Follow
Share

Not interested in a hearing test (or hearing aid), withdrawing from all conversations (unless one-on-one) & insists everyone talks too low. Gets aggravated with me & raises voice/yells at me because she doesn’t want to talk about her hearing, the way she walks (short steps, almost like ice skating), doesn’t want me to even SUGGEST her attendance at local senior center (lots of activities). She doesn’t want to be with ‘those old people’. I’m concerned as she eats most meals out at local diner or restaurant. She talks about waitstaff as if they are her family, stays there as late as 11pm & has asked me to end my visit so she can ‘go get something to eat’ at the diner. I’m concerned as she doesn’t use 15-20% tip rule (gives what she feels like & doesn’t care, even though she has reverse mortgage & doesn’t have any money) and talks to waitstaff about my family’s personal affairs (like waitstaff are her confidants or close personal friends). I’m concerned as she doesn’t have personal boundaries, and literally starts to talk to EVERYONE she meets at the store, getting in the car, etc. She’s never had (or has) friends & I get that she’s lonely. But does NOT want my suggestions (about local senior center) and other options to meet/talk/do things with people her age. She told my husband, while the three of us were together, that she’s “not going to listen to her” (meaning ME) about anything. How to deal with this?

Find Care & Housing
I agree it's a very good idea to put a little situation report in writing to your mother's doctors. They can still ignore it (grrr!) but they can't say you didn't warn them.

How frustrating this must be for you. Hugs.

Your mother's putting her back up when you try to help, getting defensive and "Bolshie" (= uncivilly mutinous, it's an old-fashioned term but the only one I can think of that seems to cover it) - what was your relationship like before, before and after your father passed away? I'm wondering if this prickliness is also a symptom, or a continuation.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report
Katsmihur Jun 20, 2019
Yes, very frustrating. I think my parents attitude is that of many of their generation - they don’t want to ask for help from their child(ren), as it means, to them, a lack of overall control. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to accompany them to Dad’s important doc visit years ago, and after I said I’d meet them there, they cancelled it and rescheduled, I’d say it’s a continuation . . . TY for the hugs!
(0)
Report
I really see no problem in ur Mom socializing at the Diner. I, personally, am not a really a "joiner". Senior centers would not be for me. Maybe bus trips but I don't play cards and I don't play games. I had Mom in Adult Daycare, but to be honest, I wouldn't like it. Sitting at a table doing crafts is not my cup of tea. I like my little Den with my little couch and peace and quiet.

But, the way she is walking would concerns me. My Mom walked in short little steps like she was afraid she'd fall. At 79, she really should have a full physical. There are lots of things that show signs of Dementia but aren't. Being hard of hearing is one thing. Potassium levels another. Dehydration. Diabetes. Thyroid.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

If your mom eats at the same restaurant all the time it is entirely possible that she is friendly enough with the staff that they share life with one another. My mom eats at the same place all the years of my life and then some, when I visit they all act like they know me. She enjoys them and they enjoy her, no harm. The staff at the restaurant my mom goes to, think enough of her that she could call on them in an emergency.

I have a dear friend that has never met a stranger, talks to everyone that crosses his path, some people are short and put out, others appreciate the kind word and being acknowledged.

This is a long journey, picking your battles early is really important for your sanity. Let her find her own social outlet, she isn't hurting anything and it makes her happy.

Remember it hasn't been all that long ago when people actually interacted with one another and knew there neighbors and grocery clerks, it is normal to be friendly and open, just not in the 21st century. Our seniors have seen so much self isolation of the human race and technology, but it is still foriegn to them.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

Your job involves supporting social workers?

Um.

I assume they're the wrong sort of social workers to be of any help?

All the same. You can't possibly have avoided all contact with the kinds of organisations you can look to for help, can you?

Meanwhile. Over what period of time have you noticed your mother's behaviour(s) becoming a problem? Is this sudden and recent? Gradual, but now getting worse, faster? Oddly, it's the gait that's the reddest flag (well spotted, by the way). Do you have contact details for your mother's doctor to report this and the rest of it?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report
Katsmihur Jun 19, 2019
They have helped to direct me to resources and support groups. Unfortunately, I can’t jump into a support group till July and am now trying on-line support. Dad passed six years ago and have seen a gradual decline in decision making (choosing workmen from yellow pages, even though husband is a tradesman. Even after the job was incomplete, she ‘works around it’ rather than calling to have it fixed (or allowing US to make the call - happened two summers ago). She had an incident with Dad’s gun at her house (I learned this after she told my in-law). Mom was encouraged by my in-law to tell me what happened. Having never handled a gun in her life, she felt the need to pick it up, spin the barrel - and it went off - a bullet through bedroom wall and lodged in neighboring closet. Walking: When I asked her why she’s walking that way, she angrily responded that I don’t have to worry about the way she walks (she doesn’t like to talk about things). I’ve called her doc twice in last two weeks, saying I see changes I’d like to talk to her doc about, but haven’t received a call. I’m going to snail mail him about what I see.
(1)
Report
Mom sounds like a hoot LOL. There can and usually is drama at these senior centers, hence one reason she may not want to go.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to shad250
Report
Katsmihur Jun 19, 2019
Yeah, she’s a real hoot. She doesn’t want to be around senior center because they’re OLD people, and has no problem approaching younger men elsewhere to talk with & doesn’t see/understand their behavioral cues when they are trying to retreat.
(0)
Report
It sounds as though your mom has some dementia. Does she have a regular doctor?

If so, you can send him/her a brief note with your observations of your mothers dangerous behaviors. The doctor cant contact you unless mom has signed a release for you to be made privy to her medical information, but you can and should share what you see with the doctor.

Unless your mother has been declared incompetent, she can make her own poor choices. YOU have no legal obligation to support those choices and no obligation to give her money or financially support her.

You may need to wait until she falls, is injured or hospitalized and then make the social workers at the hospital aware of her inability to live alone.

Do NOT take her into your home. That way lies madness.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
Katsmihur Jun 19, 2019
I believe so, too. Her doc retired, but sees one in the same practice. Mom has used the local ‘patient first’ for coughs and colds, so much so she was told numerous by staff to be followed up by her doc. She just went to doc for checkup, I asked what he said about her hearing. She replied she filled out two pages of paperwork but doc didn’t say anything about her hearing. I’m not ‘allowed’ to go to her doc appts. - she’s very independent. I’ve been in touch with dr’s office twice, but apparently am not getting a call back. So I very much like the suggestion to write the office with my concerns. I have been told by others who’ve gone through this with their parents that waiting till something happens may be the only reality . . . My husband and I would like to plan and has talked about converting part of the house for Mom. Honestly, there’s no way she’ll even ENTERTAIN this idea.
(0)
Report
Bumping this up.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter