How to put up with abusive, controlling, arrogant elderly parents?

Follow
Share

My mother has always been arrogant, demanding, controlling, whether it be at her house, at mine or at any of my siblings' although she has a good side too.
My father has always been evil, greedy, jealous and absent and does things to torture us.
My youngest sister passed six months ago and this nightmare has taken their souls. They are now totally dependent on us.
At this moment, theyr'e at my brother's. My older sister is there too and my father is making her life miserable. He accuses her of having contributed to my sister's death (she died of cancer at 47) and tells her she's a witch and must die.
He takes off and makes everybody go search for him.
They're both coming to live here (I live in their property) in one month. I have a full time job.
Any advice?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
11

Answers

Show:
If you have a full time job, look for another place to live immediately. The person that people like this live this will end up being a mangled shred of their former selves.

Read up on some of the wisdom on this site......Detach with love......boundaries...RUN!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Ditto the others. Don't do it! Really, don't....I don't how on those on here keep their sanity living and caring for someone much or all of their day, every day. The stress of caring for elders that don't live with me has been the most profound stress I have ever experienced in my lifetime. And I'm talking over stress of other deaths of friends and family and hub with cancer. This is a special kind of stress in a category all its own.

Find somewhere else to live, go to a friends or other family until you find a place or stay in a hotel if you have to temporarily. IF you have to be there, still pursue finding somewhere else so you can withstand the fire knowing there's an escape in the near future. I'm not one to be so fatalistic sounding, but if both of your parents are like this on a regular basis, you will suffer....and perhaps irreparably. All the best and let us know.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

MariaDoGato - you really need to move out. Your mother will call you - don't take her calls and only do for them what you CHOOSE to do, not what they demand you do. Get counseling to help if necessary. Read stories on this website - they will make you want to run. Good luck
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I agree that you can't allow them to come and live with you. It's time to draw a line in the sand. But I think the key is your wording, and your perception of the situation: "how to put up with...."

No one should HAVE to put up with this kind of treatment. Beyond being insulting, degrading and dehumanizing, it's controlling and manipulating of a very serious and unhealthy nature.

Putting it bluntly, I suspect that your siblings have been manipulated and controlled by your parents for years. You'll need to break your parents' hold over you to retain your freedom.

I wouldn't normally recommend seeing a professional, a therapist or a psychologist, but I think it might help to understand the family dynamics, and why your parents might have behaved like this toward their children. It also might help to explore if they can change, if they even want to, or whether this is going to be their behavior for the rest of their lives.

I think you and your siblings need to stand up to the bullies and just flatly refuse to accommodate them any more.

But for your own health find another place to live ASAP. I think you and your sister would qualify as emotionally battered women.

Your being in their home only enhances their ability to treat you abusively since that's their nature and you're dependent on them.

Another factor is whether or not you have children. If you do, you have an obligation to them to remove them from an abusive situation and protect them so they don't grow up believing that verbal abuse and threats are normal. If you don't, you could find yourself losing your children if Children's Protective Services intervenes and justifiably removes children from your custody.

There's another element to your father's behavior which makes me suspect he has a mental illness. You wrote that he calls your sister a witch and says she must die. I call that an immediate threat to life and limb, worthy of involving the police.

"Taking off" and making people search for him is another manipulative tactic but combined with the witch accusation makes me wonder if he has dementia or a mental illness, perhaps both.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Do NOT attempt to live with them in your house or even in theirs. A wanderer needs to go to memory care. Mom probably needs assisted living if she can be polite to others and follow directions from staff. Neither one of them in your house; it will be like a slow suicide.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Ditto to all that's been said plus find yourself somewhere to live quite a way away so long as you can commute to work so they can't keep turning up on your doorstep.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

MariaDoGato: I just clicked on to relieve immense stress and anger and saw this topic. Wow! RUN RUN RUN RUN
My Mother has ruined my health, emotions, relationships, and now I am no longer the nice good Christian woman I was 8yrs ago and I let her.. I feel so rotten inside that I just cannot function emotionally. I never said "bad" word until I lived with my Mother for 8yrs. This yr 2015 has been so tough on me. I haven't been posting anything because it is so unbelievable what she does and I a drained out. IN OTHER WORDS, DO NOT LIVE WITH THEM, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THEM! Best of everything to you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

It sounds as though your parents are mentally ill. You need to establish clear boundaries.

Find your own place to live. Only answer phone calls once a day and say " sorry, have to go now" if they become abusive.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

How to put up with abusive, controlling, arrogant elderly parents?

Why?

Why on earth would you want to learn to put up with this behavior? You had to as a child, of course, but as an adult? Why?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Ditto to everyone else's comments, RUN, don't walk, to find another place to live ASAP. If you are living "in their property" they will certainly NEVER let you forget that fact. Start packing NOW. Then first thing Monday morning (Dec 28th) start looking at apartments, etc. I mean it, Maria, they will suck the life out of you. They sound extremely dysfunctional and perhaps mentally ill (i.e. blaming their other daughter for the deceased daughter's cancer). I would live in my car before I committed to the living arrangement you are facing in a month. Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions