A part of me has felt like I died with caregiving. Does anyone else feel this way?

I can relate. It really took a toll on me, but I’m getting my spark back. Luckily, I worked to get fit and healthy as possible. I feel really good and intend to make myself a priority this year. The stress of caregiving has made me appreciate everything so much more! Talk therapy helped me a lot.

Yes!

I felt the same way so many times. Fortunately I am married but my husband and I had def lost so much time with each other due to us caregiving for my grandpa. He was so demanding of our time that we had nothing left for ourselves much less each other. My relationships with friends and family fizzled and even my children grew distant. Now gpa is in a facility and some of the weight of caregiving is off of me, so I am trying to rebuild those relationships. Its such a heavy thing, we do not realize it until it is upon us. Therapy has been helping me. You should consider it.

TenderStrength5: I stayed with this forum.

Oh dear one...YES I relate with your every word. 16 years caregiving to my dear sweet Father-in-law (giving him his wish to pass into God's arms) at home. We moved from AZ quickly home to MI. What we were told was he had very little time. Loving him so much and giving up pretty much our privacy of marriage was indeed a sacrifice of love and he lasted 2more years. Then 2 month later my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and almost lost my "everything" in surgery and 1 week after.
So, my caregiving continued (though treated quite badly, mybempathy for what he was going through KINDA "eased" my caregiving of my heart.
1 year later and (we weren't asked) my Son and family moved to Mi for us to put them up in our tiny 1 bdrm farmhouse and finally when they got their own place...we had the little ones at our home helping to raise them. Still considered caregiving because it had now been 4 years of non stop caregiving. I was becoming resentful...abd guilty for feeling resentful that I rarely had time to dress each day. Caregiving now for all family at this point
Hhad reached 11 years...and no vacation or time even fir myself.
Then came my mother-in-law and a particularly hard time with a life as a narcissist, 3 years add'l caregiving...and for past 16 years my husband was showing signs of "forgetfulness" leaving stove burners on, and as time has gone on he became withdrawn, detached from himself, extremely aggressive towards me and quite dangerous. His whole personality changed as time went on.
Last 2 years i was having to seriously consider a shelter for me. FINALLY ...I kept noticing him constantly lightly rubbing his forehead and THAT clued me in. He had a horrific accudent years back and his forehead had been torn away and suffered of course damage to the brain! Not to mention he was a bullrider and with the jarring of brain while riding and falling...I began to put t all together...Frontaltemporal disease. He's in a quickly progressive stage of Dementia and I've journaled his behavior according to his timing each day together with a flow chart so we'll be ahead of the game when Neurologist initial appointment.
So all in all...been caregiving to all the family now including handling ALL financial responsibilities. I feel like I am yoyo'd and I m forgetting my own medications, skipping my own Dr appts/referrals showers, and not a vacation of any kind now since 2007. I'm exhausted and have nobody to help. Son now too lives in AZ as he wanted us to move back to AZ "because if anything happens to us...he just can't take of work. We're now living 3 hours away and hes "no time to drive to help me out...not even by phone call. So, dear person you certainly are NOT ALONE. But, I would like to give you some encouragement of love...His Heavenly love i find in Scripture and quotes i find along the way ive screenshot and they too have helped emotionally. I pull up my photos and file through until one of the quotes edifies me to get through an exhausted, discouraged moment. (Look up quotes on google.) This has been the best ways ive found for now on MY part. And, reading Psalms and the quotes made me feel not so alone.
Being told to rest yourself...etc...just makes things worth...because i haven't the time. God bless you for your loving sacrifuce and for sharing.

You’re BURNED OUT from caregiving. Sorry it happened to you but now you’re now free to move on. Perhaps professional help will restart your life.

I feel like a big piece of me was killed off from caregiving for over 10 yrs for my mother, even with her in AL and then Memory Care Assisted Living! As an only child, and with her toxic, nothing is ever enough personality, she just sucked the life out of me. And a lot of the joy, too.

Others can and will tell you how you "should" feel, and what a "joy" and "honor" it is to care give for someone you love. That you should sit around singing Kumbaya together every night. I'm here to tell you that's nonsense for a great many of us. We have LOs who drain us, who treat us like garbage, or, who treat us decently but STILL suck the life out of us. Please don't feel "less than" bc others tell you how you "should be" caregiving "properly". The only time I felt like I could start living my OWN life again, w/o stress and worry and endless phone calls, was after mom passed away. And then my husband had a liver transplant and shortly after he recovered, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

I've been in remission for over 2.5 yrs now, but treatment has left me disabled. What I can say to you is this. Try to take time for yourself thru the caregiving chaos. Hire help. Go on vacations and place your LO in respite care. You have lost a piece of yourself but it's still in there, not gone forever, just hibernating. Decide how long you'll do this and when you'll retire from caregiving permanently and what will be involved in doing so. Then Do It. Life is short and nobody knows what's lying ahead. Make the most of NOW.

My daughter is having a baby in Dec. I get to throw her a shower next month! I got to see her get married and look pretty myself! I get to feel joy now all the time, in spite of it all.

Best of luck to you. You're heard here, my friend.

All these hardships in life, are only a chapter in your book. They may seem long, but often they really are not that long to care for a loved one. To give a few years of your life to care for someone you really adore is a beautiful act of love. If you are not very close with someone, or they have never treated you well, then just don’t get involved. It should not come from pressure or guilt, the act of caregiving should come from a place of love. It is hard, but so is much of life.

Caregivers with a positive attitude and creativity, do much better with their own quality of life, then the negative thinking caregivers who spend the whole day in the house complaining about life.

I did everything possible to help my loved one try to still enjoy life, even with a slow decline from dementia. We went out to restaurants, parks for picnics, walks with the wheelchair, played catch with a soft easy catch ball, enjoyed movies, tv shows, yummy meals together, music, arts and crafts, family time and reminiscing old stories, feeding birds, and watching wildlife, gardening, singing, exercising with bands or in a chair, etc…. If you truly love the person, you CAN make the most of the caregiving for everyone envolved. Ask for help when you need it.

TenderStrength5, I want to tell you about my husband. I met him a few years after I had taken in my struggling son and grandson, almost a year after my father had taken his own life, and three months after my sister had died. With a son and grandson in the house, caring for a mother with Alzheimer's in another house, and holding down a full time teaching job, I thought there was no chance this man was going to be interested in dating me. His friends told him not to. He hung back a little bit for a few months, but stayed in touch enough to watch me handle it all. Then he decided I was doing as well with it as anyone could be expected to do, started dating me in earnest, then he married me, and eventually started helping me with my mom. For 9 years! AND, he's still here three years after her death, and 4 years after the son and grandson got off on their own. None of it was his own family. I did not expect any of it from him, but here he is, as you say, to "still see" me. So, it turns out I was actually in there somewhere and so are you. Make some choices to find YOU, love, physical closeness, intimacy, and whatever you need, again. Get as much help as you can find. Be well.

I haven't Had a date in 9 years . My Last Real Boyfriend was 15 years ago . The caregiving definitely robbed me of Opportunities to travel and have a Life But also a love Life . I took a break in 2019 to see my Grand Kids , Lost weight. felt Happy , Had a camping trip Planned to meet People and a Job Lined up and My Car Packed ready to go to Asheville , NC . My Father kept calling me during quarantine " Karen when are you coming Home ? " Then the tenants all wanted to leave and turn in their keys . Both Friends said " You have to help your Father . " I Had to cancel a second Job . So In 9 Years Just taking care of sick people with No friends or Love Life . Sometimes you have to Choose you and your Life because Now I am Older and I do not Know if I can do my travel Plans or meet a partner .

Yes, you've changed. Hopefully in time you will feel more like your old self.

I really miss the person I was five years ago, I had a happy life and had joy in living my life back then. The experiences of dealing with my parents issues and all the other family baggage for the past five years have left me very depressed, angry and anxious. It continues to be soul sucking.

I’m sorry for your pain in this. Just as you’ve made life choices that got you this far, you can make additional life choices to find a path forward, one that includes the things you miss. You matter

I See You!
Did you see the movie Avatar?
Their highest compliment to each other was to say 'I see you'.

You didn't disappear. You changed. A caregiver is something you became. You can now become something different. I once said to a shrink "I don't know who I am: I am my daughter's mom, my husband's wife, my patient's nurse, my parent's child".

Said she-----------You are ALL those things.
And you are.