You need to take care of you- BS!

I feel the same way. I get 2 hours twice a week to get away when hired caregivers come and I always end up doing errands instead of something fun and relaxing. Nobody ever offers help, not even to bring over a meal or help with little things around the house. Feels like I'm on an island.

You sound completely burned out. I'm sorry that this is your life right now. You simply cannot go on like this. Being bitter about no help will not bring any help and is toxic to you so you must force yourself to look down a different path for solutions. Pick your battles wisely and prioritize them. Objectively I'd say your Job #1 is getting alternative, permanent care for your mom so that you can both get relief. May I ask if you have applied for Medicaid for your mother? If not, why not? On Medicaid you can get your mother into a decent care facility where she can have more eyes on her medical issues, be with other people and you can get your life back. THEN you can pursue the legal issues. I have been hearing more and more about the negative impacts of Cipro (even for non-seniors). My 90 yo mom was given clindamycin after a root canal and it caused a rash reaction, then a gut reaction, then her legs swelled up and it took forever for it to go away. We know it was the meds because they checked her up and down, in and out with MIR, etc. Maybe you can find an attorney to pursue a class-action lawsuit? But first, you must solve the most pressing issue of keeping your own health solid. If you make yourself sick with burnout, who will then care for your mom? Blessings and peace to you.

It is frustrating for certain. When this first happened to my brother and I was reeling with anxiety my own doctor, who I had begged for just 10 medications for anti-anxiety so I could at least sleep, at least thing, said I should see a counselor to help. And yes I KNOW they do help. But I had the appointment cancelled when I sat and realized after having "sought help" two other crisis times in my life, I could now change seats with the shrink and be them while they could be me. I could do all the pat "go-to" phrases, the first and most popular being:
"Now, what are you doing for YOU? What plans do you have for making YOUR life better"
I figured if someone said that to me at that particular time I would happily throttle them, hee hee.
I know. People don't know what to say, so they say something. But you are correct, they are not there to sit with your elder for four hours. Likely you would worry the entire four hours, but it would be worth a try, huh?
Here is another pat phrase for you: from me: "I am so sorry it is such tough times right now." I mean. We try.

10 pills! 10 pills, I meant. Not 10 medications. That would be overkill. Literally.

My very first thread here was titled “When Getting Your Nails Done Isnt Enough”.

I was near emotional and physical collapse - and if one more person told me to go get my nails done I likely would have assaulted them! As if a manicure could possibly have made the slightest bit of difference in the anguish and desperation I was feeling.

I mean - SERIOUSLY?!?

The articles that say to "take care of yourself!" bug me. While the pat advice certainly sounds nice, when one's life is as hard as it is for many elder caregivers, it will take a LOT more than just an hour here and there to oneself to make a difference.

What is often really needed is to change the living arrangements so that the elder is no longer living with the caregiver.

Sounds like you've become angry at everyone. (What do you expect people to say anyway)?
If you're now at your limit, make some permanent changes. There may be hard choices (& maybe some people will be ticked off at you.)
But it doesn't make you a failure for realizing that things have become too much. Get control of your emotions first, & things will go easier during the changes.

WOW so not expecting the comments that are here.
my mistake thinking this was a place
to just ask if it bugs people when they say that ... there is absolutely no reason for my mother to be left to die in a nursing home.
My comment was about the people that constantly remind you to care for yourself but make no effort to help you do that. Maybe no one else gets that but me.

Not sure how everyone gets me being “so angry” from text ... but hey I know not to ask questions.

I would NEVER not care for her because I don’t get a break ... but I will stop talking to friends and family who keep pushing me but do nothing just thought it was a common thing in caregiving and thought just getting it out here was a safe thing to do... again my mistake.
Have a nice life guys .... such quick judgements aren’t going to get any of us very far.

I can relate to your post OotFairy. I have gotten these types of remarks from people who knew I did not have help. I worked full time and cared for both parents at one time..so there really was no extra time.

They are just words that people say thinking it will help you in some way.. hollow words. The best thing they can say is.. you need to take time for yourself.. let me know and I will come and sit with your mom so you can get out... in our dreams anyway.

There are lots of posters here with different perspectives... but always lots of support as well. .. hope you stick around.

OotiFairy: how has this forum disappointed you? I'm not seeing the "quick judgements" you're referring to. Most posts agreed with you and had experienced the same thing you have.

In your profile you wrote you're mentally and physically exhausted. One person mentioned a care facility and two others mentioned other arrangements. You're desperate for some relief and posters are just trying to support and help you.

I hope you're able to find people who'll give you the help and respite you need.

OotieFairy, I have searched this thread several times now and cannot find anyone that seems to me to have said anything offensive. I think that perhaps your title statement using the abbreviation of "BS" may have led some to think that speaking in a kind of "blunt voice" would be OK? I am guessing.
I believe you are new to the forum? I am only here myself since March. But some are here for literally years now. In fact some were caring for a wife or husband who has passed, or a parent, and remain here only to help others with what they have learned. Some work in legal offices. Some do Estate Settlement. Social workers, Nurses (OLD nurses--that's me), facility workers, CNAs. There are even a few Lawyers. And just about every other type of person you can imagine, not only from the states but from around the world.
No one suggested that you should place your Mom, though certainly many have been forced finally after many years, to do that. And there are some few now--three I can think of, who at least weekly make long posts absolutely full of unsolvable pain.
People are overall so kind here. Once I was UNKIND, and wow, was I taken quickly to task on the private message board. I almost left with tail tucked between my legs, but I like to talk too much...............so.................
Please do stick around for a while. There is so much to share openly with one another about pain. Sometimes even a joke or a recipe thrown in. We do get to "know" one another. I think it is a great support.
I can only hope you will stick around. I see all sort of comment below that indicate we DO know how hard it is to see platitudes when what you need is someone to make you a casserole.
As to placing or not placing an elder, we each must make our own decision on that. I am late 70s now so no way up to it, but I will admit I would not have been up to it my youngest strongest day on this earth. I don't have it in me. I might wish I were a better person, but I am not, and I know my limitations. We each must assess for ourselves what we can do. No one here will judge your decision either way, though you may occ. hear a bit of advice more blunt than you would like.
Hope you stay. Will say no more.

OotiFairy, I apologize if it was my post that offended you. Many in this online community have been where you are right now. Please know that many of us have family members in great facilities and they are not "left to die". Often we are part of the "sandwich" generation who are struggling to care for kids and grandkids in our homes as well as aging parents. We have learned you can't do it all. I do understand that when people make flippant suggestions it is because they have not walked in our shoes and can't imagine what it is like to give care 24/7/365. Are you part of a religious community? If so, have you contacted them for any volunteers? I'm an elder in a small church and we have gladly helped many people who were not attenders. Often people are willing to help, they just don't know specifically what is needed. You can ask family, friends and neighbors to spot you an hour here or there to start. Once they see how much it is appreciated, they might be more willing to step up for future needs. It's all you can do in the absence of funds. Also, you can contact your local Council on Aging (also called area agency on aging) and they may have resources for you. You can also get assessed by the county for in-home services like meals, light housekeeping, etc.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are not alone in this situation. Did you ever hear the expression " SH-- or get off the pot " ? Either put your person (Mom ? ) in a nursing home or just care for her the best way you can without feeling angry. Anger will get you nowhere. Sounds like you are bitter towards her for whatever reason you have. You cannot take care of her properly with your attitude. Neither one of you deserve this. I'm sure she feels your anger towards her and this is not healthy. She would certainly be better of in a facility and without YOU !

You are not alone. Like the saying "wake a mile in my shoes", most of these people have no idea what is involved. Maybe getting up 3 times during the night because your spouse, (insert person you're caring for) needs something .

My break time is in the bathroom when I can do a Sudoku puzzle or 3. I sit down in front of my computer and maybe get through 3 or 4 emails and I hear her knocking on the wall.( our signal that she needs help).

My favorite one is when someone sees that I am tired and say " why don't you just take a nap?" Yea right! That's when the mess hits the fan.

I could sit and write a 300 page letter sounding off about this, but it would do no good.

Just remember:

There is no such thing as a bad day, bad things can happen during your day, but don't let them make the whole day bad.

I learned long ago that family is not going to help w my mil. I would never ask my friends. Not their responsibility and I don’t want to lose my friends.
I turned to in home caregivers. Reliable and I have the added bonus of spending the inheritance of the selfish family members of those who won’t help. I was angry and bitter until I began to think like that.

Old and bitter.

OotiFairy, I hear you! There are a couple posts here that did miss your point (and the most recent is particularly unhelpful and uncalled-for) but I hope you can overlook those and stick with this forum, as most are caring and thoughtful. I read your post as being exasperated by those people in your life who are offering platitudes, with good intentions, no doubt, but no practical help. It is indeed annoying. I did not take it that you are angry and to me you didn't seem upset with your mom.

I have recently retired and now help my sister take care of our mom (we all live in the same house) and even sharing this responsibility, I find it very challenging. I will describe this to friends and get that same advice. Only the ones who have been in the same position have offered practical suggestions. Stick with the people who have something to share with you that is useful and just ignore the rest. All the best to you!

When someone says to you that you need time away then say to them."Your'e right. When can you come sit so I can?
I didn't get those comments when I became my mom's caregiver after her stroke,but I would get family members who would offer unsolicited advice.Most would say,Well,if you have her do this or she should be further along So and so had a stroke and they do etc.My first instinct was to say It's easy for you to give advice but how about you come for a few hours and help.Unless you've walked a mile in my shoes.Keep your comments or advice to yourself.You do need some time away occasionally.Thankfully,I had my daughter or an aide that allowed me to recharge when needed.If there is a friend,neighbor,church member or even family member you trust.Take the time for you.

We recommend caring for yourself because you have to: WE’VE BEEN THERE!! Apologize to your fellow BSers and take note. Do what you can and seek assistance for the rest. Easier said than done? Of course. Go ahead & whine, but without turning on the rest of us. And TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!

Oh my YES! "Take care of yourself." When I hear that, it makes me feel guilty. I think I'm not taking care of myself and if I go under, who can help? I take care of my husband who has a bad chronic pain disease...we are waiting for a second diagnosis from Mayo or Cleveland Clinic, my 90 year old mother with Alzheimer's (She still can dress herself, brush her teeth, etc. Thankfully!) And a grown son recovering from a psychotic event.
I had I never thought of this before for myself, but I will ask that person suggesting that I take care of myself, if they can come over so I can have some time off. I do have a wonderful paid helper that I hired a couple of weeks ago, but we can afford for her to come for a few hours a couple of times a week. And I stay as we work together a lot to get caught up on laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. Again, the take away is turn the take care of yourself back on the person suggesting this.

You are not old and bitter. You are right in the money. The next time someone says that to you come right back with, okay when can you come give me time to do that? If you wait for someone to offer you will wait forever. I know people say they want to help, but until they walk in our shoes, they will never understand how hard it is and how much we sacrifice in order to care for another adult. Especially if it’s family. Good Luck to you and please do what you have to do to get a break. You can’t give 100% if you are running on 50%.

I'm sorry but I cannot help but speak up. To the OP, I am sorry for some of the comments you've endured. This forum has helped me in many ways. My mom passed 6 months ago and years 'BS' led to lasting health damage to me as I struggle to rebuild my life at middle age. Health 'care' in the US is ridiculous and will only get worse. For the posters telling you that you are bitter and to 'get off the pity pot' and the rest, I am thankful I've the restraint not to respond directly to them. All I can say is: hold on, try to survive and know that it won't last forever.

I feel a lot of bitterness, but I only have one mom for all eternity. The worst thing about caregiving is that you sacrificed your life for another's care...and they are going to die on you and leave you by yourself..to fend for yourself. There will be no pity or mercy in this life as bills keep on coming in. That is going to be exceptionally difficult if you are middle aged and out of the workforce. For years. Let me assure you age discrimination is real and you really are going to have to fight to get a job. So no time to really grieve..which adds to the pure cruelty of life.

You DO need to make plans for your life; it is YOUR life. What are you going to do when your loved one (LO) dies? Social support is very important. My best friend watches my mom so I can work a few hours a week. I also acquired my bachelor's degree because I stay home a lot so I made straight As--thereby winning scholarships so my 4-year degree was entirely free including books. I'm not a smart person by any means, but I had to work my booty off. There are options even as a full-time caregiver.

When your loved ones dies: What next? Make plans. Also make sure you got your ducks in a row. This includes estate planning, POA, and prepaid funeral or cremation. Cremation is the cheapest means to dispose of a body. I never liked burial since the preservative (formaldehyde) breaks down in a few months and the corpse just rots away anyway. Prepaid funerals will save you a lot of money and the undertake won't gouge you.

If a person is really strapped for money, one can donate the body to science. Transportation is free; once the tissue samples are collected and otherwise used for teaching purposes, the cremation is free, along with two free death certificates. Just an option to explore if money is a problem.

Im sorry to see some if the negativity toward you here. I've heard those words so many times. Yet no one offers to help. I've managed to get a paid caregiver 4 hours a week. I'm blessed that my husband can still go with me for short errands. Ny husband is a Presbyterian minister but never once did a church member offer to help. We recently moved to 55 plus community. I was so blessed last week when a new neighbor called she had signed me up for a red hat meeting. Not necessarily my thing. And her husband would stay with my husband during event. I cried with joy. Praying someday your angel will appear aldi

You are 100% correct! I haven't had a vacation in 13 years as I take care of my mother and her brother who moved in with me. I don't go anywhere after 4pm or 6pm when the weekly caregiver leaves and I am here 90 hours a week with both of them while the caregiver is here 30 hours a week. So I can't stay overnight anywhere, go to any night time events with friends (whom I rarely see) and my life is basically not my own. I do have the comfort of knowing that my relatives are not being abused in a nursing home though. So many folks have told me to put them in a home, but you have to have at least $100,000.00 for them to make it through a year and then most homes don't have medicaid beds... so they get shipped to a facility that is most likely not so attentive and the quality of life is not great. Yes, there is hospice but living in the most densely populated area in the U.S. makes it hard to come by. I hear you, everyone thinks it is so easy to dump the family, but I am like you, someone who cares and finds it hard to heave ho... kick grandma to the curb.

❤️ You are not alone my friend.

I hear "Take Care Of Yourself" from friends, family and Doctors and to that comment, I recently said to our Minister HOW?
I think people mean well but don't know what else to say. I am told many times the care giver dies first.
99.9% of the people offer no help and to bring in a stranger and pay adds to the stress. Thank God my husband is still so I can take him with me every where. We have 43 years of serious health problems and 10 plus years of Alzhimers (plus my own serious healthy history) and we are loosing every day. I am a Nurse so I have seen that he has had the best of medical and nursing care. I am tired, afraid, bitter and want relief and know that God has a plan but I am afraid of the future and would like to think that I will have some health and time when this is over. When he naps or goes to bed I am so glad but there is not much relief because I have to do everything that life demands to keep it all going. The most I can do is know there are a few people praying and I say, God Help"! I have checked into stress counseling without success and realize that is not the answer so why bother because it is my problem. Things can and do change minuet to minuet and then there is a new problem to solve and a decision to make. This keeping a constant eye on some one is like never having a break from a toddler. I know that it is going to get worse and my mind is always working on my (if I need or am forced) next" plan of action." Thing is.. no one will ever care for our loved ones like we do but it is killing us! Our Elder Law Attorney has been helpful but like everything "no free".

Sorry for all the suffering for everyone.

I usually hear about "taking care of oneself" from people using it as an excuse not do too much for others themselves.

I’m sorry I finished nine years six months ago- of the caregiving. I get what u feel and feel your pain. Now that my husband passed I’m six months along—- began a hobby I use to love and now a job. Just had a good cry as it hits you every so often

One thing I've found out in my caregiving journey: You can't wait for an offer of assistance. You have to ask for it. That was a very hard thing for me to do, as I've always been an independent cuss - but the time came when I had to put my pride in my pocket and ask for help. As the years have dragged on, I'm doing it more and more, and I found that it gets easier as time goes by.

It's also an opportunity to find out who your real friends are... they're the ones who might be hesitant to offer, but who will gladly step up to the plate once they're asked. Hopefully you have one or two of those. Thankfully, I do - and it's my ex-husband's wife! She's a very kind woman, and helps me out whenever she can, which only goes to prove that sometimes help comes from the most unexpected quarter.

I'm with you on the frustration of having your only "alone" time consumed with errands or tasks that you have to dash through at breakneck speed. I have to carefully time and choreograph everything so that it fits into Mom's nap time. Exhaustive preplanning of a simple shopping trip is a chore in and of itself (and who among us needs another one of those?), and I often return home to hear her call bell ringing before I can even lay down my purse, let alone get the bags out of the car.

It's natural to feel "old and bitter" - I get that way quite frequently. I usually handle it by allowing myself a pity party for a little while, but then I get back up and slog on. I have to. My only alternative is a nervous breakdown, and I don't want to go there.

I hope you find someone you can trust to give you a hand. But you'll have to make the first move, and see where it goes from there.