My mother has 9 children..we recently put her in assisted living as she is no longer able to take care of herself.shes been widowed for 35 years..the facility seems great..nurses are friendly,they have 2 or 3 activities a day..mom's not aggressive she socialize with other residents..here's the problem..when you go see her or talk to her she just wants to go home or says she hates it there..says she just sits in her room all day long..which just isn't the case..now some of the siblings are buying into this and want to take her out of there and let her move in her 86 year old sister..her mind is fine but her health is questionable..I'm dead set against this as i feel no way she can handle this let along be safe..any suggestions would be greatly appreciated
1) Was she left for a week or two on her own to get used to AL, as is usually recommended? If it didn’t happen originally, how about trying now?
2) What does her 86 year old sister think about this? Who is going to cope with both of them?
3) Are the siblings who ‘are buying into this’ willing to do all the care?
4) Are you being expected to help care for her if she moves out? Have you made it clear to M and to the siblings that you won’t do it? Have the other sibling who are NOT ‘buying into this’ made it clear that they won’t do it either?
5) If some of the ‘buying’ siblings are male, have you checked with their wives – who the boys probably expect to do the work?
6) Does M realise that she won't be 'going home'? She will be playing second fiddle in her sister's house?
Good luck!
So listen to her please. Tell her you recognize how hard all these losses are. Tell her you wish she could safely and happily be once again at home, washing, cooking, driving out to see friends. But that she cannot do those things any more and needs more care. Let her know you she is heard. That's the best you can do.
Your mom has had many lives lived in her long life. Trust me, this isn't the FIRST time she was unhappy. It's only the first time you felt grief you want to morph into guilt. It is only the first time you felt responsible to make her happy. And you aren't. You can't be. Much as you wish you were a god or a saint, you aren't, you are just a grieving daughter standing witness to the losses of aging for someone you love.
If you have to get help with your own pain in this transition, then seek a good cognitive therapist. You won't need more than a few sessions. I am so sorry for the grief and loss for you BOTH. Trust me. I feel this pain, and see it coming, and much as we --most of us--hope to beat it to our grave before it's upon us, most of us given todays medicines, won't. This will be what is coming for us, faster than we can imagine.
Please take good care of yourself. Talk with family. All your mother is enduring is in the normal course of things, much as it stings. She brings it to you because she feels she CAN. But this is where we end, most of us. As my bro said "We sit out in the gazebo, talk about our aches and pains and watch the ambulances and hearses come and go." Then he giggled. He made "light" of it. But it is clear to me what he was saying. I have always been 7 years behind him and it is creeping up with great speed now.
We moved my mother to memory care a year ago (minus less than two weeks!) and she still talks about her plans to go home. In her case home was where she was happiest and she actually still owns the house. Neither my brother nor I live within two thousand miles of the house and it is in an area where there are few resources. It took me years to find someone to help her around the house once a week. Even though she has been closer to me and living in IL (eventually with in home help) for a couple of years she has forgotten that time so the move to memory care a few towns away from me feels like an extreme change for her.
She also says that all she does in MC is sleep and eat. She actually participates in many of the activities but doesn’t remember them. The important thing is that she enjoys them in the moment. She also has made friends though she doesn’t remember that either.
She is doing so much better there than she was in IL.
Even though she speaks of all those issues she has also told me several times that she is happy there. The last time she even said it was a good place for her out of the blue!
I only have one brother who lives far enough away that he doesn’t see her daily life but he has learned not to worry about her complaints, I think in part because he has talked with the staff and doesn’t have to just take my word for it. I also send him photos of her many activities and she always has a smile on her face which I think helps a lot.
My mother’s sister is just a year younger her than she is and she just moved from IL to AL. She doesn’t have dementia but I don’t think anyone in either family would ever have felt having her take my mother in would be a good idea, at any stage. Ok, my mother would refuse to move in with her anyway but, even if she was willing, at their age it would not be realistic. No matter how well your aunt is doing right now she is at an age where that can change at any time and where would both of them be then?
Perhaps giving your siblings proof that things aren’t what your mother says it might help. I really think the photos I sent to my brother helped as did his talks with the staff. The staff may also have, or be able to start taking, things like photos to support you. I have sent my brother copies of the internal newsletter which often shows my mother at events I didn’t know about. If she has craft products she has made perhaps send photos of those, ideally with photos of her creating them. If there are things she has made but she no longer wants maybe send those to your siblings rather than let them be thrown out. My mother is planning to toss two paintings that she has made and I am hoping to save them for myself! If you can provide proof that contradicts her words they may start to realize what is going on. Maybe put together a digital newsletter with photos and descriptions that you can send to them to keep them updated?
I wish you luck!