When your narcissistic LO tells you not to call them!

No judgment here. Take a break! Don’t call her.

I think you made the right decision. I can’t add anything to what you have written.

Take care, enjoy your well deserved break!

Congrats Xray, you have just won yourself a phone holiday! 🍹🌴🌳🌻.

Accept no calls. Make no calls (unless to supportive people). Take a nice walk & enjoy the sound of the birds instead.

When the phone rings - blow a raspberry at it & leave it ringing 😁

(((Hugs))) to you. Safely socially distanced of course!

Jodi, glad you are past your surgery! You deserve a break.

Continuing to call mom reinforces her bad behavior.

I would try "Gray Rock" technique.

You cannot make someone else happy. Take care of yourself.

All of your guilt, compassion, second guessing, suggestions, and above all, your efforts, have resulted in no positive effect on your LO, and also NO POSITIVE EFFECT ON YOU!

Since there are NO WINNERS in what’s happening in this dynamic, STOP DOING IT, DON’T CALL, and DON’T TAKE CALLS FROM HER.

Nobody is capable of comforting anybody during this quarantine. Let go! Let go for yourself AND FOR HER.

Amen Beatty!!

Oh Jodi, I am sorry that she has kicked you while you are down. She sounds utterly vile and you should listen to her. Do not call her again.

Make her make the 1st call. She needs to see that you are important to her life and that she needs you and not the other way around.

My dad pulled the same stunt, it's manipulative and ignorant behavior. I didn't talk to him for 5 years and when he started telling family that he would sure like to talk to me, I made it crystal clear that he was the one that said to never call him again and he will be the one to make amends. I would handle it the exact same way if he pulled it again today.

Your heart matters and she doesn't deserve free access to continually hurt it. You don't need the stress of her ugliness. Not ever but, especially now when you need love and support for your healing.

Her choices have just brought the consequences to her life. Let her figure it all out, step back and don't do anything for her, nothing, nada! This is the only way for her to see the consequences of her words. If you still do everything for her she hasn't lost anything except her scratching post.

Prayers for strength to step back and let her see the reality.

Jodi, so sorry. But you do know her and who she is. So overall it isn't so much that this is any surprise, it is simply that you just can't take it right now; you have enough on your plate for another dollop of THAT. Just tell Mom gently, that yes, right now it is you who needs some things, some cheer, some gentleness, and in effort toward that you are going to call her once a day now, and the call will be shorter or longer, dependent on how "she's feeling that day". Your Mom isn't going to change at this late stage, so give yourself some relief. And some healing. And you know, when she complains? Don't make suggestions. Like many who yell at us on forum, saying "I was just VENTING, and I don't WANT your advice", Mom is just venting, telling you what she has ALWAYS told you, that she is a miserable person. You can't fix that. And she won't be fixing it at this late stage. She's very lucky to have you. I am an atheist. I don't look forward to being anything but leaf mulch. So I make my heaven right here right now, and Mom wouldn't/sadly couldn't be a part of that. Tell the old gal that she's lucky you are making Stars for your Crown. (Love that hymn as did my Dad, and the old Joel McCrea movie). Watch some comedies and laugh, and HEAL. Do HEAL.

Listen, no judgement from me, that's for sure! My mother is very similar, and calling her twice a day was literally killing ME, so I quit doing it one day after my daughter said HEY MA, WHY ARE YOU CALLING GMA TWICE A DAY, ARE YOU NUTS? LOL. Uh, yeah, I think I had taken temporary leave of my sanity. But I was trying to 'do the right thing', much as you are, and getting stomach ulcers as a result. And SHE wasn't getting much of a benefit from my calls, either, I might add. I think I bring out the worst in her, frankly. When she hears my voice, her complaining meter goes up and the argumentative meter shoots WAY up and it's a big fat mess. In reality, she's better off NOT talking to me all the time and talking to the 'wonderful girls' in the ALF she gets along with so much better because they all loooooooooove her so much.

Now I call her once a day. If we argue and she tells me not to call her, I don't. I wait for HER to call ME. Works out just fine.

I accept the fact that I can't make my mother happy or content. I accept the fact that my mother loves misery so much, she invites it over to visit 100x a day. I also accept the fact that I AM human and have to look out for ME while others are looking out for HER.

Please do the same, ok? Our mothers WILL live to be 100. The question is, will we die young falling all over ourselves to 'fix' what's broken with THEM?

Lealonie1, Alvadeer and ITRR,
You all hit the nail on the head!!

She sent me an email with an article about osteoporosis and how suffers should set boundaries.

I responded that was fine, however, she can't complain to me day after day and not expect me to offer advice. I also told her again that I am not "A Whipping boy "! And if I didn't love her, I wouldn't say Jack!

Then I sent her an article about the affect of depression on back pain. It discusses how the use of antidepressants and psychotherapy can help to lessen back pain. Antidepressants actually work with the neurotransmitters that send pain messages to the body.

I have no doubt that she is seething mad, but I have had enough!!

It has been a quiet day with no drama other than my diminishing anger at her.

Hopefully she will take some of it to heart.

Doubtful I know, but I will continue my prayers.

Thank you all for your support and kindness!!

I said this on another post just now, and it bears repeating here: my mother is not looking for 'solutions'.........she's looking for a willing ear to complain into!

Lealonie1,
Once again, you're absolutely on point!

I guess my question is, at what point do we throw in the towel?

When your LO refuses help at every turn, when do we pull the plug?

I know it's a personal matter !

It's so disheartening and troubling to realize that they are unwilling to help themselves!

I have listened and heard things since I was 12 years old that NO 12 year old should ever have to hear.

My heart aches, but my soul feels justified!

I just got off the phone with my brother in Colorado. Apparently she wants to move back there.
Hallelujah!!

I'm done with quilt!

When your narcissistic LO tells you not to call them, don't call them! Resist the impulse to just "check in on her." 'Cuz if you do, the whole complaining cycle starts all over again! Don't be her barf bucket! Focus on your own needs xrayjodib!

Mom didn't call, but has been texting me nasty text all day.

I got sucked into the pissing contest for awhile, but ended it with "I'm sorry that I have been such a disappointment to you " and then promptly blocked her number and blocked her on FB.

Although it's painful to cut her off,
I know this is what's best at this point.

My heart aches, but my mind is at ease!!

Jodi,

Yay! I love the blocking feature on my phone! Except it doesn’t work as well for spam texts and calls due to robo calling. I’ve even put an app on my phone and they still occur. Grrrrr. Good for you to block FB too.

Yes, it’s painful because we want loving relationships that are harmonious. Unfortunately we don’t always get what we desire.

Best wishes to you. Take care.

Jodi good for you for standing up for yourself!

I have to admit, when I saw you say this:

"She sent me an email with an article about osteoporosis and how suffers should set boundaries." I laughed so hard!!! Nothing like a NARC telling their VICTIM they need boundaries in place for THEMSELVES! LMAO!

These narc mothers are just too much. Send her one of the MANY articles out there about needing boundaries with Narc parents! Actually, just ignore her. Good deal on the blocking. When you finally do speak with her tell her that was one of the boundaries she needed for her osteoporosis.

Yeah, hopefully she moves to Colorado! Fingers crossed for you!

Here's to hoping that she moves to Colorado!

I would honor her boundaries and go total radio silence.

I know that it hurts your heart but, you matter as much as she does and her actions are not okay anyway you look at it. She obviously doesn't have what you desire from her. I am sorry that you got one of those mthrs.

If I was near you I would fix your favorite meal, tuck you under a comfy quilt and hold you in my arms while I told you all the beautiful things that you are and how much you mean to those that truly love you. Then we would find all the joyous memories and plan anything that brings laughter to your heart, because you are special and you deserve to be treated special.

Great big warm hug! You are going to get through this situation and you are going to be stronger than before. God bless and keep you under HIS wing while you heal, your body and heart.🤗🤗🤗

It sounds like, based on your title that intellectually you understand that your Narcissistic mother is abnormal, and that she has NEVER been like other mothers.

BUT you're at a cross-roads, since normal mothers are considerate, whilst, your mother, instead, chooses to be "cruel." It's an incredibly difficult scenario to understand, it's even worse when you're the recipient of a narcissistic mother's psychologically abusive manipulations.

Ongoing research into the narcissist personality disorder, indicates that those with NPD such as, your mother, will never change; which means, she has and always will see her actions and opinions as superior to everyone else's.

I'll go ahead and guess that she has never interacted with you in a truly loving manner, BUT interacted with others as you always wished she would interact with you.
Unfortunately, narcissistic personalities tend to berate their scapegoated children, and even worse will often covertly sabotage the lives of their (adult) children.
When sons and daughters of that wicked personality type, stop going along with their mother's nonsense, their Narcissistic mothers will delete their non-compliant children from their lives.

It's always an either/or (on/off) situation in the mind's of NPD individuals; you're either on the side of the Narcissistic personality or you're not, which results in eventual eviction from their NPD lives.

If this is the first time you've stood up to your mother, she is expecting you to grovel to her for her forgiveness.

Unfortunately, Narcissistic personalities will slander their children throughout their children's lives, which means she has been telling everyone for years that you're THE problem, which means right now she will be telling whomever that you told her ...what she said to you...

Narcissistic personalities will ALWAYS LIE, to always appear as the good person. when in truth they have been psychologically manipulating (abusing) their (now-adult) children, for years.

Sadly, there is really no easy fix, nor solution; but the only action that typically works, is dropping all contact, which she has told you (given you permission) to do...

No contact, helps protect you from her psychological abuse ... until she dies and leaves you nothing in her "Will."

Unfortunately the most cunning narcissistic mothers will deliberately ruin their daughter's lives, by contacting whomever they can to interfere with employment, marriage, college, etc.

So sorry that you've experienced cruelty from her. A silent separation might be best ... if you choose to drop all contact keep that decision protected, otherwise she will use that decision against you 100%.

Screennamed,
You're dead on!!
In her text, she told me that the staff at her ALF treat her better than I do.
I spoke with my brother in California tonight and he told me that she is devastated by my No Contact. She says she completely understands all of my concerns for her and why I might be tired of listening to her problems etc...
Again, that's the polar opposite of what she said to me.
As the over pleasers, this is an extremely hard thing to stick to!!
I will confess that the last couple days have been much more peaceful.
I suspect if I stay the course, she will decide to move back to Colorado!
Fingers crossed!!
Thank you so much for your amazing insight!!

Xray,

It is interesting how our moms can say one thing to others and something different to us. What did your brother think when your mom said what she said to him? Did he feel that she was sincere or was he not interested in buying any of it? Does he feel it was a ploy to get him to feel as if she was concerned about you?

My mom did that constantly with me. She would say different things to different siblings. Of course, the siblings weren't around when she said cruel things to me and unfortunately my brothers bought into everything that my mom told them.

Very rarely would she admit she said something to me and suddenly she would have 'selective' memory and forget all about it whenever she wanted to pretend it didn't happen. You have every right to be frustrated. It can be infuriating if we let it get the best of us. I had a hard time dealing with these issues which is why my blood pressure meds doubled.

My mother's issue is that she is that she has always been an extreme perfectionist. Perfectionists hate to make mistakes and don't tolerate others being imperfect, so quite often they make themselves and those around them miserable. I never quite caught the hang of tuning it out because it was constant. It's easier to tune out something that happens infrequently.

Since my mom moved out and now lives with my 'know it all' brother my bp meds are at a lower dosage again.

Wishing you peace and joy.

I am having yet another sleepless night about my own mother’s behaviour, saw your post and really identified with it. It seems that you’ve been able to analyse your mother’s behaviour, which is a great step forward. Of course she didn’t like to hear you tell her a few home truths, and will likely try to twist the situation to others, painting you as the villain. You’ve done the right thing in deciding not to call her. You will never be able to do anything right for her so don’t bother trying. From what you’ve said about your recent health issues, you really need to focus on yourself right now. In my experience, every time I had a personal problem sometime, health or otherwise, my mother would become more demanding about her own wants. You just don’t need that right now. From your later posts I can read that you’re already starting to feel the benefits of cutting contact. Stay firm and focus on getting yourself better. If it helps, you could set yourself a target of going absolutely no contact for say the next 4 weeks, no matter what happens, and then keep extending this by another few weeks, and so on. Expect the drama, lies and hysterical behaviour to ramp up, but ignore it and don’t get sucked into your mother’s toxic games. Sending you support and best wishes.

I had a good friend once. Huge fun, wild, assertive. As time went on I realised it was all about her. When I had a cold, she had the worst ever flu. When my Grandmother was ill, hers had died (probably by a long drawn out illness). The chilling thing was seeing when someone said no to her. They became enemy no 1.

I have long since cut her out of my life, but I have forgiven her. The daughter of an alcoholic, She did the best she could I suppose. She kept getting hurt that people left her, then I became one too - but it was for my own good.

This was a friend, not a close relative. I can't imagine how much energy a.close relationship with this personality type would take.

Solid steel boundaries? Phone call once a week? Shortish visit once a month?

I remember she told me she used to yell at her (young) daughter how she caused so much pain during labour... asked me if I did that too. I said no, I blamed it on human anatomy. That daughter must be grown up now - hope she is ok 🙄

Hugs to all who share their lives with this personality type.

Jodi; Please realize that by telling your brother how "hurt" she is, playing the victim (as narcissists ALWAYS do), she is playing you. This is always going to be in her game book if you buy into it and start calling again.

Stand firm, let her move back to Colorado. Then you can call her once a week or so and hear how badly your brother treats her!

Good on you for blocking her number. After major surgery and cancer, the last thing you need in your life is stress manufactured by your mother. And she will keep manufacturing it as long as she lives. She loves to complain - it gets her sympathy from people - and it keeps her going.

Your mother thinks of herself as the victim. That is what narcissists do. They portray themselves as reasonable people to others - i.e. your brother - so that they garner sympathy. You seem to have realized that your mother is beyond help from you.

Do not involve yourself in a move to Colorado - or anywhere else for that matter. If your brother lets her move there, that's his *choice* and he will have to sort things out for himself. He will have to establish healthy boundaries for himself.

Mothers such as yours have a warped sense of how to treat people especially other women, and that includes their daughters - like you! You matter and the only person who can protect you from further hurt by your mother is you. Peace, Xray.

All of you are 100 percent on point!!
I became aware that my mother was trash talking about me to my brothers about 6 months ago. I was angry, but couldn't help but laugh!
She complained to me that my younger brother wasn't calling her. He started calling her on his way home from work. Then she complained to me that "on the way home from work was an afterthought "! She cried over it!
Judge Millian has a saying. NONE ARE SO BLIND AS THOSE WHO WILL NOT HEAR!!
I love that one!!
Thanks so much for all your support and kindness!!!
(((Hugs))) to you all!!!

It's been almost one week since I went NC with Mom.
I have been having conflicting emotions about it.
How can you love someone yet hate the things they do and say to you??
So I decided to go back and reread her text messages from last week.
It was eye opening!!
It solidifies my resolve to continue NC, however, now I am desperately trying to push away the guilt!!
Seems stupid I know, but I imagine if you have ever had to cut ties with your Mother, you totally understand!
Tomorrow I will seek a psychologist instead of my counselor. He truly helped me tremendously, but I feel that I need more help than he can offer.
It's not always so easy to ban someone from your life who is toxic! Especially when it's your Mother.

I don’t feel like your feelings are uncommon. I think many of us have had love/hate relationships with family members.

I also think it’s normal to care about someone but despise their behavior.

Conflicting emotions can become complicated and confusing.

Good to hear that you are getting some professional help. They will help you to further understand your emotions, and support you in your NC decision. Stay strong and firm about the choices you have made!

dear xray,
:)

sending you new year hugs!!

i hope you’re doing well!

i read many posts here, on this thread. again, i want to say thank you to everyone on this forum.

many of our situations are similar, and hence many posts are useful for multiple people. it’s been very useful for me.

i wish us well!

continue to seek a life without abuse!
we want to do the right thing (i.e. help/care for narcs). we must also protect ourselves (i.e. not allow any abuse).

hug!
to freedom from narcs.

bundleofjoy

I'm 'divorced' from my MIL as of last April/May.

Just couldn't take the abuse anymore. I'd sit there (or rather, stand, she often wouldn't allow me to sit down) like a stupid dog. She'd direct a question at me, as I was answering, DH would pipe up with a query about the computer (or whatever else he was fixing) and if I was talking when he talked, she would literally scream at me, holding her head like it would explode. She'd scream at me to shut up! Shut UP! Dh never said a word.

Both Dh and MIL are quite deaf and opt to not wear their hearing aids most of the time. That didn't help.

The last time I saw my MIL--it just hit me that I was simply allowing her to abuse me, and DH was enjoying not being in the line of fire.

I told her I was giving her the last gift I'd ever give her: that she never had to see or speak to me ever again. Slapped her on the back, swiped a Diet Coke from the fridge and SLAMMED the back door on my way out.

I would be lying if I said this hasn't had repercussions--my Dh is kind of angry with me about it and thinks I behaved like a child--BUT, the truth is, she hates me and always has.

I don't hate her. I actually feel very, very, very sorry for her. She has had an angry, mean life and that's not something I'd wish on anyone.

I feel sorry for my SIL who has to shoulder almost ALL the burdens now--MIL got mad at DH a few months ago and told him to go to hell---and he took it pretty seriously. They'll 'make up' but he hates, hates, hates spending time with her.

Such a sad, cautionary tale about choice and accountability for our actions.