80 year old father with Alcoholic Dementia in Assisted living.....question about his friends. Any help?

Daughter of alcoholic Dad here. I recommend Alanon. It really helped me.. The Three C-s, I did not cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.

The reality is it is easy to get alcohol in group homes and assisted livings even in facilities in which it is banned.

Is the friend calling him to go to lunch and if so is he/she also an alcoholic? Maybe the friend does not have a drinking problem. Contact them and ask them to go to avoid places that serve alcohol or get a promise that no alcohol will be served. If you can't trust this "friend", visitors can often arrange to have lunch with a resident in their dining hall. With an alcoholic, it's easier to pull hen's teeth than to trust. For you, if an incident happens, the AL may be calling you to find another place for him, that day.

"If in doubt communicate"..talk to your Dad about your concerns and fears of what will happen if he gets drunk again. You might consider asking him if he'd be willing to chat with an AA member . If you call Alcoholics Anonymous, AA will send a recovering alcoholic to speak with your Dad at the home. Perhaps he might strike up a friendship that is positive for him. A man will listen to a man...whereas in most cases a woman is "just nagging"
My fiancee taught me "people are going to do what they want to do...no matter what anyone says or does"
drink some chamomile & go for a walk at sunset...that will help you feel better :)

FIO, I would find out how she can come have lunch with him at the facility.

My dads 1st facility had meal vouchers that you could purchase from the business office for $6 each meal, $10 if you paid at the table. Not bad for steak or salmon or 50 other lovely, delicious meals.

We would make it like a date, get there and walk up to the restaurant a bit before the meal, walk outside on the patio, then enjoy a leisurely meal with coffee and desert. My dad loved to be seen with visitors.

Maybe you could send her some vouchers and that would be the excuse to eat at the facility?

Have you talked to your dad about the importance of NOT imbibing at all? Could his doctor stress this, again?

Hi, I know it's hard feeling like you are controlling his life, but you are doing it out of care & concern. The roles are switching at this stage in our lives and we have to help them make better decisions & keep them safe, while ensuring they have as much autonomy as possible. It can be a hard line to navigate! My Dad is also an alcoholic in AL. I can't control his drinking & luckily nothing has happened to get him kicked out. I'm also out of state like you. My issue is I have taken his car away & one of his great joys in life - driving! So although I feel like I'm controlling & overstepping sometimes, it's for the safety of him & his community. I would ask your dad's friend to come to AL for a meal or take him out for ice cream or breakfast - he could get the social time, but at an hour or during an activity not associated with drinking. Good luck!

You are correct to limit his exposure at this point in his life to friends who drink.  Especially those who have been with him during his experiences with alcohol.   Alcoholism never goes away.   It is a disease that will be with him the rest of his life.  Having him in this facility and because of his current physical condition keeps him away from drinking,  But he will, without a doubt, drink if around that friend who has drank with him in the past.  No one can tell you what makes them drink.  And he cannot stop it.  That being said, I would do everything in your power to insure that they don't see each other.  I speak from experience as alcoholism runs in my family,  It has completely taken over my brother's life and he is on his way to end up like your Dad or worse as he ages.  Don't make concessions.  It is not a negotiable disease.

You didn't cause it, can't cure it or control it. These are the three C's in Al-Anon. I know that you want to control your father's drinking. In Al-Anon, we learn how to stop worrying about the alcoholic and if he/she is still drinking or not. We don't try to control someone's actions or their whereabouts. Let the facility deal with these issues. If he goes out and comes back sloshed from drinking, what can you do?

Please join Al-Anon. They have telephone group meetings and online meetings. There are some in person meetings that have returned since the pandemic has lessened.

Make arrangements at a local Dennys or Perkins, anywhere that doesn't serve alcohol. If you can't be there, have someone you trust pick him up and drop him to meet his friend. Old alcohics with dementia are still human beings and deserve to have a social life.

Tell him his friend can have lunch with him at "his place" (the assisted living/memory care facility). The friend can always bring lunch items but be firm that drinks must come from the facility.

"put him in an assisted living/memory care (he finally gave in and didn't put up a fight) and is doing pretty well now that he has assistance, is being fed, taking meds and not allowed alcohol." This. I have been feeling this for the past few months. My dad also has "Korsakoff Wernicke syndrome". It was so hard to see him go down this path. He did it all to himself in a little less than 5 years. Currently dad is on a monitoring system that he has to blow into twice a day. It takes a picture of him doing it, and the company monitors to make sure it's him. He currently can still drive, but I told him one slip and I will remove that privilege from him. So far he has been doing great. But that top quote of yours is the only reason why. He gets his meds on time each day and 3 healthy meals to go with it. I doubt very seriously if I were to allow him to go home that he would continue to improve. He has been going to AA meetings which I am very proud of him for. His attitude towards the whole thing still stinks though. I don't think he grasps the hell he put us through or the seriousness of the disease.

He also has a friend that we are certain was bringing him bottles when he was home and unable to drive. If you know the person that he's wanting to go with, I would def contact them and express your concerns. I think it would probably be best if the friend decided to just go see him at the ALF and maybe have dinner with him there. They do allow guests to eat for a small fee. At least dads does . Hope this rambling helps. Have a blessed day.

Nolan