For the past five years Mom and Dad faced dementia and other illnesses. Mom passed about two years ago. Dad is home alone with dementia. There is disagreement about his care needs and communication. Siblings refuse to meet to discuss situation which mostly includes cryptic notes and a fair amount of sarcasm. How can we get through this without a total family break up? Thoughts?
If your dad was in his right mind he certainly would NOT want his children arguing over his care and because of him.
It's just not worth it...really it's not.
You say it will take all of Dad's finances, but that is fine. Just as he has to pay now for housing, utilities and food, a memory care center will provide his housing, utilities and food.
But the family disagreements are not going to end there.
Once Dad is moved out of his home, or he passes, the family will be left with the task of distributing his assets; what will happen with his home, his belongings, his bank accounts? That often brings family members to angry fights.
The POA needs to step up and take charge, whether anyone agrees with them or not.
They won't have to worry about distributing the father's assets if they place him and he passes away. The memory care will make sure they rob every cent (and legally allowed) so there will be nothing to distribute among heirs.
Your father most likely needs 24/7 supervision. And can not be ( live ) alone any longer .
Call Dads local Area of Aging . They will
send a social worker out to talk to Dad. This is what I did to prove to my siblings that my mother wasn’t safe home alone any longer . The social worker will do a care needs assessment .
The social worker asked my mother a bunch of questions, like what to do in emergencies etc . The social worker determined that Mom could not “ come up a plan “ for any of the hypothetical situations the social worker proposed . My mother’s needs were that she needed 24/7 supervision.
Hopefully this will open up your siblings eyes. Good Luck .
much responsibility. Step back, refuse to take on the lion’s share of work as you’ve been doing, and see what happens.
Siblings can be very different personality types! May be brought up by the same parents but still gain different values. Have different life experiences that shape them. Certainly have different financial means & other obligations in their life to balance.
Some louder & shouty about stuff, some quietly resentful. Some doing hands-on practical help, some better at emotional support.
Sometimes a 'bossy boots' springs up - with a roster in hand demanding duty & assigning everyone without concent..
Sometimes battlelines get drawn up & sides chosen. Between the Keep Mom or Dad at home until the end vs It's time for 24/7 supported Care.
ie Home vs Care Home
Getting a Social Worker involved FOR DAD may help. Not to decide what to do, but to spell it all out in a more factual way (also less reactive way). I personally found this very useful. To better understood others' viewpoints but mostly to learn better ways to communicate.
Hmm, got me wondering...
Avoid the fuss? Maybe coz DH makes zero fuss?
(Other people's medical concerns go directly onto his ear & out - immediately forgotten). Some of his siblings are more 'health conscious' I guess & range from concerned & suggest scans etc to flying into high drama & alarm mode.
Or forgetting? Maybe because it WAS very minor (eg I bang my leg on the dishwasher every other week).
Or hmm, power plays? Setting up little rivalries. Divide & concor style. Keep them all vying to be the most trusted & therefore fav kid.
Intersting as a mere human nature study but very frustrating if you are the one dealing with it!
Time to step aside and let that person do his job or file for guardianship. Listen to everyone here. I wish I had found this site years ago……..my family is beyond repair at this point.
it was a big help for us all. And I think my Dad got better care because we were all on it. There were disagreements, but as the medical person in the family, and the POA, I pulled the trump card a few times. But I tried to listen and be generous and kind and build consensus whenever there were disagreements.
Good luck to you
I hope you and your family can walk through this experience together. It is one of commitment and values and honor. You are doing a wonderful thing for your dad. All dad knows is where he is now.
Anyways, always look to the future and use this as experience; for your children or loved ones should be in dad's position.
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