I had a strong desire to call my mom today.
I haven’t called mom very frequently, no more than once a week because I needed time for myself to adjust after my caregiver days ended.
Then as most of you know, my husband got prostate cancer so naturally my heart was first and foremost with him.
He is the love of my life. Next month we will celebrate 43 years of marriage.
As most of you know, my brothers and I have a strained relationship.
I took care of mom for 20 years all alone as the primary caregiver, 15 years in my home and was heading for completely burning out. I tried to involve my brothers in mom’s care but they weren’t interested in anything but themselves.
When my brothers were involved it was to criticize me because mom had a habit of stirring the pot, which caused stress for everyone.
I got fed up and told my mom to go live with my brother and sister in law. I had done more than my share.
Needless to say, this is never the relationship that anyone wishes to have with family members. I always desired to live in harmony.
Sometimes family dynamics evolve into complex situations filled with a mixed bag of emotions.
I don’t know how I managed to be the primary caregiver for as long as I did. Parkinson’s disease is brutal.
I also cared for my oldest brother and dad before they died. I have seen so much sadness in my life due to various issues.
It changed me watching my mother suffer endlessly. I lived in depression and had enormous anxiety as a primary caregiver without help.
My brother answered the phone when I called mom today.
He told me that mom is now bed bound in a hospice facility. I feel relieved that she is now in a facility. It’s truly for the best.
One of our long time posters (Lealonnie) comforted me throughout my entire caregiving and afterwards. I will forever be grateful. She has a heart of gold and truly understands suffering. She told me that my brother would see what I went through with my mom as he cared for her in his home. She was 100 percent correct!
We needed distance from each other in order for healing to occur. He apologized to me and said, “I now know what you went through. I am so sorry that I wasn’t a brother for you to talk to. I was wrong and should have supported you.” I cried so hard hearing these words.
When he took over mom’s care I did not interfere as he did with me. Mom would never complain to me about him because she is very old fashioned and won’t criticize a man. It’s common for some women in mom’s era to feel like the man has authority over women. Mom is 95.
I am so grateful for everyone on this forum. You have helped me more than you know. I can’t list everyone because the list would be too long but I hope you know how much I have appreciated your help.
This is a very emotional time for me. I will be going to see my mom very soon.
Maybe part of my being uneasy is the fear of being alone with her when she dies.
I’ve never seen someone die before. I think that I am somewhat frightened by it.
I will tell my girls. I am going to wait until later today. I am not up to it right now. You’re right, they have decisions to make and I should give them the time to do so.
I know that it couldn’t have been easy for you either. If I remember correctly, your mom was in her 90’s too. It’s been a long journey!
I was with my mom at the end (hadn't planned it thst wsy, it just happened. By dear SIL was there as well, because I wouldn't have handled it well by myself.
Play music for your mom when you go, especially stuff from her childhood, teen and dating years. And opera, if she is a buff.
I would call both your daughters and simply tell them what the nurse is tellung you (I would wait to hear it direcly from the nurse yourself). Do they want yo see Gma one last time? That is up to them. Distance, in the case of your daughter in Colorado may mean she needs to make a choice between coming home now OR coming home for the funeral.
Please keep in touch here and don't feel like you are a broken record. I basically posted my mom's last 3 days on here in real time; I took such comfort in reassurance from others.
(((((Hugs)))))).
I know that I sound like a broken record but it makes me feel better knowing that I have support from people who have gone through this or going through it now.
My brother just called and told me quite a bit of what mom’s nurse told him this morning. As you know we have to rotate our visits due to only two at the time because of Covid.
My brother was there this morning and I am going later today after lunch.
I am too upset now to go into details. I’m still trying to process her condition. I hate that she has this dreadful disease.
Basically, the nurse has said that in her experience of seeing patients like mom in end stage Parkinson’s disease, she most likely has about two weeks left.
The hospice staff is amazing and I honestly don’t know what we would do without them.
I don’t know how all of you have gotten through seeing their loved ones going through serious medical conditions while they are at home.
My heart breaks for all of you because I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to do that. I don’t know if I would have the emotional or physical strength to do it at home.
I had a difficult time with my emotions when mom was living with me. It’s devastating to constantly see them suffer.
All of you are certainly in my prayers.
Please tell me that I am going to get through this period without falling apart. I find myself crying more and more.
I don’t know exactly what I am afraid of. Does that make sense? When daddy died I had mom. Now, I find myself feeling lost.
I know it’s her time and that we all must face our mortality one day but it isn’t easy to face losing those we love. I keep telling myself that mom is ready. I surely hope that I am correct.
Also, my girls are so sensitive. They adore her. My oldest daughter has health issues and I don’t want to make her feel badly about not being with her grandmother due to her health issues.
My youngest one moved out of state and very busy with work.
Yet, I don’t want time to slip away and not tell them about their grandmother’s decline and have it be a shock or have them feel like I left them out.
Please tell me how you handled the grandchildren issues with your parents. I could use some of your suggestions regarding your experience.
Thanks so much for listening to me.
All my love to each and every one of you!
I wish you peace in your future I know that many of us on this forum will be thinking of you.
I just laid down in my bed. I am going to try and rest.
I understand that you had a more difficult time with your mom than your dad.
This seems to be true for me too. I am struggling with this. I am going to try to find more strength to carry on.
Thanks again. I am tired and hopefully will get a decent night’s sleep.
My mother had her stroke when I found her on a Tuesday. By Friday she was in a coma and just after midnight she was pronounced dead. I didn’t know she was going to leave me so fast. I was just at her house talking to her on Sunday. By Tuesday her stroke had done brain damage and she didn’t even know my name. I still kept telling her I loved her even though she didn’t know where she was or who I was and didn’t know my son or my husband. When she was in her coma that Friday, I practically crawled in bed with her. I was sobbing and had half my body laying on her snd hugging her and kissing her cheeks and forehead. The nurses assured me she could hear me and I wanted to let her know that she wasn’t alone. My brother then came up at 4pm to sit and talk to her too. It was just so much harder this time around because it happened so fast. I really wasn’t prepared.
You’ll know when the end is here because she will stop eating, and talking and eventually go into a coma. But be assured when that happens she can still hear you. So always keep talking to her. Just let her know she’s not alone. I wish I could say that it was easy, but I just want to be honest and say, it’s not easy. Just to be there at the end and letting her know she’s not alone, she will be at peace and then you will be too. Hugs and prayers going out to you during this incredibly difficult time.
Please tell me since you went through this recently.
Did you find this time harder than you anticipated?
I kept telling myself that I was prepared. Now I find myself shaking, barely eating.
Well, I guess that part is just me. I don’t feel like eating when I am down or when I feel anxious.
I so appreciate your warmth during this time.
We are in the car on the way to see her now. It’s been so nasty here. Lots of rain!
We gave him morphine when he was no longer able to speak, eat, move, etc. We did the same with my mom. We gave her morphine when she was no longer able to speak, eat, move etc.
Big hugs to you!!!
Thank you. I couldn’t even put into words exactly how I feel.
You said it for me. It is truly a ‘non issue’ as you say. I suppose it is satisfying for her to feel in control as of now.
This does help me understand my situation a little better.
I appreciate your kindness.
Thanks, it is hard knowing exactly how to feel right now.
Golden,
Mom is suffering some and I have seen her telling her nurse that she isn’t in pain but she is.
My brother (deceased) was hooked on opioids just about his whole life!
My poor mom, at 95 and in hospice is afraid of being addicted. It breaks my heart.
She has refused her liquid morphine. The pills that they are giving her aren’t relieving all of her pain.
I’m upset. I don’t know what exactly to say to calm her fear about addiction.
I hope you are right. I hope my dad did visit my mom today. Thanks, your message made me feel better.
Mipollito and Elaine,
Thanks for your encouraging words. They mean a lot to me.
Daddy died in 2002! I wonder if she was dreaming of him.
She has slept so much today. She barely ate. She had a little soup.
She is on some pain meds now. I guess that’s one reason why she has been so sleepy today.
It’s really hard to see her decline like this. I hate to cry when I am driving. I usually sit in my car for a bit before driving home.
Thanks so much. I will take all the hugs and prayers that I get right now.
I have my days where I feel I am doing fairly well and other days that I am down.
I smiled when I saw your message. It is hard to see mom fading away.
Thank you.
Yeah, her appetite seems to be good.
I love her nurses and caregivers so I am hoping that they will figure it out.
I want her to be as comfortable as she can be.
Have any of you experienced issues with catheters?
I’ve never had a UTI before, nor has my mom. Just wondering what it involves.
My daughter got one many years ago. I saw her becoming very uncomfortable. I took her to the pediatrician.
It was a different pediatrician because my regular one was out. I didn’t like the one filling in. He was blowing me off and treated me like an overprotective mom so I made an appointment with a urologist for her.
Yep, she had an UTI. He gave her antibiotics and it cleared up. The urologist said it was caused by wearing a wet swimsuit too long.
After that I made sure that she didn’t play in her swimsuit after she swam. I made sure that she changed into dry clothes.
She says, I haven’t had any oysters since I left your house. So my husband went to pick her up an oyster po-boy. I am glad that she enjoyed her oysters. She liked the chocolate candy.
She’s so funny, she told the aide to put on her pretty nightgown before we got there.
She said she will eat the other food tomorrow or the next day.
Just got to the corner and I my husband says, “Oh, crap!” So, I say, “You forgot your wallet? He said, “Yeah.”
This is the third time he has left the house without his wallet!
I jokingly asked him if he was getting dementia.
He blamed it on not going to work everyday, and since he has been used to working remotely he doesn’t think about his wallet.
We do get forgetful at times, don’t we?
I truly appreciate your kind words and wise advice.
Of course, I respect and appreciate your professional opinion coming from a medical background as a nurse but also as a great human being who tells it like it is! Love that about you!