My Aunt was batteried by her past caregiver.My Aunt's past caregiver was her neice.Who would ever think a family member would hurt another family member?The past caregiver that went bad was also,my cousin which I haven't seen this cousin in over 30 yrs until this happened to my Aunt.The cousin was arrested for battery towards my Aunt.There is a restraining order that the state file for the cousin to have no contact to the Aunt.As of now she is out on bond waiting for her court hearing.
It seems I walk into this line of fire.
Let me first respond to you all to say "Yes" the cousin did in fact beat out Aunt no doubt about it.Since we now got that out of the way let me cont-,
I feel I walked into a line of fire,
Ever since the cousin beat my Aunt up.No other family member is willing to step up to this plate to help my 88 yr old Aunt.Everyone is affraid to help my Aunt.Affraid if they attempt to help in any way they will be the next to go to jail.
My Aunt contacted me asking for me to help take care of her.Everyone of my other family members told me don't do it!...If you attempt to help her and if one little scratch arrises on the Aunt your the one that will go to jail just like the cousin did.Stay away is what everyone tells me as don't help my Aunt.Well,if I don't help her who will?No one will help her.So,I decided to walk into this line of fire.The cousin that beated my Aunt lived with my Aunt as her caregiver.I don't live with the my Aunt.I am now her caregiver but,I don't live with her.The Aunt lives alone in her home as she wants to do.As her new caregiver I just go to see her every other day.Make sure she has spending money,food,clean cloths and make sure she takes her meds ect.
Going back to the beginning,After the cousin went to jail for battery.My Aunt demanded she wants to change her Will.Want's the cousin removed from her Will.My Aunt asked me to take her to her attorney to have this done.So,I did.The attorney stated to me he feels she will need a POA.So,dumbie me I agreed.The attorney stated to me at that time,"Do you realize what your getting your self into?"At that time I didn't know what he ment by that until today 3 months later.Taking on this caregiver job and this Durable POA job is becoming too big of a task for me to do anymore.My Aunt shows many signs of dementia or alzheimer's who knows the difference between the two I don't.She's not on any meds for dementia or alzheimer's.But,her memory is very bad.I made a agreement with my aunt to keep her out of a nurcing home.She wants to live at home until she dies is what she wants.I can only do what I can do.Her memory is so bad that she forgets my name at times calls me a different name.I could see her today and come tomarrow she won't remember I was their yestersay.The only thing she does do right is pay her bills.She still pays her bills ontime I give her that.But,other then that she needs help bad.She's 88 yrs old living in her home alone.My cousin that beat her lived with her.They was together 24/7.The cousin was also,a big drinker.Alcohol and a 88 yr old lady with dementia don't go together.There's no excuss for my cousin for beating my Aunt up.You just don't do that.But,I'm affraid.If I move in with my Aunt to be her live in caregiver as 24/7?Who knows what will happen to me.I mean,if one little scratch is found I'm the feller going to jail.And old people bruse very easily as we all know.Walking on hot coils is what I'm doing.Gun shy so to speak,affraid.
I can't move her into my home because,I have dogs.She's my Aunt not my Mother.I'm not getting rid of my dogs for her.Sounds harsh but,true.My dog is 13 yrs old older then my Aunt.And my dogs care for me more then my Aunt does for me.Understanding my Aunt was batteried by my cousin.My was always a hateful person and never had children of her own.For her to choose not to have children yrs ago is why she is in this mess today with knowone to help take care of her.She was always a rich lady with her nose up in the air thru out the yrs.When she became older and unable to do things like she should.In the past other family members came into her life to help her.They got close to her to obtain money.And drained her dry.Everyone knows they cleaned her out of money is why they don't want to help her now.The Aunt wants to leave me her house when she dies.That would be nice because,I don't own my home I rent.So,I'm helping my Aunt for two reasons,(1)Knowone else will and (2)If I help her I get her home.Sounds greedy?Somewhat in a way maybe.But,I'm not doing this all for nothing in return.I am her caregiver.I don't get paid to be her caregiver.I'm her DPOA.I don't get paid for that either.By right's I should be paid for my services as her caregiver.I guess the house will be my payment.It's to the point to where it's not worth the stress anymore taking care of her.From money loss out of my pocket to many other problems arrising for me.From the Aunt's memory loss and forgetting

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Dogabone, You said you want advice, not opinions.

Advice: Give up the POA and let your aunt go to a NH.
Advice: There's a very good chance your aunt will either die or go to a NH within 5 years.
Advice: Don't expect to inherit something that will almost certainly go to pay for a NH or home care.
Advice: Don't be surprised when your Aunt's care gets to be so much you can no longer do it, and HAVE to put her in a NH.
Advice: Don't tell us what's wrong with women. Stay on our good side if you want our help!

Opinion: I wish you well, and hope you are happy with whatever choice you make.
Helpful Answer (7)

idda stayed with my mother if she never had a dime. her will stated that i could live in her house for as long as i lived. i was outta there and back home in a matter of hours upon her passing. if inheritance is your primary motivation its not much of a substitute for caring out of compassion and may not work out as planned. mom left me a few thousand bucks. im only using it to upgrade my masonry equiptment and she would approve. thank you mom.
Helpful Answer (6)

Dogabone, yet more advice...
1. Look up a guy who goes by Captain Hardass on here. He's been there done that.
2. Don't expect gratitude from your aunt, ever. She does not have it to give. It may make you less angry when you do not get it.
3. Document every mark, bruise, fall, and complaint in writing and/or cell phone pix and make sure you are on the good side of visiting nurses and anyone from Adult Protective who may be looking in after her abuse situation. And double document any expense of hers or yours as DPOA. Keep well organized files and a handy extra copy of the most important papers with you. Keep bank accounts separate.
4. Sounds like you either need but don't quite have a healthcare DPOA and are running into HIPAA-based fear of sharing information with you, that sometimes occurs even if you DO have it all lined up.
Helpful Answer (4)

I'm mom's caretaker, POA (both financial and medical) and executor of her will. My mom has plenty of money and has mild to moderate dementia (not end stage) and guess what? I'm moving her to assisted living in the next 1-2 months. Not everyone holds out for "something at the end." I want my mental health....not money....thank you very of luck to you dogabone......and I agree.....dealing with negativity on a daily basis for who knows how long is for all the money in the world! Ditto to what Jinx4740 said regarding the women comment.......
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Frenchmadeline, my number one reason for putting my mom in AL is because she gets absolutely no socialization at home with people her age. She says she doesn't want to socialize but that's all she does when she goes out (which is rare). I forced her out on Christmas Eve and Christmas and she had a nice time. I know that being around others her age on a daily basis, doing activities and having her own efficiency will make her feel more independent than she does now. So, yes, I will pat myself on the back and feel special about placing my mom in AL rather than letting her brain turn to mush by sitting in a room, sleeping 12 hours a day and watching TV twelve hours a day.

Also, my mom stopped "living" a long time ago......and I haven't! I've put in almost two years of listening to complaints about not wanting to do this or that. For goodness sake, she even complains about getting a shower two times a week.....far be it for me to keep mom clean......guess it takes away from sleep and TV time! That and she hasn't spoken to one of my siblings in two years......I'm tired of being in the center of it all. Maybe she'll make a friend at AL like herself and they can "complain" together! ;)

Many years in mom's future? Don't tell her that.......she could care less! Mom says she "doesn't care" if she falls apart......she's 75 years old you know! And as I've said in previous posts this isn't new behavior, she acted this before she fell and hit her head. She refused to get out of the car at the senior center in the fall.....had she tried it she would have loved it......I'm tired of dealing with it.....and why should I have to?

I wasn't always POA and Executor of mom's will. It used to be one of my siblings. I took over when my siblings (all of them) got sticky fingers with mom's money. I spent weeks and months getting all of mom's finances in order. Uh oh, there I go again, patting myself on the back.....

Mom's money is for her care and now it's time it was used for her care and socialization.....yeah....and maybe I can get my mom/daughter relationship back rather than feel resentful every time I have to give mom her medications (three times a day) or make her a meal she could clearly do herself if she'd get up off her lazy butt, walk into the kitchen and do it (I'm talking a simple sandwich for lunch, nothing fancy).

Yes, I'm executor of mom's will.....there may or may not be something gifted at the end. But I don't care one way or the other. Besides, one shouldn't count on what might be left over at the end. My husband and I have saved and invested (and still are) for our own retirement.
And I will not make my kids take care of me, never.ever.ever. Just told them to make sure they visit from time to time..... :)

Lastly, (I've posted this before) one of my teenagers needs major surgery with weeks of recovery in 2014. This is my priority! I will be needed on both a physical and mental level. So, yeah, I can admit it AL is best for mom and best for me!

Maybe your mom is or was a real peach, a positive person, someone who wanted to do things, go places, be a part of are/were fortunate. My mom is not one of those being at AL is better than the downward spiral I witness every day in my home. Something I can no longer be a part of. Having mom live with me has changed me and not for the better. When I get a break from caretaking (like right now) I come alive again and I can think clearly!

My goal is to get mom into AL so I can concentrate on me and my family, most especially, my son.......sigh......

I think if someone (like me) can admit they no longer want to be caretaker (24/7), is mentally drained, have three other siblings with only occasional help from one of them, and have a child facing surgery I think it is special and honorable to do what I am doing rather than keep on keeping on......and becoming mean and even more resentful towards my way!

So, unless one has read one's complete profile......don't judge.....please and thank you.......just sayin'......
Helpful Answer (4)

Care4Mama, I applaud you for your comments. It is clear that you have your priorities in order. I was where you are now about 2 1/2 years ago, and I made the decision to place mom in AL. Mom was 84 at the time with worsening dementia. Although she was not mean and nasty, she was demanding, and the stress of meeting her needs along with the needs of my family and job, was not good for my health. She is in a wonderful facility now (I did move her from the first one about a year ago as her dementia worsened), and I know that she has much more socialization and stimulation than I could ever provide, (although she doesn't remember most of it). Having professional caregivers lets her maintain her dignity and allows me to relate to her as a daughter. I am still involved in her care by taking her to appointments, running errands, doing her laundry and including her in family and holiday gatherings. AL was definitely the right choice for us.

Like you, I am POA, MPOA and executrix, and I am not counting on any inheritance, but rather saving and planning for my husband's and my retirement. I don't think that there is any amount of inheritance that would be worth ruining my health and my relationship with my mother.
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Let's see if I got this correct: 1. She is nasty and senile. 2. She has a house that you want. Well, guess what? She has too much dementia to be on her own and needs to be in an Alzheimer's facility. Your family warned you, the lawyer warned you. You know deep in your heart she is going to end up behind locked doors because she can't function. You won't get the house either, because the state will take it to pay for her care. Do not be blinded by your own desire to own a home, because it is not going to happen. Now that you have the facts, make your decision. The tough part now is how do you get out of this without her accusing you of abuse as well? Good luck with that one, maybe the lawyer can get you out of it.
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"How much dirty treatment from your loveone would you take to get $100.000 and a house?"

Absolutely none.

Mind you, I might put up with a lot of bad treatment for the sake of someone I loved, especially if that person had dementia. And I might accept payment for caring for someone. But I can't imagine taking on the role of primary caregiver to a disagreeable person simply in hopes of inheriting something.

Besides the house, how big of an estate does Auntie have? If the $100,000 you mention is all she has, that would not last long if she has to go to a care center. Then she will need Medicaid, and there will be nothing left for you to inherit.

It sounds like your aunt was a mean and disagreeable person all her life. But even if she wasn't, she now has dementia, and there are certain behaviors that are part of her disease. For example, hiding things and forgetting where they are hidden and then accusing others of stealing them is very common with dementia. I suspect that this is part of what the lawyer meant, saying you don't know what you are getting in to.

Another thing about dementia is that it gets progressively worse. Very few people with mid-stage or later-stage dementia can live alone with just someone checking in with them every couple of days. She is either going to have to have in-home services and/or she is eventually going to need to be in a care center.

It is not clear to me what you are asking, or whether you just want to vent. If you are asking whether the grief you are getting is worth it in exchange for a house, my vote is No. And also I think it highly unlikely you will ever wind up with an inheritance from her.
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frenchmadeline, have you looked up the profiles of the people who have responded to this post? Have you noticed what shoes they really have walked in? Do you think the site should exclude everyone who is disillusioned by their experiences? Or maybe just exclude people whose opinion doesn't match yours?
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Dogabone, looks like you've decided already and it sounds like it is for the best. Medical science is horrifyingly adept at keeping people alive in truly terrible condition. Your aunt might live many years yet and keeping her out of a nursing home would become very challenging indeed. How are you planning to withdraw from your caregiving duties such that she still has the care she needs?

And in defense of people here, I read this board pretty obsessively lately and I've seen many accounts of people providing caregiving with no hope of any real inheritance. It does happen.
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