I. Hate. This. My mother has used me as a crutch for her disability (hearing loss) since I was 10 years old. I had to be her ears/translator for doctors appointments, meetings, the phone, the door, transportation, shopping, and EVERYTHING ELSE. High School, College, and Professional years have all been disrupted because I always need to tear away from my life to supplement hers. I was considered intellectually gifted, now I feel that her extensive family network massaged/groomed my 'gift' into being her crisis worker. My mother has always manipulated me to take care or be around her for one reason or another. She'd have other relatives call and stage a crisis so that I could gallop into town to save her. It turned out she only needed a ride to the grocery store, and didn't want anyone else to take her. She has a history of refusing help from others because she only wants me to do it. "She sure loves her daughter" they say. They have no clue what the dynamic is. I never got married. All of my romantic relationships turned out to be awful because everything I try to do rests on my mom's contingencies. I have no children of my own, and my clock is almost up. Any attempt to live up to my potential or even take care of my own health is considered 'selfish' and lectures come in from family on what I should and shouldn't be doing. She had high blood pressure. High cholesterol. Refused to take two pills a day. Against all the hypertensive crises she's had, she still maintained a diet of candy, potato chips, soda, and coffee until she finally suffered a stroke a few months ago. "Take care of your mother", family says. "Why wouldn't she give me a g*dd@mn break and do basic sh!t to take care of herself", I shreik inside of my head. No one sees while she was in good health: I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of family members, and she did nothing to protect me. I had to study up on it and fend for myself. I grew to need several major surgeries requiring extensive recovery time, and all requests for her to help me during those times were easily waved off with some dumb excuse. I think of all the major achievements I was able to secure, and not once was she ever there for any of it. No graduations. No honorary or recognition ceremonies. No public speaking events. "Look ma! I did it"! "Good! I need you to help me figure out my insurance. Call this number for me..." -or- "Mom, I know it's Thanksgiving, but I'm too tired to drive there. It may not be safe". "Oh, just make sure your doors are locked when you are driving. You'll be fine. See you in the morning". That's the standard dialog. To everyone else, she's sweet, considerate, and easy-going. To me, she's a bossy sponge. I love her, but I've tried so hard to maintain distance my entire life. The closer I am in proximity, the more she says from me. I worked hard through my own illnesses as an adult. Kept them to myself because I learned she would never care the way a mother could. Chronic pain for 6 years. I finally get out of that, made it through the depression, the PTSD got medically cleared, started a healthy routine that involved less of me tearing away from my life to help my mother and more focus on myself. My weight improved. I became stronger. I was staying hydrated, for Christ's sake. Then she has a stroke. Wouldn't call 911. She called me. Turned out she told family who tried to help at the time that she was waiting for me. That I knew what was going on, and would help when I got there. She chose ME over 911 to "save her". My life has been hijacked. I'm to suspend my little bit of progress to perform the duties of the husband she never secured. This while attempting to work. I don't want to lose my career. I've worked hard my entire life for this ONE thing that's my own. I dreamed of the position I have the entire time I was in graduate school. Now, it's hanging on a thread. My performance is questionable because I'm bombarded by HER needs. Monitoring HER meds. Taking her to HER appointments. Talking to HER doctors. Protecting HER. "Thank God she has you"! Who the hell do I have?!?! If I have to put her in a nursing home, that comes out of MY savings. Respite care, that's MY savings. "Good thing you didn't have to leave a family at home or even a husband". How can I ever find the time to establish those things if she always finds a way or reason to screw things up more? In the hospital, she was an ideal patient. She was a fall risk and SUPER PROMISED the staff she wouldn't get out of bed on her own. When she got home, she decides to get up alone at 1am. Didn't call my name for assistance or ring her assistant bell as she had for hospital staff for 2 months. She waited until after she fell. And guess who was blamed by her docs? And guess who sat there not taking any accountability? I want out. Suicide seems like an easy way out of the guilt and obligation. I am already simmering in hell. I hate waking up. "But she's so sweet..."
But can you not go anywhere, please? If you feel as if you might fall over the edge, look up suicide helplines either online or in your local phone directory and CALL THEM.
There will be answers. But not if you're not around when they turn up.
Countrymouse will be back in a minute. She is the wise one.
There are answers. You are just too overwhelmed at the moment to see them.
You DO not have to spend your savings to rescue your Mom. That’s not the way this works.
Call a suicide hotline and talk to someone!
There will be plenty of help here with ideas how to manage your Moms situation. But they might not chime into this thread immediately.
I would like you to picture an ordinary middle aged woman sitting on a bench in Herefordshire, England, in the sun, with a cup of coffee, reading three pages of what I can only call... a scream.
Pain, anger, and frustration.
I hear you.
What's happened? Where are you now? At your mother's house? And she fell during the night, so it's now late morning and... is she at home, in hospital, what?
And what do you have to accomplish to be okay for work come Monday morning?
Caretaker, pretend you're someone else and reread both CM's and Lizzy's wise advice. What would you advise this person?
I see someone who's trapped in a negative relationship, articulating the abuse and entrapment, but not being able to move beyond that. If your best friend was in this situation, what would you advise her?
One example:
"How can I ever find the time to establish those things if she always finds a way or reason to screw things up more? "
You tell her that you can't fix the things she screwed up. You start backing off. When she tells you she needs something, you tell HER how she can manage it. Then you leave to go shopping, get your hair done, take a walk. But LEAVE her to manage on her own.
If she creates a situation in which she's injured, called EMS.
She sees you as always available, and you are. Change that. TODAY. NOW.
Make lists of all the things she manipulates to trap you; then think of ways she can do them herself. If there are specific instances, post here again. You have to be creative and turn her away to rely on others.
And sometimes you just don't answer your phone; let it go to voice mail.
She's relied on and manipulated you; you're trapped, but you don't have to be.
First, you're dealing with people who are either predators, or know how to act like them. I'm not speaking of stalking monsters, but people who know how to manipulate others.
Second, you have a history of abuse and family lack of support, apparent manipulation, and an obvious lack of respect.
Don't take this as a criticism, but I think some counseling could help you re-establish your own self worth and recognize your strengths, which you probably need to stand up to family and your mother.
First thing to do is stop being available. Take a "staycation", don't answer your phones, and if she has a crisis, she'll be forced to rely on someone else.
She's entrapped you into being her go-to for everything; stop being it.
Second thing is think of alternatives for everything you do for her. You don't need o do her grocery shopping. She can use the local senior center's transit van to do it.
List what you've done, which are the easiest to substitute and least critical, or at least not emergencies. When she calls, tell her you're on you want to a meeting, or you're helping someone else, and make suggestions on how she can manage the "crisis" herself.
I know this will be hard to do; she is your mother, even if she wasn't a good one. But you have to start resisting her.
And follow Lizzy's advice; call a suicide hotline. TODAY.
Caretaker - are you reading?
Are you safe? Please reach out, if only to PM CountryMouse.
If you have a Woman's Sexual Assualt Centre call them. It should not matter when you were abused. I know when I contacted my local one (they recently changed Sexual Assault to Violence in the name), they helped me to understand there are many forms of abuse and I had been the victim of ones I did not even know about, I just knew it was wrong.
I have a beautiful very good friend who was taught by her family that her needs did not matter at all. They covered up the actions of the uncle who abused her and forced her to continue to interact with him. She moved 800 miles away, but the messages still resonate in her head that she is not deserving.
Your family is similar, they will continue to expect you to attend to your mother, unless you very firmly say "No!" and tell them they will have to deal with whatever the problem is. They will make you out to be the bad guy. You will start to hear all sorts of stories about what a terrible daughter you are, ignore them all.
You need to save your own life, not attend to a manipulative woman who does not care about you, except in how you can cater to her whims.
The next emergancy call, tell whoever is on the phone, Mum, family etc, to call 911. You cannot attend. You do not have to give a reason why you cannot attend. No is a full sentence.
Next hospital stay, make it very clear to the social worker that "No" you cannot stay with your mother, nor can she stay with you. They will have to sort out other arrangements, the cannot force you to look after her.
Please talk to someone today, tomorrow and as many days ahead as you need to, to realize that you are a valuable woman who has a right to a happy life. You are a woman who has overcome many obstacales to achieve a career. You are strong. And you are strong enough to say "no more."
You started a healthy routine that involved less tearing away from your life to help your mother and more focus on yourself. That is not selfish, it is normal growth and progress. Keep trying.
blamed by her docs?
It is not true that you could prevent her from falling. The docs are wrong. Even when you place her where she needs to be, she may fall again when she tries to get herself out of bed against medical advice. Do not receive or accept this blame.
It is not true that the only option is for you to pay for Mom's placement in an appropriate facility.
That is called "All or nothing thinking" in cognitive thinking therapy.
You can learn even more distancing responses to detach with love. For example, when she was waiting for you, instead of calling 911 (she could have called them herself), you could have called 911 instead of going. You are NOT 911. You need to disabuse yourself from years of conditioned responses and skewed thinking re: your mother. You can break free, imo.
Keep venting here. You have us....you have CM.
disclaimer: No one here will be able to contact outside help for you, such as 911 in case of self-harm. So do not hurt yourself. Do not hurt that precious abandoned little child inside of you.
As an adult, it is up to you to protect the child inside of you. Deep breaths.
Come back. There is no shame in putting in writing what so many of us have felt and are recovering from. You do not need to hurt yourself.
"made it through the depression, the PTSD got medically cleared"
You can do that again.
My own history has some similarities to your. My mother had severe hearing loss. She used that as club to get her way in any situation. Amazingly, she could only hear her golden child. No one except a caregiver for a person with severe hearing loss can understand how that parent isolates you from enjoyment of your own life. There's always one more phone call. One more appointment, and the "I want you to do it". I'm 68 and my mother is deceased. It is only in the last two years that I've moved on in my own life. You can find happiness. I've gotten married. I'm able to do things I enjoy. People ask why I stay so busy. The answer is simple. I'm now able to live the life I was always wanted without her always in the background making demands.
You have time to live the life you want. It can happen.
Reach out whenever you need to. Say "no" to your mother or other family members. Start living for you - even if it's small things.
Take good care of your self.
Like others have said, don't let this woman, who was supposed to be a more caring mother, destroy you like that. Look at it this way, you've done all you possibly can and it's time for you. You have a right to it. It's more about the 'how' on enforcing the detachment from her after you hopefully plan to tell her 'what' you can no longer do for her.
And letting you be abused? In my opinion, you have a right to totally cut her out of your life because of her own continued abuse over the years, instead of wanting to repair your relationship. So unfortunately, you don't just have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, you have Present Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Don't let anyone, including your mom, continue imposing that on you. If you're at the point to taking an easy way out that's your signal to do something drastic for yourself, including seeking the right professional counseling, and get out of this situation ASAP in order to save yourself. One thing I've learned is, no one else is really going to step up for you but you. Picture your relatives saying, "She's had enough. I'm coming to the rescue!" Though I've had talks with relatives as if they'd be there for the seniors in my family, I learned the hard way myself that it's not the case, at least on a daily basis. And there are nurses in my family; a retired one who is home all day at that! They do have their own lives too, but the manipulative part is what turns me all the way off. Don't keep taking it from them; you must stand up for yourself and tell them like it really is; that they need to stop imposing their skewed beliefs on you. Shout it to them if you need to just for them to back off! Tell them to practice what they preach!
You can persevere with this test the same you did with school. Believe me, I get it. I'm going through it as I type. I hope you stay in touch on this board. It's a real eye-opener and a safe haven of a place because it tells the real deal, instead of sugar coating how a 'good daughter' or any relevant 'caretaker' should so-called be behaving. It's one of those traditional beliefs in society that can be scary, because it can easily ruin the lives of so many good people like you, me, and others on this board. So, please don't feel alone and keep reaching out until you get to a place of peace and healing. And most of all, pray about it!
What is your graduate degree in? It is not uncommon for someone highly intelligent, with degrees on the wall, to not be able to figure out the basic survival skills of life at times.
Others can help you with that, it is not even noon on the West Coast of U.S.A.
Are you in the U.S.A.? Isn't it interesting to you that you have already recieved some real caring from strangers in other countries, such as the UK, Canada, and other places.
You have got to appreciate that, whether you have sun today, or not.
There is also a Lyrid Meteor shower peaking on Sunday-I think just before dawn and/or just past midnight.
Happy Earth Day 2018.!!
Have you washed your face, and made your bed? Do you have enough kleenex on hand to last this weekend?
1. Stay awake all night, sit by her bed and watch her sleep, making sure you are awake and ready to help her up when she decides to get up in the middle of the night.
2.Sedate and use restraints so she cannot get up and fall
3. Get a hospital bed that lowers all the way to the floor and make sure there is nothing around for her to use to pull herself up. I doubt she can get herself up from a mattress that is practically on the floor. They use these in NHs for patients who are a high fall risk as restraints are illegal in NHs.
Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. I hope you have found some comfort and answers in the many posts that have reached out to you here.
However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide for you.
Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-8255
So I'm trying to distract myself from myself, while remembering myself, only to see how these vampires have the convenience of coming and going as they please.
My soul at this point literally feels raped and left for dead. Every resurrection thwarted.
As for my mom not calling 911... I didn't know she was having a stroke. She said it was sinus trouble. She also said she sounded tired. She DID say she needed to go to the hospital, but I had no way of knowing what was happening. I've tried the 911 route before and they were always false alarms. Now I'm passively berated by practitioners who don't know her history. "Why didn't YOU call 911"? I honestly wish I had.
I'm also the black sheep of the family. While in undergrad, I confronted a family member after an attempted assault. I told other family members whom I thought were kind and supportive. They turned on me instantly. Said I "came onto him, was rejected, and made up stories to be spiteful". This is because I'm apparently an 'exotic' siren who has exhausted the non-familial population or wants to keep the bloodline pure (that's sarcasm. I'm not completely gone....). The family who DO believe me have chosen to abandon me as well. My confrontational approach and mere existence is a reminder of their imperfections. It's cleaner for all of them to just stay away, I guess. They have also been openly venomous over my achievements, notoriety, and professional standing. I wasn't supposed to be much coming from a deaf mother. They are quick to remind me of this if I am ever published or someone familiar with my work mentions it to them.
I have done a poor job of this lifetime. I've enabled the groomers who have enabled the mother that I am enabling.
Answers to few other things:
-I live in the States
-my mother is outpatient now
-I DO have a therapist, but I think the retraumatizing is getting to her now.
-I have voiced how much I want to take the easy way out. It was ignored.
-I can't shower or eat reliably. Which makes me feel worse. When I try to carve out that time, something happens.
Thank you, Countrymouse. For everything. I will reach out to you soon.
Everyone's responses are ... Just wow... It is a positive thing to hear from you all, far and wide. It also helped me to identify some of the emotions Ive put aside. I'll be reading throughout the day... Digesting... Composing...
You are not responsible for her hearing loss or for her need for an interpreter.
You are not responsible if she doesn't take her pills or if she won't call 911.
You aren't responsible to see that she eats a balanced diet or for paying her way in a nursing home (sign her up for Medicaid).
You aren't responsible for always being "the good daughter" or for living up to an unreasonable image.
She has you emotionally handcuffed to her. But YOU have control of YOUR LIFE, not her. You need to learn how to make your life "yours".
You mother is an abuser of the wonderful gift of your time and assistance. She's a taker but not a giver. You are there to serve her needs. You know what they call people like your mother? Narcissistic. Many of us have/had mothers like you do. We have suffered abuse at their hand, as you have.
Many, like you, have become emotionally whipped from the treatment from their mothers. These mothers are emotionally unstable people. That is why she didn't protect you when you were abused. They are too into themselves and not in tune with other's needs.
But, it doesn't have to be that way any more. You need to reclaim your life. Your mother is a toxin to you right now. You need to separate yourself from her (as I did my dad) to start to heal. You also need professional help (therapy) to help you sort and straight things out. I did.
Right now you have to learn to love yourself. You need to develop YOUR life. It is NOT tied to hers. It's independent and needs to be cultivated without her sucking you dry.
Look at it this way, your suicide plan will only be a distraction. She will not be hurt by your actions. She will find another willing participant to use to gain what she wants. And you will have lost the chance to have a life of your own. Fight to take back your life. You've got a lot of great experiences ahead IF you take time to help yourself. LIVE the life God gave you. And, if it means excluding her, then that's what you've got to do. You are not a puppet.
You don't need to try to please her either. There is no pleasing or getting praise from narcissistic people. You have to learn to give yourself the pat on the back. The only thing narcissists will give you is a poor self image. It keeps you "in line" and always trying to win their favor, which they never give.
Call the suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255. Don't let this ruin the rest of your life. You matter to us.
Glad you’re back with us!
I just want to touch on something briefly. You’ve got a lot going on but the least of your worries should be funding your Mom’s care.
If your Mom doesn’t have funds to cover Nursing Home Care it is not your responsibility to drain your funds to support her care.
A Nursing Home Social Worker can assist with getting your Mom eligible for LTC Medicaid. Should Mom have any funds those are spent first, private pay. As those deplete LTC Medicaid is applied for.
If Mom needs to be in a Nursing Home you DO NOT pay for it.
Beautiful, wonderful Private Pay only Nursing Homes may not have the best staff.
Myself and others on this site have found for whatever reason, sometimes the not so bright and cheerful Nursing Homes have excellent staff.
Please don’t let your relatives bully you into not placing your Mom or insisting she only be placed in a self pay facility, one that you pay for.
If they have a ridiculous opinion on the matter, let them write the checks to the facility...out of their personal checking account.
I hope you are feeling a little better.
If you do, are you figuring out how to get your own living place?
Have you ever watched the movie, Now, Voyage? Your story reminds me of that script, which is prescriptive.
You need to say " no mom, I can't possibly do that " , and mean it.
You need to move on with your life and figure out how to get your own space. Homeless shelter? Yes, preferable to the cell you're living I now.
You of course need a therapist, possibly one trained in DBT.
I hope you can navigate this all, successfully. I believe you can ,
Thank you for your reply. I'll research new therapists who specialize in DBT tonight.
These waters are scary. I don't know how you guys do it, but I'm hoping to learn.
So, this is the moment at which you become permanently unavailable. You pack up and go back to your place, block her calls and texts.
Is there a reason that's not possible? Do you think you owe someone an explanation?
You can go home soon.
I have read before on this site, that caregivers may be responsible for getting care for their loved one, but not responsible for doing the hands on care. If need be, call APS telling them you are having a crisis of your own, and can no longer care for your Mom yourself. You have your own diagnosis to take care of.
They will be able to assess the situation, find or refer you to resources.
Call them anytime.