My 90-year-old mother-in-law is moving in, and I know our marriage will change greatly. Any advice?

I have to wonder - whose brilliant idea was this?

You and your husband have up to three months to come up with a better plan. I recommend you put your husband on to this forum: he's the one with the responsibility, he's the one who seems to need a bit of a wake-up call.

Mia; Sometimes folks think "The Social Worker/Doctor/Someone in Authority says my mother can no longer live alone. therefore, it must be up to me to take her home with US".

Nothing could be further from the truth, but your husband won't know that unless he asks the right questions of the right people.

Where is MIL now? Why is this change taking place in three months time? There are ALOT of other options out there, but you have to first decide that you want to explore them and not end up like lots of folks on this board who say "I HAD to take my mother into my home and now she's miserable and I'm miserable, what do I do?".

You don't HAVE to be an unpaid caregiver in your home. You first of all need a professional assessment of her needs. You can call up the Area Agency on Aging in her area and get the ball rolling on that, or perhaps her doctor can order a home health agency (Like Visiting Nurse Service) to do an assessment.

This will arm you with the FACTS about what someone else says she needs. Then you sit down with your husband and figure out where these are going to be provided and how MIL (not you) is going to pay for them.

What is her income (SS, pension, VA benefits, savings)? You may need to go to an Eldercare attorney to get her qualified for Medicaid if she needs to access that for care.

Good luck!

Mia, you indicate your husband has no idea what to expect. I would ask as CMagnum has whether or not this was ever discussed, and whose decision it was to move her in. This is critical in my opinion.

If your husband made the decision w/o discussing or consulting with you, that's a big, large, massive red flag demanding attention now before she actually does move in.

Something you can do to move out of the anxiety/panic stage is address this potential proactively.

Make checklists of ALL the changes that will have to be made to accommodate her - assistive devices, cost of a Medic Alert, private duty care (and funding since this is self pay care), respite care, transportation, meal prep....every single thing.

Don't forget contingencies - someone will need to be with her when you're not there, know her strengths and weaknesses, call EMS in an emergency, etc.

Is she on oxygen? Then you'll need to consider what happens if there's a power outage in your area. Will you get a generator or find temporary respite housing? Having gone through this, I can warn you how difficult I found it to get that respite housing.

How many doctors does she see? Someone will have to find a new set of doctors, handle appointments, medical records and transportation.

Can she eat regular meals? Someone will have to cook and serve them.
Then identify sources (NOT YOU!) to provide meal service and get estimates. E.g., get an estimate for MOW, since you won't be available to cook. Get private duty estimates for personal care for her, with moderate levels of cleaning of the area in which she stays.

Present the list to your husband, and ask how he plans to pay for them. Emphasize in whatever way you know best in terms of your husband's potential response that you will NOT be changing your lifestyle or plans to become a full time caregiver.

Be sure to research Alzheimers stages, changes that occur at each stage, and methods to accommodate those changes. If, for example, you want to send her to Adult Day Care, estimate transportation costs, day care costs, etc.

You might want to contact the Alzheimer's Assn; I've found them invaluable for reference, even for people who don't have dementia. I've gotten good source lists for private duty, palliative care and other care provision issues.

Your husband needs to have a full budget and care plan so he understands the scope of what he expects you to do, and also to determine how he's going to pay for all these additional expenses. (E.g., does he plan to get a second job, cutting his leisure time activities, etc.?

Not knowing the relationship between you and your husband, you'll have to gauge how to effectively deal with resistance if that's his response.

You might also want to search this site for others who've dealt with this challenge. Here are a few starters:

https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=caring for MIL with dementia

https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=husband+wants+me+to+care+for+MIL

https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=MIL+wants+to+move+in

Some of these search hits may include the same posts, but you'll find that there are a lot of women dealing with this issue.

It looks like you have a little time to figure out other arrangements. Please for the sake of your sanity do not allow her to move into your home. There must be another way to have someone take care of her. She will need much more than you will be able to provide! Please, please seek out other avenues!

Why on earth would you do this? She requires professional care. And SHE deserves a caring, calm, non chaotic environment.

Amen cmagnum, especially point #8
"tell him she is his mom, deal with her yourself for I'm not her free help".

"I sound selfish, but I know we will be strongly effected in a way in which we cannot manage. I know our marriage will change greatly. I feel like my world is over and I will caring for a child who has a big mouth, strong opinions, dislikes and personality."

First of all you are not selfish and you are right about the other things.

Second, did your husband even discuss this with you or did he just do it?

Third, does he need reminding that as a married man, you come before his mother?

Fourth, have you discovered that he is one of those mom enmeshed men?

Fifth, why, pray tell, did he bring her home? Was this the only option or was it the option that would save the most money for him to inherit?

Sixth, given her state of mind, where does her doctor say she should live?

Seventh, get mom diagnosed and husband educated about her diagnosis.

Eighth, tell him she is his mom, deal with her yourself for I'm not her free help.