Update on mom.......
It's been a wonderful last 4 months with mom with a few bad weeks here and there and we have been so blessed. But this week, the Hospice nurse said that mom is deteriorating fast right now. Her kidneys seem to be shutting down at a faster rate and is starting to reject the catheter. Her bowels aren't moving anymore on their own and she's now dealing with a pressure sore that Hospice is trying to keep under control and is extremely painful. Dad gives her pain pills but refuses to keep her on them all day because she sleeps and he can't feed her. In his mind, if she doesn't eat, she will die. All the food he is putting in her is doing nothing, absolutely nothing.....she is skin and bones. We have noticed spots on her legs developing and I'm not sure if that means anything. It's just not looking good right now, she's getting as bad or worse than she was months ago. I don't think her body can overcome it this time, but the nurse said with mom's past rallying history, who knows and that God is in control. Dad is still in denial that she is so close to going home, I know he knows it, but he won't talk about it and he gets upset if anyone does. Dad's 85 and mom's 82 and they've been married 67 years. I guess I would be in denial too if I had been with my wife that long. I'm praying she makes it through Christmas just for dad's sake. My brothers and I have accepted that mom won't be with us for long, but it's still so hard watching your mom die and your dad's heart breaking. Please pray for us all, especially dad. Thank you!
Blessings,
Vicky
38 Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Can someone post the explanation of all the acronyms used in this forum? I have to guess that OP means original poster and AL etc etc.
- My LO sees her daughter (who's not there) and asks "where is she and how did she leave"? How do I answer her?
- MIL has dementia but is not bed bound. Today she is acting like she doesn’t have dementia- at all. Could this be terminal lucidity?
- Why is it so hard to get Protective Supervision for my 89yr old husband with dementia?
I am so, so sorry to read that your mom is rapidly deteriorating after so many good months and rallying. I feel terrible for your dear dad as I know he hasn't been able to handle the reality of where this has all been heading. You're right after 67 years of marriage I'm sure he simply cannot fathom his life with her.
I'm thankful he has you and your brothers during all of this and that you all have come to the realization and acceptance that your mom's time appears to be very short. I am praying along with you that she can make it through Christmas especially for your dad. I've personally known several people along with losing my FIL and MIL during the holidays and it's so hard especially when they've been such happy times in your lives.
As for the spots on her legs developing, if it looks like mottling of the skin causing a red or purplish marbled appearance, that is one of the signs that the heart is no longer able to pump blood effectively, the blood pressure slowly drops and blood flow throughout the body slows causing the extremities to begin to feel cold to the touch. I remember hospice showing my dad's legs to me when that occurred and he was nearing the end.
You and your family will be on my mind and in my prayers during this difficult time -
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
God be with all of you.
Hugs!!
We are never quite prepared to say goodbye.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your lives.
I spoke with the Hospice nurse today and she said mom is much worse than she was 4 months ago when we thought we were losing her then. We are just taking it day by day now. Also, we talked about dad and she said he most likely won't accept it until it does happen. Blessings to you all!
Vicky
Thank you for your update today. I hope in a way that having hospice walk you through the end of life process is somewhat helpful to all of you so that it won't be a complete shock - I know with my dad being the first loved one/parent I lost, it helped me in preparing. I do realize that no matter how much we try to prepare, it's still hard but, in my case I felt like it softened the blow a little and made me face/deal with it when he did pass away.
Like you said, "day by day" is all you have - I pray she goes peacefully and without suffering too much pain. Your dad weighs heavily on my heart as I'm sure he does on you and your brothers.
(((hugs)))
Thank you for your kind words as always. I guess the hardest part for me right now, besides worrying about dad, is we just don't know when. I know that sounds selfish to want to know that, but I can't help to wonder how long this time. Not knowing is so hard for me but with mom's history, she could surprise us all again but I sadly don't think so this time. I pray she goes peacefully also, that's my greatest wish for her right now.
I don't view it as selfish to want to know and wonder when it will happen especially since you've gone through this so many times over the months. It's very hard on a person/family as you can attest to - one day "it's the end to it's not the end but, a rally" so many times. Then you have the "down" feeling thinking it's over only to end up with an "elated" feeling knowing she's rallying. A person can only handle that so many times. So I hope you won't be too hard on yourself and just realize it's normal and human.
I know it's easy to hope she will surprise you all again but, as I was praying last night, I just felt a deep sorrow in my heart and I think you know it in your heart as you've already alluded to - I think it would be a lot to overcome with the physical shutdown that is occurring. As soon as I got up this morning, I went to the computer to check for an update and there was a sigh of relief but, I still had the nagging feeling.
So for now, peace for your mom and all of you -
Colleen
You're welcome. I remember responding to one of your questions back at the beginning of September where I began to learn about you, your mom and family and I always wanted to know how things were going from that point on so although I'm not on the forum too much anymore, I wanted to stay as long as it took and see it through!
P.S. Even though I read through my response to you on the 10th a couple of times before clicking "Post Comment," I noticed just yesterday that I made a big blunder - "You're right after 67 years of marriage I'm sure he simply cannot fathom his life WITH her" which was obviously supposed to say WITHOUT her - Geez! My apologies!
We all hope the best for Vicky and her family right now.
I know I remember reading that too! - I think it's our own (whoever writes the message) "jaw that ends up dropping" ( I picked it up off the floor) if/when we realize it - I still felt bad though :(
The last act is not being hungry and eating very little and or refusing to eat and drink.
Then there is what is called a death Rattle which is a type of noise made when they breathe and you know the end is very near.
All one can do is just make your loved one as comfortable as possible and for my sister, it was giving her my bed to sleep in instead of a hard hospital bed we purchased. My sis being in my home,, in her own words made her feel loved and safe and happy.
Make your mom feel loved and safe and the natural course of dying is inevitable.
No need to talk to your Dad about death, he knows what's coming and I felt the same way, always prayed for a Miracle Healing and held hope and didn't want any negative talk only wanted anyone visiting my sis to say positive things no matter what they were actually thinking.
One more thing, my Dad ended up preferring his recliner to sleep in instead of his bed for the last year and he never had a bed sore. I had tge Caregivers apply a thick butt paste or cream every day and he sat on a thick Gel Cushion.
He actually only gets uo out of the recliner to eat or go to the bathroom.
Tge rest of the time he is in his recliner and unless he's having a snack, the chair is always reclined all the way back, to keeo his feet elevated so they won't swell.
Love and Prayers
This is such a tough situation and it is heartbreaking! We cannot unfortunately not force anyone to accept anything and this is one of those times where it is especially true. All you can do is be there for your father and be truthful and what I mean by that is, of course we won’t know the exact time death will come but the professionals know the impending signs and symptoms by usually days and hours.
The best thing you can do at this time is let your father grieve the way he needs to, the truth will come soon enough.
You will grieving for your mother and your father will be grieving his spouse, which he now need to go on without her. Love, kindness & understanding; being easy on each other and your selves. A life ending is one of the most stressful, if not the most stressful events in life. One day the pain of your mother dying will diminish and then her life can be talked about with smiles and laughter instead of that terrible ache that your heart will feel for sometime.
There are some excellent books, grief therapy groups(even if virtual for some time) that can help your father and you help with grieving your mother’s death.
Please take care of yourself❤️
Mj