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My mother in law will be moving in the first of the new year and I cannot cope with the idea knowing a lot of her care will be on me. While she has her physical and mental wits about her for the most part, she is in beginning stages of Alzheimer's or Dimentia (have yet to diagnose). I am in a constant panic, depression and anxiety and not sure what will be ahead. My husband works and he has no idea what to expect either. I guess long story short is I am scared to death even if she is pretty self reliant, however, know that this will not always be the case. Our lives are going to be turned upside down and we have had so many goals. And now we have to alter our home for her safety. Thats fine, but its so much change too!!! I know I sound selfish, but I know we will be strongly effected in a way in which we cannot manage. I know our marriage will change greatly. I feel like my world is over and I will caring for a child who has a big mouth, strong opinions, dislikes and personality. Basically worse than me. No jokes. We have many pets (6), 3 that love barking and the other that get under foot.


I am so sorry to air out and ask what I should do at the same time. I feel like my life is simply going to be taken over until she passes. I hate saying that. But am I alone in this. I feel like a horrible selfish person for thinking about myself and husband.


The other issue is my 11 year old nephew. I practically live with my sister and he during the summertime, literally. I am only home for a couple of days a week. And I cannot go without that time with him in my life. I am spiraling! I am sorry.


I feel so trapped already. Keep in mind, I have never had any children just animals and an nephew who is practically mine. But never have had a person depend on her activities and other needs she may have.

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The worst thing we did was to allow my husband's mother to move in with us. It was 2 1/2 months of h*ll. She was rude and angry much of the time. The best thing we did was to get her into AL. There is no other family member that can or would help. It was us. But after bringing her here she became angry and mean. Now her anger is directed at the nurses who care for her. They are unfortunately used to being treated that way and unlike me, they probably don't cry every night when they go to bed because they've been yelled at again for something not their fault.
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Miakitty33...read my post from earlier today. I am in a similar situation but my MIL does not live or will ever live with us. My MIL does not have dementia but I can tell you, she created and my husband is allowing this living h*ll to continue. It is/has ruined our marriage and making me think I am crazy. My best advice, your hubby needs to get help for your MIL. It will ruin everything you both have and cause more health problems for you. I do not want to be negative, I am just speaking from experience.
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Miakity may have left the building.
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Where is Miakity33?

It's been 4 days and 33 answers since we first heard from her.
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I think the answer you got from cmagnum is spot on.

The first thing I would do is IMMEDIATELY look for an elder care coordinator / geriatric case manager who has extensive mental health training, because you're going to need someone with that sort of experience. You need a *professional* who can explain to your husband *exactly* what it entails to take care of a demented elder. You need someone who will read your husband the riot act--and has the professional qualifications to do this. You will want to go to the initial consultation *alone*, because you need help getting through your husband's thick skull that you absolutely do not want to care for his demented mother in YOUR home--and that you have *very* good reasons for making this decision. I hate to say it, but this IS a common problem elder care coordinators deal with. A lot of men really don't respect women and that includes their wives. They haven't gotten with the program that they can't unilaterally make decisions that affect their wives and family without their wives fully agreeing to it. Many times, they use bullying tactics, such as pestering you until you give in, in order to get their way. You also need a professional to *order* that he get professional mental health for himself *and* actively participate in couples counseling.

You and your husband are definitely going to need couples therapy. I think this problem ranks in seriousness equal to discovering that he's got a mistress and they've been using your bedroom. What he has done is violate the sanctity of your home, by bringing an unwanted and problematic person into your home and expecting that you will be cool with it.

Let's assume that he refuses to meet with an elder care coordinator / elder case manager. Make it very clear that NO is unacceptable. You want to spend at least a week telling him that 'we have a meeting with the elder care coordinator on ___ at ___. You need to be there. This is non-negotiable.' Some men will make excuse after excuse to avoid meeting this person. Hold his feet to the fire.

Let's assume that he's saying 'h-ll no, I won't go.', then it's time to hire a family law / divorce attorney. This is *completely* unacceptable behavior and, for your own safety and sanity, you have to divorce him. The same goes for if he refuses to go to couples therapy, he refuses to take couples therapy seriously or he stonewalls therapy. I know of times where the numbskull man woke up to how serious and bad his behavior has been only when you have him served with divorce papers and walk out.
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You should avoid this. I don't recommend it.
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When my mom moved in with me I had to consult in addition to my husband, all of my own children who live away from me and with my brother to form partnership on her care.
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If you really want to save your marriage and preserve it, the best solution is just not to move your MIL in plain and simple. Perhaps she can do her part and either invest in home health care or move to a proper facility instead of burdening your family and possibly ruining your marriage
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NO! NO! NO! If your husband moves her in, YOU should move in with the grandson you love! Tell your husband THAT, and make him believe it, even if you don't! While MIL might be fairly healthy NOW, her health will get Worse with time. IT will only end up BADLY, and why let it come to that! You are on good terms with your husband and her now. Why should you spend the rest of your years WITHOUT Both of them, feeling badly about it! i guarantee this WILL HAPPEN unless you stop it before it starts.
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You are not being selfish. Taking on the care of an elderly parent is very hard. You should have put your foot down and said no to your husband. If you don't speak up now you will be sorry. I am not going to sugar coat it. They will take over your life and you will no longer have your life. Get her affairs in order, get an Elder Care Lawyer, get the paperwork done while she is able to sign, get access to her finances, look at local Assisted Living Choices. If you think it's more than you can handle, just say NO! Some will say it's a blessing taking care of someone, I did not find it so.
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Miakity may have left the building.
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In your shoes now. I took my MIL 5 years ago (I love her very much), big mistake. It was fine for 2 years. She now has dementia and all h*ll has broken out in my house. I am in between her son and her. My husband can't handle the repetition of things and having to watch her all the time. No vacations, time off for ourselves. Too expensive to hired a sitter and you will have no privacy if you get a caregiver to help you. Constantly reminding my husband "she can't remember" is driving me crazy. It's no fun. Don't do it. NO-NO-NO. Of course, there is the Dr. Visit, Eye Dr. Visit, Heart Dr. Visit, you don't have time for your own dr. visits. Can't even go to the mall anymore with her, or restaurants, it's getting embarrassing. I could go on and on. My husband won't put her in a home because she still goes to bathroom, baths, walks with walker by herself. He feels she is not ready yet. She is deaf, can't see well and has a walking disbalance, that is why we have to watch her and won't leave her alone. Once in a while we have her sister watch her so we can get away, but sister is also ill and has a daughter with MS. Too much on her plate to add another one. I feel distant from my husband, he is constantly angry or upsets about something all the time. We are not the same anymore.
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My experienced advice? Just say "H*LL NO." Girl, you deserve better than your husband OR your Mother-in-Law in your home!
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My hubby ran this same scenario past me, it was his father, though.

I loved his dad, don't get me wrong, but we still had a couple of VERY NEEDY kids at home, a new grandbaby on the way, I was working PT....all those were factors, but the biggest one was simply that it was a terrible idea. Our lives would have spun on an axis, never to be the same again. Hubby thought I'd LOVE taking care of his dad, for some reason. I told him that yes, he could move dad in, but the girls and I would move out. I stood my ground. (15 years later I am still considered to be selfish for not allowing this to happen)

Then we worked out a "plan" which basically had me running to dad's 2-3 times per day to feed, clean, medicate, whatever. Towards the end, he had fallen and broken his collarbone and caused a huge skin tear on the way down. I had to open that wound and debride it and dress it 3xs a day. Also clean the bathroom twice a day b/c he WOULDN'T sit down to pee and so splashed all over the place. Did hubby do one single solitary thing to help me? NO, he did not. Sat on the sofa and gagged as I debrided the wound. Stood outside the bathroom and gagged as I bleached the toilet area.
And complained mightily if I didn't fix something for dinner that he felt was "nutritious enough" for his dad.
And dad was not a difficult man to deal with, he was simply old and dying.

You have 3 months. You can find other housing. Personally, I think this sounds like an awful idea for all the people involved. Good Luck---
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Do not do it! Have your husband read the posts on this site what is involved taking care of her. If she is not incontinent now, she will be - is he willing to change her and clean up accidents??!! There is a great risk of falling with pets running around too so it is for her safety as well.
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Do not allow this to happen ...I am in this situation & not by my own choice our silly culture thinks putting parents in a home is not right their children should look after them...My marriage is changed I am totally drained out feel like I have no right in my own home..MIL has a very wicked & mean manner & has become very comfortable in my home..Please put your foot down & do not allow this think about yourself & no this does not make you selfish we only live 1 life live it like you wish. Easy for these husbands to allow this when its their parents but they have no part in looking after them!!!
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You might want to also read all the great answers to this question posed a couple of weeks ago:
"My husband is considering having our family move in with his mother, who has dementia. Any advice?"
A difficult situation some of us have already experienced. All the best!
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Don't. My advice is don't. I have done this with my own mother. Please look for another solution that you all can live with.
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If you feel trapped already, you have no idea what it will be like when she moves in. You absolutely must not do this! It will not only make you crazy, it will destroy your relationship with your husband not to mention the relationship with your MIL! You will resent her even if you have had a good relationship previously. You will not be able to go anywhere unless you make arrangements for someone to take care of her. You will have to make sure there is always food for three meals a day and be there to fix it for her. You probably eat out a lot now since you don't have children. So you can forget that, too! As she gets worse, you duties will get worse. Just think changing her clothes, cleaning her up because it will get to that point. And don't think that because she is 90, she won't be here much longer. My mother lived to 97 and my two sisters and I took care of her in her home. Three days at a time each with sitters part time during the day. We spent the nights. This went on for 8 years. As soon as she died, my mother in law broke her hip and has been in the nursing home for a year. She was already dependent on us for everything even though she still lived in her own home. She is 98 and has nothing really physically wrong with her. She has dementia and refused to do rehab after the fall so she can't walk. Now she complains because she has to sit so much. My husband feels the need to go see her every day. It is 10 miles--not that far, but takes a chunk out of the day if you stay an hour or so. I went along with it for a while, but it was stressing me out. He wanted to go right after lunch so whatever I wanted to do, I had to be home by then or go later. Never had more than three hours at a time to shop, clean house or do my hobbies and church work. I finally said I was not doing it any more. I still go three or four days with him, which is still too much. I try to tell him he is killing himself. I know he is depressed because he doesn't want to do anything fun any more. Lately,I'm just go on about my business and hope and pray he will wake up before it's too late for us. Didn't mean to go into all my problems--just wanted to give you a picture of what you are getting into. Run for your life!
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My husband too, just assumed that his mother (87) would come live here. She doesn't have dementia and nothing fatal/terminal, but a host of chronic medical conditions. She fails to manage on her own.

I said no. Absolutely not. She isn't my mother, I am not going to be a f/t caretaker to the situation. MIL has little to no resources to hire in home caregivers and has shown a strong thread of *it's going to be my way* and failure to see that it can't always be "your way", not when you are so dependent upon others as to your well being. Sometimes you have to compromise and allow others to assist. She failed to do that, consistently.

And I'm supposed to take "that situation" under my roof and become f/t caretaker. No, absolutely not.

And I meant it. Still do.

IMO .. it takes a special person with a heart as big as TX and patience of Job and selfless *long-term* sacrificial demeanor, to take this on. Truly, through and through.

I would love to know more of your story of "how" this has come to pass that your husband just announces that he's bringing his aged mother in, for care.

Surely there is some allowance for input/dialogue, between the two of you.
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Not at all. That is a feeling many share. Is your husband an ONLY child? Did you both talk about this? If not do not do it and call "A Place for Mom" or somewhere else and investigate nice places for your MIL. My MIL really did a number on my marriage, she still does and even though she has 2 other children all they care about is how much they get when she dies. 
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Don’t accept her in your home..put her in ALF. Or tell hubby to stay home & you go to work
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My 90 year old MIL did come to my house after being in the NH after 2 falls landing on her face. My husband and I had talked about her maybe coming to our house instead of back home. Now we have been married 33 years and at the NH his mom was crying and he just popped out come home with us mom. I about passed out but I loved her. We got in the truck after leaving NH and he said I'm so sorry It just popped out. That was okay we brought her home with us. We have no pets inside and our children have grown up. We had a extra bathroom and bedroom area with t.v. just for her. She lived for about 1 1/2 months here and then hospice was called. She was full of infection and kidneys failing. Then it was round the clock care with the morphine and other drugs and we had a whole village here of family helping. Would I do it again? For her yes. It was not very long and we are so glad we did this. However, my mother is 84 and has moderate dementia. She is staying at HER house with care. Dementia is a whole other ballgame. Also, My MIL and I traveled together through the years and we loved each other. That does not mean in 1 1/2 years I have forgotten the Smells, The Sorrow, The Anger, or anything else that comes with full time care in your own home. Even under the very best circumstances it is very trying. I also can honestly say I would have never made it for many months let alone years like many on here. I am not a Saint. I'm also laughing right now because the door to that bedroom and bathroom are closed! Please have a Frank discussion with your hubby!
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Sit down with hubby now and have a long talk.

Make a plan..in writing. What days he will cover. What evening hours he will cover. Put this in writing because he will try to weasel out of it.

This is no something that you should even consider doing alone! You need to have at least 6 hours a day of in-home agency caregiver.... 5 days a week, with hubby doing the other 2 days. Believe me, you will no be able to cope with her all day every day by yourself.

I believe, between the expense of care givers and hubby having to do 2 days and part of every night...he will find a new solution within 3 months!

This is not something you can do and remain sane!
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You already feel like you are spiraling out of control and it will not get better. YOUR health matters greatly and I assume you are young since MIL is 90. You also need to see a therapist to help you manage your emotions and learn to set boundaries. We have no idea from what you wrote why you and husband decided on this route but listen to the others. Do not move her there. Even if she lives in a facility your marriage and your lives will still be affected but not at the same level if she lives with you. Caregiving is VERY hard work and it is not fair that hubby works while pawning it off on you. He needs to be awakened to the realities. Please write us back and tell us you are taking the helpful advice offered here
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Mia Please please read the posts on This site. At least you have 3 months to come up with an alternate plan.  My parents moved in with my husband & I - mother had dementia and dad is totally blind. Mom died 3 yrs ago. She was a wonderful caring mom. Dad is not wonderful & caring. It definitely changed my family life. Definitely. Most of our plans have changed or on hold. I can go on about how YOUR life will change but after all these posts I think you can imagine. Have your husband read what you wrote and all the responses. I, as well others on this forum, would like to know what you AND your husband have decided to do. Before my parents moved in I went to my doctor and told her I needed meds to cope with this. I've upped my meds twice since mom died. I hope for the best for you Mia. God Bless you.
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I would start by saying "Just don't let her move in" It will become a living h*ll for all three of you.
MIL will not like the disruption caused by your animals especially the constant barking. I am afraid that would drive me potty. Then there is the danger of her tripping over one of them and breaking a hip or something.
What has happened that she can't continuy to live in her current accommodation.

Dementia is a terrible disease and it affects different people at different speeds and degrees.
One week she can seem fine,fairly sociable and easy to take care of but the following week she may be peeing in the flower  pots, imagining the neighbors are trying to set the house on fire. If she likes animals she will feed yours unealthy foods. She may raid the fridge at all hours of the night,eating whatever is for next days dinner, even eating a whole box of ice cream or you will discover it hidden in her closet days later. She may refuse her medications, not shower and wear filthy clothes.

Read some of the posts on this site to get an idea how things work out. maybe a few elderly loved ones are sweet and kind and never argue. But the caregivers for these people never tell their stories. All we hear are tales of lives ruined, marrieges destroyed, disappearance of friends and family, only to return like vultures in the last weeks of life to collect anything they can get their hands on.
Just say "No" you have an equal say in the decision to let MIL move in. You clearly don't want MIL in the house and neither you or hubby have no idea of how things are like to go.

Just read through a few of the post
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You suffer with anxiety and depression.....that could really be problematic when living in the house with someone who has dementia. I'd discuss your plans with your doctor and see what he thinks. Have you or your husband read much about how dementia presents itself? It's very involved and not just forgetting things. It's quite encompassing. I'd explore just how much so and discuss the details with your husband. Like, if she's up all night wandering around the house, who would stay up and supervise her? And if she becomes incontinent, which is likely, who will change her diapers and clean her up? I'd make sure that you and husband have a clear understanding of what the duties will progress to and who will perform them.
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How many years have you been married?
Do you have kids or are you planning on having children?
Do you work outside of the house?

You have time to figure out what your life is going to look like on January 1 because she is not your mother. If your husband made this huge decision without you and is trying to force you to accept it, you have insight into what your married life will be like as long as your MIL is alive. And remember that there always are challenges in life and therefore in marriage. It is how a married couple come together to solve problems that determines whether or not their marriage is successful.

What about your family besides your sister and nephew? Where are your parents? Do they need your time and attention?

It will be best for everyone involved - you, your husband, and his mother - to be proactive and put a plan together with the help of a geriatric care manager this month. You can help your husband by finding a geriatric care manager but then he needs to take responsibility for his mother and for his marriage. Caregiving must work for everybody involved. And that includes you. If your husband doesn't see it like that, then you have a much, much bigger problem to solve.
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Barb, that's excellent insight and analysis, and I thank you sincerely for sharing that observation. It's soooooo true.

Mia, that can happen when neither the patient or family are consulted. I've read numerous times on this forum that a doctor or someone else told the family the patient can't live alone. In my experience, this often seems to be automatic, w/o even asking the family what resources are available for increased support.

At one ER visit either last year or the year before, one of the staff in the ER decided Dad couldn't go home alone. He wasn't dressed in medical garb; I'm not even sure if he was a medical professional or a social worker or what. For all I know he might have been a scout for an AL facility.

And I just happened to overhear him telling another staffer that he was starting to look for a placement for my father, WITHOUT ever having discussed this with Dad or me. Of course, I was livid, but kept my control and let him waste his time until he came in Dad's ER room later, when I set him straight.

I'm not saying that everyone can stay at home; what I'm saying is that it's a joint decision with family input mandatory. Doctors make decisions, expect the family to implement them, but often don't probe into financial or other critical issues.

And husbands can make decisions w/o consulting the wife, who often gets stuck with caring for the husband's parents.
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