Update on Mark's care plans.

I do still care about Mark, but this is more in a detached way. I am moving at the end of the month and next week his nephew will be moving him to Edinburgh. The divorce papers are filed and should be approved after sixty days. I am currently interviewing for another job at the college and did an interview for the public schools last Thursday. I can be care without involving myself directly in what is a big mess and will get worse from here on out.

Your fine doggie mom!! Ive told you before I get it and how hard it is to detach yourself from anyone thats been in your life for so long.

It just means your a good caring person. ❤️

Doggie,

We all vent on here. Go ahead and speak about what’s on your mind. Everyone knows that you have been through a difficult time with Mark. We wish the best for you. Hoping everything will turn out well for you.

Funkygrandma, I agree she still does care.
I encourage her to move on, myself, and not to confuse the issue for the current POA which I think is Nephew, and for Mark. I will continue to encourage her to do that.

@ Doggiemom: And no, of course not, DoggieMom. We are very interested in all of it, and I for one will love to hear how you get on with the changes for your life. Very. And I will be very relieved for you when you leave Mark's issues in his and his nephew's hands. Too many chef will spoil this stew.
You and Mark were married and in many ways I would bet you are very fond still of one another. I think it's natural you would want to help. But I worry if you get all wound up in it again, when you have done such courageous work to EXTRICATE yourself from this muddle.
So I will continue to advise you to step on and step away to the best of you ability, and I will continue also to care (as I know you do) for how Mark fares. Most of all I hope to hear YOU yourself are moving on and thriving in your new home.

I hope no minds me posting. I am not the main one making decisions or even trying. This thread is just for anyone curious what the latest is. I am not trying to talk him into anything since he has said he wants everything. I am no longer fighting with him so my mental health is better. His nephew is the next contact versus me and he already hates it, so there you go

Alva, I am more than aware what you've advised DoggieMom, and I totally agree.
She's the one who continues to post about what is going on, and I get that to some degree she still cares.
And when I mentioned bringing hospice on board I was not implying that she should do that but just mentioning that that may very well be the next step despite Marks determination to keep fighting.

Funkygrandma, Mark is no longer the business of DoggieMom really. If I recall the nephew is now POA. Mark has in the past refused palliative and hospice. As DoggieMom told us, even through his most dire illnesses in ICU he has not ever wanted to give up. So options like hospice are likely out, and in any case, doggiemom is now in the process of the final stages of her divorce and will be moving her life elsewhere.
I always advise her to stay out of decisions now that don't concern her any long so that she can get on with her own life. Being drawn back into every step of Mark's ongoing decisions won't be possible for her or even healthy to try as a divorced woman from long distance, just imho.

I figured as much, funky grandma, and it makes me sad. I still pray for him and let him know I care without letting myself get so invested I am making myself sick physically and mentally like I was. He GFR was at I believe 15 ish which is chronic kidney failure.

What Mark is getting placed is called a supra pubic catheter, and it is a permanent catheter, and requires a trained nurse or urologist to change it every 4-6 weeks.
My late husband had one for the last 2 years of his life, and most nurses didn't know how to change it. In fact when my husband went under hospice care there was only 1 nurse in the whole agency(and it's a large agency) that was comfortable changing it for him.
My husband did occasionally also get UTI's from having it as well.
I can't imagine that Mark will be alive for much longer and it may be time to bring hospice in.

I am still communicating with Mark on a business level (it takes a while to settle into a new place) and guess what the hospital is suggesting he have another surgery. I suppose this is a more minor surgery as it will be where a tube will be inserted into his kidney to help him drain urine better. It's crazy how much surgery he has had within two months. The lung doctor is even suggesting some sort of drain to help keep the fluid clear around his lungs (they drained I believe 3 liters of fluid yesterday). So, just to keep count he has an above the knee amputation and they will be inserting this tube into his kidneys.

I agree that no one wants to go into a nursing home, but at this point it looks like he will be. I am only kept up to date because I am still working some things out with Mark such as getting our cell phone bill transferred off auto pay onto his card. I found out he has been trying to do things and is not really coherent enough to be doing them. He messed up my Internet where the old one was disconnected and I had to wait for new equipment to be delivered (sigh). Anyway, Mark called 911 because he does not like how the rehab center is treating them and they want to take his check so he went to the hospital and they are now running a bunch of tests on him.

It will come to Mark being in a SNF or LTC and I do not think he wants to face those facts and that his check will be used to pay for his care. I know he is going to try to qualify for Medicaid after our divorce goes through, which should be by September since he would be under the minimum income to do so. We do not have any assets (we rented our home, no boats, no car).

So I was answering the question, not the update. Sorry doggiemom

At this point it doesn't matter what mark wants.

I don't think any of us will say I want to end up in a crappy nursing home when I get old.

That's not on are bucket list of fun things to do! But it happens, it's life ,and it's not your fault doggiemom.

This is on him

Doggie,

So sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I’m sure that you must be exhausted from dealing with everything.

Wishing you peace. Sending hugs your way.

Mark is back in the hospital. He is having abdominal pain and not able to eat w/o getting sick. There is also more fluid being drained from his lungs. They are doing a bunch of tests and scans.

Oh don't worry Alva, I have no plans of trying to stop anything. Both are grown men and I wash my hands of all of it. By the way, you called it on Mark being angry I initiated the divorce! It's ok, I am doing some healing. I am counting it as a life lesson and as the old disco song says "I will survive."

Wheel him into the street and dump him?
Too bad Robert isn't bright enough to tell them "Yeah? That's the day you go to jail and can't make bail I guess, huh?"

What they CAN do is send bills, of course.
I hope that Robert is bright enough to be made POA and to keep records.
But what I would caution YOU, Doggie Mom, is to stay out of it.
There is nothing you can do about and for the bad decisions or the good decisions in this either way now. You don't want to be responsible for the former and won't get credit for the latter.
Stay out of it and let them get on with care.

You get on with your new life which has enough in it to put on ANYONE'S plate.
Sure wishing you the best.
Get your divorce. Get your division of finances. Get on with your life and let the two of them manage together any way they can, any way they choose. THEY have AS GOOD LIKELIHOOD of success as were it the other way round and you were taking Mark home.

My apologies for updating this older thread but thought the board might be interested in how things are progressing. Robert has decided to take on Mark's care (mainly for his SS check). The rehab would only let him stay until the end of the month and then they would deduct $200 per day. I tried to tell them they could appeal to Medicaid. The social worker there was being a um let's say banshee. She was trying to tell Robert that they would her words "Wheel Mark on the street in his wheelchair and dump him." I tried to tell Robert they could not do that unless they wanted their butts sued here and back.

Anyway, Robert has decided to take Mark into his home. Yes, I know Mark can make his own decisions and I am not caring for him anymore (divorce will take at least sixty days and I have told multiple social workers I cannot care for him). Robert lives ten hours away in an old home that is totally broken down. Mark will probably catch an infection because Robert is a hoarder. Robert rented a U-haul for Mark's stuff and I tried to get Robert to get rid of some stuff. As an example, a very old trophy cabinet that Mark bought way before we married. We had our water heat break at our house and it soaked the floor and walls and we had to have our landlord treat for black mold. This cabinet had major water damage and for all I know mold and the doors won't shut. I told Robert to just take it to the curb. Robert has his 78 year old dad (yes, his father is still working and paying the bills) take it apart and takes it. Is it going to effect me in the long run? No, but I can't believe it.

Anyway, because the rehab is saying they will take away his check Robert is taking him to Edinburg. I have no clue how Mark will make the trip as unstable as he is. He is not critical, but he is still really weak to not being able to even sit up on the side of the bed. He cannot do any daily living activities besides eat by himself (no showering, toileting, mobility, etc). It is crazy. I tried to raise concerns that he will need full-time care, but I was ignored. Nuts as they say, just nuts.

So, I am doing some "mopping up" so to speak. I have a separate bank account and the divorce plans are in motion plus moving plans for me and the dogs. My family has friends who know people in the school system so I should be able to get another job and I have a place to rent. I canceled the car insurance I will not need on the car that will be repossed.

I found out it should be about sixty days for the divorce to go through with a no fault divorce and his social workers are saying the same to him. I am working next with my college to figure out my internship credit as I will not be in TX, but it is the last piece of the puzzle I need to get my certificate in library science. I am done with college after this! Rehab is not very pleased with Mark as he is refusing to do basic therapy saying it hurts too bad. He is mainly just zonked on pain meds these days.

So Mark is in rehab and hating it because they are making him work and it makes him hurt. He wants to try to take my Chihuahua Sky, which I said no she is my ESA and he was annoyed with her when he lived here at home. Anyway, I think Mark does not want to face the facts that he will not live like he was. I think he might have a bit of mobility, like getting into a wheelchair, but he will need more than 2 months of therapy. He has been in ICU and then specialized care for 3 months. I am distancing myself, a lot from all of this. Mark is a grown man still deemed competent to make his own decisions.

Thanks I will let take your suggestions. I will let them know. I will be glad to be rid of the car to be honest. The insurance is in his name and so is the car so his credit will take the hit. I understand I will be responsible to, but if I have to declare bankruptcy and let my credit recover for a couple years, so be it.

I agree with everything @pamzimmrrt wrote. The issue is that since you are married the debt is both of yours - not just his. So you will probably be on the hook in someway financially for a portion of this repossessed car. But you can't sell it since you are not on the title so it is quite the mess.

I don't know why your soon to be ex-husbands behavior is shocking to you at this point. It was only a few weeks ago that he said he wasn't going to pay any household bills because he wasn't physically living there at the moment. As for the nephew I would confront him and kick him out of your house if he is not paying rent (I think you said he was living there with you). Mark is in for a rude awakening if he ever gets out of the hospital and realizes nephew has taken him for a ride. BUT it's not your problem.

Let me see if I understand this. The car and insurance are in MArks name, but the loan and payment are in yours? Call your bank and have them put a stop payment on the amount. This will cost a few, but surely cheaper than the payment. Then call the IC and let them know the car has been repo'd and you will not be paying the bill for HIS car. Tell them they need to speak to Mark and give them one of his phone numbers. Scan/fax the receipt for the tag return ( in most states you need to have insurance as long as you have tags) This should show proof that neither of you has the car any longer. ( or at least that is does not need insurance) and show proof of the repo if you can. Not sure this will solve all your car problems, but at least it will save your money! Good luck, and it's worth a try.

Please forgive me for being a whiner, but I am so ticked off at the moment. Our car insurance was supposed to be canceled. I caved and got us a car we couldn't really afford because I allowed myself to be swayed by the "I have cancer" threat. Yes, I realize I have no one to blame but myself. Anyway, this car is going to be repoed and so the insurance was supposed to be canceled. Nope, they want to yank money out of my account I do not have and will not talk to me because it is in Mark's name. I am trying to get Mark to help me out, but I found out his nephew is already sucking money from his bank account for "rebuilding a room" for Mark.

I am suspicious of whether his nephew is really doing this or just draining money from Mark and I am angry that someone who claims to have loved me for 15 years is now kind of in a "well, forget you" state of mind.

As for how Mark is it is up still up and down. He is out of the ICU, but still not considered medically stable enough for rehab.

NeedHelpWithMom, thank you for your kind words. I have found a rental through a friend of my sister-in-law to law so I can move in June with my dogs. I will get my summer pay through August while I look for another job. They have several openings in education so hopefully that can fall into place. The house is a block away from my brother's so we can go on grocery trips and the like. I am trying to be upbeat but still sad and upset about leaving my old life.

How are you doing today, DoggieM? Thinking of you.

Yes, he had a treatment today but was super weak. I just don't see rehab in his future. I think that he will need to see that skilled nursing will have to be his future.

At least if he is in the ICU he is not creating havoc and problems for you.

DoggieMom,

So sorry that Mark is in the ICU. It’s stressful. Know that we are with you during this difficult time.