Support Group for Caregivers:

Should someone make some rules for the group therapy?

In the 12-step groups, there is no cross talking allowed. What is cross talking?
Answer on google is:
"Crosstalk is giving advice to others who have already shared, speaking directly to another person rather than to the group and questioning or interrupting the person speaking at the time."

I am an advice-giver, so that will be hard for me. I will try not to cross talk if that rule is accepted by the group.

We will need a group moderator, who knows how to do that? Volunteers needed.
I would like to nominate CWillie, Countrymouse, If at all they would be participating. First posters early a.m. would be nice, imo.

Sometimes, I just take my hubs by the hand, and say:
"We will get through this together".

When I got overwhelmed and feeling guilty, I'd whine to DH (who was feeling well then), he'd listen amd then remind me that Auntie was much better with us than she was home alone, 2 states away.  If that had continued, she'd be dead by now....take a break and be easy on myself. I needed that reminder.  I also get reminded here on-line about that glass being more than half full.

Thanks Grannie Annie!
So being grateful helps.

I have heard from members who are having a hard time finding this "Discussion".
So congratulations if you tried so hard and then found it! I count that as a success.
Kudos for you! From me.

Also, Kudos to the many exercise buddies over on another thread for keeping it up, or for keeping going back!

My dH rides with a group, who afterwards send KUDOS to members on their cell phones. Sometimes, I wonder if he rides his bicycle the 45 miles just for so many KUDOS..

I would think just get through the next 12 hours or next 6 hours or next hour.
I would think I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I would remember that God was right there with me.
And writing. I wrote down how I was feeling and that helped some just getting it out and onto paper.

Thank you Luckylu!

I can too!

Happy 1st Day of Summer!
Somewhere, somehow, there is a body of water with your name on it, just waiting for you to celebrate summer!

Good thread Send.
I can only say that what I have learned that love and patience is the key to surviving and doing well care giving. And being sacrificial. And the only way I personally have been able to have these things along with strength and endurance is the same as LuckyLu- through Christ.
If we rely on anything else, we will fail. Speaking only from personal experiences and success.
When I first started this journey I was a total mess. But when I realized where my help comes from, it has even at times become a joyful experience. And my patience has grown so very much. And my Love even more so.
I speak truth and I am living proof that what I am saying works.

Hi Send,

I just found this thread. I typed it in wrong the first few times.

My care giving journey with my mom was at first maybe a bit of a self pity party for me. My fear of losing her blinded me to what was important and that was her welfare. But once I got past the fear and the sadness I pulled up my big girl panties and took I out of the picture and concentrated on her.

So my advice for any one tackling this journey would be do it out of love and less out of obligation because something done just out of obligation becomes a chore and resentment sets in and then disgruntlement and the focus becomes about you and not who you're caring for.

But, do continue to take care of you along the way cause if you don't you'll not be able to help anyway. Continue to eat properly, exercise, sleep when you can and if you are a believer as I am, let go and let God. Be quiet and listen for that still small voice that will guide you.

I've been out of the trenches long enough that the memory of my coping strategies (or lack of them) is fading away, and that's a good thing.

Of course my weekly respite breaks were essential, and getting some kind of fresh air and exercise.

AgingCare gave me a place to vent and a social outlet and the world wide web in general gave me answers, I don't think I could have made it without them.

Music, music was a big one. Funny how I seldom listen any more.

Unfortunately I've developed an enduring addiction to sweets and coffee because they were often the only comfort available.

In the moment, saying "I'll be back in a couple of minutes" and stepping into the hall to take a couple of deep breathes and compose myself. Don't think about your pain or frustration, think about how your LO needs a good and kind care giver.

In the immediate aftermath, taking a cup of coffee or a glass of iced tea and spending 5 minutes drinking it outside on the porch or in weather extremes in front of the big living room windows reduces my stress levels.

Taking a daily walk and/or a long soaking bath, even if I need to wait until the middle of night to not be interrupted. Working on organizing my digital photos to enjoy happier days again. Asking my LO for more information about some decades old photo.

Long term, staying in touch with the family, especially the grandkids generation (mostly my grand-nephews and grand-nieces but some kids in the more extended family too) brings more joy and stress relief than any other action.

Letting go of the worry by telling God all about it and leaving it in his hands as much as I am able. Accepting that I am not a perfect care giver and that I will make mistakes even when I am doing my best. Accepting most mistakes do not really matter in the long term and letting go of the guilt.

Thank you Smeshque, Gershun, CWillie, and TNtechie for your contributions.

Soft and fluffy KUDOS to all. Like a bunny that allows you to pick it up and hug it!

Support group meets anytime 24/7, see ya then!

One can start their day anew, anytime, any hour.

Today's helpful topic is PATIENCE.
How does one become more patient with loved ones, when on the verge of losing it?

Some of you may remember this wasn't one of my best qualities, but...
The key to patience is to lower your expectations, both of the care recipient and yourself.

And if you are ready to blow then it's OK to just leave - not far and not for long, maybe just into the next room or out the back door or for a quick jog around the block - just until the situation is somewhat defused or you are able to tackle it with a little more grace.

Humor!! If you have a good sense of one............that's a huge bonus.

Mom had a great one and I have as my husband says "a head full of laugh"

So, when I got impatient, I'd try to find the humor and get my mom to laugh too.

She was a funny lady, she said once to me "I take so many pills now I'm surprised I don't rattle"

Those are great ideas cwillie and Gershun! Laugh and Lower your expectations.I can remind myself to do that the next time things get bleak.Thanks~

Try to get out in nature some - just read new article that says it really does help with anxiety and depression.
Take it one day at a time ( and I am a chronic worrier so this is hard) I hear how mindfulness can help and meditation. I'm trying to do meditation more often because my brain runs 80 mph all the time.
I look back on the experiences and I think about how I would have never believed - when I was a kid - that I would be able to stand up to medical professionals, make good decisions, and look after finances and legal matters. Just had the ER doctor pull me aside and tell me ' you have been doing an incredibly good job.'
I don't know how to explain this - the last two weeks have been incredibly stressful, and sad, but I had the uncanny feeling that my relatives who have already passed were cheering me on and just very approving of what I have already done - and I believe this is true for every caregiver out there.
The Bible says there are a 'cloud of witnesses' and I think there is.
Do the best you can, and there will be someone who notices.

So true LivingSouth, when we had the memorial service for my mom the pastor said that about the cloud of witnesses.

My brother is seriously ill now and today I found out my dear cat has cancer so I need that cloud of witnesses more than ever.

The worry can really drag one down. I have to learn to pray about things and leave them in God's hands. That's the best advice one can give a person I think.

US Marines-Days of Elijah
Singing
Camp Pendleton, CA

Behold he comes
Riding on the clouds
Shining like the sun
At the trumpet call

(Coming with a great cloud of witnesses)

Does anyone have a topic they would like to discuss today?

We can continue with the topic PATIENCE,
or some suggestions for which you have had some success:

Sleepless
Anger
Worry
Grief
Healthy schedules and routines.

(Thank you Luckylu for the suggestions).

LivingSouth,
Kudos for doing an incredibly good job!

Thank you Gershun for helping to moderate this new discussion.

I remember Cwillie, you did an awesome job!

Send- can you add guilt to the list?

Yes guilt. I have always suffered with some form of guilt all my life. Am I doing enough? Am I being understanding enough? Am I being selfish? Should I have said that? Oh my goodness, I swore, I thought an unkind thought about someone, oh no, am I a bad person,? It never ends with me? My mom took us all to Church growing up and yet I seem to be the one with the major guilt complex in my family. I'm very hard on myself and always have been. I ask God for forgiveness for things several times instead of just once even though I know he said that if we ask for forgiveness it is forgotten.

Someone out there know how I can stop doing this?

Gershun- you took the words right out of my mouth.
Guilt is a tough one
I wish I had the answer of how to stop it. I can do everything right and still feel it. You know.
Sigh

Okay, Guilt.
This topic requires some time for reflection, so tomorrow we will look forward to hearing from someone who is completely innocent of all things. : )

I'm slowly thinking about Patience.... It helped me to remember that my aunt 's brain wasn't working like it used to, and it wasn't her fault.  She was not doing annoying things on purpose. 

Belief in a Supreme, loving Being also.  I know people of different religions, who have very similar spirituality and beliefs, and ask ancestors for their help, pray, and believe they are part of God's unconditional love.   I like that 'crowd of witnesses.'  People from times before there was writing asked ancestors for help, honored and thanked them. 

I struggle with not knowing if I can change a situation (and I worry or have guilt) or if I am powerless.  If it is time to let go, it is reassuring to believe I can hand it over to God, and He/She will take care of it. Prayers are answered, even if the answer is "Just wait, I have something better for you.'  I just don't always have the wisdom to know to let go, or keep trying.  That's when talking it out with someone, or going to a Forum for some advice, is precious.

Guilt? I'll keep thinking.

Guilt...
I rely on the bible and trust this:

Romans 8:1. (NASB)

"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

My thoughts and feelings often condemn me, other people would like to criticize and condemn me. My mind gets very busy so I practice "thought stopping", replacing thoughts with an activity or a different, more positive thought.

I use to feel guilt all the time. Like you Gershun, I am way to hard on myself! I guess, I think or have been programmed to believe that it is my job to take care, oversee, and solve everybody's problems. Wow, is that a lot to ask for from yourself or from anyone!!

In psychology there is this thing that a person can do to help change their thinking...what they say to themselves it is called "Self-talk."

Here is how I got over feeling guilty all the time:
1) I told myself out loud "I am not responsible for other people's happiness anymore than they are responsible for mind."
2) I told myself out loud "Guilt implys bad intent. I have done nothing wrong and that I am doing the best I can with what I have."
When you think some thing ask yourself this question "Is this thought rational or not, it has to be grounded in objective fact,
--It has to be in your best interest,
--It has to protect and prolong your life.
--It has to get you closer to the healthy goals you want in your life." --Dr. Phil
3) I also say out loud, I am not God and God does not need my help! I asked God to help me be me and let Him be Him. I also have asked God for help when I am thinking wrong thoughts and you may not believe this, but I feel sick to my stomach when I am thinking negative! This in turn makes me rethink whatever it is I am thinking! So, if I think I am a bad person for thinking something bad about a person then I feel sick, I ask God to forgive me and I try to think something good about that same person. If I can't then I ask God for help!
4) If God can take our sins and transgression and throw them in the sea of forgetfulness then who am I to hold on to them? He is the Master of the Universe! So, who am I to go into the sea of forgetfulness and dig them out?

Researchers have found that if we say things out loud for 21 days that we can change our thinking. The brain can and will remap itself. I really should find the name of the book that a guess speaker at my church wrote. She was a Neurologist/Pastor. Whatever it is I no longer feel guilt for things I have no control over! However, I still feel guilty when I do something wrong and this is because the Holy Spirit will let me know, if that makes any sense.

I have also found it is helpful to do self-talk to my kitties. Yes, this may sound crazy but it really does help.

Gershun, you and Daniel are in my thoughts today.

I hope this helps all the people who find themselves feeling guilty for things they have no control over!

Yes Shell, I have heard of "Self-talk". And it is within our own power to change our thoughts.

I am not qualified to speak accurately on just how 12-Step meetings work, but I did once hear someone refer to "stinkin thinkin". What's with that? For sure, I do not want to do that.