My mom can barley get around she has walker and continues to drink. I told her if she continues I will not be around to help because she will fall again: any suggestions?
Yes Elaine I would love your weight and height. I was close to it but have lost a couple of inches and I am trying to get to that weight but it is so difficult and i really watch what I eat. I more or less have to starve which I can only manage if massively depressed and despite a really difficult year of medical issues I am somewhat content.
Elaine, er, at 5'9" and 140 your BMI is 20 which is considered LOW for a woman (but in the healthy range)! Your mother is totally off base with such a foul remark to you about being fat! Disgusting.
Lealonnie WOW!!! That is amazing!!! Your mother had NO addictions!!! That’s incredible!!! So glad you have your beast in your cage!! I love that analogy!!! I know I smoked cigarettes to keep my weight under control. I am 5’9” 135 pounds and that was alway a comfortable weight for me when I smoked. That was then. Now I weigh 140 pounds and my mother thinks I’m fat. She always makes a reference to when I was thin. Yeah, I only weigh 5 pounds more now. She doesn’t know I even smoked. I never told her. She would have just screamed so I never smoked in front of her.
Roxylou do you live with your mom or does she live by herself? Either way the answer is the same. You can’t stop her. You can’t help her. You need to help yourself. Don’t help her and don’t intervene.
Elaine, the strange thing is, my mother never developed ANY addictions (she just caused others to develop them!) herself!! I find that to be incredibly UNBELIEVABLE, considering her level of hatred towards her mother and my father!! She was constantly angry (and still is, actually), yet managed to maintain 135 lb figure, never smoke, drink, took drugs, gambled or over-spent!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anxiety and OCD is through the ROOF, too! Yet no addictions for her, even at 93! AH-MAZHING isn't it? I have not spent ONE DAY OF MY LIFE where I haven't struggled keeping the beast in its cage, and I'll be 63 in July. Sigh.
Lealonnie, yes you are right!! She only drinks to replace the gambling and to calm down her racing thoughts. I know what it’s like. I took a swig if NyQuil the other night to calm my racing thoughts!!! The only addiction I had was cigarette smoking. I quit 25 years ago. I rarely drink, it gives me a headache. I don’t gamble at all, and I only tried drugs a couple of times as a teenager. I still can’t believe I don’t have a million addictions because of my parents!!! I know my mother started gambling out of boredom and she was alway mad at my father and gambled our of spite. Instead of going window shopping when I was a child when she was mad at my dad, she turned to gambling. She NEVER wanted to face any problems her whole life!!
Elaine: the nature of addiction is that we replace one for another. The addict's mind works that way; it HAS to have something to occupy/distract the racing brain and calm it down. I feel very strongly that most of us developed addictions precisely TO calm a racing mind and to shut out unpleasant thoughts. I remember the very first time I had a drink I was 13 years old at a neighborhood block party. They had a keg of beer. My father had to CARRY me home, I was that drunk! From there on in I had a dysfunctional relationship with booze until I had to give it up entirely. Same thing with cigarettes, food, shopping, etc. I just traded one thing for another my whole life. I never got addicted to drugs or gambling, though........so that's something, right? :)
Your mother is probably not an 'alcoholic', just using booze as a sleep aid to calm HER racing mind, right?
Cwillie, the OP did just a little while ago say it is a lifelong problem. She has problems because of it. Falling down drunk, gout attacks. That is very hard to control unless they go to AA and stop drinking all together. My mother is probably not an alcoholic. She just started drinking 3 years ago at 92 and only drinks before going to bed. She said to knock her out so she can sleep and stop all the thoughts from going through her head the minute she lays down.
I don’t know if my mother is an alcoholic or not. She just has to replace one addiction with another. She drinks a little whiskey or a white Zinfandel before bedtime. She NEVER drank until 3 years ago. My father was an alcoholic and she always tried to get him to stop. He never did. When my mothers car died 3 years ago she could drive anymore so she couldn’t gamble everyday and spend every last dime. Now THAT was an addiction!!! Spending her whole retirement savings. But she drinks everyday because she can’t run out and gamble everyday anymore. The booze takes its place. I meant to say she couldn’t drive anymore.
I work in a Memory Care home & we have several alcoholics (one in her 60's) who now have alcoholic dementia or Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome as a result of excessive intake of alcohol. There's really nothing you can do about your mother's alcoholism until it renders HER incompetent due to dementia, or causes her to fall and hurt herself badly. At that time, the hospital would send her to rehab who may refuse to release her back to independent living. You'd then have to get her placed into a facility since she's obviously unable to care for herself. But like Elaine1962 said, you can't save a person from herself; especially an addict. They WILL find a way to get their drug of choice, with or without your help.
She has been drinking my whole life. She had to have surgery on her knee because she was drunk and tried to get up From sitting position on the floor, she has experienced many gout attacks and oh yes emergency room from time to time. For my own sanity if she wants any more help from me it’s either the booze or me. It’s just a matter of time before we have a catastrophe event once again. I am done with her and dishonesty. I have offered to go to AA with no avail. The ball is in her court
From the provided information we do not know if this is a problem with alcoholism. It could very well be that a drink or two is enjoyed each day. Mom evidently does not have dementia if she can find her way to the store and back.
Stepdad, mid 80's, always enjoyed a couple of glasses on wine each night. I would buy a case of his favorite that would last about six weeks. Mom would have a half a glass each night. It did neither one harm. Why, just because they are elderly, should they have to give up things that they have enjoyed all their life. Heck, they could fall just getting out of bed, getting up from a sitting position or just looking in another direction.
Addicts will always find away to feed their addictions. It doesn’t matter if it is food addiction, drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. etc. anyone, any age, will find away to feed their addictions. Even if you don’t enable. Even if you throw the booze out, or the drugs, they will still find a way. That’s the power of addiction.
My mother is 95 years old, competent, drinks alcohol before going to bed every day, is a gambling addict, and a hoarder. I’m going through this now. I have to back off seeing her. I am told there is nothing you can do about it when they are competent. My mother was sent home by cab last week against my wishes. You can’t make an elderly adult stop anything. Don’t waste your time trying. I already did that. Now I back off. My mother had been in the hospital overnight last week. She has AFIB. The doctor said she’s competent and they can’t justify keeping her or placing her. That’s why I gave up trying. My mother barely walks and still manages to gamble and get her booze WITHOUT my help. She takes call a bus to take her to the grocery store. She buys her groceries,,gambles at the scratch off machine, and then takes the motorized shopping cart from the grocery store into the parking lot and down the parking lot to the liquor store next door. Then brings the liquor back in the motorized shopping cart back to the grocery and then waits for call a bus. Yes, she is a 95 year old genius that can barely walk and lives alone with minimal help from me. That’s how my mother gets the booze cwillie, .when there is a WILL there is a WAY cwillie
It isn't clear to me - is your mother drinking to excess, or are you contending with her that she should abstain from drinking anything alcoholic at all?
It might be obvious that somebody with mobility issues who is 85 and has already sustained a fall would be better advised not to take anything that will make her still more unsteady on her legs (not to mention impairing the quality of her sleep). But. People don't like being told what to do.
If your mother is drinking more than usual for her, or drinking all day, or - God forbid - drinking and then driving; and it seems that she couldn't stop even if she half-wanted to; then you'd better consult her doctors about it and take advice about addressing her dependency.
But if she's having a drink or two of an evening as has been her habit forever, and no more than that - say what needs to be said about the wisdom of it, and then hold your peace. The battle is just leading her to be secretive and causing conflict which won't help anything. She's an adult, she knows the risk, you've reinforced the message: from there, it's her decision.
We are all answering based on the assumption this is a lifelong problem, if it's not and she is drinking from grief or boredom or depression these are things that can be dealt with through a change of circumstances or medical treatment. Even then she needs to be open to making changes.
In many cases like this you wait and at some point there will be a fall that will place her in the hospital then rehab. She can not just stop drinking any more than you can stop breathing. If she would agree to rehab of alcohol dependency that might help. You might benefit from Al Anon they can give you information and support. But know you can not get an alcoholic to stop drinking unless and until they WANT to stop drinking. I would disable the car. You could inform the police of her routine and it they catch her on the road under the influence they can arrest her. (depending on how impaired she is with results of any testing)
You can anonymously report her as an unsafe driver online at her state's DMV. They will send out a letter requiring her to come in to take the eye or road test. If so do not take her to this appointment. Also, you can "borrow" her car and pretend it had mechanical problems and then don't return it, just tell her it's in the shop. She will probably still "walker" herself to the liquor store but at least she won't be driving a weapon.
If she is an alcoholic you know she can’t just quit, don’t you? It’s actually dangerous to do that. She needs medical supervision while stopping drinking.
Your answer was not clear to me. Are you saying she has access to unlimited funds with which to constantly buy alcohol? If you believe she could be driving under the influence could you alert police? I would venture to say many if not most alcoholics spend the bulk of their drinking time alone. Is she clever enough to drive while sober and then drink until she passes out and awakes to start the same day over? I think you need to find answers to her behavior in order to attempt to proceed. I would hate to think she might go out driving and hurt or kill someone else.
Roxylou, Does she have access to somewhat unlimited funds to continue to pay for alcohol? Do you think she ever drives while under the influence because if so you could likely alert local police?
Your mother is probably not an 'alcoholic', just using booze as a sleep aid to calm HER racing mind, right?
Wishing you the best of luck!
Stepdad, mid 80's, always enjoyed a couple of glasses on wine each night. I would buy a case of his favorite that would last about six weeks. Mom would have a half a glass each night. It did neither one harm. Why, just because they are elderly, should they have to give up things that they have enjoyed all their life. Heck, they could fall just getting out of bed, getting up from a sitting position or just looking in another direction.
It might be obvious that somebody with mobility issues who is 85 and has already sustained a fall would be better advised not to take anything that will make her still more unsteady on her legs (not to mention impairing the quality of her sleep). But. People don't like being told what to do.
If your mother is drinking more than usual for her, or drinking all day, or - God forbid - drinking and then driving; and it seems that she couldn't stop even if she half-wanted to; then you'd better consult her doctors about it and take advice about addressing her dependency.
But if she's having a drink or two of an evening as has been her habit forever, and no more than that - say what needs to be said about the wisdom of it, and then hold your peace. The battle is just leading her to be secretive and causing conflict which won't help anything. She's an adult, she knows the risk, you've reinforced the message: from there, it's her decision.
She can not just stop drinking any more than you can stop breathing.
If she would agree to rehab of alcohol dependency that might help. You might benefit from Al Anon they can give you information and support. But know you can not get an alcoholic to stop drinking unless and until they WANT to stop drinking.
I would disable the car.
You could inform the police of her routine and it they catch her on the road under the influence they can arrest her. (depending on how impaired she is with results of any testing)
BTW, if she can barely walk how is she getting the booze?