Support Group for Caregivers:

Google says it's 8:30 on the west coast - have you had your coffee yet Send or are you still tucked in bed?

Just got a mail order catalogue with tee shirt: " Please Unsubscribe Me to Your Issues."
(Hmm... wonder if my family would 'get it'?)

Removing oneself from the source of irritation early on can help.

Once, I had to jump out of bed and say: "And that is why therapists only have 45-50 minutes per session!"

When I had difficulty sleeping, I was advised to get out of bed, repeat a bedtime ritual (aka sleep hygiene), not to sweat it or lay there thinking, but read a book.

These 3:00 a.m. awakenings recently allow me to say hello to people all over the world as they are getting up. hello, going back to sleep soon. : )

Speaking of negative talk. My Hubs has a habit of joining me in bed at night and regaling me with all the negative thoughts in his head. Twice now it's led to me nearly having a panic attack. Last night for instance. I end up leaving the bedroom and hyperventilating in the other room. I've tried to get it through his head that thoughts are things. They pervade my mind and right now I don't need the added stress of the demons swirling around his head in addition to my own worries (especially right now). Don't get me wrong. I care about him and what concerns him. I just don't need it in my brain when I, an insomniac to begin with am trying to relax so I can go to sleep.

Groups. I've been the leader, the scapegoat (cheers Send!) and the one who desperately tried not to roll my eyes when someone monopolized the group with their life story every evening. (I left that group after three sessions)

Thanks for that Becky, sounds like some good information.
I was in a group therapy many years back. I now know that my role was the scapegoat, (not a 12 Step at all).

Feel free to enjoy the group here. Everyone is welcome.

I have contacted a few posters who will moderate if anyone gets to stinkin, because I would not make a good group leader.

BTW, Shell will not be joining us tonight, she has been locked out by a glitch
in the website, same as some of us are experiencing.

Shell, just so you know, there is a good reason I bring up your screen name.
There are little A/C website creatures following me around, and this is how I notify them of an issue, lol. Sometimes, they fix a problem right away, late at night.

Stinkin’ Thinkin’ Is a phrase commonly used with 12-step programs. It refers to negative thoughts or speech. Moderators in a 12 steps program will always try to redirect negative conversations in a 12 step meeting. Almost every group therapy will have certain personalities. There will usually be someone who tries to dominate the group. There will be a negative individual. There will be a drama person. If on one person talks about their problem, the drama person will have the problem only theirs will be much much worse. Friendships may develop that extend outside the group sessions and might be the cross talkers carrying on a private conversation or totally off topic. Friendships can be a problem in an open group. The friendships may make newcomers feel unwelcome. In a closed group that’s not a problem. Several years ago I worked with a closed Al Anon group. They were like a happy family; ended every meeting by going to a local Dairy Queen. They had been together for about 7 years. I’ve moderated groups for Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Overeators Anonymous, Survivors of Sexual Abuse and Survivors of Domestic abuse. While all are not identified as 12 step programs, they all have similar themes.

Shell- that is a great response. I am gonna copy that and put it on my desk,to remind myself.

Yes Shell, I have heard of "Self-talk". And it is within our own power to change our thoughts.

I am not qualified to speak accurately on just how 12-Step meetings work, but I did once hear someone refer to "stinkin thinkin". What's with that? For sure, I do not want to do that.

I use to feel guilt all the time. Like you Gershun, I am way to hard on myself! I guess, I think or have been programmed to believe that it is my job to take care, oversee, and solve everybody's problems. Wow, is that a lot to ask for from yourself or from anyone!!

In psychology there is this thing that a person can do to help change their thinking...what they say to themselves it is called "Self-talk."

Here is how I got over feeling guilty all the time:
1) I told myself out loud "I am not responsible for other people's happiness anymore than they are responsible for mind."
2) I told myself out loud "Guilt implys bad intent. I have done nothing wrong and that I am doing the best I can with what I have."
When you think some thing ask yourself this question "Is this thought rational or not, it has to be grounded in objective fact,
--It has to be in your best interest,
--It has to protect and prolong your life.
--It has to get you closer to the healthy goals you want in your life." --Dr. Phil
3) I also say out loud, I am not God and God does not need my help! I asked God to help me be me and let Him be Him. I also have asked God for help when I am thinking wrong thoughts and you may not believe this, but I feel sick to my stomach when I am thinking negative! This in turn makes me rethink whatever it is I am thinking! So, if I think I am a bad person for thinking something bad about a person then I feel sick, I ask God to forgive me and I try to think something good about that same person. If I can't then I ask God for help!
4) If God can take our sins and transgression and throw them in the sea of forgetfulness then who am I to hold on to them? He is the Master of the Universe! So, who am I to go into the sea of forgetfulness and dig them out?

Researchers have found that if we say things out loud for 21 days that we can change our thinking. The brain can and will remap itself. I really should find the name of the book that a guess speaker at my church wrote. She was a Neurologist/Pastor. Whatever it is I no longer feel guilt for things I have no control over! However, I still feel guilty when I do something wrong and this is because the Holy Spirit will let me know, if that makes any sense.

I have also found it is helpful to do self-talk to my kitties. Yes, this may sound crazy but it really does help.

Gershun, you and Daniel are in my thoughts today.

I hope this helps all the people who find themselves feeling guilty for things they have no control over!

Guilt...
I rely on the bible and trust this:

Romans 8:1. (NASB)

"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

My thoughts and feelings often condemn me, other people would like to criticize and condemn me. My mind gets very busy so I practice "thought stopping", replacing thoughts with an activity or a different, more positive thought.

I'm slowly thinking about Patience.... It helped me to remember that my aunt 's brain wasn't working like it used to, and it wasn't her fault.  She was not doing annoying things on purpose. 

Belief in a Supreme, loving Being also.  I know people of different religions, who have very similar spirituality and beliefs, and ask ancestors for their help, pray, and believe they are part of God's unconditional love.   I like that 'crowd of witnesses.'  People from times before there was writing asked ancestors for help, honored and thanked them. 

I struggle with not knowing if I can change a situation (and I worry or have guilt) or if I am powerless.  If it is time to let go, it is reassuring to believe I can hand it over to God, and He/She will take care of it. Prayers are answered, even if the answer is "Just wait, I have something better for you.'  I just don't always have the wisdom to know to let go, or keep trying.  That's when talking it out with someone, or going to a Forum for some advice, is precious.

Guilt? I'll keep thinking.

Okay, Guilt.
This topic requires some time for reflection, so tomorrow we will look forward to hearing from someone who is completely innocent of all things. : )

Gershun- you took the words right out of my mouth.
Guilt is a tough one
I wish I had the answer of how to stop it. I can do everything right and still feel it. You know.
Sigh

Yes guilt. I have always suffered with some form of guilt all my life. Am I doing enough? Am I being understanding enough? Am I being selfish? Should I have said that? Oh my goodness, I swore, I thought an unkind thought about someone, oh no, am I a bad person,? It never ends with me? My mom took us all to Church growing up and yet I seem to be the one with the major guilt complex in my family. I'm very hard on myself and always have been. I ask God for forgiveness for things several times instead of just once even though I know he said that if we ask for forgiveness it is forgotten.

Someone out there know how I can stop doing this?

Send- can you add guilt to the list?

LivingSouth,
Kudos for doing an incredibly good job!

Thank you Gershun for helping to moderate this new discussion.

I remember Cwillie, you did an awesome job!

Does anyone have a topic they would like to discuss today?

We can continue with the topic PATIENCE,
or some suggestions for which you have had some success:

Sleepless
Anger
Worry
Grief
Healthy schedules and routines.

(Thank you Luckylu for the suggestions).

US Marines-Days of Elijah
Singing
Camp Pendleton, CA

Behold he comes
Riding on the clouds
Shining like the sun
At the trumpet call

(Coming with a great cloud of witnesses)

So true LivingSouth, when we had the memorial service for my mom the pastor said that about the cloud of witnesses.

My brother is seriously ill now and today I found out my dear cat has cancer so I need that cloud of witnesses more than ever.

The worry can really drag one down. I have to learn to pray about things and leave them in God's hands. That's the best advice one can give a person I think.

Try to get out in nature some - just read new article that says it really does help with anxiety and depression.
Take it one day at a time ( and I am a chronic worrier so this is hard) I hear how mindfulness can help and meditation. I'm trying to do meditation more often because my brain runs 80 mph all the time.
I look back on the experiences and I think about how I would have never believed - when I was a kid - that I would be able to stand up to medical professionals, make good decisions, and look after finances and legal matters. Just had the ER doctor pull me aside and tell me ' you have been doing an incredibly good job.'
I don't know how to explain this - the last two weeks have been incredibly stressful, and sad, but I had the uncanny feeling that my relatives who have already passed were cheering me on and just very approving of what I have already done - and I believe this is true for every caregiver out there.
The Bible says there are a 'cloud of witnesses' and I think there is.
Do the best you can, and there will be someone who notices.

Those are great ideas cwillie and Gershun! Laugh and Lower your expectations.I can remind myself to do that the next time things get bleak.Thanks~

Humor!! If you have a good sense of one............that's a huge bonus.

Mom had a great one and I have as my husband says "a head full of laugh"

So, when I got impatient, I'd try to find the humor and get my mom to laugh too.

She was a funny lady, she said once to me "I take so many pills now I'm surprised I don't rattle"

Some of you may remember this wasn't one of my best qualities, but...
The key to patience is to lower your expectations, both of the care recipient and yourself.

And if you are ready to blow then it's OK to just leave - not far and not for long, maybe just into the next room or out the back door or for a quick jog around the block - just until the situation is somewhat defused or you are able to tackle it with a little more grace.

Today's helpful topic is PATIENCE.
How does one become more patient with loved ones, when on the verge of losing it?

One can start their day anew, anytime, any hour.

Thank you Smeshque, Gershun, CWillie, and TNtechie for your contributions.

Soft and fluffy KUDOS to all. Like a bunny that allows you to pick it up and hug it!

Support group meets anytime 24/7, see ya then!

In the moment, saying "I'll be back in a couple of minutes" and stepping into the hall to take a couple of deep breathes and compose myself. Don't think about your pain or frustration, think about how your LO needs a good and kind care giver.

In the immediate aftermath, taking a cup of coffee or a glass of iced tea and spending 5 minutes drinking it outside on the porch or in weather extremes in front of the big living room windows reduces my stress levels.

Taking a daily walk and/or a long soaking bath, even if I need to wait until the middle of night to not be interrupted. Working on organizing my digital photos to enjoy happier days again. Asking my LO for more information about some decades old photo.

Long term, staying in touch with the family, especially the grandkids generation (mostly my grand-nephews and grand-nieces but some kids in the more extended family too) brings more joy and stress relief than any other action.

Letting go of the worry by telling God all about it and leaving it in his hands as much as I am able. Accepting that I am not a perfect care giver and that I will make mistakes even when I am doing my best. Accepting most mistakes do not really matter in the long term and letting go of the guilt.

I've been out of the trenches long enough that the memory of my coping strategies (or lack of them) is fading away, and that's a good thing.

Of course my weekly respite breaks were essential, and getting some kind of fresh air and exercise.

AgingCare gave me a place to vent and a social outlet and the world wide web in general gave me answers, I don't think I could have made it without them.

Music, music was a big one. Funny how I seldom listen any more.

Unfortunately I've developed an enduring addiction to sweets and coffee because they were often the only comfort available.

Hi Send,

I just found this thread. I typed it in wrong the first few times.

My care giving journey with my mom was at first maybe a bit of a self pity party for me. My fear of losing her blinded me to what was important and that was her welfare. But once I got past the fear and the sadness I pulled up my big girl panties and took I out of the picture and concentrated on her.

So my advice for any one tackling this journey would be do it out of love and less out of obligation because something done just out of obligation becomes a chore and resentment sets in and then disgruntlement and the focus becomes about you and not who you're caring for.

But, do continue to take care of you along the way cause if you don't you'll not be able to help anyway. Continue to eat properly, exercise, sleep when you can and if you are a believer as I am, let go and let God. Be quiet and listen for that still small voice that will guide you.

Good thread Send.
I can only say that what I have learned that love and patience is the key to surviving and doing well care giving. And being sacrificial. And the only way I personally have been able to have these things along with strength and endurance is the same as LuckyLu- through Christ.
If we rely on anything else, we will fail. Speaking only from personal experiences and success.
When I first started this journey I was a total mess. But when I realized where my help comes from, it has even at times become a joyful experience. And my patience has grown so very much. And my Love even more so.
I speak truth and I am living proof that what I am saying works.