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Not asking a question, just venting. My mother is 82 and my 58 year old brother lives with her. She is so negative about everything except him. He does no wrong, even though he is a thief. She locks her purse up because he will steal money if she doesn’t, but if I say something about it she changes the subject. She has something negative to say about everything and everybody. My best friend’s daughter in law posted a picture of her 3 month old son in a carved out pumpkin and my mom commented how stupid it was! I thought it was adorable. She depends on me for everything and has no problem telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. When I was a young mom and needed her help I admit I consulted her about everything but now I think I’m capable of making my own decisions (I’m 48). She’s not going to change and I really can’t distance myself from her, so how can I deal with her negativity without it making me negative!

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Are you not taking some of this more seriously than you need to, or than she means it? I mean if you had a friend and showed a picture of the kid in the pumpkin, and the friend said "That's stupid!" Would you not just say "Oh...I think it is ADORABLE" and then get on with life. I think the parent-child stuff is some of the most difficult we go through in our lives. I think we sometimes, with close proximity, continue it well into the time when we are no longer parents of a young one and when we are too old ourselves to get so pushed by our parents judgements.
I guess if, at 48, this was so troublesome to me I WOULD distance myself from it. It is keeping you a young child with a judgemental parent. She can't stop and you can't stop, so distance may be the only answer. I don't see "counseling" as anything that could help.
Your Mom is likely not a whole lot different in how she treats her kids than she ever was, nor you in your reaction. But it may be time now in midlife to have your OWN life. I would begin to explore the options for Mom. She can be judgemental of friends at her ALF as well as in your home; heaven knows my bro is. They all bicker like a bunch of 60s hippies at a commune. It isn't easy to live with others, no matter the relationship.
Wishing you good luck. While she is with you try not to take it so seriously. You are two different people who see the world in two different ways and no one is going to change overmuch at this point. Hugs.
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It sounds like they aren't working. Have you talked to her psychiatrist? Some folks need a second med, or a change of meds.
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She’s been on anti depressants for years.
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Is your mother's depression being treated?
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My mom does everything for herself. She cooks, cleans her own house, still drives, etc, but when she needs something, like being taken to the eye dr because they are going to dialate her eyes, instead of asking him to take her, she asks me. I am taking a vacation day to do it, which isn’t a huge deal since I have to take the time before the end of the year, but I have ALWAYS done everything for her and my dad (who passed away 6 yrs ago) when it comes to health issues, of which there have been numerous over the years. My brothers have done next to nothing. The one that lives with her she will occasionally say something to him but she is so intimidated by the oldest one she would cut her tongue out before she would say anything to him. She’ll bitch non stop to me about them, though. I guess the reason I do what I do is because I feel obligated to her for all the years she helped me emotionally and financially after I was widowed when my son was 12. She wasn’t like this when my dad was alive because I think he kept her in line, so to speak, as far as her attitude. Now that he is gone she feels like she can say anything to me and I shouldn’t get upset about it. I guess I should be thankful my brother lives with her because I sure as he’ll couldn’t!
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First, her darling son should be doing for her. Bet he lives there rent free.
Its time to set boundries. Do you have a family, if so, thats ur main priority. Does brother drive? If so, no reason he can't take Mom grocery shopping or do it for her. He eats the food. He can run a sweeper, dust, do simple cooking and do wash. Keep the house straightened up. You can alternate taking her to doctor visits. Just because your the daughter, does not mean ur the slave.

My Mom was a sweetie but I worked, one wk on, one wk off. We set up a day a week for grocery shopping and running errands. Usually having lunch out. I put a white board on her frig where she was to write down what she needed. I live close so going to the pharmacy was no problem when she needed meds. She had friends who took her to Church functions and other outings.

If she questions why ur doing something a certain way, tell her u have found that for u its a better way. So she doesn't make comments about ur life, learn to not say anything that she can criticize. I know, this will be hard because ur trying to make conversation. If she gets started, explain that you no longer will take her criticism. That if she continues, you will just leave. She will get indignant or even mad. Stick by ur guns and leave.

If she asks u to do something and brother can do it, tell her. She probably did for him, its time he paid her back. I would certainly not wait on him. He is a big boy.
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You deal with her negativity by not feeding it, not responding to it.

If you wish to continue to aid your mother in the codependency dance she has going on with your brother, keep helping, but make no responses and don't expect any gratitude. If you are helping her because YOU need to for your own feelings of selflessness, then do so. Just do so in the firm knowledge that neither she nor your brother will change.

You can also refuse to "dance" with them. Let your mother find her care elsewhere.
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First question, Why are you providing care, when your brother lives with her?

Second Question, Have you done any work on setting boundaries?

Third Question, What do you think will happen if you walk away or hang up each and every time she is negative?

Four, Why can you not distance yourself from her?

If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, someone would have to step up to the plate.
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