Which is more difficult: raising kids or taking care of an aging relative fulltime?

They're both difficult. The biggest difference is that when we're raising our children, we are much younger, and can handle the lack of sleep, and physical demands better, than when we get older and now have to do it all over again, with someone older and sometimes bigger than us.

Changing a diaper on a baby/toddler is a far cry different from one on an adult, much less an adult who has lost all mobility and can’t be of any help. Otherwise, I’ll just say that I have a particular hatred of lumping all of anything into one category. There are endless variations of both seniors and children and I’m sure there are cases where some of each are easier and harder. I have an adult son with a brain injury, I’ll only finish raising him if he passes away. Easier than my dad was? No way. That’s but one example of the endless possibilities....

Daughter1930, I'm truly sorry about your son. How are you and he doing?

funkygrandma, you make an excellent point there. I'm 37, my aunt is in her early 50's with a handful of health issues. So maybe in a way it does sort of balance out. Out of everyone in my family, I'm probably the best bet to take care of grandma because I'm the youngest.

daughterof1930, you also bring up a good point. I suppose "easy/hard" is only relative. One could have the "easiest" of elderly people to take care of, who are in the best of shape/mind, versus a child with severe disabilities.

I'm very sorry to hear about your son. My heart goes out to you. Big big hugs! No parent should ever have to endure that hardship. Sending you lots of love.

I think it depends on 1) the care needs of the child and 2) the care needs of the elderly.

I know people with *extremely* special needs children, for whom they will care for until they (the parents) pass away. Compared to a situation like that, it was much easier for me to take care of my mom.

I think though, in general, it's not a question of "easier" - it's a question of mindset. In a case where your children age and mature in the more expected fashion - that is to say, not needing special care above and beyond what *most* children require - you know that, someday, they will be big enough to take care of themselves. While your children growing older may cause some bittersweet tears, there's a so-called "light at the end of the tunnel" - the knowledge that one day they will fly the nest, and you'll be free - or free-er than you were when they were young.

However, when you're caring for an elderly, declining LO, that "light at the end of the tunnel" is an entirely different circumstance.

While you likely wouldn't feel guilty about saying "gee, I can't wait 'til our kids are grown and out of the house so we can come and go as we please", if you said the the same about an elderly LO, it would produce a much different reaction - from both you, as the caregiver, to the rest of the world who heard you say it.

I raised 5 kids. Compared to dealing with aging mothers, they were a cakewalk.

Kids grow up (too fast!) and are on their own in about 16-18 years. I've been dealing with cranky, angry mother & MIL for 30 years, and there's no end in sight. And while my kids get better and better, my 'mothers' both are falling to pieces and are nasty and angry a lot of the time.

Give me a 16 yo girl with raging hormones over a 90 yo diva any day.

Kim and Piper, I didn’t mention my son for any reason other than to point out that there can be lots of variation in children, some easier than others. Thank you both for acknowledging him, we most often find family and friends both don’t mention him at all. He has a complex medical story and we were once told there was a 50% chance we’d have him for a month. Yet he’s in his mid 20’s and doing well. I still struggle to adequately describe him. He’s a mix of fun, frustrating, grown, childlike, unreasonable, thoughtful, rude, has a huge need for sameness and no surprises, let’s just say a real mixed bag. But I’ll fully say that I’ve learned my greatest lessons through him and wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.

It's a no brainer... kids don't get Alzheimer's!!

Daughter1930, I'm glad your son is doing well, and you seem to be doing great with him too given your sentiments on his care journey with you. You are a loving mother. I wish you all the best with him.

In my case, eldercare is more difficult.  The first thing that came to mind is that, when my kids were toddlers, I could count on them to sleep through the night.  My oldest did go through a sleepwalking phase, but it was still early in the night when it would happen and I'd still be UP to deal with it.   A child going through a sleepwalking phase is small potatoes compared to an extreme-fall-risk elder who wanders at night, decides it's time for breakfast, tries to dress herself, etc.  I am grateful elder never tried to leave the house in the middle of the night - an attempt would have probably resulted in a fall.

Hands down, elder care unless the child has extreme special needs. Then it’s equal.

I do not think there is any benefit to a discussion about what is harder. That divides a family or friendship. Both are hard, but in different ways.

There is a far greater benefit to each of you acknowledging that the other is facing challenges and that you may or may not have any ability to relieve each other of your burdens. Empathy is important on both sides.

Also recognizing that you have both made choices, perhaps uninformed choices that have brought you to where you are now. I cannot imagine how hard it is to provide 24/7 to a parent and truth be told, I never will, because I refuse to do it. I do know the challenges of raising children.

Your Aunt did look after grandma 10 years ago, while raising her children, maintaining her home, marriage and caring for pets. She knows it was hard then.

What do you want from your Aunt, from us? You have brought your disagreement to a public forum. Are you looking for us to tell you, "you are right, she is wrong.", so you can go back and tell her she is wrong? Wrong about what?

Much much harder to care for an elder. Unless they are declared incompetent and you are guardian/conservator, then you cannot make them do much of anything that they refuse to do, no matter how necessary and sensible. With minor children, your authority would be much greater.

Kimmotion. Two comments here. Firstly I too had a relative who always said that every scenario she found herself in was worse for her than for others. It was a real drag. Eventually I just used to reply that she couldn't possibly make such comparisons, as she only had knowledge of her own experiences and not what others might be going through. My second comment: having been a parent as well as providing care for my mother I would just make the observation that children grow up and become less dependant, whereas elderly parents do not!

I would have to agree with others and have done both. They are both difficult but you can't force elders who are set in their ways to change and for us it got to the point where we just couldn't do it anymore and needed to a place that could better care for her, of course she thinks we are awful and just dumped her off which is the furthest thing from the truth but we also realize that she doesn't know half of what she is saying and won't remember it in 10 minutes.

That's a hard question. Depends on the person. My daughter put me through hell! She still does. She is horrible to me when i make her mad and she's verbally abusive to her oldest daughter. She is 34 and still gives me hell.

But that's a whole different ballgame than caring for the elderly. I tried to take care of my mother, I couldn't. Physically and mentally just couldn't. It along with my daughter, put me into a serious state of anxiety and depression.

Now my FIL is living with us. He has memory problems. I just can't stand him being in my house all the time. My husbands determined that we will take care of him until he gets to the point we physically can't and has to be in nursing care.

I think there is just no comparison so I wouldn't even talk about it, except to your therapist. So glad your getting help. I have been in counseling the better part of 30 years and I'm 53.

I’ve been a preschool teacher for over 25 years. One time I was in a classroom of 1 years olds. We had a total of 8 kids with myself and another teacher. I’d take dressing eight 1yr olds in full winter gear for outside time any day than elder care. I am my dad’s guardian and I do have him in a memory care facility which I’m so thankful for. My divorce 20 yrs ago and custody court hearing was really stressful, but again I feel that caring for my dad is 100x harder. I have a grown child now that also has serious lifelong medical issues to deal with and that’s still easier than my stuff with my parents.
I’m doing my best I guess, trying to not sweat the big stuff and just keep trucking forward.

the more infirm the elder is, the more demanding it will be for the caregiver--and it gets worse, not better. My mom's Alzheimer's was so severe she depended on me 100% on everything--even to get her bowels moved. I also had a feeding tube so she would not die of dehydration. She lived very comfortably and in peace, but it was a 24/7 job from the moment I woke up until I went to bed she really was a lot of work. Ironically mom died of other natural causes (she was insulin-dependent diabetic and had kidney disease from the diabetes, even with well controlled sugars), and had nothing to do with her Alzheimer's. Her feeding tube itself was a considerable amount of work to keep clean and flushed. Mom died age 90 after 15 years of Alzheimer's; the last 5 years were extremely hard on me. I kept her going as long as I could and walked her daily -- she was only bedridden for 3 months until she literally forgot how to stand up. Mom's skin was in perfect condition when she died. No sores anywhere. Two years of hospice but I used them as a home-visit clinic to renew her meds and do routine labs. Not once she ever needed psychotropics or narcotics. Even when dying she was very comfortable (hospice came over daily to make sure she was comfortable and not once used that emergency pack).

God I miss walking her in the park. I also miss taking her to the mall. She was on a wheel chair when I took her to the mall (she had her morning walk so that was okay!) and though she seemed to tune out I could tell she enjoyed it since she did better afterward. I would give my soul to the devil if I could just be with her again but that is never going to happen. Her death was over a year ago and it impacted my life and it is a struggle without her. You do caregiving for YEARS and YEARS and YEARS and YEARS and see what it does to your mind. I do manage to carry on. I'm working and back to school -- but I'm also going through the motions and there is not a single day that goes by I miss my mom. I accept her death because we all die but life is very empty without her.

I never regretting caregiving her. You only have one mom for all eternity and I can take that with me everyday of my life I took care of mum and never had to put her in a nursing home. Mom felt loved and secure in her home and she knew she was loved dearly.

What's even worse than either caring for an elderly relative or a child is caring for a spouse with a serious illness. My husband died from a malignant brain tumor at a relatively young age (68), and had been seriously ill for a while before that. Caring for him was nightmarish - even with the assistance of hospice. He wasn't aware of what his deficits were and resisted attempts to keep him safe. He was a strong six-foot guy, and I'm just over 5 feet - no way I could have done it alone, but the physical demands were overwhelming. Not to mention the emotional and mental demands of watching the man I had loved for over 40 years deteriorate mentally and physically.

I wonder if any two people have made the "switch" in reversing roles in caring for an elderly person and the other taking care of children, so each could decide which task is easier or more difficult. Perhaps siblings could do this for a while, and then compare notes. If so, their reactions would be interesting!

My husband and I took care of my mom for 5 yrs, and 3 months when she had Alzheimer's. I had tried forever to have baby, with no success. Caring for my mom was very difficult. As you say, changing a baby's diaper is 1 thing. Doing the same for an adult is something entirely different. The first scenario you expect; the second one, you don't. The same goes for watching their every move to keep them safe, helping to feed them, going down to their level of "intelligence," etc. I even wrote a book about our travails, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I was glad I could help my mom, but it was nothing like caring for kids. (I babysat enough, so I know). Well, in a way, it was like taking care of kids, which made it all the sadder. Hang in there.

I think one big difference is that children are always gaining new skills and that reason for joy and happiness. Caring for an elder, especially someone with Alzheimer’s, they are always losing skills and abilities and it’s cause for heartache and sadness.

31 yrs ago I married a man with 2 teenage boys and am 11 yr old daughter. He now has Alzheimer’s. While kids can be frustrating, I think they are a walk in the park compared to caring for a demented elderly. I thoroughly enjoyed the kids - even when they messed up big time. The situation with my husband’s dementia, however, is becoming untenable.

Elder care is like child rearing in reverse.

Raising kids is so much easier than caregiving my wife. I raised 1 special needs boy ( extreme ADHD) and I am currently raising a special teenage boy 18Y/O while caring for my wife (60Y/O) My son is also special needs, (many learning disabilities along with some development problems) but is super easy, very polite, and always thankful.

I've done both and Caregiving is deffiently by far harder.

With children it gets better with Seniors, it only gets worse.

Children grow and learn while the Senior gets dementia and doesn't remember.

Babies are much easier to change their diapers and not weigh so much as a Senior where everything is a strain and hurting your back,, trying to help them get up, go to the pot, change clothes, help get them to a shower or bed baths.

Even harder to get them to eat then a baby that opens their mouths like a baby bird.

My 96 yr old Dad is afraid to eat anything with substance as he thinks he will choke.

Takes him about an hour for him to eat and the whole time he'll adk what is it, what do I do know and unless you tell him to chew and swallow with every bite, he'll want to spit it out.

Tell your sister that you will be happy to change with her for one day and she'll think being a parent, especially to two teens is absolutely Nothing compared to a Caregiver.

She could leave the house anytime. Even over night or a week and her husband and teen daughters could survive with ease.

I truly believe there are multitudes of differing factors and circumstances in comparing the stresses of caregiving of children and adults. For me, raising two boys and teaching pre-kindergarten was much easier than being a caregiver to aging parents. There is no relational "history" with children for the most part. As a parent of children, you still have "more" daily control...teenagers included! I still have a teenager at home. As a teacher, the children return home in the afternoons and there are regular breaks from them. Personally, it is like comparing apples and oranges. It is interesting how some individuals fail to filter situations and always "believe" they have the most difficult tasks...until they truly walk in another's shoes for a significant period of time. Again, there are so many issues to consider. However, even in my 50's, teaching 4 year old children is tiring, but less taxing than the constant care of an adult.

It's not a contest. They're both hard. I did them at the same time and they were both hard, but different. Circumstances are different too. My mother who was cognizant, aware and very appreciative often brought me a lot more joy than my teenagers! Trust me, teenagers are not cute! Yes, they hopefully get better where olders get worse, but they can cause a tremendous amount of stress. I love my kids, but the teen years are tough. Caregiving, as you know has it's own limitless supply of stress. They are both hard.
You're feeling like your aunt is dismissive of the work you are doing. Don't worry about her or compare to her. Make your own decisions, your own boundaries and value your own hard work taking care of your grandmother.
I will say, as a parent, raising kids is so hard and you don't know how hard until you do it. VERY much like being a caregiver. In that way, they are similar.

It definitely depends on the individuals involved. My 96 yr old dad who lives with us is amazingly easy. He is thankfully extremely healthy, mostly sleeps, never complains, eats when we do and so far has none of the problems you have described. Whereas my daughter when she was a teenager...wow!