83-year-old mom got rid of 24/7 care to be on her own. Now she feels us kids should be there whenever she calls. How do I keep myself from feeling selfish?

I love "elevator music"..lol That is the perfect way to think of dealing with her. She starts complaining about a dirty microwave, que the music.lol

Oh wow! You are very insightful. My youngest bro the visits actually does a lot for her. He brings her food/rx whatever. Stays and "chats" with her. Takes out her trash and his wife usually does a load of laundry. My other bro is an atty 3 hours away. He has cases he is in the middle of right now, but he is her POA. He is a very fair, level headed man. My sis lives 8 mins away. She is "what ever moms wants to do, I don't care". A few months ago, before moms 4th fall, when I have been there the same time my sis visits, the kitchen would be piled with dishes. My sis doesn't feel like she needs to help mom unless mom directly asks her. Even with moldy dishes sitting there. I cried and told mom to please let me hire someone to help with keep the house clean. "NO!. It's my money and I don't want strangers in my house". She doesn't' call my siblings because they don't answer. I answer because if it was something bad, I could never live with myself for not answering the phone.
We kids were not raised in a family with boundaries. Meaning we were told how to feel and how to dress, yada yada. Even as an adult mom would take over conversations about me, right in front of me to other people. Talks about me as if I were still a child. She is a person the criticizes others very often, Even her own kids to her kids.
I don't think any of us were groomed to be her caregiver. But dad was her "boss" for 54 years. Then she became the "boss" of the family after he died.

It's not the cost at this point. She says she doesn't want them in her house because they broke her toilet seat, cabinet drawer and have dirtied up her microwave. And as she put it "I need my privacy back". And you are exactly right. She has not made plans for future help. I do like what you said. Who is going to help you? She has not left her house in almost 2 months. Her house is huge, it too big for one person. Dad built with hopes that all his kids and grand kids would have room to stay during the holidays. Sadly they don't want to be around each other so that never happened. I believe in God. And since I don't have a partner to talk with about this situation, I talk to God many times a day. Sometimes when I'm concentrating on painting a wedding cake, it all comes flooding in and I just start crying. I am not mad at mom. I am frustrated with the situation.

This isn't far from what my mom said the other day. "I can't afford for them to come any more" (she can).

"How are you going to get x, y, z done mom?" I asked.
Talk about a dropped jaw.

I was supposed to be the plan. Not so.

Oh my goodness, you made me cry! Yes, I am the oldest and closes. Ironically I was the wildest and the one that ran away a lot...lol. I actually spoke with mom about me moving in with her. She has a huge house that dad had built before he died. Its 100% paid in full. I design wedding cakes. She kitchen is bigger than mine. But I live, eat and breath my business. I cna not be interrupted when I'm working. She talks/complains a lot. My sister mentioned years ago that mom attitude was a reason she did not live in town. I guess so she would not feel obligated to visit. Noe my sister lives 8 minutes away and visits mom like every few weeks and calls her maybe once a week. I always joke, since all of "moms stuff" has happen and our family dynamics , reminds me of why I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope..lol. Thank goodness I learned better coping skills in rehab and AA. We were not raise to have coping skills and good decision making.

How did you get your mom to go look at AL? I have looked, in person, at a very nice place and they get their own little apartment. But no oven/stove. They are all inclusive and have a kitchen with fridge and micro, sept bathroom and Livingroom. Gourmet dining, a salon, pharmacy, all kinds of activities. I found out one of her previous best friends lives there. I mentioned to mom there is an open apt next to her. My parents where very best friends with the couple before the lady's husband died. Mom's response was "On lord , I would have to listen to her talk about her husband all the time" "Me-"But mom you loved her so much. Ya'll could cut up, get your hair done and have a screw driver at happy hour" YES the AL living has happy hour from 4-6, But there is a 2 drink max. Probably because they don't need a bunch of drunk senior with walkers "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It"..lol..

She does not understand how to use a cell phone. We have all tried. She has had 3 different phones and they are too confusing. She hits one wrong thing on her computer and its locked up. She has not been on it in 3 months. I can only imagine what that's like..lol. I don't think many older adults that grew up certain ways, even care about technology. To be honest, it's easier for me to order her groceries than have to teach her. I have tried to no avail.
The only reason she calls me is because I'm the closes and the only one the actually answers the phone. My siblings have to "save up energy" to talk to her. She has been a complainer/dooms day kind of person every since I can remember as a kid. She and dad were both extremely controlling as we were growing up. I have been thinking maybe because she feels she is losing full control over her life, she is trying to control everyone else. I feel sad for her, but I am not in a position to "save" her.

She has not. I feel she is slightly forgetful sometimes because she does nothing but watch tv and read the occasional magazine. She has been like this for a the last 2 years. She has no friends left, no hobbies and never leaves the house. She job in her whole life to was raise 4 kids and then take care of dad after he had his leg removed. I tried to get her to go see dad's grave with me on July 4th, his heaven birthday. She got ready and then said "You go without me" I figured it was because she might be sad.
I am taking her to a doc appt next Wed. I plan of mentioning a "mental" check. But I can tell you health wise, she is extremely healthy. She doesn't even have to take BP meds. I'm interested to see how that goes since her opinion of me changes hourly..lol. I am 18 years sober from drugs/drinking. I have some good, strong recovery time and experiences. I am bipolar and keep that in check. Our family is not close at all. So I guess that a part of "crickets'..lol

Oh yes, the work from home schedule.
Imagine this: "Well since you're working from home can't you work from here?" So the caregiver didn't have to come that day. Some days when I work from home I work til damn near 10pm. But to my mom that's not "really working it's more like a vacation."

If that's a vacation, please...

THIS! I am the only one of the 4 kids that calls her daily. I get it all. She "vomits" all her problems on me and then I relay those conversations back to my siblings. They do not tell me of any conversations they have had, so when I suggest maybe they could talk to her, I get an ear full from them saying they "do stuff". I remind them it's helpful if tell me and then all I get is "crickets"..days of "crickets". Now today, mom says maybe she does want her 3-11 shift. I told her, it's her money, so whatever she sees fit. We are very, very lucky dad took very good care of her before he died. She don't not have unlimited funds but she can afford to live in a nice AL place. Maybe I feel so invested because I call to say goodnight everyday. I really missed doing that when she was in the hospital. I love doing that. I really appreciate all of your responses. It helps to see things a little clearer.

I have looked at Indigo Hall. Its 6 minutes from me, so I could easily visit. That is where her best friend is living and has told her she likes it. I think we are just at the point of getting her comfortable with the idea. But she started crying saying she didn't want to leave her memories in the house. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack at the house. I told her we could keep everything she wanted and put it in a nice storage unit and we could take her to "visit" any time. She is pretty sharp in the fact that if she thinks you are using certain words to get her to do something, she will flat out tell you, "I know what you are trying to get me to do"...and she is usually correct. That what I don't think she had bad memory issues.

Her last fall was bad. Shad already fallen 2 other times. They actually did cat scan and mri. They were looking for stroke and brain injury. She no signs of any of those. Health wise, she is VERY healthy. Good BP, gets regular blood work. Just a healthy women. She has never been proactive in learning technology. She has made remarks about why do we have to have cell phones, remotes on Tv that kind of thing, for years. I tell her because that's the direction life is taking us. Come along or stay, it's your choice. She was doing word puzzles and that kind of thing for years. I think she has become depressed. I have mentioned to her about talking to someone and she says she doesn't "really think they help". Yet a few sentences later she tells me to talk to someone..lol.She actually "tricked" me a long time ago when were not getting along. She said Ill go to counseling with you. So we went once. The next visit she couldn't come, but told me to go ahead. The 3rd time she said she didn't need to go anymore, but that I did. So I kept going and told her since it was her idea she could pay for it..lol She has always been a passive/aggressive mother.

This exactly. When talking to a friend about how I wish my mom would go to an Assisted Living place - there's a beautiful one in our city, my friend looked at me, knowing all the things my husband and I do for her, and said, "She's already in one."

Yes! We raise our children to become independent adults.

Our parents are already supposed to be adults!