86 yr old mom told us she had dementia and Parkinson’s so we worked together with her to create a care plan. With her involvement and consent every step of the way, a m month ago we moved her to a senior living community close to us and she arranged for an estate sale and made arrangements to sell her home and car.
my 26 yr old daughter bought her car in cash for a price my mother set from kelly blue book.
since moving into her new apartment, she claimed to love, she has quit cold turkey her 13 daily meds and has turned on us, accusing us of kidnapping her, cheating her out of her car, and trying to sell her house out from under her. She has made multiple calls to friends and random numbers to tell them these things. When I told her we have texts that show her active collaboration and agreement, she claims her phone is hacked and being used to text me those conversations from her number.
i do not have - nor do I want - POA or access to her finances. She has signed all contracts on her own. I have paid everything out of pocket since she decided to move up here, around $10k so far.
she is threatening elder abuse and although I have clear evidence that shows her agreement, I would like to avoid court time and costs.
do I file a cease and desist? What does one do in this situation? She has told her neighbors not to give me access to her house. I do not have any reason to drive three hours and go to her house.
I believe she needs an assessment to check out the effects of going off her meds cold turkey and also a mental health assessment.
side note: she saw a new neurologist last week who said she has zero dementia and zero Parkinson’s. Were used to her being a hypochondriac, but she is using this news to say we’ve been holding her captive and she is perfectly healthy.
she cancelled her 90 day lease today at her senior housing place, and claims I am responsible for the 90 day financial obligation since I took her against her will. All false.
what do people do in this situation. I have chosen to step back as main caregiver since she is targeting me.
It's good that you do not have POA for her because that would be a nightmare. Your best bet is to call APS (Adult Protective Services) and tell them she was lucid (with medical documentation to prove it) up until recently when she stopped taking her meds. Tell them about her paranoid and reckless behavior and ask them to visit her. Also, ask the local police to do regular wellness checks on her. They will.
Your mother is clearly out of it and belongs in assisted living or memory care. An independent senior community is not suitable for her anymore. Speak to the police and to APS.
Stop paying for her, sort and save your evidence, and know you tried your best.
My husband's mom told him she was going to report him for elder abuse because he told her she needed to stop smoking (she had COPD).
He gave her back the keys to her apartment and said "have a nice life, Mom."
Stepping away may be the best thing if you are a trigger.
You can also call your mother’s County Agency of Aging . Tell them she’s not taking meds etc , a drastic change is noted .
If you aren't her PoA then how did you learn this information? If she told you, then please consider the source.
Take the good advice others have given you -- especially to attempt to get her checked for a UTI.
This sounds like the paranoia and sundowning episodes that comes with this horrible disease. She could benefit from drug therapy to help calm this behavior, but it will not help with the disease progression.
Unfortunately, it's not anything the health care setting she is currently living can force her to take meds due to her patient's rights. She has the right to refuse care. This extends to medications as well. (Pardon this statement) I thought she was living in a facility. I'm going to leave this here in case someone needs to hear this.
I think with the majority of us, we get into the bargaining stage dealing with a loved ones illness. Maybe, if I pay this one bill, it will get better or if I do this, this will happen. It never works. We are only spending time, energy and resources we need for ourselves.
As for the feelings of guilt, just remember, you did your best with this situation. Now it is time to step back from it.
From what I've read from your post, I've heard it all before myself from clients who either got angry at their relatives or with me while trying to care for them. I've been threatened with the police before, and I handed the client the phone to call them. She didn't call. The woman should have been in some sort of care facility, but decided to age in place within her own home. She didn't have any children, but she had a nephew who she had bugged to bring her meals on the weekend. She had called and cancelled her weekend service with the agency.
It is an ongoing battle with these situations. However, the battle is with our mindset in determining when enough is enough.
She definitely needs more help than a senior community it sounds like. If you are not POA & didn’t sign anything, then you are not responsible for the cost of her canceling. They would have to come after her for the money.
I’m not sure the best way to get her help, but definitely get with the attorney to cover yourself & to get ideas on knowing how you can help her
You say she's been a hypochondriac.
It sounds like she does indeed have some dementia, or at least some mental condition which is exacerbated by stopping her medication.
If she has dementia or lacks the mental capacity to make reasonable decisions, then she should not be making any financial decisions or signing or withdrawing any contracts! If not you, someone should be assigned as POA for her!
Filing a cease and desist will do you no good for someone with dementia.
There is no reasoning with someone with dementia. It sounds like you are frustrating yourself trying to reason with her.
You are right to want a medical and mental health assessment for her. Again, you, or someone, would need medical POA to force that.
DO NOT sign any financial obligation to the senior housing community!
Stepping back is a good idea. Unless you are prepared to take over as POA, there is not much you can do to remedy any of these things you and she are going through. Allow her to fail at managing her own life, and at some point APS can be called and will get legal guardianship set up for her. It will be a stranger, not family, and you will have no control over what happens to her.
Get a social worker..they are there for the elderly & they can help.
My mom's primary care provider is in an aging medical center.
They provide everything for Seniors.
A social worker there met with us on her last appointment and the young lady & I are in communication with anything I need & any questions I have.
If your mom is belligerent like that..& not taking her meds you can call paramedics to get her to the hospital.. let 911 know she does have decline & has NOT been taking her meds & you're afraid her health is in jeopardy... and she's having some breakdown.
Then, at the hospital, tell the doctors what's going on with her and you can tell them upon her release that she doesn't have anywhere to go...& maybe they will send her to a facility.. maybe long term care or some nursing facility. You gotta step back because she's doing and saying things that can ruin you or have you under investigation.
Get her medical team, social worker, elder attorney..everybody involved and updated with the things she's doing and saying. Record her especially when she's wigging out so you'll have proof of her behavior and accusations. And you'll also have it if you decide to get guardianship. You might need it to show the Judge!
You have to protect yourself.
And you have to not let her drag you to hell.
Eventually she'll land wherever she needs to be and in the meantime, take care of yourself first and don't look back.
Never use another penny of your own money.
Then . . .
You learn to understand this is dementia.
You get all the legal needs in place ASAP.
You get medical documentation that she has dementia and/or hallucinations (for legal purposes).
As you learn what dementia is, you learn to distance yourself emotionally and psychologically from her behavior ... knowing she cannot help it and that she is like a frightened child.
And you stepping back to regroup is helpful to you.
These situations are DIFFICULT and VERY HARD for the family to deal with - you do the best you can.
Realize she doesn't mean what she says. She is 'trying' to preserve her independence as she understands it. She is scared of losing - herself - her brain - her life. You relate to her through / with compassionate presence. Compassion will help you shift out of feeling attacked. Along with taking breaks / shifting your attention to taking care of yourself. Respites are absolutely necessary. And, do study dementia (TEEPA SNOW) - watch her webinars and You Tubes.
"Don't take it personally" is SO SO easy to say and it takes a village to actually do that. Educate yourself. Shift into compassion - for yourself and your mom.
This is what I would / did do. Gena
Teepa Snow is basically useless. Her advice and techniques work in theory, not in practice. They could work in practice if the person with dementia has a staff of skilled, experienced caregivers with unlimited patience who can devote their entire existence to the care and comfort of the person with dementia. Since this isn't possible for about 99.9% of the population, they must use other channels. Like letting APS handle a situation. Like letting the court appoint a conservator/guardian who will manage the decisions for the person. The OP is fortunate not to have POA and should not try to get it. The mother is in a senior community now and should be moved a care facility appropriate for her needs.
There is no reasoning with this kind of behavior as you know. 'Compassionate Presence' will only make it worse in this situation and make more undue stress and misery on the OP. If the mother has turned on Emonette, then she should take a huge step back and let APS handle it. Though MACinCT made a good suggestion that the mother's doctor should be informed that she has stopped taking her medications and to ask after some kind of written documentation.
The OP has spent enough and done enough for the mother. There has to come a time when enough is enough and from what the OP has said, that time now.
To call her teachings 'useless' may be true in this situation. I don't know.
Dealing with these issues isn't cookie-cutter.
It appears clear to me that this person has hallucination or some mental illness.
And, likely there were signs along the way. Often we see them in retrospect.
Blaming and/or accusing others of stealing and wrong doing is classic behavior.
I, too, would step back from this situation, especially if someone threatened me with elder abuse. And, I encourage folks to understand brain chemistry changes - to protect themselves as well as provide the best care for the person inflicted, even if that means leaving the situation for others to manage.
Gena / Touch Matters