My husband is the sole surviving family of his Mother. His dad died in 2018 at age 92 and his only brother died young in 2014. All the legal paperwork is in place...Durable POA, will, etc. Last month, my MIL (who is 92) elected to have a hysterectomy due to uterine tumor and cancer. She is on hormone therapy for the cancer. She went thru the whole ordeal alone because of Covid. And because she lives in a retirement apartment building, she has also been under lockdown. My husband stayed in close touch with her doctors and surgeon, the hospital and management at her community. She lied to her surgeon (told him she no longer drove, but she does) and when she was sufficiently "recovered" she broke the rules and drove herself to Walmart to have her hair done and do some shopping and she drove herself to a doctor appt. (The community insists that THEY arrange transportation to keep residents safe from the virus.) She was severely reprimanded by management and quarantined to her apt for 2 weeks. She was so mad at my husband for checking on her condition and treatment with her surgeon, and for tipping off management that she was going to go out and about as she pleased, that she told my husband to stay out of her business, that she was independent and could do what she wants to. So my husband has basically left her be.
She is a narcissist and a liar. She has alienated everyone (including 2 grandchildren) and no one will help her shop. We do order things she needs on Amazon and have it shipped directly to her but that is all. She broke the rules yet again 2 weeks ago and was quarantined again.
As she has told my husband to stay out of her life, how much responsibility does he have for her if she gets kicked out of her place? She forbids him to speak to her doctors or management any more. The surgeon had indicated she probably has a year to live as the cancer will return and spread and they did not get it all in surgery. My husband had previously asked all her doctors if she can still safely drive and they said yes. But this will probably change as the cancer spreads. If an elderly person insists their only child stay out of their life, is it okay for the child to accept that at just let things happen as they will? We will no longer celebrate holidays with her or visit her as she is shutting her son out of her life in every other way. (And with Covid we cannot anyway.) If management calls and says they are kicking her out, can my husband tell them he is not responsible anymore per her wishes?
I think you are doing a good job. Your husband has the needed work in papers at the ready. He is doing as he feels he must (I think I would actually step away; I would think residents will report her going out and exposing them to problems quickly enough). She has seen herself through her own treatment. She will either pass in the allotted time or go on forever. Who can tell.
I think you will know for certain when you have to step up/step in, but I think she will never accept help and any move would be a terrific struggle. I would leave it be. I think you all, in your own ways, are doing great (or as great as it can be given the present circumstances).
only (is this legally enforceable?) and friends and family are NOT allowed to visit. All planned social activities have been cancelled. The dining room is closed (food is delivered to our apartment). We have had a solid six months of this!
To make matters worse, someone puts up posters, supposedly from "residents" stating how grateful "we" are that they (the management or employees, I guess) are "keeping us safe". There is even a little tree in the lobby to which we can attach thank you notes. I don't know who is doing this, but it just feels like outright manipulation to me. If I'm grateful (which, admittedly, I'm not right now) I can thank someone personally.
I was an R.N. for 30 yrs. Saved lives because it was my job, never considered it "heroic"!
So if your mom gets "kicked out", don't rush to her aid. She is independent. Allow her some dignity. I don't mean to leave her stranded, but it wouldn't hurt to let HER ask for help. That's what independent adults do.
I have family that will manipulate people into offering help and you can be sure they will say that they never asked you for anything, you offered. I don't offer anymore, need something? Ask!!
I am in the same predicament. My 96 year old mother lives alone in her house. She doesn’t want any help. She doesn’t drive but takes call a bus wherever she wants to go.
Last week she went to the laundromat. She does things HER way. I leave her alone. I visit once a week as her daughter not her caregiver. My son goes over twice a week to bring in the mail and take out the garbage.
Leave MIL be!!
As for that sentence of 'will no longer celebrate holidays with her or visit', that seems a little extreme to me. Don't discuss her situation or act as though you are trying to make decisions - but do include her for the last holidays of her life.
See All Answers