My mom is a US citizen living in Canada. She is almost 90 and living in a nursing home. She is going to sell her house and wants to come live here in NJ with us. So we will have to buy a new house because ours is way too small. So should her, my husband & I all be on the mortgage? And another question is she is in a wheelchair but thinks she can walk. How do I get her from there to here(439 miles)when she can't get into my SUV because its too high. I have researched wheelchair accessible vans but you cannot take them across the border. Anyone have any advice or ideas for me? And I know I need to become her POA for the USA but how do I do that when she's not here yet? I need to get it done soon!
It may be way less expensive for her to stay in Canada and you visit every 6-8 weeks.
If she lacks coverage there, she should come home where she’s eligible for Medicare benefits and a Medicaid nursing home. The money from the house should be used to private pay for a nursing home until Medicaid takes over vs trying to buy a new dwelling with her on the deed and turning it into a defacto nursing home.
Also she has to move first before you can prove she is a resident. Can you afford the gap?
If that isn't a huge RED FLAG, I don't know what is!
Questions for you to consider:
- Why hasn't she sold her house already, being in a Nursing Home?
- She's living in a facility with 24 hr. care. Will you be able to provide that?
- What exactly is the big hurry to move?
- How does your husband feel about this idea...TRULY FEEL?
- When was the last time you visited Mom at length-like 2 weeks?
- How much medical expertise do you have caring for a wheelchair-bound elder?
- Do you and Husband work, or are retired?
- What is Plan B if this idea backfires within months?
My take is Mom is too old to be selling her house and moving 400 miles away, basically destroying BOTH your lives. The stress of it all could cause her to get much worse, if she survives it.
If she was truly able, she can sell her home and move wherever she wants. Why share a house with YOU? So she has a 24 Hour UNPAID Caregiver? I'm talking toilet/bathroom helper, bathing helper and personal driver (taking her to doctors and picking up a heavy wheelchair you always need to bring?) Do you have to buy a new car next?
If she wants to move back to NJ and live with you and Husband, DON'T DO IT. Find a similar facility NEARBY for her to move directly into....or JUST SAY NO.
Why upset your finances AND LIVES for such a selfish request? Or is it an ORDER?
Your whole tone is one of being desperate and pressured. RED FLAG #2.
she's in a nursing home. Does she think that she will move into your home instead of nursing home? When was the last time you actually visited her in Canada?
What are issues that you cannot fly her to NJ?
does she have family in Canada?
Mom doesn't have to come to New Jersey just to assign you as her POA. Have a NJ elder-law attorney prepare the appropriate documents and arrange for Mom to execute them properly in Canada. Notarization in Canada will be recognized in NJ.
If you have to have the Canadian medical transport van transport her to the border and meet the American medical transport van. Ideally you would only have one medical transport van but if they are not allowed to border cross this is what I would do.
If mom wants to come back to the US, then I add my voice to the others here that she do so on the criteria that she move directly into a facility that better suits her needs.
Plus are you sure that she has mental capacity to sign a POA?
I took care of both parents, both of whom lived into their 90s. I was willing and eager, just like you. Their dying took 5 years, and they were not in good health at all. My life was miserable, and I resent that they didn't plan better with a plan that didn't include me. They should have been in a LTC facility, and so should your mom.
Mom needs skilled nursing now. Unless you are a professional nurse, an RN, you're not up to the job no matter how much you love her. Please don't do this!
Has she assigned you POA in Canada? She can certainly assign you POA in the US, it's a simple enough form, but only if she's mentally capable. Someone who uses a wheelchair but believes she can walk doesn't sound especially capable.
She's in a nursing home because she needs residential care. You're not equipped to replace an entire staff, you're one person. And frankly if she's not up to traveling 400 miles maybe she isn't up to relocating.
Sure she can sell her house and move to NJ. It's odd that it hasn't been sold already if she doesn't live there any more. Assuming she is capable of selling real estate and moving countries you move her directly to a residential care facility which you line up BEFORE she arrives. None of this "oh, she's just here while we find her a good fit". No.
No you don't buy a new house with your money, her money, or a loan directly from the Lord. You don't take on a new mortgage in what must be your 60's. That's very bad financially along with everything else. What are you going to do with this giant house when you're in your 70's and she's gone? Sell that and buy a smaller one again? No.
I think your efforts would be best spent figuring out everything you need to do to make the rest of her time go as smoothly as possible where she already is.
If she is trying to guilt-trip you into taking her into your home. or trying to bribe you with the promise of a bigger house if you take her in, don't fall for it. If she sincerely wants to be closer to you for positive reasons, then she'll agree to do it by changing care facilities, not by disrupting your home life.