I'm an unpaid carer for an elderly neighbour. I moved several hundred km away and he then moved to live next door to me again. I was a little put off by that but I let it happen because I could see he wasn't happy where he'd been living. Mostly it's not a problem but every few weeks he seems to cycle into a mean and nasty phase. When he's like that he makes it impossible to care for him or even tolerate him. He will pick arguments, accuse me of random things like purposely missing a turn off on the road or saying things that I simply haven't said. He will refuse aspects of his care then act oblivious when specialists/nurses/doctors ask why things haven't happened. His favourite thing to do is to manipulate medical staff into having a go at me or worse still ignoring my input. He's just fired up again today with that one and I'm so hurt by it. He knows I'm a decent person who won't walk away and abandon him and I feel taken advantage of. I know what I should do, walk away, but I also know that I won't do that. Feels better to have had a rant at least.

Notevenrelated, having personal boundaries and not accepting abuse has nothing to do with being a decent person.

How did you let it happen? Do you own the property that he lives in?

You can tell him that you will not be his scratching post and as much as it goes against your nature, you will completely disconnect from him if he doesn't stop with the abuse.

You can change this situation by standing up and stop being his doormat. Sorry, I don't think that laying down for his abusive treatment makes you a decent person, it makes you a doormat.

He doesn't think that you are a decent person, he thinks you are an easy target. Don't give him credit for believing anything good about you.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Makeadifference Jun 17, 2021
Very good answer.
When he's in his "mean and nasty" phase, just walk away, and tell him you'll come back another day when he's not so hateful. You don't owe this man anything, so not sure why you're tolerating his behavior.
And why did you let him know where you moved to? Perhaps you need to move again, and this time don't let him know where.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
Isthisrealyreal Jun 17, 2021
My thoughts exactly. I think that I would have been contacting the authorities that this guy is stalking me.
" He knows I'm a decent person who won't walk away and abandon him"

I'd explore this belief of yours that a person who would walk away is NOT decent with someone who is impartial -- say, a therapist.
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Reply to CTTN55

Give yourself time off. Give him a “time out.” Only then can you reevaluate whether you want to let this person in your life. It sounds like this relationship is unhealthy for you.

You appear to be a very kind person, but you are forgetting to be kind to yourself.

We all only have one life. Use yours to spend time around people that make you feel happy, or at least appreciated.
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Reply to ACaringDaughter

You feel taken advantage of because your are being taken advantage of, and only you can stop the pattern. Decide today that you won’t tolerate even a moment of rudeness, that you’ll walk away each time it happens. You have a kind and caring nature, otherwise you wouldn’t be providing care for someone you’re not related to, but often it’s the exact personality type that gets walked all over. You have worth and value and shouldn’t accept anything but good behavior while trying to help. He’s not changing, but you sure can
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Reply to Daughterof1930

What are you getting out if this unhealthy relationship? You are being abused and stalked by this person.
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Reply to sp19690
marymary2 Jun 20, 2021
Great question. I asked myself that about my mother, siblings and ex. What I was getting was a dream - the dream that I had loved ones. I had to wake up to the fact that they never loved me, never will be able to love me and will never give me even 1 millionth of the care and concern (including money) that I gave them. Maybe Notevenrelated needs to give up on a similar dream. Notevenrelated - that's not a healthy relationship. You deserve better. Even if you will be alone - it's better than being abused. Stop now before you spend a lifetime being treated like garbage.
I am assuming because you wrote "several hundred km away" that you don't live in the States? So we aren't familar with the services you have there. Seems you may have been helping him before and moved away to get away from him? Then he moves near you?

You need to stand your ground with the Medical people. Tell them you are not related, you are his neighbor doing him a favor. You are not paid to be his Caregiver. That you don't need them berating you.

Then you need to set boundries with him. There must be services out there, research them. Then give him the list and start backing off. If he wants you to do something and its a service on the list, tell him to call that number. We have senior transportation here in the US, if you do, have him use it. Make his doctors aware that you no longer will be helping him and why. Tell them they will need to find services to help him.

Has he promised you he'll leave you in the Will or compensate you in some way? If so, is it really worth it? Like said, when he starts to abuse you walk out. If you have the nerve and he starts this in public, leave him and tell him find his own ride home. This would be hard for me to do but when I got him home I would leave him at the front door and tell him not to call me again. He needs you more than you need him. His abuse has to stop.

We have Adult Protection Services (APS) here in the US. If you have something similar, call them and ask that they evaluate your neighbor for services. Tell them he relies on you too much and you need to back off.

If your from the UK we have a few members. Country mouse being one of them who works with clients every day. Its about 5 pm her time so she should be on later.
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Reply to JoAnn29

You describe yourself as a decent person, but I would say you are more of a saint.
You say you won't walk away but you probably should
While you are showing this man great kindness, you are not treating yourself that way. At the very least, explain to him you won't stand for it anymore. Maybe you can look into what assistance you can find him to relieve the burden on yourself and maybe transfer your role into being a neighbor friend.
If he is treating you badly and seeing you still stick around it will get worse
You are clearly a very good person, it saddens me that this is what you get in return.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to FarFarAway

Why do it if you are not being paid. I am not certain of your motives, or why his family is not caring for him. In fact, the person you are helping can start accusing you of stealing and abusing. Or worse yet--his FAMILY will, then some agency will be knocking on your door accusing you of nasty things.

In life the very people you try to help will turn on you.

I would not not do it.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to cetude
Riley2166 Jun 20, 2021
Bravo - you are so right. If you choose to help someone and you get even the most minute gut feeling, they are turning on you - do one of two things at once. Immediately set boundaries and be prepared to enforce them OR leave at once and never look back. How I wish I had learned this so much earlier in my life. Now I know better and do something at once - before they cause harm to me.
Two words for you. Just stop!
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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