Sorry for the rhetorical question, but I truly need to vent!
I call my mother twice a day, every day. (I know!! Please no criticism! I'm trying my best to be comforting during quarantine!)
This morning as usual, my Mom was complaining about everything.
I suggested she get in her scooter and take a spin around her building.
Somehow she twisted that into a lecture! I explained it was a suggestion and it might do her good to get out of her room. She hung up on me.
I bit the bullet and called her this evening.
I told her we needed to talk. I tried to explain my frustration that she isn't willing to do anything to help herself. I brought up the fact that she is unwilling to take antidepressants or seek counseling. I told her that while I try to listen to every complaint, I am only human and have a lot of my own issues that I am dealing with. I told her that I am not her therapist. I am her daughter!!
I told her that I don't know what to talk to her about, because how are you, meals, weather, what are you up to, the facility are all off limits.
Her response was that I am "b**chy" and "then don't call me "!
While I understand that the quarantine has been so hard on her, I can't wrap my head around how a Mother could be so cruel to her daughter that has been dealing with cancer and had major spine surgery 2 weeks ago. Which is just the tip of the iceberg.
I doubt it will sink in that right now she needs me more than I need her, but I will not call her!
The old adage "You can't help someone that won't help themselves " is totally true!
It breaks my heart to feel it will be a relief when she passes.
Before you judge me for my statement, she has been miserable for as long as I can remember. And despite my best efforts, I have never been able to make her happy or contented!
I am human and I am over it!
God bless all of us that are giving all, and getting garbage in return!!
Our rewards will come later!!
Yay! I love the blocking feature on my phone! Except it doesn’t work as well for spam texts and calls due to robo calling. I’ve even put an app on my phone and they still occur. Grrrrr. Good for you to block FB too.
Yes, it’s painful because we want loving relationships that are harmonious. Unfortunately we don’t always get what we desire.
Best wishes to you. Take care.
I got sucked into the pissing contest for awhile, but ended it with "I'm sorry that I have been such a disappointment to you " and then promptly blocked her number and blocked her on FB.
Although it's painful to cut her off,
I know this is what's best at this point.
My heart aches, but my mind is at ease!!
Once again, you're absolutely on point!
I guess my question is, at what point do we throw in the towel?
When your LO refuses help at every turn, when do we pull the plug?
I know it's a personal matter !
It's so disheartening and troubling to realize that they are unwilling to help themselves!
I have listened and heard things since I was 12 years old that NO 12 year old should ever have to hear.
My heart aches, but my soul feels justified!
I just got off the phone with my brother in Colorado. Apparently she wants to move back there.
Hallelujah!!
I'm done with quilt!
You all hit the nail on the head!!
She sent me an email with an article about osteoporosis and how suffers should set boundaries.
I responded that was fine, however, she can't complain to me day after day and not expect me to offer advice. I also told her again that I am not "A Whipping boy "! And if I didn't love her, I wouldn't say Jack!
Then I sent her an article about the affect of depression on back pain. It discusses how the use of antidepressants and psychotherapy can help to lessen back pain. Antidepressants actually work with the neurotransmitters that send pain messages to the body.
I have no doubt that she is seething mad, but I have had enough!!
It has been a quiet day with no drama other than my diminishing anger at her.
Hopefully she will take some of it to heart.
Doubtful I know, but I will continue my prayers.
Thank you all for your support and kindness!!
Now I call her once a day. If we argue and she tells me not to call her, I don't. I wait for HER to call ME. Works out just fine.
I accept the fact that I can't make my mother happy or content. I accept the fact that my mother loves misery so much, she invites it over to visit 100x a day. I also accept the fact that I AM human and have to look out for ME while others are looking out for HER.
Please do the same, ok? Our mothers WILL live to be 100. The question is, will we die young falling all over ourselves to 'fix' what's broken with THEM?
Make her make the 1st call. She needs to see that you are important to her life and that she needs you and not the other way around.
My dad pulled the same stunt, it's manipulative and ignorant behavior. I didn't talk to him for 5 years and when he started telling family that he would sure like to talk to me, I made it crystal clear that he was the one that said to never call him again and he will be the one to make amends. I would handle it the exact same way if he pulled it again today.
Your heart matters and she doesn't deserve free access to continually hurt it. You don't need the stress of her ugliness. Not ever but, especially now when you need love and support for your healing.
Her choices have just brought the consequences to her life. Let her figure it all out, step back and don't do anything for her, nothing, nada! This is the only way for her to see the consequences of her words. If you still do everything for her she hasn't lost anything except her scratching post.
Prayers for strength to step back and let her see the reality.
Since there are NO WINNERS in what’s happening in this dynamic, STOP DOING IT, DON’T CALL, and DON’T TAKE CALLS FROM HER.
Nobody is capable of comforting anybody during this quarantine. Let go! Let go for yourself AND FOR HER.
Continuing to call mom reinforces her bad behavior.
I would try "Gray Rock" technique.
Accept no calls. Make no calls (unless to supportive people). Take a nice walk & enjoy the sound of the birds instead.
When the phone rings - blow a raspberry at it & leave it ringing 😁
(((Hugs))) to you. Safely socially distanced of course!
I think you made the right decision. I can’t add anything to what you have written.
Take care, enjoy your well deserved break!