My mom has lived on her own for the past 29 years since my father passed away. Over the past 5+ years she's let her house go. No cleaning, no maintenance on her home, ordering non stop from HSN, QVC and JTV that you cannot walk through her house because of the boxes, not opening her mail, not doing laundry, and only using wipes to wash herself.
She is now wearing Depends and has wet herself continuously but doesn't see that she needs to immediately change her wet clothes. She lets garbage pile up and let's food go bad in her fridge. I have spent so much time unboxing all her ordered items that I can't even return because she's let months go by without opening them. I ask her if you don't open them immediately then why are you continuing to order items you don't seem to need.
She goes to the grocery store every Sunday because she thinks she needs food when she already has food and doesn't realize she doesn't need anymore. I have thrown away so much spoiled food from her refrigerator. She says she buys fresh produce because she has a taste for something that she used to cook but she has not cooked in at least the past 1.5 years.
She stays up late, wakes up past 3pm and watches TV all day. She has diabetes but doesn't like to take her blood sugar levels daily because she doesn't like to prick her finger.
We've seen her doctor and I feel like the doctor isn't being firm with her that my mom needs to change her habits.
I've been asking her to move close to me in a 1 story apartment home so I can walk to her daily and check in on her. Otherwise she's 40 minutes away. She doesn't want to because she thinks rent is too expensive. I live in a 3 story townhome and she can't really do stairs any longer but she insists that she can and that she should move in with me and my husband.
I am an only child and am frustrated that she's being stubborn and won't change her habits. Any suggestions?
Your mom is a hoarder. This is a mental illness and it is not easy to simply clean up..
Do not move her into your home.
Contact APS and report a Vulnerable Senior.
Other than that you can not do much. If she is cognizant these are her choices.
What might happen is that she will have some injury that will result in Hospitalization. At that point you can step in and say that she is not safe at home. There is no one that is able to help her. And to discharge her to home is unsafe.
I urge you not to take responsibility for her.
If, after all the state intervention (and I suggest you let the state, not you yourself, take guardianship for your mother; it is impossible to act for an uncooperative senior) you mother is judged to be competent, then step away. Whether she dies in this hoard or in a nursing home, hating every second of her time there is at this point of little importance. She has had her life and is close to the end of it. If she is competent, then choosing to die as she has lived rather than feeling incarcerated in a nursing home? Her decision. Leave emergency call numbers at her side. You will eventually be called by either a hospital where she has landed, or by a coroner. There is nothing other you can really do here.
Even if you are her PoA, unless it is durable (active the moment it is signed), then you will still need to convince her to go to the doctor for a cognitive exam to activate your authority. I'm betting money this will not happen, either.
And, even if you are her Durable PoA, it is still very difficult to get a resistant adult to do something they are adamantly opposed to and will physically refuse to cooperate. She can't do it, she is sick.
So, call APS to report her as a vulnerable adult and let them do the heavy lifting. You may have to report her more than once. And, it may make her angry. But really you don't have many other solutions right now.
Another strategy is to call 911 and tell them she's not herself and may have an untreated UTI and is not cooperating with help. Take pictures of the inside of her unsanity, unsafe hoarded home when she's not there. If the EMTs can get her to the ER, then talk to the discharge planner and show them the pictures and tell them she is an "unsafe discharge" and that she is rejecting your intervention. Then ask to talk to a hospital social worker and explain the situation to see if she can be transitioned directly into a facility (and show them the pictures, too). Your Mom may act cognitively well enough to evade this strategy but it is worth the effort. The hospital will relentlessly attempt to get you to take her back to either her home or yours -- do NOT do this. The answer is just No, I can't do this. They will offer "help" but they are lying because they want her discharged. Do not drive her home or you may regret it. It won't be easy but what will come later may be worse for the both of you.
She may actually have a UTI or some other medical condition that is causing her cognitive symptoms. Or, going to her primary doctor or at the ER may start to get her depression treated. But you won't be convincing her of anything so save your energy for other solutions, which are not you.
I wish you success in finding better care for your Mom that doesn't upend your own life.
Does she have a primary care doctor? Could you share your concerns with him/her and arrange a check up (which you also attend) with the goal of diagnosis and insistence on assisted living or SNF?
Are you on her checking account, credit cards, etc? Does she file taxes and pay her own bills?
Sooner or later she is going to have some kind of crisis. A fall, a diabetic crash, a stroke, some kind of home accident. If all else fails, this will be the point where she goes to the hospital and you tell them “unsafe discharge” and then arrange for her to go from either hospital or rehab directly to assisted living or SNF.
I agree with others that there should be no possibility or discussion of her moving in with you. That’s not an option I would entertain under any circumstances.
good luck!!
What you can do is report her to Adult Protective Services and let them take charge of her with whatever legal ability they have where she lives. As Margaret said, don't clean up before they go to assess her.
Since she has a house and enough money to excessively impulse shop, they can appoint her a guardian who will be legally able to get her placed in a senior AL or MC where she will be safer. For example her doctor can prescribe a continuous glucose monitor and then the staff will do the readings.
It's very kind of you to want to solve this for her, but her mental state is beyond persuasion. She needs someone with legal authority to intervene.
1) Do you have a Power of Attorney of any other control to use, or could you arrange one.
2) Let her situation get as bad as you can for a short period (bad food in the fridge, rubbish everywhere etc), then make an anonymous call to APS to ask them to assess her.
3) Make it very clear that she is NOT moving in with you. Take her to visit Assisted Living places, and ask what other plans she has.
4) Get your husband to tell her firmly that she is not ever going to move in with you and him. She may take more notice of him – M’s think they can control daughters.
5) Make sure that she has arranged a HIPPA so that you can talk to her doctor. After the APS assessment tell the doctor the bad news – he may take more notice. If he doesn’t, consider taking her to a different doctor, perhaps presented as a specialist.
6) Consider backing off all the support you do, so that her illusion of ‘independence’ falls over.
Sympathy and best wishes in a difficult situation that has even more difficult ways to deal with it. Yours, Margaret