Abusive sibling. Any advice?

Try to talk via text. That way you have proof if she is harassing you. Tell her no more talking by phone.
Id still block her from your house if she can't be civil. You and your mom don't need that stress.

Try to record all interactions with this sister, particularly between her and your mum, if possible. Your sister is emotionally abusing your mother. Do some research into narcisssistic abuse. It's where someone tries to paint a picture different from reality in order to make themselves look good and to destroy you as a person, in effect.
Most likely, professionals may not believe you as people who carry out this abuse will deny everything and claim that they are the victim of your abuse. They can be very convincing. You may even be accused of abusing your mother so the key is to know what you are dealing with. My sympathies to you as my own sister and her husband abused my mother in this way and convinced professionals and mum's family that i was the abuser. It is truly evil to treat anyone, let alone the elderly in this way.

Tell her it’s your home and if she tells another lie she won’t be welcome in your house anymore.

Restraining Order

You haven’t disclosed enough for anyone to give you a good answer and your post raises far more questions than it answers..

Unlike most of these commenters, I think you need to analyze the root causes of your sister’s hostility toward you and do some soul searching about the extent to which your present and past actions have contributed to your sister’s attitude.

Are you self centered, self important and superior? Do you stonewall the non-carer members of your family and deny them their right to participate in decisions regarding her care? Have you taken more than your fair share of your parents resources in the past? Are you rationalizing taking your mother’s money and using it to benefit yourself at the expense of other family members as well as your mother? Are you condescending to your sister and secretive about how your mother’s resources are being used?

You haven’t mentioned how your mother feels about denying your sister visitation or trying to obtain a restraining order which is very likely to backfire. Depriving a sibling of the right to visit their parents is an EXTREMELY serious step. There will be a hearing and the court will take both sides into account. The court may rule against you and you may instead find yourself doing way more work when the court requires you to plan visits outside your home…unless of course it’s your mother’s home that you are actually living in.

Your sister also has the right and the responsibility to report you for financial exploitation if she thinks you are stealing your mother’s money. If she does this, it will cause an investigation by the state. Petitioning the court for a restraining order will almost certainly bring that about.

A far better plan would be to ask your siblings to participate in family counseling so you can process what is causing such strife. Everyone will need to make some adjustments if you ever expect to make this situation more pleasant for your mother, your sister and yourself.

Why does sibling think you are stealing money? Are you being paid to care for mom and, if so, is it a reasonable amount? Would sharing or disclosing financial records mitigate some of the animosity between you and the siblings? As noted in other posts on this site, some caretakers move into the home with parent and have no income of their own. They may live there rent free/utility free/personal bills paid in exchange for the caretaking (maybe with a little cash to boot). While it is probably still a bargain for mom when you consider the cost to hire someone else, some siblings think you should do it for free (even though they won't step up and do it).

I was 24/7 caregiver to my mom for about 7 years and it included paying all of her bills. I was not compensated for my time. With that said, the bank account records were readily available to any of my siblings at any time. Fortunately, they all trusted my judgment and abilities and probably didn't want to be involved in any of that any more than they wanted to be involved in the caretaking role.

Is it possible that mom had quite a nest egg and this child is one of those who would prefer mom did without certain things in order to maintain a large inheritance?

I would not try to stop one of your mom's children from visiting her. While they may be on the vicious side, mom loves her children. Not seeing this child would probably create even more stress for mom (and you). Is it possible for you to be present during the visits or have someone else in the family present to shut down the negative conversations before they get started?

As for texts sibling sends to you, there are two choices. Accept and read them is one. And respond in a fashion that can flip it back: It is not necessary to use that language/call me those names. If you want to see what has been spent out of the money - you are welcome to see the records. The second choice is don't read them/block her from text and/or calls.

I guess to evaluate the real problem, you would need to provide more background. What started the issue of sibling believing you are stealing money? How far back does it go? Did mom get care from this sibling and you took over?

Personally I wouldn’t let her in my house, regardless of the fact that you are caring for Mum. It’s your house and you’re the one doing all the work by the sound of it. Is she your only sibling? and does your Mum have dementia also?
I’ve realized since caregiving that the sibling(s) that does nothing to help the caregiver is more often than not, the one that causes the most friction and stress to caregiver. My sister and brother, as much as I love them, do absolutely nothing to help or hardly visit. Maybe twice a year. When we were in the process of selling dad’s house so that he could come to live with me, they caused me so much stress as far as what they wanted from the house. My SIL bunged on the drama because she didn’t get this and that. ( mind you my mum had already given her two beautiful pieces of jewelry that my SIL had nagged her for). Mums passed now.
Although my dad who I’m caring for is ok for now, there will come a time when he won’t be, and I know I won’t be able to rely on any one but my hubby. But back to your sister. You will have to toughen up and tell her to stop the abuse and manipulation and lies. Or as suggested by others here, block her and issue a restraining order. It’s no good, for you and especially for your mother to be under this duress. I wish you luck but to me it sounds like she is resentful of you for maybe having Mum with you in your home, even though I bet she didn’t offer to have your mum come live with her.

No surprise. Sibling or no sibling, if it’s an enemy immediately must be removed from all areas concerning your life. Restraining order a must, for the naked truth is that at this stage this kind of sibling is worst than a bad case of hemorrhoids. Apparently this sibling has too much animosity. Bye Bye Birdie. Do not let this person cause undue stress, don’t think twice. Best of luck.

Pull sister aside. Tell her to stop causing drama or you will place a restraining order on her. If she continues the abuse, follow through and get that restraining order.

Janlneed: State to the abusive sibling that unless she can control herself to be civil toward you AND your mother, that it is too upsetting to your mother and that, of course, you are looking out for your mother's welfare because after all, she already increased your mother's medications with her actions. If said sibling continues to send you vile texts, block her text capability.

I forgot to add look up grey rock method on YouTube, and narcissist abuse. Tons of vids on that topic. Grey rock is not caring, little to no answers. That will help you with the manipulation, name calling, gaslighting, etc. And also help you be prepared.
I suspect the family dynamics were never great. That is why she is the way she is. Good luck.

since you live with your mom, she should know that your sibling is lying. tell her dr about what's going on, and try getting a restraining order, with help from her dr in way of a letter explaining the stress the abuse has on your mom.
if you can afford a lawyer it's the best solution. if you can't, next time your sibling calls, threaten to have him/her arrested if the abuse doesn't stop.

good luck.

Don't let the sibling in. You can get a doctor's note too.

Block your sibling's contacts in this toxic environment.

Have a friend over each time you know she's coming. But really I think you have to stop the visits.

If you must deal with your sibling - for your sanity, don't keep re-hashing in your mind the friction between you and your sister. You’re too busy. Only focus on things that practically need to be done in your day. You’re a caregiver, and it is your responsibility to protect your mom’s protector. Everyday accomplish some tasks and then pat yourself on the back.

You know that friction takes two surfaces. If you don't engage sis is a lone boxer in the ring. How foolish does that look. Look at her as though she's boring, pitiful or unimportant. Your face will communicate that and it'll burn her out after a while. You mom's reaction though, unfortunately, will be fuel for her. You may want to help your mom with a counselor, or lots of hugs from you and words like - hey you know how sis is. She's having a difficult time growing up.

In sis's presence, you’re a disconnected alien observer, breath deeply to do this, and know to your marrow that you don't have to acknowledge her existence even while you look dead in her eyes. Look through her. She's not there. She's a sad speck, and she's nothing but wearing. With practice your mind realizes that your sister is an annoying pimple, an insect to be curiously noticed for a second, (oh, yeah, her), then disregarded and shooed away. Don’t involve your heart regarding her. She doesn’t have a heart as a self-serving manipulator.

Get sound blocking ear plugs or covers. Set up a play list of music that can't possibly work well with your sister's mouth. Gotta be something that your mom likes. Let your sister come in hearing you both singing.

If you can’t stop her from yapping to your mom, (I can’t imagine why not), ask your mom to tell you when she’s had enough of sis, then tell your sister that you both are going to church and then go for a ride with mom.

It takes practice. It’ll be more difficult if you permit poison access to you. You'll backslide and YOU will let sis get under your skin, but do a mental exercise of peace, superior kindness, and being aware of triggers that you can actually dismiss after awhile. Practice relaxing and letting go. Your sister does not exist if you’d like, and you are a powerful protector of your home and mom. If sis screams, you say - Sorry time to go. You will get crazy good at this if you keep it up. Second nature.

Every inch of your insides have to be warm, gentle, wise, sweet absolute power. The moment you engage in an emotional exchange you will not be able to think. Your blood vessels will take a hit, which is aging, and you hand over control.

If you feel compelled to say something to your sister maybe you can say - The way I give care may be different from how you’d like me to, but we’re both showing our hands here and heaven forbid you need someone in the distance future tell me how you would want to be cared for and I’ll make sure that you have it your way.

Get two baby cams.

If you'd like, put your purse in a not too obvious, obvious nook, have $15.00 in it, (no cards) and another $5.00 in a little in between place of that same wallet and leave to get everyone ice tea, or go to the powder room. Not nice, but you’ll have a little more leverage if you record her fiddling with your purse.

More importantly, remember, you are Ms. Clever Godzilla super hero in a silent movie. Civil talking is okay but no-word-sword fights.

If you're sucked into sis's drama once in a while don’t let your loss of control and detachment rile you more than a blip. For a split second say darn and rats but take advantage to look at the episode as an opportunity to learn the lesson and shore up for the next encounter.

Better yet, no more encounters, get rid of the annoyance.

is your mother able to understand if you tell her all these things being said are not true! why is your mom listening to the sibling and not you!

it is your home and you can have whoever you want there. the sibling is doing nothing advantageous by coming over. maybe a phone call would be better.

I’d first suggest that you ban said abusive sibling from your home. It IS your home! You have every right.
Tell sibling that when you can trust them to behave like a reasonable ADULT person instead of a brat who gets off on causing havoc, THEN, and ONLY then will they again be welcome.
Until then? Nope.

Stop letting her in. I'd say you are causing so many problems Im DONE. You will not come into my house and talk nasty about me, and create problems. Mom is now taking more meds bc of you. Im done with that.

You have to get a back bone. No one is going to stand up for you, but you. It sux but you need to learn to do it. Some people learn to do it early in life, some later. But everyone on the planet must learn to, or they will be walked on, upset, and and abused.
Your sibling is lashing out, bc she is jealous of something. Maybe you two have a close relationship. Or she thinks your taking her money. You could show her the bills, but she lost that courtesy, by creating problems and calling you vile names. She shouldn't be given one inch. She's done.
CUT her off. Do it for several months. You might have to do it forever. She has no right to do what she is doing. If she behaves, sev months later, she can call your mom, but if it happens one time. That's it. Done.
Only you can put a stop to it.
There will be nasty push back. It will get ugly. Do it by text. That way she's not in your face. If she calls don't answer, or hang up the phone. If she shows up and pounds on the door, don't answer. If she continues tell her to leave or your calling the police. In my case my sibling called the police. She thought she had a right to my home. She really did it, bc she thought she could embarrass me. I wasn't. Police cannot make you come to the door. They cannot make you let her in. Don't be intimidated. My sibling didnt know I knew that. She had the cop call me to let her in. I didn't answer the phone. I laughed. Yes, some people will take it that far. Only a narcissist would do that. Trying to manipulate me, and the cop to get her way. She should have been ticketed for wasting the cops time.

She will probably tell you, she has a right to come into your house, bc mom is there. No she doesn't. It is your place. Do not cave. If you put boundries in place, she will respect them or leave.
If she is in your house, and starting problems and won't leave, call the police. You cannot back down, bc she is going to push to see how far she can get. You must not back down, ever. Or she will continue wreak havoc in your life. Good luck.

I'm sorry this is happening to you during a very emotional and difficult time.
You might have to embellish the truth a bit by saying that the doctor would like it if visits were filled with as much positivity, calm, and encouragement towards your mom as possible because stress causes so much anxiety. Tell your sibling to put animosity aside and prioritize MOM.

I mean you wouldn't be lying, because this is exactly what your mom needs.

I would reframe from getting into any type of verbal back/forth, especially in front of your mom.
As for you dealing with accusations, you know what is true and what's not, throw out the **, and just shut it down with no response period. (Walk Away) You are doing a wonderful, wonderful thing being there for your mom, and this takes a lot of LOVE from you, so I'm betting you're pretty terrific.
Take care of yourself!
M

It is your house and you are in charge, do you think Mom would miss seeing this sister? While you have every right to ban her from your home I would be concerned that is too extreme and won’t only cause more rift in the family but cause your mother a different pain as well not seeing her daughter no matter how much anxiety she causes. Is there another family member or family friend who could visit with this sister? Someone who could steer the conversation or counter what she has to say or even better yet this sister wouldn’t say these things in front of? If you can find a situation like that and just have as little interaction with your sister as possible that might help both you and your mother. As for her texts, mute them until you have something you need to report to her or better yet the siblings or family as a group or need to check to see if you have gotten something important from her and just don’t read her rants. If she complains about you not responding simply tell her you don’t have time for her attacks and have learned to turn her off, if she wants to engage in a civil manner you are happy to give it another chance.

I agree with the others; tell both Mom and your sister she's not welcome in your house anymore, and they'll have to make other arrangements. Tell them both in an unemotional, calm way (text for your sister, maybe) that you will no longer be taking sister's calls and are blocking her from contacting you on all social media as well. Don't wait for a reply…just do it.

If your mom continues to see her and be upset about you afterward, sit down with her and say, "Mom, I hate that sis is hurting our relationship and making you upset. I love you, I take care of you, and I want our relationship to continue to be strong and happy. I can't do that if you think I'm ripping you off in some way. I hate that you're so anxious because Sis has told you things that aren't true. So if this continues, I'm really sorry, but you're going to have to find another place to live. Maybe Sis will take you in. Maybe it's time for an assisted living facility. But this can't go on. Okay? Love you."

If your mom isn't capable of making these life decisions anymore, get POA and guardianship and do what you have to do to save yourself. Your life shouldn't be misery because your parent is still alive.

I'm going through a similar situation. Only my mom is now is a nursing home and I've been her proxy and legal payee forever. In other words, no need for POA for me. If I were you, do not reply to your sisters text messages but take clear screen shots of what she sent you in case her texts get erased. in my case, after 3 written threats, I'm able to get a Harassment Order via the court. I notify my mom's PCP, psych dr, social worker, and all staff at the nursing home of what's going on to explain my mom's agitation and possible hindrance to my care or visitation due to my sisters vile/abusive behavior. Your sister sounds toxic ... power struggle on her end. She's sabotaging the care you give for your mom...seeming to want an upper-hand with her. It's sad. Ghost your sister! She's searching for attention for selfish reasons. Your current priority are YOU and your MOM... NOT her. Please seek professional counseling ... it's lonely being a caregiver especially when you're being abused in any way. Family are often the ones that create most problems in these situations, and respect is often a blurred line. I had to learn that if 'they' dont respect or contribute to the process and/or disrespect who's carrying the process through, then they NEED TO SHUT UP!! Plane and simple. And the sad thing is, not everyone in the family will be onboard. But this is an opportunity to learn who is who in your family, who are true empathetic supporters to you and your mom and who are those watching in the sidelines with a critical eye. You keep doing what's BEST for the both of you and let your grown adult sister take care of her own problems on her own. She's not a priority and she needs to stop trying to put herself in the forefront of the mess she's creating. Sorry, I'm strong about all this because I took your post personal ... it's sick to see grown people act up in the worst times. Breath, pat yourself on the back for all that you've been doing and putting up with, and realize it takes a warrior to be a caregiver. ((hugs))

Just tell her straight forward that she should stop or dont come to your house at all. You can also record what she says and tell her next time you are going to report her for harrassment. Take charge , she is just jealouse that mom is with you and maybe wants to keep mom with her but, maybe have underline motives of doing so. Just up and up with her and let her know that you dont like it or I can come and kick her but..lol. I have a sister inlaw who acts like a good daughter to her mom now that her mom is getting close to death. All the other years it was me and her son who took care of her and the husband. Husband died in Jan and now somehow without telling us why she wanted to live with her daughter now. Well, she did me a favor cause I am happy to have my own life back. My husband is sad but, knows why his sister is doing it. She controls everything even if my husband is the oldest. Mom screwed up her finances and wants us to buy her out on her half of the house to help her with her finances. We looked into it all and found out that the sister made all the big loans and mom is paying it now. Sister got mad cause mom slipped her mouth and told us. So, now she has mom with her so she doesnt tell us too much. But, you know we pray and let God handle it all. God bless you ..Amen

I have/had the same problem. My sister used to come over (she lives 10 minutes away) and yell at my mom. I take care of my mom who is 90 years old. I finally stopped talking to her, deleted her # and have my oldest nephew present at anytime my sister and my mom are talking. He prevents the conversation from escalating into a screaming frenzy. I have told my sister not to expect anything from me anymore, and to forget my birthday. When I needed her help in taking care of mom, she flatly refused. My suggestion is to have another person whom your sister respects present at anytime your sister and mother are conversing. Call Senior Protective Services if she keeps antagonizing mom.

My brother would send horrible, abusive, insulting emails to me and cc my mom and all his friends and some of our relatives. He is an alcoholic and has schizo affective disorder. After defending myself in emails I finally got to the point where I just said, "Leave me the f alone. If I could get a restraining order against you sending me emails, I would. I'm blocking you." I don't know if just the idea of a restraining order or the language itself scared him or shook him, but he stopped sending those emails. When he calls, I don't speak to him. I hand the phone to my mother.
Someone mentioned a Cease and Desist order here. So maybe that kind of language would make your sister think twice. I don't know. I hope it gets resolved for the sake of yours and your mother's mental health.

Your home. Let your sibling know that you have recorded her and given the recording to elder services. You are responsible for your mothers well being.
When we got our Dad away from his ex-wife and took him to the dr. for the first time since getting POA, he had gained 9 pounds and his vitals went back to normal. What does that tell you???
That's when we knew we had don the right thing.
I just watched a Judge Judy episode where a brother with no job moved in and wrecked havoc with everybody in the house, then turned around and tried to sue them. Judy said, " No job, no house, no contribution to the home, none of your business." Case dismissed.
NOBODY knows what a caregiver goes through. NOBODY, unless they have been there. Change you locks if you can, and follow through on reporting your sibling if necessary. Either that, or the sibling can come if supervised by a trusted friend or relative. BTW....we even changed our phone numbers. Kid you not, but that absolutely took a huge load off.

Block her on your phone and file harassment charges. Find out if you can trespass her from your property.

Be sure to record any conversations about you.

A joint visit with a Geriatric Psychiatrist may help both of you.

It's your house. who pays the bills. Give her warning. if she does not respect u and ur mom and stop the BS that she's not welcome point blank and simple. Don't worry ur mom knows what's going on. ur the better daughter and she's jealous. She's just trying to cause conflict. Please don't let her continue. Tell her u love her but ur causing my house to become dysfunctional. I would not let anyone come in MY HOUSE repeat MY HOUSE to take over unless i was ill. u can still remain cordial
and respectful.

Do you hold POA? Even if not your sisters visits are just not good for you, they are not good for Mom, the reason you can stop them. You, you can always leave the house why sister is there and let her and Mom visit. But if she is verbally abusive to Mom, then you don't have to let her in. And she shouldn't be coming over unless she calls to make sure its OK. IT'S YOUR HOME! Your sister has a mental illness to act this way. I may call her bluff and tell her she can care for Mom in her home. But then it may backfire and if she is abusive in any way with Mom, not a good place to be. Is Mom capable of saying she does not want to see sister. If she is, then there is your answer. Neither of you want to see her so don't let her in. Her wanting to see Mom means nothing if Mom does not want to see her.

I might go as far as going to a lawyer, if Mom can make her own decisions, and have a lawyer draw up a cease and desist letter telling Sister because of her verbal abuse and the heighten anxiety it causes Mom, that she is no longer welcome to your home. If any harassment is involved, a restraining order may be filed. That means if she shows up, you can call the police.

If she is not abusive to Mom, its just her abuse towards you that heightens Moms anxiety, then tell her she is no longer welcome in your home. If she wants to see Mom, she is welcome to pick her up for a visit or you will drop Mom off at her house. Have someone besides Mom witness the conversation. She will not be able to go over the threshold of your front door. And she must call ahead so Mom is ready because, again, she will not be able to enter the house.

Keep those texts and emails. Once you state ur boundries, put them in writing in a text or email.

First of all, you block your sister from being able to send you texts.
Second, if your mother wants to see your sister, she has every right to.
You have every right to not allow those visits to take place in your home. You should tell your sister at once that she is not welcome in your home and if she wants to see your mother then the two of you work out a pick up time and a drop off one.
Then you tell your mother the same thing I told mine

"If you are at a point where you are going to work yourself up into hysterics over nothing, you will have to be put into a nursing home. I will not be able to help you anymore because I will not tolerate this behavior and allow it to dominate my life. Nor will anyone else. So the only option will be a care facility."

Watch how fast your morher's anxiety and hysterics improve. I don't know you and your mother, but if she suffers from such extreme mental illness of advanced dementia that she has lost control of herself, then she belongs in a care facility.
She can also tell your sister that she doesn't want to visit her alone or not at all.