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He kept telling tgtfo so I did. He doesn't want to use a rollater or wheelchair so he falls. I left food for him but he never got it. He has decided I should pick him up and carry him everywhere and I said NO! I can't do it we could both be hurt. Apparently I am selfish. For letting him go to the ER. Because the hospital does not think he should live alone and wants to put him in nursing home.He wants to move in with me. I said no. Apparently according to his friends and some family I am selfish a brat . Ungrateful. But I think he needs more care than I can give. I am way happier not living there

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Do not move dad in
(2)
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Purplerain, I am so relieved that you left that abusive situation! I was concerned about you. Your previous post:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/dad-gets-really-angry-aggressive-combative-and-irritated-around-mealtimes-how-do-i-handle-this-bette-497772.htm

The hospital staff is absolutely right, and so are you. Your dad needs way more care than he can get at home, and way more than you (or anyone on their own) can give him. Let the hospital send him to a nursing home. They are the professionals, and they do not recommend that unless they know it to be true.

DO NOT agree to go back and live with him, and do not let him move anywhere with you. And ignore what he claims his friends and family say about you. He is just making it up to try to make you feel bad, and guilt-trip you. Don't answer his phone calls, and don't go visit him. Now while he's out of the house, go back and get whatever you need of yours, if you left things behind.

Please work on putting happiness back in your own life. Your last sentence made me smile. You deserve peace of mind, and happiness.
(7)
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NO, do not move him in. If the others are thinking less of you because of this, just tell them they can move him in to their home and see how it goes. This will shut them up. Do not knuckle under to any pressure -- it's not their lives that will get burned out.

Even if he miraculously turns "nice" and promises to be "better", the answer is still NO.

"I am way happier not living there" YAY! So happy for you! Now get on with your best life.
(6)
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He is not a safe discharge. Allow the hospital to call the State in and they will take care of him and whatever estate he has.

You cannot allow him to movebin with you, its not your home to invite him too. You tell your relatives that he threated you and you were afraid he would hurt you. He may be old but they can become very strong. Your doing the right thing. He will now get help and don't allow anyone to make you get involved. The State will assign a guardian. Once he is settled in and on meds for his aggression, maybe you can visit as a daughter.
(2)
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Your dad has had a lifetime to plan for eldercare. You are not the plan.

I was the plan for my parents, and it took them 5+ years to die. I still resent their not planning better - for instance, they could have gone to a retirement home with stepped-up care and stayed there till they died. But they wanted to die at home. So my life was upended for years because they wanted something unreasonable.

Make it clear to everyone who criticizes you WHY you don't want dad moving in with you. If they never speak to you again, so what? You are important, your life is important, and they are not.
(5)
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Maintain those boundaries .
Do not take care of him . Do not let him move in with you . Also do not live with him at his house or anywhere else . Don’t live with him , period !

Just keep saying to yourself , that Dad needs more care than I can provide.
Ignore the criticism from people , don’t answer their texts or calls or emails . Block them in your phone if you need .
(5)
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Did these 'friends and family' tell you this directly or was it relayed to you by your father? Not that any of their opinions matter, they are perfectly welcome to take him in. I ask because my grandmother would always say "they said' to back up whatever point she wanted you to believe. When I asked who THEY were she would just say THEY louder and louder. Lying and manipulation is the goto for many seniors.
(4)
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Who cares about his friends and some family?

You aren't safe there. Neither is he, so it seems this has worked out to the best of all possibilities. "unsafe discharge" is what you should repeat over and over again.

Tell family you are not safe and he was complaining about your tampon disposal and blocking you into your room. You will not do it, and neither should they. He needs a locked facility and medication along with a staff to keep him safe.
(4)
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So glad you moved out! Very wise decision. Now protect your wellbeing and don’t listen to any negativity at all. No name calling, no comments about what others think you should be doing, none of it. You don’t need to explain your decisions. Dad does need more help than you can provide and it’s not your fault that reality isn’t being accepted. Time to move forward and build a positive life for yourself. I wish you healing and peace
(3)
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Good for you! You deserve better and were definitely in an unsafe situation. I’m so glad you took your own safety seriously and did not rationalize staying. Who cares what family and friends think - they are free to take him in themselves.
(3)
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Would you feel the same way if it was your mother that needed help?
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