's lack of impulse control...
That is in fact what I'm battling her about. She wants to continue on in whichever manner she pleases. If she isn't tired she wants to stay up. If she wakes early she wants brekky at 5am...she also needs someone to supervise her transfers. I'm thinking an overnight nurse may well work here...the choices are an overnight nurse, staying in bed for 8 hrs straight, or admittance to a SNF.
The issue with all 3 of those choices is they aren't my Mom's preferences, and the choices seem limited.
So she automatically steps back in an attempt to realign the conversation but the issue remains.
I'm not going to provide 24 hr around the clock concierge service to her even if she loses her ability to transfer. I suppose we could adjust the 8 hours I'm going to sleep to 9 to 5 or 11 to 7 but that issue is going to remain~I need 8 uninterrupted hours and she is beginning to cross that boundary.
I need to make her understand the 3 choices.
She could of course not cooperate and then the whole thing is out of my hands.
I'd just like to see this through to the best possible outcome.
I just cant be up at 11 then 5:30///blame it on my failings is fine. I just cant...

Time for Placement or you will get exhausted and Lose your Mind .

It's all about getting the much needed sleep. Setting a schedule with your mom so that you can sleep between 10 pm and 6 am - assisting only in toileting - is not unreasonable. Something I've done to speed up the nighttime toileting is to use a bedside commode.

Sleep is more vital to me than food at this age (64). My mother (96) has just recently begun to sleep through the night, or only get up one time to toilet. Many days I've been so exhausted I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.

Role reversal is definitely a transition. I like to say that caregiving is not a democracy, it's a dictatorship.

Does your Mom have a medical issue that has caused this weakness, or have her muscles lost strength from disuse? If the latter, could you have a physical therapist work with her on improving her strength to regain some independence?
I'm guessing she might be more interested in controlling you or having you at her beck and call, but if she truly wants to stay in her home, she might be able to regain some mobility through PT.

I believe the elderly become narcissistic as they age and if they already have it, like my mom, it gets worse. The boundaries you set, you stick with. Like children, you give them choices, one desirable for you, one not to them. Ex: if you want to do A then it’s with these conditions; if you won’t agree, then A goes away.
You are in charge of the outcome. Do not argue. Just keep asking yes or no. And stick with it. If she becomes abusive, say ‘see you later’. Don’t stick around for mistreatment, if you do, it will continue.
Hard to do, yes. But for your own sanity, stick w it. Unfortunately you are raising a teenage girl. Blessings.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to hire caregivers even if its just part time. My mom had a sitter 9-1 & then 6-9. Different people of course but mom liked to sleep late and then took a long afternoon nap. At this point she was bedridden, unable to transfer herself even with assistance.

Mom argued and fought every single decision but she got used to the help. She even allowed the evening caregiver to shower/sponge her.

It was worth every penny! Many agencies do offer split shifts with a minimum of 4 hrs. The morning caregiver was an agency cna. The evening person was private from a church.

My sister and I killed ourselves trying to make her happy. She never acknowledged any efforts so don't look for that.

Many tasks can be completed online like grocery shopping & bill pay. Meals can be delivered. I even had a visiting physician for her.

I agree with others here. She needs to go into a skilled nursing facility. If she has the funds, you could bring in full time care. It’s expensive. It sounds like you can no longer provide the level of care that she needs. Even less so if she is not cooperating. The demanding attitude often gets worse along with the overall physical weakness and mental decline. You will do nothing but argue with her all the time because you can not be there 24/7 or at her beckon call. You could try setting up a port-o-potty next to her bed, a small refrigerator with some sandwiches/food and water, wipes, trash can, her remote, telephone, phone numbers, calendar, digital day and time display-I found this useful, mobile help device, (put a key with lock box on the door and a list of medications and emergency contacts on the refrigerator door-let local paramedics know combination), etc., so that everything is at her fingertips. I would get a physical therapist in several times a week so she can get her strength back. She needs people to talk to and someone to help her with bathing and washing up (changing soiled disposable under garments and applying barrier cream several times a day). You would probably have to hire a caregiver for some things. If that isn’t enough for her, or she doesn’t do the therapy, or cooperate some, let her know that you can no longer help her at the level of care she needs and that she will need skilled professional help in a nursing facility. Maybe try not being available for her some as long as she is safe-that may not be possible now. I did care giving after I retired. I now I have back problems and go to therapy-on and off for five years now. I am 63. I always felt that I would be willing to do almost anything for my patients if they weren’t so darn mean. I still feel that way. Unfortunately, the meaness, their frustration, and them always expecting everything from you all the time, is usually always included. The transition will not be easy but it is the right thing to do. Always keep that in the forefront when dealing with getting the right help/care for her. Try to listen, be gentle with her, and not argue-but know your limitations and make sure she knows them as well. You also need an outlet and time away. Good luck with it all. Hugs. It’s not easy. You will get burnt out without some help.

If she is living alone.
If she can not stand up and walk
She should not be living alone.
In an emergency how would she get out of the house?
It appears that she is no longer safe to remain in her home alone.
That leaves a few options. (several of them not great ones.)
1 She moves in with you,. That sounds like the worst option.
2 You move in with her.. That sounds just as bad as the first one.
3. A caregiver moves in with her or you get several for 24/7 care.
4 She goes into a facility that will meet her care needs. That could be Skilled Nursing, Memory Care if she has dementia or Assisted Living (and at this point I do not think AL would accept her)

Now if mom is currently living with you and you can no longer SAFELY care for her then please read above for Number 3 and 4.

Please get Mom assessed by Adult Protective Services so that they can guide the placement your mom needs. Try to find a facility that offers activities and amenities. Schedule a full physical and inquire about Physical Therapy.

Get a Geriatric Psychiatrist to assess her personality disorder(s) and seek medications that can help her keep YOU in her life, just don't live with her. You can't fix her personality disorder(s), but the psychiatrist can help you/her with that issue.

Take a nice long vacation at a wellness resort and start doing things that make YOU happy and fulfilled........hobbies, volunteer work, meditation or ?

Tough tooties that she wants to be in control.

There is no introducing a plan to a mean person who wants to rule the roost.

Back away, let her hire a caregiver or go into AL, sounds like you are living with her, if so, it may be time to leave or move her out if she is living with you.

I really do not understand when a person has such dedication to a toxic person, family or not.

Take back your power, your life.

trials: Your mother can no longer be the individual in charge. She must relinquish that position to someone else - if not you, then managed care facility living.

she can't help herself from acting as she does, she is controlling and manipulative, so controlling as to actually have ZERO support from anyone except her DR's begrudging attention. It is terrible but she has decided her weirdness supersedes any self regulation.
She has been this way since the 1970's at least.
She doesn't cooperate unless it is what she wants.
I'm her only support short of doordash or her healthcare team.
Now that she needs me in the house everyday for extended periods her old behaviors are coming back.
She believes every whim, every single thing she wants is the priority. Always has.
Driving me nuts...
I am not particularly bothered by it yet but in time I will.
If she won't cooperate she is ready for SNF
if she does cooperate I'm ready for professional help.
We are looking for a 2 hr helper in the mornings and a 2 hr helper in the evening.
Will report results of that soon
Thank you all for the help...

You either takes steps to get 24/7 help in the home or you make arrangements for her to move into a care facility - be it paid or a nursing home.

There is no strategizing here. You do what you need to do.

As you say: "she's mean, neurotic and absolutely laser focused on being "in charge" of her situation." THIS IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

You need to focus on doing what she needs for as optimal health care / well being as possible. She bit--es and complains throughout all the changes ... and then will continue. She won't be a happy camper.

Boundary setting, I believe, is long gone. You simple tell her "this is what we are doing. And do it. If you do not make any changes, you will be worn out in no time and that will continue, and you may feel like - or have - a kind of breakdown. No one can continue on like this.

Do not forget. YOU deserve a life, too.

Be sure to have all the legalities in order so you can make any and all necessary arrangements. And, if she is still legally responsible for herself, you step aside and let her do as she wishes. You cannot control her. You can only change yourself and how you relate to her - and be clear on the decisions you make - to enforce them.

Take some time out: 2 hours - 1/2 day - 1-2 days? Go smell the roses.
You need a break.

While these changes (will not/) might NOT be easy, they are necessary.
Realizing that she won't be happy or content no matter what. Perhaps the best you could do is see if she can be on meds to keep her more calmed down (which will help you too).

Gena / Touch Matters

Usually when people get very focused on micromanaging their own care, they are experiencing anxiety. It seems she is experiencing anxiety throughout her day and not just about her evening care. Usually, this indicates that she is loving more of her reasoning ability and the world is becoming an increasingly scary place. You are the one thing that seems solid and stable. She is in a sense gripping onto managing you to ease her fears.

I suggest you talk to her doctor or get her an appointment. There are medications that can help her to relax and feel less fear. It may take some time to find the right medication(s), dosages, and timing but it is worth the effort. Your caregiving efforts will become easier.