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We got her an "alert" thing she wears to stay safe on her own. She told me today, "With the caregivers gone, how am I going to get my paper? I'm afraid to walk outside." She is a widow and has had 3 bad falls. She uses her walker. I am the only one out of us 4 kids that has discussed assisted living and she is already butting heads with me. I am the "this is the truth, deal with it" kid of us. I am also a widow and own my own business. I take care of myself. My 2 brothers each live almost 3 hours away and my sister, well she doesn't approve of my approach. Mom calls me almost daily.


"Sharon something is wrong with my TV.


"Sharon, can you order me some groceries?"


"Sharon, I have a doctors appointment in 3 days can you take me?"


When I tell her I have appointments with clients she tells me, "I guess I'll get a stranger to help me." She raised a smart kid, she can't fool me with that lol. She doesn't call my other siblings. I call her every night just to see how her day was and to tell her I love her. I have empathy, but I can't just close up shop when I have clients that have already paid to pick something up. My younger brother  (50) actually drives up to Charleston from Beaufort once or twice a week to stop in and see mom. I guess I'm trying to make sure I am not being selfish. Sometimes I'm so busy with my business, I feel guilty if I'm not able to tend to her. I mean if it's something very urgent I run over. I live 6 minutes away.

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When I stopped doing some inconsequential things for my mother and started saying “Gee, that’s too bad.” she was shocked. She lived next door and would walk into my house at any hour, expecting me to immediately get out of bed, get out of the shower, stop cooking, stop helping my kids with a project, etc., to do her bidding.

I briefly hired PWS so I could guarantee myself 4 uninterrupted hours every other day but my mother blew her stack and tried blocking them from entering her house. Eventually she tried killing herself because I wouldn’t leave my husband and kids for her. That’s when we had her taken to the hospital and into a care home. She has dementia.

Being the person who expects her wants and needs fulfilled right now, with no regard for what others are doing, is selfish. Setting boundaries, such as completing your business with a client, is not selfish.

Stand firm with your boundaries.
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If you continue to do all these things for your mom you are enabling her ignoring the obvious, which is that she is now in danger alone and not liking it as well.

I would have the long hard sitdown talk with your Mom. Be very kind and very gentle but tell her that you cannot any longer be coming over to do all the things she requires of you, nor doing more than one check in call per day. That she will have to be able to be independent enough to do for herself or to hire help or to enter ALF.

My guess is that your Mom would love it. So many activities to keep them busy, and all the help and the chit chatting and not a thing to worry about.

But if you enable her she will never give it a try. You are going to have to practice a bit of tough love here, I think, and see if that helps.
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Same sort of boat. I couldn't come over yesterday (read: drop everything and come over and do this!) and boy did I get the scream down of a lifetime.

"Why do I always have to pay someone else to help me!" I was as calm and apologetic as I could be when I told her, "Life costs money. You choose to live in this house and it's beyond your upkeep and mine, so you're going to have to find people that can help you better than I can."

When she asks me about a suspicious email I ask her what it says and she screams at me, "I can't read it it's too small!" Basically if she could get me to do everything she would try and when I set boundaries, hard as it is, I get a verbal volcano on me.

I told her yesterday, "Why are you always so angry at me?" She just stared off into space. It isn't me. But, it won't be directed at me any longer.
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Charlestongirl Jul 10, 2023
THIS! I am the only one of the 4 kids that calls her daily. I get it all. She "vomits" all her problems on me and then I relay those conversations back to my siblings. They do not tell me of any conversations they have had, so when I suggest maybe they could talk to her, I get an ear full from them saying they "do stuff". I remind them it's helpful if tell me and then all I get is "crickets"..days of "crickets". Now today, mom says maybe she does want her 3-11 shift. I told her, it's her money, so whatever she sees fit. We are very, very lucky dad took very good care of her before he died. She don't not have unlimited funds but she can afford to live in a nice AL place. Maybe I feel so invested because I call to say goodnight everyday. I really missed doing that when she was in the hospital. I love doing that. I really appreciate all of your responses. It helps to see things a little clearer.
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"how am I going to get my paper?"

Or insert the task de jour...

I don't know Mom. What will you do?

Breathe. Pause. Wait. Imagine elevator music playing...

Mom will decide. Either do without or re-hire her aides.
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Charlestongirl Jul 10, 2023
I love "elevator music"..lol That is the perfect way to think of dealing with her. She starts complaining about a dirty microwave, que the music.lol
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“Mom, you really do need help, but remember, you fired the people who were helping you before.

It looks to me as though you might NEED them again. I NEED to keep my business afloat, and loving you dearly, I’ll help you rehire some nice people to do what you’re afraid to do.

I’ll come this Wednesday and we’ll make some phone calls……..”
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Burninout36 Jul 10, 2023
This isn't far from what my mom said the other day. "I can't afford for them to come any more" (she can).

"How are you going to get x, y, z done mom?" I asked.
Talk about a dropped jaw.

I was supposed to be the plan. Not so.
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I live in the Charleston area if you have any questions regarding facilities. My late mother was in 2 here. We relocated from NY around 2016. She was in an AL facility there.
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Charlestongirl Jul 10, 2023
I have looked at Indigo Hall. Its 6 minutes from me, so I could easily visit. That is where her best friend is living and has told her she likes it. I think we are just at the point of getting her comfortable with the idea. But she started crying saying she didn't want to leave her memories in the house. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack at the house. I told her we could keep everything she wanted and put it in a nice storage unit and we could take her to "visit" any time. She is pretty sharp in the fact that if she thinks you are using certain words to get her to do something, she will flat out tell you, "I know what you are trying to get me to do"...and she is usually correct. That what I don't think she had bad memory issues.
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I used to think co-dependancy was a mutual situation with two people needing things from the other. Then I met & heard of so many people's lives being invaded by relative's needs (or even neighbours sometimes). Was this co-dependancy too? No..

So I wondered.. what's a ONE sided co-dependant situation?
A ha! *Dependant*

A Social Worker I met summed it up so quickly & accurately. Was a shock to hear: Your relative is not living alone, independantly. Your relative is living alone, dependanly. Heavily dependant on family.

Once I saw it - any guilt to fix or personally keep propping up vanished. My next task was to back out. This allowed other help in.

Charlestongirl, how about your situation? Is it similar?
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Burninout36 Jul 11, 2023
This exactly. When talking to a friend about how I wish my mom would go to an Assisted Living place - there's a beautiful one in our city, my friend looked at me, knowing all the things my husband and I do for her, and said, "She's already in one."
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No you are not the selfish one. Your mother is. By letting her caregivers go she has decided to drive the bus. My advice is to tell her to start driving.

this really struck a chord with me because my mother is a control freak. You should be livid with her because her solution is for you to be doing it now. It’s time to speak up.
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No you are not selfish for letting your mom live with the consequences of HER ACTIONS.

Please reread the above sentence.

They want us to do everything for them because it is easier than having to figure it out on their own. My father would call me at work over his remote not working. This was a crisis! What was he going to do! What couldn't I come over right now and fix it for him (sadly my office was less than a half mile from his apt). Tell them it is for your father! When I did go over, I would try and show him how to reprogram his remote but he waved his hand and say it was easier if I did it. Sure for him it was but not me. I learned that all non-emergency issues would be dealt with on my every other Thursday visit to take him grocery shopping. Can't be bothered to help yourself, well then you get to wait until my regularly scheduled visit if you want me to do it.

Point out to your mother that she had someone to pick up her paper but she fired them, so what did she expect? You are not available to pick up the slack for her bad decisions.
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When my daughter went to university and I went to parent orientation, they told us to ask “what are you going to do about that?” when the kids called for help. Lol. I thought it was brilliant.

How am I going to get my paper? IDK, mom, what are you going to do about that?

You’re fine. Not selfish. You have to protect your business so you have income to save for your golden years. Carry on.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 11, 2023
Yes! We raise our children to become independent adults.

Our parents are already supposed to be adults!
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