Dad (90) is so lonely/depressed since Mom passed away 15m. ago. He doesn't want to stay in his home and he has been impulsive. Advice?

My relative moved to IL (3 level care continum place). So similar to jkm's post below! Still cooks but goes down to dinner to the dining room too, Happy Hour, choir, social groups, old church friends. Thriving.

As a gentleman, he will be like Rhett Butler with the ladies gathered around... Or if physically up to a dance, look out ladies! He may find real soul satisfying joy 🤗

Oh, I wish that I could introduce him to my cousin! She may be a tad too old for him though! She’s 98. She says that she is going to make it to 100, and I don’t doubt it.

She moved into independent living. She still cooks and cleans! She drives even though she shouldn’t. She has gotten a couple of speeding tickets, then tells off the cop! LOL

She complains when ‘the old’ people in her senior living facility whine! She doesn’t use a cane or a walker. She is a tiny little woman. She wears a size 4 shoe and size 4 in clothes. She is extremely stylish, no old lady clothes! 😆 LOL She attends exercise class weekly. She has a lovely heart and a wicked sense of humor that I adore. She loves eating out with friends. She attends Mass every week. She does her own shopping, and ‘helps out the old people’ by picking up items for them too.

My cousin has been a widow for a long time. Your dad sounds like he would be a good match! She doesn’t like the men in her senior community. She says that they are too slow! LOL 😂

I know that your dad misses your mom. It sounds like she was the love of his life. I am sorry that he is so sad. Everyone grieves in their own way. It sounds like you are a loving and patient daughter. I bet that he appreciates your compassion.

I hope he will become settled in a nice place where he will be satisfied. My dad died before my mom did. Daddy would have been totally lost without my mom.

Wishing you and your family all the best. Take care.

A good independent living, with later options for assisted living and memory care, is a perfect fit for him. He can still have his life, privacy, and independence, but will also have people around, social activities available, and will make some new friends. My dad is in assisted living at a 3-level (independent, assisted and memory care) building. He will be 100 next month and is still in assisted living (one bedroom apartment with full kitchen) but he admitted to me when he moved in at 97 that he had waited too long to make the move and should have done it earlier when it would have been easier for him to take advantage of what they have for activities and for making friends. This place tries very hard to have activities for all levels of ability and interest and the residents also organize their own bridge, poker, and mahj jonhg groups. They have a lovely bistro with full bar service that has weekly happy hours and until the pandemic close-down, had lots of live music. Movies are shown every Saturday night, church services are held on Sunday's, and they have lots of classes and lectures. They have a small gym and offer exercise classes and walking groups. The lobby and sitting room areas always have people around to chat with. One of my father's friends - a woman from his church - has lived there since she was 80. She's in her 90's now and told me it was the best move she ever made. When she was younger she could just lock her door and leave on vacation with no worries about her house. Now, she takes advantage of all the activities offered. It seems to me your Dad would thrive in this situation. You also need to get him in a situation where as he ages he doesn't become dependent on you for everything - including all his socialization.

A great resource is this lady..... she has videos you can watch. Teepa Snow.

Just an observation from being a certified home health aide for almost 30 yrs. I am now 68 years old and still doing this. It is not always a good thing for people to "stay in their homes". Why? Because too many of them then tend to isolate. I have lived with so many of them, yes.. lived with them and no one calls, no one visits so the only ones they see is.......well.... us, their paid caregiver. THIS IS NOT GOOD. I wonder if dementia is caused by people NOT using their brains so just like muscles, you don't use it, you "lose it". The same with the brain. They don't get stimulation. I see them spending time watching television and again, THIS IS NOT GOOD! We were meant to socialize. There are clients that are in facilities and go to meals, sitting at tables with others where they socialize, go to the library where they can actually talk to others, sometimes reading the newspaper and discussing it! Spend time together attending all sort of activities whether in that facility or being taken somewhere by van/bus which is sponsored by these facilities. Again... and I cannot say this too much... too many, a great majority of my patients/clients end up "being in their own home" which is terrible a great majority of the time because they don't do anything but sit there in their "favorite chair" and do nothing. I find I cannot get them to do anything. Why? I am not sure. Too much depression.. thinking about what they cannot do? They tend to... and I love to pick their brains so I do talk to them or try to but, we are NOT family. They want their family... their friends and we remind them that of their conditions.... they see they are "at the end of their lives". I don't know. Staying in your home... not the best majority of the time because their surroundings ARE familiar and what they are used to but... we need to be around people to keep active. Tons of different types of people......different personalities.. We MUST have stimulation.. OUR brains need that, require that. I recommend to at least try a facility and not for just a few weeks. Try it for several months. They make friends there. The residents do watch out for each other. Someone does NOT show up for a meal, they know it and go check on them. You cannot compare this to what happens when they are in their own home which tends to be isolation, which causes depression whether they know it or not what is going on; then lack of activity which leads to atrophy of the muscles and brain. Which leads to death.

I think your Dad would be much happier in a retirement home. My mother who is 92, moved to one 8 months ago. I recently asked her if she is glad she is no longer living at the condo. She said she is glad to be in the home. Prior to the move my mother lost her live in friend of many years to cancer. My mother is also a very sociable person. She hates being alone. At first she was reluctant to move but she adjusted very quickly after the move. My brother and I checked out several homes on our own and then took her to see the one we had narrowed it down to. Due to dementia and memory problems she wasn't eating good meals or taking her meds. She was also resistant to any in home assistance and was dependent on me to entertain her. Now she is enjoying 3 nutritious meals a day, her medication is given to her on a schedule. She is participating in all of the activities and is very happy. She is constantly telling me how nice the people are there. She is much happier than when she lived alone and it has relieved me of a lot of stress. It sounds like your dad needs to be with people and have social interaction. Loneliness and isolation are not healthy for seniors. Good luck to you and your dad.

My parents thrived in an independent living facility. However it is not necessarily a cure for grief. There were certainly many and varied opportunities for socialization but some people in their facility did keep to themselves.

I would encourage you to talk with him a bit more about the RV, particularly if there are family members he would enjoy visiting. It's too much effort to put it up or the RV parks he used didn't appeal to him? It's not too difficult to add an RV hookup to a home (at least for water and electricity, septic is more difficult). We have a senior in his mid-80s who rotates through his children's homes. The kids have all had a hookup for his RV installed at their home. The "destination" kid travels to the dad's current location to drive a vehicle then the "current" location kid and the destination kid form a mini-caravan to move dad and his RV. He stays at a location for 1-2 months and then moves on. He enjoys seeing his kids and grandkids, going fishing, and visiting local events; he even seems to enjoy card groups at the local senior citizen seniors! He has pulled the RV to a local RV park and had a couple of the great-grandkids stay with him for a few days while they enjoy RV park's pool and bike trails.

There are services to move and set up the RV in another location and parks dedicated to seniors and/or adults if relocating the RV is the major problem. Learning to live alone is a balancing act we haven't practiced in a while. Much of our time with someone is doing things because the other person needs or desires it; without that subtle drive, it is difficult to choose or "want" to do the social things helpful to learning to live again following a death. An IL/AL is probably the correct eventual destination, but maybe your dad (and your family) would like a "road warrior" interlude first.

Is travelling too difficult for your father in general or is it just the driving and RV travel that are too much?
My father took several trips with a senior Travel Group after my mother died. He paired up with another single male traveler, and they were travel buddies for several years.

Seems like you have answered your own question. Your dad would probably benefit from a simplified "home" and the social aspects of independent living. I would also suggest that it might be wise for him to visit a geriatric psychiatrist with follow-on group or individual therapy to deal with his ongoing grief and depression.

I think there is a previous post about companies that you can hire to move his truck and travel trailer and that is a wonderful idea that you can research further.

Is there a specific reason that his other children and grandkids don't visit, call or facetime him. Do they live far away or are they just not as "close" to him as he would like? What was their relationship like when your Mom was alive?
In any event, since he is a healthy social person, he might not be quite as fixated on the grandkids visits, if he had more social interaction with other people in general. If finances are not an issue, I would recommend that you research Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRCs). These facilities have a full range of living options from independent living, assisted living, memory care, through skilled nursing so one can really age in place on the same campus. They do require an fairly substantial upfront entry fee and of course the monthly rental fee (services such as medication management and assistance with dressing or bathing can be added as they become needed). The great thing about CCRCs is that the campus usually has wonderful activities and in general the dining is equal to five star restaurants. Nothing brings folks together faster than food! One of the very well established ones in NJ regularly had trips into NYC for plays and museum visits (prior to Covid) for an extra charge. Like your Dad, one of my clients had complained about the kids not visiting often prior to her move into a CCRC (we just about had to drag her there!) Within 5 months, I was getting calls from her daughter to see if I could talk to Mom about "squeezing" in a two hour visit between her golf lessons and her swimming sessions! Cracked me up! We eventually got them in for a lunch date at the facility but even then daughter called to tell me how many people came over to chat with Mom and remind her they were going to a play later.

When looking at CCRCs you want to carefully (and I mean very carefully and professionally) review the length of time they've been in business and their financial background. One such establishment in TX went belly up in 2017 and although people eventually got their entrance fee back, it took about a year. It's also been my experience that although they may not be as "flashy" (chandeliers in the entrance), the non-profit facilities seem more financially grounded. Try to find a facility that has a foundation that will take over the monthly payments after a specified period of "private pay" just in case money runs out in 4-6 years.

Good luck and peace on your journey with your Dad. I'm glad he has such a caring child. He will never find a replacement for the love of his life but he may see new vistas.