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After 16 years of caring for mom, struggling through all the complexities, jumping through every hoop presented by for profit caregiving organizations and medical professionals watching my mother and I struggle/stumble in an already contentious relationship:
I found answers I've needed all along as to how to better deal with my mom at AlzheimersHope. Although mom has never been diagnosed with Alz I have experienced the same difficulties in communication/cooperation all these years. The 10 absolutes presented by Jo Huey are a priceless tool for any caregiver and should be standard issue for family caregivers and professionals alike.
NOT ONCE in these 16 years has any "professional" offered up any resources, information or guidance in regards to caring for my mother. They are however perfectly willing to crucify us for not knowing and/or using the wrong methodology.
Adult Protective Services here in Michigan has become little more than a tool for profit based caregiving organizations to intimidate family members/caregivers, separate the elderly from their families and subsequently their life savings. This of course is unethical, unconscionable, immoral and reprobate but the caliber of criminals we as family caregivers find ourselves dealing with in this era of money mongers.
So please; if you were raised with tough love and possibly if this is all you have ever known:
If you care for your parent and are struggling with communication and/or cooperation regardless of a diagnosis of Alz:
Before this has irreversible damage to your own health as well as your relationship with your parent:
Find and use the 10 Absolutes; any other skills you can master in order to have a quality relationship with your parent and strengthen your ability to keep the for profit vultures off of them.
Because I wouldn't wish this nightmare on anyone ever again.

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Mom's primary won't use the D word either. They don't want to lose the patient. I haven't had to talk to APS, but no one here has given them rave reviews anywhere. The Ten Absolutes are a good read. I have found mom easy to divert with simple questions. My husband does make the mistake of saying " I already told you that". We do encourage Mom to do what she can, we tell her to be thankful that family is still attendant to her. But sometimes we override the permission part, because she has great control issues. We ask her to accept letting others care for her, pay her bills and make decisions.
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You are so right. Tough love is not appropriate for dementia. A person with dementia is not like a child who is growing in reason and can learn new concepts. A person with dementia is losing the ability to reason, and to connect cause and effect.

I am so very sorry you've been dealing with this for 16 years and no one has offered you any training or books or support. OMG! I would have gone nuts. (Even more nuts than I am, I mean.) I attended seminars, read books, looked at utube videos (Teepa Snow is incredible) and joined a support group specifically for caregivers whose loved ones have the kind of dementia my husband had. There really is a LOT of material out there that offers a little guidance. I'm so sorry you didn't find it sooner. But, hurrah! you found it nowl

Thank you for sharing information about Jo Huey's Ten Absolutes. Although it is labeled "Alzheimer's Disease: Help and Hope" I think every one of the ten would apply to any kind of dementia and also some other cognitive impairments.

I'll return the favor by recommending a book I found especially helpful. It is by a therapist, Pauline Boss : "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia."

Best wishes for continued improvements in your relationship with your mother.
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