You need to take care of you- BS!

I am in the same boat, started taking care of my 70 yr old mother. Since then my health and my mental health have declined tremendously!!! I get joy out of going to Walmart but, when I do get to go I have my mother calling me a million times asking me where I'm at and telling me to hurry up because she is freaking out. And it's not like she is home alone, hubby or someone is always home with her.
I go to see a therapist monthly and get told I need to take care of myself that way I can take care of her, well if i don't get any "ME" time I'm not going to be able to take care of myself or her. I have missed numerous dr's appointments because she has anxiety attacks when she knows I have to go to the dr the next day.
So, I know where you're coming from and hope it gets better for you. Much Love from Kentucky <3

I get what your expressing, I constantly hear you need to do something special for yourself, and my favorite you have to look out for you. I get what others our saying and yes I need to think of me. But the truth is, I’m an only child there is no one to share this process with. My kids help as much as they can but they’re young with their own lives.

In essence I’m managing two lives, and households within 24 hours. Doing this with a full time job and family there is no time for nails, and shoe shopping that I would like to do. The few times I tried to set aside for myself I get a crisis call about mom and off I go. Maybe it’ll get better, or maybe this is just the new normal. Your not alone in voicing your frustration.

I hear you loud and clear. People will say you need to take care of yourself, but that is easily said than done. We have major responsibilities as caregivers, and so little time for us, sometimes I think these people are clueless, but probably well meaning. Walmart trip that is good. My down-time is getting up early in the am, listen to classical music and having breakfast. I find going to the dentist every four months and having my teeth cleaned for three hours is like going to a spa. Pitiful isn't it? My brother watches my mom in the waiting room for an hour or two, and then I bring her in with me. The staff is wonderful and understands. I do not go out too much except for grocery shopping, and even that turns into some crisis with family..They do not seem to function on their own without me for a short time. There is always some crisis. I end up driving home to find my mother just fine, and of course I am relieved. It is easier and less frustrating to just stay home, but someone has to shop, otherwise we will starve. I tell my family make believe I am dead, and then you will have to make sound decisions on your own. I am thinking of doing online grocery shopping to solve the problem. Tried it with them, but too ridiculous They call me at least twenty times and read the ingredients to me, what kind of tomato, what brand of salt, low fat milk or 2%,It drives me up the wall. They eat the same food day in and day out HELLO!!! I was trying to have alone time with mom, but I was answering the phone constantly. They even put the manager on the phone because they lost the list. Sorry for going on. You got me thinking. I feel better now. Check with the Senior Center or your local church to see if they have volunteers to sit with your mom.

Ooti may not still be here, but I have a maybe weird perspective.

I learned while I was a military wife, far from family, with young kids and husband deployed a lot....that getting help was not necessarily an option. Add in kids with disabilities and most everyone vanishes. I became only dependent on myself to get things done. That’s life for me. But I started to lose my health in my 20s because I refused to look for help, figured it wasn’t going to happen. Getting diagnosed with caregiver stress-related heart disease at 29...not cool. I had to rearrange a few things in my life and kids’ lives to allow for me to get healthy again. If I dropped from a heart attack with husband gone and 4 small kids in the house, what then?

Fast forward to caregiving not only my kids, but my disabled father too. I went right back into “nobody going to help me, so screw them I’ll do it all myself and be miserable.” I’d get the same “you need to take care of yourself” and get angry because I figured if I didn’t do all the things they wouldn’t get done. After I had to put my father into care facility after more strokes I thought, yes! My life will be good now! Except my body and brain had other plans. 10 years of disability caregiving for elder and children and not looking after myself...my physical and mental self were a ticking time bomb that went off in a big way 9 months ago. Major mental crisis and such physical exhaustion I couldn’t do even basic chores. I’m still not better, still trying to recover from what I essentially did to myself.

Yes, in the moment having someone telling you to please look after yourself, it can really grate your cheese. Like...how? And we get mad that people don’t just jump to offer. But we don’t control other people. We already know help from our friends and family isn’t really available in the way we want it to be. Then we get mad again. We don’t want to get outside help or do facilities because we think we can do it all so much better. But keep in mind, your body and brain may be plotting against you every time you say, “there’s no help.” There is help, you do have to actively seek it, and doing so may save your life. Don’t be like me...

So, MIranova, how did you get help?

Yes! People have just stored this rehearsed answer up to say because they think it's helpful. It's not! Sometimes it's not possible!

OotiFairy it’s like you are reading my Mind. I am so close to a melt down, my heart sinks every morning when I hear her stir I. Her room. I am so sick and tired of planning my life(what a joke) around doing for her.
I went out in the worse wY yet I don’t know how, and I am miserable.

I cared 24/7 for dad no help. Even had to order everything online as couldn’t leave him alone. Whilst I couldn’t take care of me in some aspects - I could at times take a moment to enjoy a sunset or a bird etc and have a quiet ‘me” moment. Wasn’t much but it helped retain my sanity and sense of humour even if physical health suffered.

Yes, it would have been heaven if someone had cared enough to help. Even just so I could go and pay the mounting bills for my own place that was empty.

My sibling vowed they would help when the time came - turned out they meant “morale support” via phone!

I guess you could always try the next time next time someone says that “Thanks for offering that would be great to have some time away - when can you come?!” At least it might stop them saying it again!

I tried it on my sibling after 8 years - from saying a week holiday would be great - I got one day - so guess it worked 🤣

I did take care of myself. Hired help, continued to work, it was absolutely the right thing for me to do. When I could no longer keep him in our home, I moved him to one of our rentals and he had 24/7 care, then he went into Hospice.

Never once did I think anyone should help me, and their comments never bothered me, I did my own thing. He was well cared for, I am not clinically trained, so there was no point of me trying to be Florence Nightingale.

DareDiffer;

Hindsight is always 20/20!

"I guess you could always try the next time next time someone says that “Thanks for offering that would be great to have some time away - when can you come?!” At least it might stop them saying it again!"

My bets would be on it stopping the silly comments/statements!

"I tried it on my sibling after 8 years - from saying a week holiday would be great - I got one day - so guess it worked"

Okay, next time, if ever, ask for a month, maybe you get 4 days? ;-)

Gotta love those siblings... maybe.... at least my two brothers don't give me crap. I manage everything and did more than my share of getting condo ready for sale, getting mom into a safe place, etc, but they don't butt in. It would be nice to share the work, but it is what it is. Only recently, since our mother is refusing to walk and has a lot of trouble standing (therefore getting to bathroom/going/cleanup requires physical help), I have asked YB to take over appointments. The first was the long trip for Mac. Degen. treatments, it took a lot out of me! Now, I can't support her weight, so it will be doctor and dentist too. Seems agreeable to take that on. We shall see...

Disgustedtoo

😂😂- noooo re a month - there would have been 2 dozen “ reasons” why not possible! I’m pretty sure I could recite parrot fashion what several would be. But at least it stopped the critiques about care as too worried I might say take over then! Instead I get thanks for all I do - taken with a large amount of salt 🤣🤣

I got very tired of hearing that expression from others. First of all, as you point out, how can a caregiver take care of themselves if they don’t have sufficient help. Well said. I hope you get good help down the line and get a much needed break. Hugs!

Well intentioned people say all kinds of crazy stuff. I guess we all have at one time or another about all kinds of topics not realizing what we are saying.

I foolishly told my cousin when she said that she was going to divorce her husband that I would do whatever it took to save my marriage.

She looked at me and said, “Your husband would be worth it. He’s an intelligent man. I am married to an idiot! You have a marriage worth saving with a good history. My marriage started going downhill shortly after I married him. I am not wasting any more time with him.”

I didn’t know she was having so much trouble in her marriage. She hid it for a long time.

She put me in my place for making the comment that I said and I am glad that she did. I promptly apologized to her and never made that comment to someone contemplating a divorce ever again. I did mean well. I didn’t want her to go through a painful divorce. She had two beautiful kids. She did leave him. It was hard. After therapy though, she thrived on her own.

I think I redeemed myself with her. Her husband showed up at her apartment one day begging for her to take him back and she shut the door in his face. When she told me about that incident I said to her, “I am so proud of you!” She smiled and said, “Thanks!”

Happy to say that several years later she ended up with a great guy deserving of her.

oh yes, i completly agree, people are quick to give advice, but not help, unless they are getting paid, hah, so much for good christian hospitality! they love you so much as long as they dont have to do anything. sadly not a single person except hospice and nurses and physical therapist come to visit them either, its really all so very sad, i pray i do not live so long someone has to care for me, life really sucks.

No..i get where your coming from..
My friends...children...strangers say the same things...." Oh I don't know how you do it"...or You need to take care of yourself first"!!!..lol..yeah when? or " GOD will bless you for what your doing"...i will say when my youngest son lived in town..he watched his G-ma for me so i could get away..i had a self- directed care program set up and i could pay him with..but everyone else..its lip service...give advise but won't come over to give me respite time...The son doesn't live in town anymore...you need a day-care program if its possible to take them to.they will keep them all day..i changed my self-directed to the adult day care but its tough to get her there and depends how she's feeling.but yeah..outsiders luv to give advise to us caregivers but won't offer to come give us time off.

100% agree!
Im on a seesaw with my mum, who lives with me as of May this year and I have been in burnout mode ever since, she doesn't fit categories most put on here because she keeps getting well after every fall, broken bones and mini strokes but mind is good now but even broken bone she forgets everything....I'm single no kids my life was meant to be be mine but it hasn't been for 16yrs....we are basically married to the ones we care for. I have gotten to the point now of shooting a few comments back at people who say aweeee you have such a lovely mum you should appreciate having each other....I turn and say how would you feel if this crap had been going on for 16yrs with other help because she keeps getting better every time....they quickly shut up & I can see them think omg I hope I don't have to do this for my parents. I honestly think bluntness shocks them. Which I don't even care how I come across anymore. Home care only comes max 28hrs wk....there's 168hrs in a week....no other alternative. Refuses assisted living and thinks nursing homes are to die. Yep I'm burnout and going away for 2 wks in November to try take care of me but I know what I'll be coming home to. My life sux.

If you don't complain, then you won't hear any comments. They are right when they say, "you need help " Do you think that they should be coming to your house to care for your husband or who ever ? Get real ! Stop complaining and GET HELP !

Instead of waiting for anybody to offer,  try this.
When they have reached the end of their preaching, ask them "what day they would like to come over for an hour so you can go have some "me" time."

Allow them their pause.  Do not say anything.  Give them time to respond.  I'm  sure they have never been asked this before.

If they ask, "Is there anything else I could do for you?"
Be prepared to ask for something.  How about a casserole surprise?  A dessert  surprise?  A short 10 minute visit? A prayer?

You never know because they may not "offer" because you may not "ask."
 
Consider: When I don't ask, then they don't know.
If they are truly concerned you may or may not be surprised by their answer.
Just accept their answer either way it goes.