My 82 yo mom is quickly losing her functions.
No more self-transfer from bed to chair without supervision, obviously ramifications for toileting, etc. No strength in her legs any longer. This means I'm in her company way more recently than usual. Same old story, she's mean, neurotic and absolutely laser focused on being "in charge" of her situation. I need some strategies for overcoming her natural resistance to me having more formal authority i.e. me making a reasonable schedule per her scheduled needs, not even speaking to the emergency needs help to get up or down or whatever. I'm talking about when she needs help to or from her bed etc...I'm not going to be available for transfers except for toileting between 10PM and 6AM. Want to get up to watch TV in the other room? I won't be there to help except in emergencies and for toileting. What is your experience introducing boundaries such as this? My Mom has gone crazy again saying I "never help" or I "stress her out" b/c I have introduced a black and white care plan that has her without help for anything but toileting between 10 at night and 6 in the morning. You all must have better ways of introducing these boundaries than having knockdown drag out fights over reasonable standards
OK LMKWYT. Thank you all again, invaluable support here.
There are two realistic and practical answers to your situation with your mother.
The first is placement in a managed care facility. This is the one I advise you to go with. She is not going to improve. She is going to get weaker, more demanding and meaner as she requires more assistance and care.
The second is that you can hire a caregiver to work the 10pm to 6am shift so you don't have to.
In truth, I think sp196902 is right about not wrecking your life to take care of a miserable and cruel woman.
Don't light yourself of fire to keep someone else warm.
It doesn’t sound like your mom should be alone. She isn’t able to care for herself.
Have you considered facility care? Then you can visit at your convenience as her daughter instead of her caregiver.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
Cover909
I'm not sure I follow completely..
I do understand wanting off duty time - from 10pm to 6am sounds very reasonable to preserve your sleep.
You want your elderly Mother, with mobility & other issues to understand that & not need anything in that time (besides toileting)?
Are your expectations realistic? 🤔
Sleep is more vital to me than food at this age (64). My mother (96) has just recently begun to sleep through the night, or only get up one time to toilet. Many days I've been so exhausted I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.
Role reversal is definitely a transition. I like to say that caregiving is not a democracy, it's a dictatorship.
You are in charge of the outcome. Do not argue. Just keep asking yes or no. And stick with it. If she becomes abusive, say ‘see you later’. Don’t stick around for mistreatment, if you do, it will continue.
Hard to do, yes. But for your own sanity, stick w it. Unfortunately you are raising a teenage girl. Blessings.
If she can not stand up and walk
She should not be living alone.
In an emergency how would she get out of the house?
It appears that she is no longer safe to remain in her home alone.
That leaves a few options. (several of them not great ones.)
1 She moves in with you,. That sounds like the worst option.
2 You move in with her.. That sounds just as bad as the first one.
3. A caregiver moves in with her or you get several for 24/7 care.
4 She goes into a facility that will meet her care needs. That could be Skilled Nursing, Memory Care if she has dementia or Assisted Living (and at this point I do not think AL would accept her)
Now if mom is currently living with you and you can no longer SAFELY care for her then please read above for Number 3 and 4.
Back away, let her hire a caregiver or go into AL, sounds like you are living with her, if so, it may be time to leave or move her out if she is living with you.
I really do not understand when a person has such dedication to a toxic person, family or not.
Take back your power, your life.
Mom argued and fought every single decision but she got used to the help. She even allowed the evening caregiver to shower/sponge her.
It was worth every penny! Many agencies do offer split shifts with a minimum of 4 hrs. The morning caregiver was an agency cna. The evening person was private from a church.
My sister and I killed ourselves trying to make her happy. She never acknowledged any efforts so don't look for that.
Many tasks can be completed online like grocery shopping & bill pay. Meals can be delivered. I even had a visiting physician for her.