She's still alive but in her mid nineties so I worry every time the phone rings with a certain prefix. I'll try to shorthand my situation: I was the scapegoat of the children with my older siblings her golden children, especially my sister who looks like her (unlike me) and was a housewife and mother (unlike me - in large part due to my mother sabotaging my efforts to do the same).
I was also the person who did everything for my mother starting in youth (she used me as her human shield against my father's blows.
I was her emotional support starting at age 12 when my father left to be with his mistress - my mother shared the gory details only with me making sure to threaten me with going to live with them if I wasn't there for her as she wanted.
I alone helped her with all (funeral etc) when my father died when I was 19, I helped her financially and generously - over helping myself and even as I was poor - over my lifetime.
I abandoned my life whenever she was dumped as the golden children got their lives together on holidays, her birthday, her surgery aftercare, and lastly her downsizing. (You can read some horrible tales when I did the two years of that.).
She was never there for me in any of my life travails, including hospitalizations, etc.
After all that when I, thanks to this forum and the internet teaching me to live my life, refused to be her free slave/caretaker any longer at age 62, she disinherited me from her will and removed me from being her executor etc. She didn't tell me these things though I suspected them from my sister's actions. When I asked both of them, they lied to me. I finally turned to her lawyer (an evil pig she paid to redo her will 6 times in a few years whenever things didn't go as she wanted), who emailed back with only: " you have no more responsibilities."
This spring my sister and her husband (multimillionaires many times over and greedy pigs) put the down payment on a condo in D.C. where they live. Then they moved my 94 year old mother who uses a walker for everything into it having her pay the mortgage payment and the $1,100 a month HOA to cover the pool, tennis court and gym my brother in law uses. My mother is fine with this, while she spent years guilting me for any small thing she did or gave me - which were rare to put it mildly. My mother is entirely dependent on them as she cannot go anywhere. They're not the caretaking types and use their wealth to have her food delivered. But my mother is in heaven as she's by her darlings now.
I made a final try to end our relationship on a good note, but have been met with a continuation of the emails she's sent me for years accusing me falsely of horrible things and putting me down.
My life is a bit of a shambles from all and I have health and financial concerns.
So if you survived reading all this - go or not go when she dies, assuming she predeceases me, which is not a given? (Sorry for any typos, I can't bear to proof read this, hence my thanks if you suffered through it.)
Also, if she is to blame for all your woes, even as an adult, why do you care that you were removed from managing her legal responsibilities? Wouldn't that have been a moral/ethical/emotional conflict inside you? A hipocracy? Sounds like she was good at controlling her children through money. She has that control because that power is voluntarily given to her by her children.
"I made a final try to end our relationship on a good note, but have been met with a continuation of the emails she's sent me for years accusing me falsely of horrible things and putting me down" -- this is classic dementia behavior. Maybe you're not familiar with what dementia does to people? Maybe you don't spend enough time with your mother or aren't in the care communications loop to understand her decline? (Many adult children are in this position). If she was this way all her life, then dementia could conceivably ramp up that part of her since negativity is common in very senior people as it is. I have an Aunt who I grew up with and we love each other. She's now 100 and says the most hair-curling things to me, accusing me of heinous things. This is dementia.
We don't get to pick our birth families but we do get to choose if and how we engage with them. I'm so sorry that your relationship with your mother couldn't have been at least "not painful". May you gain clarity and wisdom and peace in your heart.
She was very clear to me, stating that she was not leaving me anything in her will, that was the last straw for me, it was not about the money, it was a slap in the face, basically saying that I did not matter to her.
Finally, I had enough, it was either her or me, I chose me! That is the day, to me, she died.
No, I will not attend her funeral, nor will her golden child, who now has turned into the golden goat as he is stuck with her and is not a happy camper.
Do what is best for you!
I'd skip the whole thing. Remember, funerals are for the living -- in this case, for YOU.
You never have to see these people again. You owe them nothing. If they do come after you for money, say sorry I don't have it, I gave most of it to Mom when she needed it.
Time to live ur life for you.
They won't come after me for money. My siblings are all very wealthy and I have almost literally nothing. They know that and it has always given them pleasure. Any success or good in my life was met with displeasure and insults.
No matter how dreadful a parent treated us during their lifetime, it's hard to bury them. I don't know of anyone who 'hands out cigars' at their mother's funeral, to be honest. There's relief in their passing, for a variety of reasons, but there also seems to STILL be lingering feelings afterward. No matter what we do or don't do for them during our lives, after death, there's still some unresolved business I think. For me it comes out in dreams. I did so much for my mother which she never felt to be 'enough' and reminded me of that fact continuously. So now that she's gone, while I suffer no guilt about it, there are still lingering feelings I'm having that I can't even really pinpoint, but that surface in my subconscious while I'm sleeping. Can't even remember the dreams, just waking up feeling odd and unhappy.
So my point, as jumbled as it is, is this: try to figure out what will give YOU the best feeling after the event is over, and do whatever that is. There's no easy answer, and no 'right' or 'wrong' b/c your The Bad Guy no matter what ANYWAY, in the eyes of the 'family'. So who cares? It's what YOU need to do that counts only. Right?
I'm sorry you (and so many of us) are in this dreadful position to begin with. I only pray to God our own children don't feel this way when it's our turn to die. That we caused them so much pain & heartache during their lives that they're here, at this juncture. Very sad.
I'm betting you treated your children differently than your mother treated you, so there will be a different result. I wanted children but my mother did all she could to sabotage that. In the end though it's a plus as I never wanted any child to go through what I did and I have no doubt my mother and siblings would have done the same to any children I would have had. xo
Interesting that she's happy now. You, too, should be happy now. It sounds like everything has worked out for the best. Go your own way and don't worry about the others.
I'm not worried about the others. I wanted to say goodbye to my mother and get some society acknowledgement of my loss. I appreciate your comment.
It's a very individual decision. I totally understand the narc mother, the golden child and the scapegoat dynamics. However I did look after myself health wise and financially though, particularly health wise, I was affected by life long verbal and emotional abuse.
I can only encourage you to do what is good for you. Care for your health, start getting your finances in better order. Set boundaries to protect yourself from further abuse.
(((((Hugs)))) I know this is hard. Once mother died I finally went no contact with my sister. I have since wondered how much better off I would have been if I had refused POA etc. and gone no contact with both of them years ago after my father died. I certainly had reason to.
Yup - if only we'd had the internet back in our day. We would have known about no contact. I finally went no contact with my siblings after they didn't help me during the two years (it was supposed to be 2 months) of living with my mother when helping her downsize and find a new home. That was the straw that broke my back after a lifetime of what you had too. Well, better late for us than never! Wishing you well. xo
I'll deal with it when it happens. If DH needs my support, or I'm feeling super kind. But to sit through speeches that will extol her virtues when she was nothing but nasty to me would be very negative to me.
So many of us have such mixed feelings about family. It's truly sad. There is so much love in the world and some people just shove it away with all their strength.
I hope, whatever you decide, that it brings you some measure of peace.
Your advice is great and appreciated. Wishing you peace.
He also has a truthful obituary written up and ready to go. He is considering mailing him an advanced copy, but hasn't yet.
Abusers don't deserve to die with their secrets.
Especially when most deny everything they did to their children. It's remarkable how they have no guilt or remorse.
I'm with your husband in that not hiding it anymore helps to heal. I'm jabbering my story on this site and one other after 60+ years of hiding it and I think it's helping me to know 1) I'm not the only person, which to me means it's not our fault and 2) I don't have to protect someone who consciously hurt me for my entire life as I deserve to be heard and at least for myself let the truth be known.
In my case, she's convinced the small extended family we have that I'm horrible over decades so nothing I could say would ever convince them. I once read "chose your audience". If they're unsupportive, at least know that going in so you won't be hurt. Also, I'm sure you and your DH know this, but sending the obit in advance is just for your husband. If his father is like my mother, he'll deny everything. Wishing you both all the best.
I have a sibling and I will not be attending her funeral if she pre-deceases me. I don't have any relationship with any of my nieces and nephews at this time in life. After my mother died, the family dinners ceased. There was no more family time. The children grew up. Families separated, divorced and remarried. Stepchildren were added to the mix, and no one knows each other any longer. The dynamics have changed. People stopped speaking. However, I'm not at all surprised.
I digress~ However, I may have a change in heart but I doubt it. It's not like I don't love my sister because I do, but I wouldn't go because it is for her celebration of life and I feel that my presence will take away from that. She has one adult daughter who had it in for me and literally stopped speaking to me after she came over and started a ruckus in my apartment the day my dad was funeralized. She drank almost 3/4 of a gallon of Tequila and decided to start in on her mother until my husband (rest his soul) put a stop to it. After that night, she was so antagnostic towards me and my daughter. I would be uncomfortable being in her presence. So, out of respect, I will leave it to those first three siblings to attend along with their adult children since they are all closer in age.
I haven't been driving lately because of my own health issues. I haven't felt like myself in quite some time. I ended up being prescribed the wrong meds for my heart last year and haven't been able to pull out of it. I've had a few cases since I work as a Home Health Aide, but they were horrendous. I've decided to take this time to myself to fully recuperate if there is a such thing.
I would suggest that you have a real conversation with those 'Golden Children'. They are your siblings and it would do you good to express your feelings about everything. They might just surprise you.
Your mother like mine made you her scapegoat when your father left. She needed someone to abuse and take her frustration out on. Unfortunately that person was you. I'm sorry it was because I know how it is to be that.
Your abuser (in this case your mother) is still alive. You still have the opportunity to tell her exactly what you think of her, and I think you should. It may help you to resolve your feelings and when she finally does go, it might make it easier. You have the opportunity now to tell her how much she hurt you and when she dies, you will grieve for the loving, nurturing relationship she never had with you. Then walk away.
Don't go to her funeral and say bad things about her even if they are true. A person is different things to different people. To others she may have been a loving and caring person. To you she was not. Let others who love her have the funeral when the time comes. You don't have to go and you shouldn't.
I hope that you've gotten therapy for what your family life was like for so long. It helps.
I've told them all and they didn't care. My siblings, as successful and wealthy as they are, have real issues. My sister, the golden daughter of us two, has always been a sociopath. When I was my mother's human shield as the younger much smaller child, she laughed and said it wasn't her problem when my mother was calling for help. My sister (and mother) both had no reaction to 9-11 and other national and personal tragedies. In fact, they get delight out of seeing others in pain. My older brother (also a golden child) also literally laughs at others' pain. I don't get that except to know that it's wrong. Hear a news story about a child getting killed - that's a laugh riot to them. Psychos or sociopaths, I don't know which.
Also I've tried, as others here probably have, many times to explain to my mother that I love her and want a relationship and how her actions hurt me, but she denies all, calls me weak and other painful insults, or says "get over it" when "it" (her abuse) still continues.
Why on earth would I go to say bad things to others? Not sure how you got that out of my post. Perhaps that's what you would do.
I learned as a child that saying anything about my mother's abuse was met with "oh, a mother would never do that to a child" or other such dismissive statements. That's why child abuse continues to this day - because others dismiss what children (and abused adults) say because the myth of the saintly mother (or father in some cases) is perpetuated all over.
I'm trying not to let your post bother me, but above someone commented that their husband might share what he went through with others. Why shouldn't he? So what if that father was nice to others and mean to him. That son needs to be heard and if he chooses to do it at a funeral, more power to him to do what he needs to heal. His father doesn't deserve protection and the others can have their opinions however they want.
I regret using the word "funeral" in my original post. I meant seeing her body to say goodbye to her. That is not "something for the living" as some others here say. That is for the survivor of a loved one.
I would try to go to the funeral and make one last effort to farewell your mother. Be the better person. If you get to the funeral and people are nasty and mean (that is a reflection of their poor character), maybe you can just leave, and at least you know you tried?
Thanks for the advice. What you say is what I was considering - only going to say goodbye to my mother, not to see anyone else, and then leave as soon as humanly possibly because my siblings have always been needlessly cruel to me even in "happy" situations. xo
By "funeral" I mean going to see my mother's body to say goodbye (ideally with no interaction with others) not to attend a memorial or anything of that sort.
I'd never go listen to how wonderful she was to others, knowing how mean she always was to me. I know from experience that that is way too damaging and hurtful to me. I'm trying to get over a lifetime of feeling unloveable, unlikeable and undeserving.
Are you referring to the Reviewal portion of a funeral?
You know what? You've got real problems and going by your responses here to not just me but others (I read things carefully and clearly you do not), you really don't want to help yourself. No, you'd rather remain the the victim of your mother and siblings because it means you can continue wallowing in self-pity and blaming them for why your life is miserable. As you state in your post they are living together and perfectly happy living their lives. You're not. That's on you, not them. You're an adult and in adulthood people get choices that they don't get in childhood or adolescence. One of those choices is how much power they're going to give others over their lives.
You will never get an apology from your mother. Neither will I or anyone else. You're not going to get any thanks for your years of caregiving either. No one does. So either not being thanked and victimhood becomes the rest of your life, or you seek out some help to stop letting it.
Please, read the posts carefully before commenting. I never suggested you go and say bad things about your mother at her funeral. Read that again.
Truly, if your mother and siblings really don't care about you at all, then write them the off. Have nothing to do with them. Seek out healthy relationships with people who do care about you. Like friends, other relatives, get in a romantic relationship. Why not?
There's no reason why you can't have all of these. You won't have any if you keep feeling sorry for yourself though.
Mother like yours don‘t change, admit, resolve, or start being loving parent all the sudden. I know, I experienced that.
Move on, go or not go to funeral, but could be years.
You are losing yourself in endless misery.
NO ONE is attacking you here. Least of all me. Sure, I've got problems. Who doesn't? I don't think there's a person in the world who never had or doesn't have some kind of problem or other.
I know what it's like to wallow in self-pity and victim mentality though because I did it for a long time. I also know how to get out it. I know how caregiving for an abusive, narcissistic bully can devastate a life. In fact, it almost ended mine.
Yes, this is a support forum and I gave you the best support and advice you're going to get because it's the truth. The ugliest truth is always better than the most beautiful lie.
You have to do everything in your power to drag yourself out of victimhood. It's no easy thing to do. It's ten times harder when there's no support system in person to help you get out of it because it's easy to wallow in self-pity. Blaming others for why your life is what it is becomes comfortable. The pain and misery become like a sort of friend. A companion of sorts, but it will use up your life. Choose joy and love.
The person who told me this lost everyone because of WWII. He even had to leave his country (Poland). He came to America, remarried, had another family, had a life. In fact, he loved life.
He loved life because he knew first-hand how fast life can just be gone. So he didn't live his life as a victim. He didn't live out the rest of his days in misery feeling sorry for himself either.
You don't have let victimhood and resentment win. You deserve to have a life with joy and love in it.
So choose joy and love.
Everyone has bad days when the pain of the past creeps in on us. All people who were ever caregivers to parent have felt resentment towards them. If we come from an abusive and dysfunctional upbrining like I did, it can make you feel like a victim too. We're only human and all of us have human emotions. It's okay to have them and to talk about it when you need to. You choose whether or not you're going to be a victim though. Don't be one. You deserve better than to let your mother and sibling make you their victim because then they win, and you lose.
You nailed it.
If somebody wants to remain a victim they will, no matter what.
I too knew few survivors of horrible events and some exhibited the most positive attitude towards life.
They know, changing people and events is not going to happen, but, embracing life with all the obstacles is crucial. Nobody will experience only the best in this life, most will tip the scale in other direction.
We let it go and begin something wonderful.
I will most likely do the same when my mother passes given that she told me (in a fit of manipulating guilt) not to come to her funeral. Said comment was made 10 days after I went all out for her Mother’s Day celebration this year and it really hurt me to the core. I didn’t respond to her comment but just let her hang up the phone on me and haven’t talked to her since. I’ve been no contact with Golden Boy brother and his greedy wife for 2 years and it’s going to stay that way. Four months ago I was in mental and physical health crisis due to their scapegoating, demonizing me and evil games designed to make me look like a villain. With counseling and help from this forum I’ve improved and not going to let anyone in this family step on my dignity again.
I’ve known since my father died 12 years ago how this is going to end - with my brother and SIL taking over everything, her money, her mind (brainwashed), her possessions, her funeral and burial decisions and all her love and affection. There is nothing left but to say goodbye to her. There will be no reading of the will - I know I get nothing. My presence at her funeral would be excruciatingly painful for me to face my abusers. I won’t put myself through it. I choose to remember the last beautiful day I spent with her on Mothers Day and avoid the subsequent toxicity.
Seriously, such a statement is extremely toxic and I will say it’s taken time to get my head around it. But while I’ve been reflecting my BP is getting lower and I’m working on radical acceptance. I so wish the elderly would attempt a few counseling sessions with their adult children in an attempt to equally involve them in decision making or at least the proffering of ideas.
I wish you peace in deciding this issue re: your mother. ❤️
Do you *want* to go? I read your story and I remember others....so much pain and history. Do YOU personally feel like YOU need to go? Do you need the closure? You don't owe her anything whatsoever - in any way to go for her. You don't owe your siblings in any way to go for them. So many people get caught up in signs of respect for those that have passed away - that you aren't showing respect for them if you don't go. Those people don't know the full story if they expect you to attend a funeral for someone who has treated you this way, and WITH people who stood by and lived free of abuse on your back while you took it.
The only reason I would even remotely suggest that you go is if YOU need to go. And I'm not even sure I think you should go for that reason because I'm concerned that in going you will encounter more problems that it will solve. You may find closure in saying goodbye - true. But if the relationship with the siblings is as contentious as it was with your mother - and it sounds like it is - are you opening yourself up for more pain - new pain - and new problems?
Are you able to say goodbye without going? Can you find YOUR closure without being there? Can you get what YOU need without being present for her funeral? Because that is my only concern.
My FIL is a narc - we are all still in contact and serving currently as caregivers - as a family we are unified in the fact that we are not going to have a funeral. PERIOD. As a family we are familiar - DH, myself, SIL, BIL and the grands - of his abuse and and narcissism - but there are still some outside of the family who revere him. And if we had a funeral we already know we would be ready to resort to mild violence having to listen to them sing his praises and it would just feel fake and disingenuous to have this big celebration of a man who was abusive and horrible to my husband and his sister their entire lives.
Additionally - it would also be exactly what he would LOVE - he has left no funds for his own funeral, his "dream" (but not planned or paid for) wishes are astronomically expensive and his absolute DREAM would be to have some long line of mourners spending hours reminiscing about what a wonderful man, husband and father he was ( he was not). So we have decided not to have one.
I think sometimes you can mourn and get closure in private. Many people don't understand what it is to mourn a narcissist. Grief and mourning in general are like the layers of an onion to begin with. Grief and mourning for a narcissist - are just unexplainable to people who have not dealt with one. I have talked to my DH about this. Your first emotion may not be sadness when she passes. It may be relief. Grief is a strange thing under normal circumstances. And how you mourn and when you mourn is very personal and private. So only you can know what you need to do and if you need to attend her funeral and if you will be able to deal with your siblings.
I'll leave that in your court. But I wish you the best of luck in your decision.