Hello
My mom is 94 years old and has been diagnosed with Dementia. I started taking care of her around 2012 and had the foresight to arrange a Durable Power of Attorney when she was lucid and capable of making sound decisions. As this terrible disease progresses it has caused my mom to behave irrational, suspicious, and many times very angry. I've arranged and managed all her health, financial, and household needs for years without any problem. She is constantly complaining of the littlest thing and says her life is awful. I've gotten her Medicaid which pays for an in-home aide to come to the house five days a week for 7 hours. We have gone through 15 of these home aides due to the abusive treatment my mom gives them. No one should take this kind of abuse, so they always wind up leaving. My mom just makes everyone around her miserable. Lately she has begun to focus her negative thoughts on me. She will tell anyone that comes to the house how I am mistreating her and that she needs help. She has called the Police no less than 8 times (using 911) and when they arrived, they were able to quickly determine that she was not making sense as she wanted me arrested for putting too much salt on her food. I know my mom is ill and that the lapse in her memory is causing her to fill in the gaps with these fantastic stories that seem to always blame me for whatever is going on in her head. It is very difficult to hear her say these hurtful things especially when she also tells them to other people. It is getting more and more difficult to let the things she says roll off my back. How much longer can I ignore her statements of, "I should have never had you" or "You're just as worthless as your father". I am also a gay man, and she has no problem calling me the Q word or the F word. Her ultimate suspicion is that I am making plans to put her in a home. I have made no such plans, but I am starting to believe that I need help otherwise I will lose my mind. I have literally not had a life in over 7 years, and she fails to realize the sacrifices I am making to take care of her. Lately she has been threatening to go to our attorney to remove me from the Durable Power of Attorney and to kick me out of the house of which I help pay for. So far, she has not asked me to take her to our attorney, but I have no doubt that she will want to eventually. Perhaps I am not the best person to take care of her anymore, but there is no one else. We do have a few relatives but due to her very abrasive personality she was estranged from them long ago. Is there some kind of service who will evaluate my mom and help me determine how to care for her? The current situation is not sustainable, and I need to reach out for some support to keep my mom healthy and save my sanity. Thanks to all who respond.
I'm confused - you say you want someone to evaluate her but you also said later that "I wanted to add to my initial post that I do have an official diagnosis of Dementia and Alzheimer's as well as a statement of incapacity from her primary care doctor." Why do you need an evaluation if she's already been evaluated?
Are you hesitating to put her in permanent memory care because you help pay for the house? Are you afraid you won't have somewhere to live if she is not at home?
Lord I feel for you! And you still concerned and trying to help her and she mean and threatening! Calling you Q and F!
Well TM you aint alone, I just dont understand how people get to be this nasty and to their own children! Those they are meant to love the most!
I do not have a solution for you! Can you ask her what she would like to do going forward. Do you have somewhere else to live if she were to throw you out?
You need support! It, s not all about her! Tell her, you feel you cant cope anymore with her. I mean do you love her so much that you are willing to sacrifice your own sanity and happiness?
You cant allow her to destroy you!
Can you turn the tables on her and just be positive and firm and calm.
Take her out to lunch or to a park. Does she enjoy anything? Is there anything fun she would like to do before she dies?
Well you have this forum, you are not alone! Stay strong
Go out and do something for you. It, s not all about her! But yeh, shocking about the home helps but surely they professional people and used to dealing with cantankerous elderly?
Even when she aged I did everything possible for her, she still said terrible hurtful things to me, about me to others, yet my being an only child and only family she had, I felt I had a duty/obligation/responsibility to take care of her - but it ended up being out of guilt, not love.
Next time she wants to go to the attorney, agree to it and take her. (although forewarn the attorney of her conditions). The attorney will be able to quickly assess her mental capabilities and coupled with the medical diagnosis of dementia, any legal documents can no longer be changed by her. )Btw- the medical diagnosis does enable you to enact the DPOA for her, thus you can make legal and medical decisions for/about her). But the attorney appt could have the attorney have the discussion with her about changing the DPOA, that the attorney will 'investigate' it to be discussed in a follow up appt (which your mother might forget about). But the appt could also assist the attorney in making the determination that she is incapable of handling her own affairs and that the DPOA can be enacted.
You need a support system- and given the lack of family/relatives - start checking out various agencies that could provide some relief for you. Maybe even hiring a Geriatric Care Manager who could step in at times for you. I did just that for my mother, so that I had a back up, when needed, to take her to dr appts, deal with medical issues/concerns, assist in finding the help mother needed. Plus that way, I was able to take a weekend off here and there, without worry, because mother knew she could call the Geriatric Care Manager in my absence for anything and everything. Yes, it costs, but well worth the mental relief I would get periodically.