My best friend's mom had early-onset Alzheimers. My friend was frustrated that her mom, a very intelligent, lively, independent woman, asked the same simple questions over, and over, and over again. She'd get mad at her mom and start yelling at her. Even though she seemed to forget, it was obvious that she was upset at the time. She was made to feel ashamed and seemed to withdraw from her daughter. Who exactly knows how often parts of those memories would surface in her mind and sadden her?
We were at a park one afternoon with the whole family. My friend tended to her kids at the swings while I chatted it up with her mom on a bench beside the pond. I'd tell her about my kids. She asked the same questions during each story..... Who are we talking about? How old is he? What is his name? I never once got frustrated by her questions. In fact, I began to start my stories with..... My son, Tristan, he's 9 years old...... My 4 year old son, Ryan..... I'd keep the stories short so she could get through the whole thing before the information faded away. My friend looked on from the playground and saw just how happy her mom was. Smiling and laughing. She now understood that keeping her mom happy and engaged was the best thing she could do for her. Those last few months were precious to them both. That was almost 10 years ago and my friend still tells me how much that day meant to them. And how grateful she was to realize that she could still reach her mom and make what was left of their time joyful.
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As for this grandchild, he/she is doing no good by bringing up bad news. It is cruel, yes CRUEL, to subject this grandparent to negative, troublesome information that has little to do with his/her life in what time there is left.
My suggestion is, regardless of age, sit this kid down and have it consider what this person is going through. The confusion alone can be paralyzing. This grandparent should not be subjected to news and current events that will only upset him/her, fostering a feeling of helplessness due to the inablity to protect the family. Even if the conversation seems to be quickly forgotten. Make it understood that if one has nothing nice or uplifting to say, one should say nothing at all. And if this grandchild cannot hold to that, visitation WILL end until his/her behavior changes. However, if the grandparent asks for this grandchild, a quick hello, a hug and a kiss can be accommodated.
It isn't hard to distract and raise someone's spirits. If you don't have your own light-hearted story, make one up. Talk about the fat squirrel you saw hanging from the bird feeder that fell and ran away; the toddler at the store with lollipop goop all over it's face; the idiot guy on YouTube who did something stupid and now sings in the girls' choir.
Enjoy and cherish the time you have. Make new memories you can share with your family long after this loved one has passed. I wish you and your family all the best during this difficult time.
Per https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/symptoms/memory-loss-in-dementia#:~:text=Memory%20and%20emotions&text=People's%20emotional%20memory%20is%20affected,recall%20other%20details%20about%20it.
Memory and emotions People's emotional memory is affected much later on in dementia. Before this happens, people can often remember how they felt about something, even if they can't recall other details about it.
Even if they didn't have Dementia his conversation could be upsetting. I would ask him/her to please talk about brighter things. That his/her conversations are upsetting. That it causes anxiety over something they can do nothing about. Anxiety is not good for them.
In my opinion, if the adult grandchild has been told that he is upsetting his grandparent by discussing certain stressful topics, and regardless continues to do it, then he shouldn't be allowed to visit. This is very insensitive behaviour and I personally wouldn't tolerate it.
I was going to ask how old this grandchild was but MaddieMae refers to the grandchild being 44 years old! Is the grandchild your own child? The age of the grandchild and your relationship to him/her would make a big difference in how you might guide the interaction with your parent.
How often does the grandchild see his grandparent? I'm guessing they are only trying to make conversation with their grandparent, don't you think? The nice thing with dementia,(if there is anything nice about it) is that the person with it, probably won't remember the conversations after a short while anyway, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just be grateful that this grandchild still wants to spend time with their grandparent.
Unless the grandparent is distressed to the point of having behavior problems, let go of this. You can always help to change the focus of conversations.
Is it upsetting them or you just think it's upsetting them?
You should ask them.
My 96 yr old Dad has dementia and I have mentioned to him on occasions regarding the Covid and why his Caregivers wear masks, ect.
He usually forgets everything withing 5 minutes anyway.
BUT, if it really is upsetting them, let them know.
You might have a camera installed so you will have proof it upsets them and I'm sure the Grands will adjusts their talks once they see it really does upset their Grandfather
Since the grandchild is 44yo and doesn't believe you about which topics are appropriate to discuss with a person with dementia, providing expert advice from the Alzheimer's Association (AA) might be helpful. Contact your local AA or the national hotline for advice. They've helped me out with some difficult situations. You may be able to arrange a call with said grandchild and the AA to discuss the topic. Some people just don't accept that family members really do have knowledge greater than their own.
If the expert advice doesn't work, then I would calmly tell the grandchild that their behavior is cruel to their grandparent and that you will no longer abide by their behavior. This means going forward only supervised visits with arrangements made in advance or no more visits with grandparent.
I would be thrilled that the grandchild takes time to visit his grandparents and make conversation with them. That is pretty unusual these days. My mom’s grandchildren don’t even visit or call.
I wouldn't be thrilled if a grandchild, or ANYONE took time to visit, but didn't have the sensitivity to know what topics were upsetting or saddening to the person being visited.
I would encourage your grandchild to educate themselves about dementia. The sooner they understand what is really happening, the better. Once they have a basic understanding, they need to be asked to be cautious with bad news, because the emotion stays longer than the memory. I sometimes try to imagine what it feels like to have my mother's dying brain. To me, the hardest thing would be feeling sad or anxious and not remembering why
I was my mom's primary caretaker for 6 years. During that time, my younger and older sisters didn't want to hear any of 'it'. They weren't interested in educating themselves about dementia or Alzheimer's. They occasionally wrote to say I was overreacting and hysterical when I tried to communicate our mom's progressing condition. Reminds me of O/Pr's 44 y/o adult 'grandchild'. IF I had the benefit of hindsight, I would have been more direct with them, and asked them straightforwardly, to learn the basics of Alzheimer's and dementia. I did, however, just stop communicating with them. : (
My best friend's mom had early-onset Alzheimers. My friend was frustrated that her mom, a very intelligent, lively, independent woman, asked the same simple questions over, and over, and over again. She'd get mad at her mom and start yelling at her. Even though she seemed to forget, it was obvious that she was upset at the time. She was made to feel ashamed and seemed to withdraw from her daughter. Who exactly knows how often parts of those memories would surface in her mind and sadden her?
We were at a park one afternoon with the whole family. My friend tended to her kids at the swings while I chatted it up with her mom on a bench beside the pond. I'd tell her about my kids. She asked the same questions during each story..... Who are we talking about? How old is he? What is his name? I never once got frustrated by her questions. In fact, I began to start my stories with..... My son, Tristan, he's 9 years old...... My 4 year old son, Ryan..... I'd keep the stories short so she could get through the whole thing before the information faded away. My friend looked on from the playground and saw just how happy her mom was. Smiling and laughing. She now understood that keeping her mom happy and engaged was the best thing she could do for her. Those last few months were precious to them both. That was almost 10 years ago and my friend still tells me how much that day meant to them. And how grateful she was to realize that she could still reach her mom and make what was left of their time joyful.
*****************************
As for this grandchild, he/she is doing no good by bringing up bad news. It is cruel, yes CRUEL, to subject this grandparent to negative, troublesome information that has little to do with his/her life in what time there is left.
My suggestion is, regardless of age, sit this kid down and have it consider what this person is going through. The confusion alone can be paralyzing. This grandparent should not be subjected to news and current events that will only upset him/her, fostering a feeling of helplessness due to the inablity to protect the family. Even if the conversation seems to be quickly forgotten. Make it understood that if one has nothing nice or uplifting to say, one should say nothing at all. And if this grandchild cannot hold to that, visitation WILL end until his/her behavior changes. However, if the grandparent asks for this grandchild, a quick hello, a hug and a kiss can be accommodated.
It isn't hard to distract and raise someone's spirits. If you don't have your own light-hearted story, make one up. Talk about the fat squirrel you saw hanging from the bird feeder that fell and ran away; the toddler at the store with lollipop goop all over it's face; the idiot guy on YouTube who did something stupid and now sings in the girls' choir.
Enjoy and cherish the time you have. Make new memories you can share with your family long after this loved one has passed. I wish you and your family all the best during this difficult time.
Per https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/symptoms/memory-loss-in-dementia#:~:text=Memory%20and%20emotions&text=People's%20emotional%20memory%20is%20affected,recall%20other%20details%20about%20it.
Memory and emotions
People's emotional memory is affected much later on in dementia. Before this happens, people can often remember how they felt about something, even if they can't recall other details about it.
You should ask them.
My 96 yr old Dad has dementia and I have mentioned to him on occasions regarding the Covid and why his Caregivers wear masks, ect.
He usually forgets everything withing 5 minutes anyway.
BUT, if it really is upsetting them, let them know.
You might have a camera installed so you will have proof it upsets them and I'm sure the Grands will adjusts their talks once they see it really does upset their Grandfather
If the expert advice doesn't work, then I would calmly tell the grandchild that their behavior is cruel to their grandparent and that you will no longer abide by their behavior. This means going forward only supervised visits with arrangements made in advance or no more visits with grandparent.
Whatever you do, remain calm and composed.