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My mom is 94 years old and has been diagnosed with Dementia. I started taking care of her around 2012 and had the foresight to arrange a Durable Power of Attorney when she was lucid and capable of making sound decisions. As this terrible disease progresses it has caused my mom to behave irrational, suspicious, and many times very angry. I've arranged and managed all her health, financial, and household needs for years without any problem. She is constantly complaining of the littlest thing and says her life is awful. I've gotten her Medicaid which pays for an in-home aide to come to the house five days a week for 7 hours. We have gone through 15 of these home aides due to the abusive treatment my mom gives them. No one should take this kind of abuse, so they always wind up leaving. My mom just makes everyone around her miserable. Lately she has begun to focus her negative thoughts on me. She will tell anyone that comes to the house how I am mistreating her and that she needs help. She has called the Police no less than 8 times (using 911) and when they arrived, they were able to quickly determine that she was not making sense as she wanted me arrested for putting too much salt on her food. I know my mom is ill and that the lapse in her memory is causing her to fill in the gaps with these fantastic stories that seem to always blame me for whatever is going on in her head. It is very difficult to hear her say these hurtful things especially when she also tells them to other people. It is getting more and more difficult to let the things she says roll off my back. How much longer can I ignore her statements of, "I should have never had you" or "You're just as worthless as your father". I am also a gay man, and she has no problem calling me the Q word or the F word. Her ultimate suspicion is that I am making plans to put her in a home. I have made no such plans, but I am starting to believe that I need help otherwise I will lose my mind. I have literally not had a life in over 7 years, and she fails to realize the sacrifices I am making to take care of her. Lately she has been threatening to go to our attorney to remove me from the Durable Power of Attorney and to kick me out of the house of which I help pay for. So far, she has not asked me to take her to our attorney, but I have no doubt that she will want to eventually. Perhaps I am not the best person to take care of her anymore, but there is no one else. We do have a few relatives but due to her very abrasive personality she was estranged from them long ago. Is there some kind of service who will evaluate my mom and help me determine how to care for her? The current situation is not sustainable, and I need to reach out for some support to keep my mom healthy and save my sanity. Thanks to all who respond.

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Sounds like it's time for placement in memory care. They are trained to handle patients with AD. You have gone above and beyond, and are now the victim of this disease as much as Mom. Only one of you can be saved, and that is you. Don't ask, just act. Mom may never understand but that is incidental. You did everything for 10 years. Your own wellbeing is important, as well as your sanity.
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News flash you do not have to take your mom anywhere. That includes the lawyer.
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You are not a bad person! Please don't beat yourself up. Caring for an elderly parent is hard and caring for one with dementia is even harder. Keep reminding yourself it's the disease talking, not your mom. I know that's easier said than done. I am an only child caring for my 90 y.o. dad with Parkinson's who's been recently showing signs of dementia...I think they were starting a year ago and he went thru some major anger stuff with me. It was really hurtful but once I realized it was his cognitive decline, it was a bit easier to brush it off. Please talk to your mom's Dr about her anger issues and agitation. There are many meds to help. My dad recently started Zoloft and it's helped a lot with his depression and agitation, he was lashing out at NH staff but now is not. I had to place my dad in a SNF after a fall and the dementia and Parkinsons worsening. It has made life much easier even though I do feel guilt but I know he's getting the care he needs that I cannot provide. At some point, you need to look into a similar situation or perhaps Memory Care for your mom, especially if it is affecting your life and emotional well being. She may hate it but it is what's best for her and for you. Hang in there, this journey sucks, believe me, I get it. I've had moments of complete breakdowns. But you deserve a life too and to take care of yourself.
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Jholley17 Aug 2022
I just feel so darn guilty
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12 yrs she has been having problems because of Dementia? This is a long time. Are you sure its not Alzhemiers? That does go for many years.

I agree, Mom needs to be medicated for her own good. By own good I mean this is an anxiety thing if she gets all worked up. Not good for her and not good for you. She should be seeing a neurologist and find out at least what type of Dementia she has so the correct meds are given.

There may come a time, you just can't do it anymore and Mom will need to be placed. If she is 94, you are a Senior too. There is only so much u can do and you serve those retirement years.
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Mom needs meds. A mild antidepressant and/or calming med. As in something to take the edge off, not put her in a coma. Her being so angry and mean can’t be fun for her either.

You have got to place Mom. She has progressed to the point where you alone cannot take care of her anymore. It’s not safe for you or for her. If the money isn’t there, get her on Medicaid.

You need to keep her away from the phone. All these unnecessary calls can result in a big fine or even jail time. Someone could be having a heart attack and don’t get help because EMS had to listen to Mom complaining her food was too salty! Summoning cops or an ambulance when it’s not needed is risking the life of someone who truly needs it.

If she wants to call someone, dial the phone for her and don’t let her out of your sight while she has it.
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Oh, you poor thing! It's time to get her into a care facility. You can't keep this up.

As a middle-aged mom with an aging parent, I have already told my own children, "Do NOT bring me to live with you. It was my job to raise you and care for you. Find me a nice home, visit me, and focus on your children."

Yes, dementia is a sickness that can turn people incredibly cruel as their filters die and their brain melts away. It's utterly tragic, but it's also a reality. You don't have to live with abuse, no matter what the cause. You've done your best, and you simply don't have more to give. Save yourself. You can't help your mom anymore, but that doesn't mean she can't be safe and cared for somewhere else.

The LAST thing you should do is view this as your failure to be a good child. No parent would want their kid to suffer at their hands, costing them their own health and sanity if they were in their right state of mind. Your life matters. You matter.
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Isabelsdaughter Aug 2022
I agree
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What someone with dementia SAYS must always be considered as the product of a broken and deteriorating brain, so there’s that.

Is there a reason why residential care isn’t being considered?

If you haven’t had a formal diagnosis performed, it’s time. Google “geriatric cognitive/affective assessment”. Psychologists, psychiatrists, some social workers, and neurologists can do this.

You are doing JUST FINE. Be sure you’re taking good care of yourself. You’re important too.
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Jholley17 Aug 2022
Thank you so much for your reply 💖
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My mom was calling the police all of the time, too. And she was also being negative about everything and everyone which was overwhelming and anxiety-inducing to the point where I had to leave the room / area to recover. Since she was calling the police constantly Adult Protective Services and the Community Service Board (mental health services) got involved. She was evaluated by a psychologist and he determined she was depressed. The CSB counselor directed her to call them instead of the police to talk. I changed my routine and started taking her to the pool some of the mornings and evenings to get exercise. Getting sun and exercise lifted her mood. Also going out and meeting people at the pool, and other venues like the church and coffee shops helps to relieve the depression.
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I think my daughter said it best about my husband who took care of his abusive mother. She said “He’s amazing”. I knew he was a pretty good guy but that really sealed the deal. He was so kind to try to give her dignity and respect in her last days even though she hadn’t earned that right by her behavior!”

you are amazing for giving of yourself to someone who never quite treated you right. She’s your mom, I get that but taking 12 years of abuse is a LOT.

Best of luck to you!!
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Reply to:
Thank you for your advice. I think I just needed to put this out there and see if someone would care because at the moment I really don't feel like I'm a good person. I'm sure it has to do with the relationship I had with my mom when I was a child. But even then she was more likely to let me know of my faults and never my qualities. Thank you again
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If I could I would take you out to coffee, give you a big hug, and share our similar stories. I pray that your life will someday be happier and that you will have all the good karma that have earned! We all love you and please know you can always reach out to use. I'm truly sorry about your diagnosis. Keep your chin up Mr. Rogers.
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