Update on my mom.
I had a strong desire to call my mom today.
I haven’t called mom very frequently, no more than once a week because I needed time for myself to adjust after my caregiver days ended.
Then as most of you know, my husband got prostate cancer so naturally my heart was first and foremost with him.
He is the love of my life. Next month we will celebrate 43 years of marriage.
As most of you know, my brothers and I have a strained relationship.
I took care of mom for 20 years all alone as the primary caregiver, 15 years in my home and was heading for completely burning out. I tried to involve my brothers in mom’s care but they weren’t interested in anything but themselves.
When my brothers were involved it was to criticize me because mom had a habit of stirring the pot, which caused stress for everyone.
I got fed up and told my mom to go live with my brother and sister in law. I had done more than my share.
Needless to say, this is never the relationship that anyone wishes to have with family members. I always desired to live in harmony.
Sometimes family dynamics evolve into complex situations filled with a mixed bag of emotions.
I don’t know how I managed to be the primary caregiver for as long as I did. Parkinson’s disease is brutal.
I also cared for my oldest brother and dad before they died. I have seen so much sadness in my life due to various issues.
It changed me watching my mother suffer endlessly. I lived in depression and had enormous anxiety as a primary caregiver without help.
My brother answered the phone when I called mom today.
He told me that mom is now bed bound in a hospice facility. I feel relieved that she is now in a facility. It’s truly for the best.
One of our long time posters (Lealonnie) comforted me throughout my entire caregiving and afterwards. I will forever be grateful. She has a heart of gold and truly understands suffering. She told me that my brother would see what I went through with my mom as he cared for her in his home. She was 100 percent correct!
We needed distance from each other in order for healing to occur. He apologized to me and said, “I now know what you went through. I am so sorry that I wasn’t a brother for you to talk to. I was wrong and should have supported you.” I cried so hard hearing these words.
When he took over mom’s care I did not interfere as he did with me. Mom would never complain to me about him because she is very old fashioned and won’t criticize a man. It’s common for some women in mom’s era to feel like the man has authority over women. Mom is 95.
I am so grateful for everyone on this forum. You have helped me more than you know. I can’t list everyone because the list would be too long but I hope you know how much I have appreciated your help.
This is a very emotional time for me. I will be going to see my mom very soon.
I am so glad that your brother (probably with the help of his wife) finally sees how hard a job this is.
(((((HUGS)))))))
Your kindness has always touched my heart.
Most of all, I have appreciated your wise advice.
Yes, I’m quite sure that my sister in law influenced him. She works full time. So, I am sure that she was exhausted helping my brother to care for my mom.
I am so grateful for hospice. They are angels.
I hope it is a fresh start. Before he hung up the phone he said that he wanted the ugly past to be over between us. So you are correct that he is looking ahead to healing with a new beginning.
He admitted that he didn’t appreciate before but now he realizes how much I did for mom.
The circumstances are hard, knowing what is coming. I pray that I don’t ever get Parkinson’s disease.
It was a pleasant surprise to have my brother be understanding of what I went through as a caregiver.
My brother said the neurologist has done further testing and she is showing some dementia now.
I do take comfort that the nurses are excellent at keeping her comfortable as can be.
I wish you and your brother great years ahead together!
That’s very nice of you to say. I appreciate it.
I thought I knew everything that I needed to know.
I am nurturing by nature but looking back I wasn’t prepared for what was to come.
After mom lost her home in Katrina all I wanted to do was to comfort my mom.
I did not experience seeing my parents care for their parents.
My mom had a great relationship with her mom, so I never saw any conflict.
I actually thought that moving mom in with us would make things easier in some ways. There would be no more trips back and forth to her house.
I missed my privacy after she moved in.
Mom missed her home but she seemed to settle in.
She adored my daughters. They loved her. She loved my husband.
Clearly, I wanted and needed one thing but my reality was quite different.
I kept trying to change what I couldn’t change which was my biggest mistake.
Could I have prevented it? Perhaps, with the right guidance.
I didn’t know about this forum to hear of everyone else’s perspective and as the only daughter, I was expected to take mom in.
I don’t think it even occurred to me that I didn’t have to care for mom.
What’s done is done. There are pros in cons in most things.
I do love my mom in spite of her issues but I don’t think it is the right choice for everyone to do home caregiving.
I did my best but it certainly wasn’t what was best for my family.
It’s a huge sacrifice to make.
If someone is not in this situation they have no idea, just like I had no idea how hard it would become to be a home caregiver.
Bottom line is that there are reasons why hospice facilities exist. Mom has accepted being there and in a way I think it is a relief for her.
I pray that she won’t suffer or be afraid. I don’t think that she will. I think that I struggle with those emotions about her more than she does. She was very strong when younger. She’s so tired now. It’s sad. She’s been ready to leave this world.
Maybe I should make a therapist appointment to talk about my feelings.
Overall though, I know that my sincerest prayers have been answered, which is to have peace in my family and especially for my mom during her final time on this earth.
I’m Irish (my dad’s side) and I suppose that I can be a little melancholy at times.
Everything that happened today has me reflecting on the past.
I truly wish that I had found this forum sooner than I did. I was in over my head by the time I found this forum. So I wasn’t in the best place at that point in time.
I would like to apologize if I seemed defensive for being a home caregiver.
I sincerely did not wish to offend anyone that was trying to help.
Let’s face it. I was blind. It took me a while to see the entire situation for what it was.
Thanks to all of you who were patient and understanding.
I realized later that you were not being critical of me.
It’s just that I had so much criticism coming at me from mom and my brothers that I couldn’t handle anything that I perceived to be additional pressure.
I was so indoctrinated in the idea of being mom’s full time caregiver that I couldn’t accept any other viewpoint.
I ask your forgiveness for my behavior, such as being overly sensitive and perhaps too defensive.
I needed to hear the truth. It’s why I stuck with therapy because I recognized the truth and finally saw the light. My therapist was caring enough to keep driving home the truth to me and he will always have my respect and gratitude.
I was so glad to find out that he had taken his mom to go live with him and his wife. Too bad he only got to do caregiving for such a short time compared to your 30 years. Wish it was at least 5 - 10 years so he and wife would truly enjoy being in your shoes. They really lucked out.
You are such a forgiving person. I don't know if many people would forgive a horrible sibling like your brother. I wouldn't.
I am glad he apologized to you because he owes you a big one. The next persons who also should apologize to you is his wife. And the last person who should apologize and thank you is your mom, but I doubt at her age and being a NM she would know how to be sorry and thankful. Grrr... I am still angry about the way they all treated you.
NHWM, you are really a generous and kind soul, and so is your husband. I wish you both a wonderful 43th anniversary, and a 50th, a 60th, and 70th and many more after that.
Your understanding means the world to me. It really does.
Polar,
My brother is like Paul’s (UK thread) brother when it comes to wives. He goes through marriages! He’s on wife number four.
Want to hear the irony of it all? Wife number four has a masters in psychology!
Yeah, she actually finished her degrees after her marriage to him.
I suppose that she needed degrees in psychology to stay married to him! LOL
She’s either a complete fool for staying with him, truly loves him or waiting for his pension to pay off school loans, hahaha.
She is younger than his children. She doesn’t allow my nephews sons to call her grandma.
I have to say that in the beginning of their relationship, they were so wrapped up in the excitement of their affair that they were like teenagers in love! They were both married at the time.
It was the same thing with his third wife, both were married at the time.
Wife number two wasn’t married when she started a relationship with him. Nor was he but he cheated on her with wife number three.
He also cheated on his first wife. He’s been a serial cheater on all but the last one because he’s older (almost 70) and has heart trouble now so I doubt that he could.
His health is declining and his doctor told him that the stress of caring for mom would kill him.
So, it finally sunk in just how much I did when I was mom’s caregiver.
His current wife was smart enough not to quit her job like I did to care for mom but she did help when she was off work so I know that she was exhausted. I am glad that she was there for mom.
Family situations can become very complicated!
Welcome!
Wow, 97! Yeah, we never know how long our parents will live. People live really long these days.
It’s a struggle caring for them.
Thank you for your kind words. I wish you well as you travel along your difficult journey.
He went to his urologist this morning. He got his second hormone treatment.
As I have said in an earlier post, he’s finished with his radiation treatments.
The doc says that now it’s a waiting game but he expects the PSA levels to be down when he reviews the lab results from the blood drawn.
So, hopefully this ordeal will be behind us after his final hormone injection.
I'm glad your brother apologized, but sorry it took your call over there instead of his call to you. He's had only a very, very small taste of the huge job it was to care for a difficult mother, both emotionally and physically. Oh, the armchair critics always have all the answers while they supervise from afar. It isn't until they're actually knee deep in the trenches before they scratch their heads wondering, " how on earth did she manage this nightmare all those years?" His apology may be too little too late, or then again it may be the seedling that starts off a new and better relationship off between you two. Time will tell.
Your mother is where she belongs now in hospice, being kept comfortable until God is ready to take her Home. Only then will SHE understand how you've been affected by her behavior while she was alive on Earth. I hope a swift and peaceful transition for her now, after 9 and one half decades of life.
And wishing you peace during your visit to her, secure in the knowledge that you've been a wonderful daughter to her your entire life, and did everything in your power for her. I know it will be an emotional visit, but a necessary one for both of you. May God bless you and keep you during this difficult time, my friend.
Thanks a million for your ongoing support. It means the world to me. I have benefited from your wisdom for a long time.
Your posting said a mouthful and more! You have been through the mill regarding your mother and know exactly how it is to deal with the complexity of caregiving.
I wish the very best for you, your health and pray that your mom’s situation will stabilize. My word, your mom has had so many reactions to her meds, plus all of her many other ongoing needs.
Still praying for your dear husband.
Thanks for your support. It’s true, in many cases cancer is treatable but must always be monitored.
We are hopeful and he is continuing to monitor his situation with his doctors.
I hope your husband has gotten past the worst of it. It’s stressful to go through any health crisis.
Thank you so much. Your kindness touches my heart.
i learned so much from you from the very beginning, learned that some days we cry, others we can laugh, and sometimes we just want to hide under the bedcovers all day. I could literally feel your pain and desperation. I am so thankful that your mom is now in care, and that you are going to be seeing her. Also, that your brother has finally “seen the light” and apologized to you. All the heartache and pain , in that respect, i hope is gone and your family can move forward in a loving, kind and compassionate way. Much love and many blessings to you, i will pray for your husband. And you too, this waiting for results of tests, biopsies, etc is so unnerving. Take care. Liz
Thank you for your heartfelt message. I have always appreciated your support and enjoyed reading your postings.
Of course, I will remember your daughter in my thoughts and prayers. I do believe in the power of prayer.
My husband has already gone through his radiation treatments. He has his hormone treatments left to do.
We are hopeful that his PSA levels drop. He had blood drawn this morning, so we don’t have the lab results back yet.
Your daughter is lucky to have such a loving mom. She sounds like a wonderful person. You must be very proud of her.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment that we are better caregivers when we aren’t stressed out to the max.
Caregiving is never an easy thing to do. It helps to utilize hospice during this time.
Mom is being kept comfortable. I truly feel that she is relieved to be bed bound.
It became so difficult for her to move. Then she lost the ability to move. Advanced Parkinson’s is absolutely brutal.
Sometimes she has a blank look on her face or a look of exhaustion on her face, but no matter how horrible she feels, she always finds a smile for her grandchildren.
It’s the same with any medical staff. The nursing staff says that she is always pleasant with them. She never complains to them.
Of course, I know that they are medicating her properly.
She has her Parkinson’s meds and they added another med that helps her relax.
Mom has always been a vivid dreamer.
She tells me of pleasant dreams of a little girl.
She has a smile as she speaks about this child in her dream. It’s interesting.
I’m just relieved that she is in a place with compassionate care.
I know that she is ready to be with my dad in the afterlife.
He got his hormone therapy and they drew blood to measure his PSA levels.
He got his results back from lab testing. PSA levels were what the doctor suspected. They are within the normal range, so it looks like his radiation treatments have been successful in treating his prostate cancer.
Of course, he will need another hormone injection and will need further testing. So far, so good!
What a relief!