I want input for my husband. Should he be changing his 95-year-old mother's Depends? He's uncomfortable with the thought.

I'm old. I can tell you that I wont mind who keeps me dry just so long as someone does. Dignity has little to no consequence at a certain point in life.

Perhaps it's time for this dear one to be in a facility where professionals take care of her and the family can come in dignity and visit after others have done the hard jobs.

I'm with sadTexas Sister and Marcia7321. Hubby would not want to change places with is sister, I guarantee you. Since he can't man up to the job, someone needs to be hired part time to do this essential and other care while his sister gets a break each day to have something of a life of her own.

As a Daughter I would say respect and dignity come into place. I myself would absolutely NOT want a man to change my private things ! Helping to feed or walk or even help change sheets or do wash But things of a private nature I would want a care giver or a lady ! Getting old with a sense of pride is special. There is a limit to everything ! I would feel sad and depressed. If there is no other option then it would be different ! I throw the Red flag down. God Bless this poor woman ! And the shame. What son or brother wants to see his own Mothers private parts !

i am 60 years old and gay. i had my mom here for three years, and the last year i had to not only change her diaper and wipe her, but apply powders and ointments to her vagina and her butt, otherwise rash city and UTI to boot. you think that was fun? but i did it, because it was my mom, and somebody had to do it, right? outside care can't be there 24/7, do you know what visiting angels costs once you start racking up the hours, what a financial nightmare that would be! for all her words and crocodile sentiment, my sister wasn't going to do it, my mom would have been in a home if it was up to her but i didn't let it be up to her. conclusion: if he's willing to do it, have at it.

Such good comments here, and some lousy ones too. Fitzgerald, CTTN55, and SadTexasSister All need to be reminded that this is a support site not a bashing site!! My take is that he might be a little timid at certain aspects of caregiving.. Not that he refuses to do so... Nowhere does it say that he leaves her in soiled clothing.... Rant over... When my mom was in a facility after her last stroke, all of the CNAs would clean her up using a thick hand towel folded over that was very damp. They never touched her skin with hands, kept her gown on to protect her modesty.. Before her stroke she would do enemas and use suppositories too. Not at all pleasant but something she needed and I did for her.. It is amazing the things we do for love..

I would get an aide to come into the house a few hours a week to give your sister in law a break. As a mom myself there is no way in hell I’d have my son diapering me. If your husband is uncomfortable people need to respect that it’s not the depends that’s the issue. He’s trying to keep her dignity in tact. Good for him! Was her husband a war time veteran? If so apply for aide and attendance as she could receive up to 1000.00 a month toward the cost of her care from the VA. I had my grandmother living with me and I’d never have changed her depend regardless of her cognitive state she wouldn’t have wanted it and I respected her wishes. Just because one sibling does it does not mean the other should.

I change my 90yo Mother's when my daughter is not coming. I do not do the detailed genitalia clean up however since she will come the next day and do it. Hope this helps.

My YB has had care of my mother for 22 years. In the last 7-8 years she has required this kind of personal care several times. Brother just does it. If he had to wait for me to show up, or another sister, it could be months.

He is as kind as he can be, and just gets the job done. Mother has never complained.

But, brother is an EMT and has seen EVERYTHING under the sun.

I don't see why he can't do this. It's not pleasant, for either parties, but it's a necessity.

I cannot even imagine my brother taking on this task, though I know many men who absolutely would, including my husband and my sons. I know one man who did this for his mom for 2 years. But your husband can't? He must find another solution if he is in charge part time. How about you? Will you do it for your husband's mother?

When it comes to care of elderly family members, many choices are hard to make. The heart of the matter is that the care of the patient is the primary concern. I understand being uncomfortable with changing Depends of parent of different sex. However, dignity is hard to maintain when you are wearing a soiled garment. I have learned, by watching and doing, from wonderful Hopice aides that helped with my husband's grandmother, that you can find a middleground of sorts.
My advice would be to learn the easiest procedure of accomplishing the task, for you and her. A small towel strategically placed when possible may help. When you are the only caregiver in the house at the moment you have to make the choice. The Depends can accommodate a certain amount of urine without needing to be changed for a bit. The other, well..... dignity gets harder to maintain. Good luck and God bless.

I understand the dignity thing. My dad really didn't want me to help him that way. However, there comes a time when it is necessary and adjustments are made. Think of it this way. He should. Her skin needs cleaning and protection. If the sister finds that without any other help, the job becomes too much, Mom might end up in a nursing home where male CNAs might be tasked with changing her depends. Sis should demonstrate the process a few times so he is educated on best technique. If he really doesn't want to do it, he can hire a CNA to be there when he is there so that mom isn't left sitting in her wet depends. These helpers can also perform light housekeeping as well or could be company for mom while your husband does some other task around the house.

I have to wonder why you would attack his sister when she is living this 24/7, dirty depends and all, her brother comes over to let her go out, for what, grocery shopping, pick up moms meds. Maybe 1x a month to do his "part" those are details we don't have, but I promise you, I would be more than difficult if I came home to a mess because he wouldn't do what is needed. It's not just a dirty depends after hours, now it's a leaking depends and dirty stinky whatever she is sitting, laying on. The problem and mess gets bigger the longer it is neglected.

His sister is doing a tremendously difficult job, please give her support and not criticisms. Maybe your husband can pay for an aide to come in and care for his mom to give his overworked underappreciated sister time to defuse from all the stress of caregiving, you may find she is not difficult at all, just burnt out and overwhelmed by her life being completely consumed by the care she provides for mom.

When my Grandma was dying of lung cancer my dad gave her a suppository. You do what you have to do, when you have to, for the care and comfort of your loved one. If your husband's mother is uncomfortable with him helping her then best to get some help with that. Problem is how do you get help just to change a diaper?

God bless you both as you go through this.

I've had to wipe my Aunt's bum (I'm her full time caregiving nephew), even had to don some plastic gloves and go spelunking one time when the turd got stuck half way in and half way out. You get over it. I'll admit it's been the worst part of this whole ordeal and to date the yuckiest thing I've had to do in life, but I'm still breathing.

When my Dad was in the nursing home after his stroke (left him aphasic and partially paralyzed on his right side) I helped him to the bathroom and helped him change his diaper. When my honey's edema got out of hand and near the end of his life, I changed his pull ups, cleaned him up after he had an accident and cleaned the floors and toilet when he missed. It was a blow to his ego but as I had no help he and I both knew there was no choice and he would not allow anyone else to do it. I used gloves and had wipes that helped in cleaning him up. I lost my Dad in 1986 and my Honey two weeks ago. I would not trade for the time that I had with both.

I agree with everyone. If he is not willing to do the depends change then someone needs to be hired to do it.

I do understand the uncomfortable part, however I did end up changing my dad. For me, if he needed it, I was the only one, and in a different way, you are preserving their dignity as you are their family and not an outsider.

I think of it more as a necessity and something that is important and must be done quickly to keep mom dry and clean. At first it bothered me but it became easier and I just wanted to help my dad. If possible, keep gloves and sensitive skin wipes on hand to help you. I hope that encourages you! Thank you for all you do for your family!!

I can only say that I, a daughter, would have changed my father if it had come to that.

The day he passed, my BIL held my father up at the toilet and I, the daughter, wiped his behind. He was wearing a 'pull-up' but had asked to be taken to the bathroom so together we took my father to the bathroom.

My DH was 96 when he passed and he wore no briefs because for us it was easier - the us being me, the wife, and he the husband. I was able to walk him to the bathroom and cleaned him after he was done. For urination, I helped him to get up, supported him and held the urinal for him.

We all do what must be done. There is a time for dignity and a time when it no longer matters.

Different strokes for different folks! I can understand his being uncomfortable in the situation. The fact remains that it has to be taken care of swiftly! So, if he can't then it's just crucial that he arranged someone to be there who can do it. I don't think it's laziness or fear of ick. It's just a man, not comfortable changing his mom's depend.

If she can't do it herself, then yes, he should absolutely be doing it. It's not safe or sanitary to stay in soiled diapers too long. She can get sores, rashes, cellulitis, etc. Diapering is a medical procedure, albeit an unpleasant one, and he needs to either jump in and help, or find someone who will. Honestly, if it were my mom, I wouldn't leave her alone with him until he's willing to step up.

You do what you have to do while providing loving care and support . If you can get assistance - Great! But if not - put the rubber gloves on and thank the Lord you can be there to provide Loving care. Paid workers are Great and provide attentive care - but don't provide the same bond of love.

I am a man, and I helped my mom with her toileting, including changing her Depend undergarments. My mom had Alzheimer’s Disease, and so it became very hard for her to do many things.


It was a bit uncomfortable for me at first, but I was the only one around to do it. If Mom was uncomfortable about it, she never said anything, and I never asked. It was just my way of dealing with it.


Eventually, in my mind, the rolls reversed, and I became the father, and she became my child. However, this does not mean that I ever lost respect for my mom.


I love my mom. She died in June of 2017. I have never been married and have no children. It is a bit lonesome without her. She was my world for 20 years, after the passing of my dad, and I miss her terribly.


Encourage your husband to take care of his mom or make arrangements for someone else to do it. She should NEVER be left to sit in her soiled Depend. By the way, I would ask my mom several times a day if “it was time to go to the bathroom”. I would help her into the bathroom. Sometimes she had to “go” and other times not. But, often this would reduce the cleanup time, if caught in advance.


If his mom is unable to wipe herself any more, make sure you talk to him about how to wipe a woman to prevent infection. I would also make sure you have wipes around to help with the cleanup.


I wish you all the best.

How does the Mom feel? Is she alert and oriented? Does she have dementia?

I am a female and never, ever could I have done that for my dad. I would have had to hire someone.

What is your husband doing now when he's there? Leaving his mother in soiled/wet briefs?

This sounds like rationization. When it comes to elder care, as with child care, there is no option of “drawing the line.” That is REALLY self-indulgent.

This man seems to be thinking not at all about dignity, except his own, and the wife is supporting this self-centeredness. Triangulating about his mother’s dignity does not get the job done. How does it respect his SISTER to assign her the poopy jobs?
No one has to be talked into liking this essential task. Who on earth would like it?! Of course the sister is “difficult” — might it be that she finds his lame excuse annoying, and the wife’s support of ber husband annoying, too?
The sister seems to know that the situation is not one that can accommodate his inclinations & sensibilities. Poop is not a respecter of feelings.

Heck, no one likes doing this. HE needs to make other arrangements for when this happens on his watch. Arrangements that don’t include leaving it for his over-stressed sister to deal with when she returns.

Quite simply, just do it or hire someone to do it.
It's very important to change briefs in a timely manner so there's no chance of breakdown (elder's skin becomes thin; breakdowns in the skin are possible when sitting in a wet brief).
I (female) never thought I'd be changing my dad's briefs and cleaning his privates, yet I am.
Just doing what's required....

Doesn't it depend on what the mother wants? Does she still have her mental faculties? If so, perhaps not.

He can either PAY someone to come help with this or he will have to step up to help with this task. Honestly, after doing it a couple of times, you just look at it as a task that must be completed and you learn to mentally detach yourself from it. Wearing gloves, a mask, an old shirt, etc. helps. Have all the necessary tools, wastebasket, etc. available before starting.

If he is acting caretaker then yes. He will find after he has done it a couple of times the discomfort he feels will stop. It will be caring for his mother whom he loves and it is for her comfort.

Time to think about the consequences. In an otherwise healthy body, sitting in a soiled diaper, if it only happens on rare occasion, can cause a urinary infection (and yes, that can happen in an hour or less). If detected and treated quickly, that may be nearly 'no harm.'

But in a frail, elderly body -- with papery skin and poor circulation -- even an hour in a wet diaper can cause skin breakdown, an early-stage bedsore. Sometimes these don't heal, become infected, get progressively worse. They are ghastly painful and can lead to a whole-body infection.

I'm inclined to agree with the commenters who say 'some folks just can't do diapers of adults' ... but if he can't, then there needs to be a provision for someone to be there who can. And the right answer isn't to insist that the sister stay home 24/7 -- she deserves a life and may have many other obligations and needs.

Bottom line: husband needs to be taught how, and become willing to do it. Or someone needs to be hired for those times. But letting an elder get infections and sores is not an option.

How is this his sister being "difficult?" No consideration for her sounds like. Since you are so worried about your husband's feelings why don't you step-up and take his place? Seriously, I have to wonder if this is about preserving dignity or just laziness or him not wanting to do his share of the "icky" part of caring for mom. The sister currently doing the care must be worn out. These things can be handled with dignity. No one likes these tasks, but it often seems one or two people in the family are the ones left to do them because others "just can't handle it." Throwing the BS flag on this one.