I want input for my husband. Should he be changing his 95-year-old mother's Depends? He's uncomfortable with the thought.

How does the Mom feel? Is she alert and oriented? Does she have dementia?

I am a female and never, ever could I have done that for my dad. I would have had to hire someone.

I am a man, and I helped my mom with her toileting, including changing her Depend undergarments. My mom had Alzheimer’s Disease, and so it became very hard for her to do many things.


It was a bit uncomfortable for me at first, but I was the only one around to do it. If Mom was uncomfortable about it, she never said anything, and I never asked. It was just my way of dealing with it.


Eventually, in my mind, the rolls reversed, and I became the father, and she became my child. However, this does not mean that I ever lost respect for my mom.


I love my mom. She died in June of 2017. I have never been married and have no children. It is a bit lonesome without her. She was my world for 20 years, after the passing of my dad, and I miss her terribly.


Encourage your husband to take care of his mom or make arrangements for someone else to do it. She should NEVER be left to sit in her soiled Depend. By the way, I would ask my mom several times a day if “it was time to go to the bathroom”. I would help her into the bathroom. Sometimes she had to “go” and other times not. But, often this would reduce the cleanup time, if caught in advance.


If his mom is unable to wipe herself any more, make sure you talk to him about how to wipe a woman to prevent infection. I would also make sure you have wipes around to help with the cleanup.


I wish you all the best.

You do what you have to do while providing loving care and support . If you can get assistance - Great! But if not - put the rubber gloves on and thank the Lord you can be there to provide Loving care. Paid workers are Great and provide attentive care - but don't provide the same bond of love.

If she can't do it herself, then yes, he should absolutely be doing it. It's not safe or sanitary to stay in soiled diapers too long. She can get sores, rashes, cellulitis, etc. Diapering is a medical procedure, albeit an unpleasant one, and he needs to either jump in and help, or find someone who will. Honestly, if it were my mom, I wouldn't leave her alone with him until he's willing to step up.

Different strokes for different folks! I can understand his being uncomfortable in the situation. The fact remains that it has to be taken care of swiftly! So, if he can't then it's just crucial that he arranged someone to be there who can do it. I don't think it's laziness or fear of ick. It's just a man, not comfortable changing his mom's depend.

I can only say that I, a daughter, would have changed my father if it had come to that.

The day he passed, my BIL held my father up at the toilet and I, the daughter, wiped his behind. He was wearing a 'pull-up' but had asked to be taken to the bathroom so together we took my father to the bathroom.

My DH was 96 when he passed and he wore no briefs because for us it was easier - the us being me, the wife, and he the husband. I was able to walk him to the bathroom and cleaned him after he was done. For urination, I helped him to get up, supported him and held the urinal for him.

We all do what must be done. There is a time for dignity and a time when it no longer matters.

I do understand the uncomfortable part, however I did end up changing my dad. For me, if he needed it, I was the only one, and in a different way, you are preserving their dignity as you are their family and not an outsider.

I think of it more as a necessity and something that is important and must be done quickly to keep mom dry and clean. At first it bothered me but it became easier and I just wanted to help my dad. If possible, keep gloves and sensitive skin wipes on hand to help you. I hope that encourages you! Thank you for all you do for your family!!

When my Dad was in the nursing home after his stroke (left him aphasic and partially paralyzed on his right side) I helped him to the bathroom and helped him change his diaper. When my honey's edema got out of hand and near the end of his life, I changed his pull ups, cleaned him up after he had an accident and cleaned the floors and toilet when he missed. It was a blow to his ego but as I had no help he and I both knew there was no choice and he would not allow anyone else to do it. I used gloves and had wipes that helped in cleaning him up. I lost my Dad in 1986 and my Honey two weeks ago. I would not trade for the time that I had with both.

I agree with everyone. If he is not willing to do the depends change then someone needs to be hired to do it.

I've had to wipe my Aunt's bum (I'm her full time caregiving nephew), even had to don some plastic gloves and go spelunking one time when the turd got stuck half way in and half way out. You get over it. I'll admit it's been the worst part of this whole ordeal and to date the yuckiest thing I've had to do in life, but I'm still breathing.

When my Grandma was dying of lung cancer my dad gave her a suppository. You do what you have to do, when you have to, for the care and comfort of your loved one. If your husband's mother is uncomfortable with him helping her then best to get some help with that. Problem is how do you get help just to change a diaper?

God bless you both as you go through this.

I have to wonder why you would attack his sister when she is living this 24/7, dirty depends and all, her brother comes over to let her go out, for what, grocery shopping, pick up moms meds. Maybe 1x a month to do his "part" those are details we don't have, but I promise you, I would be more than difficult if I came home to a mess because he wouldn't do what is needed. It's not just a dirty depends after hours, now it's a leaking depends and dirty stinky whatever she is sitting, laying on. The problem and mess gets bigger the longer it is neglected.

His sister is doing a tremendously difficult job, please give her support and not criticisms. Maybe your husband can pay for an aide to come in and care for his mom to give his overworked underappreciated sister time to defuse from all the stress of caregiving, you may find she is not difficult at all, just burnt out and overwhelmed by her life being completely consumed by the care she provides for mom.

I understand the dignity thing. My dad really didn't want me to help him that way. However, there comes a time when it is necessary and adjustments are made. Think of it this way. He should. Her skin needs cleaning and protection. If the sister finds that without any other help, the job becomes too much, Mom might end up in a nursing home where male CNAs might be tasked with changing her depends. Sis should demonstrate the process a few times so he is educated on best technique. If he really doesn't want to do it, he can hire a CNA to be there when he is there so that mom isn't left sitting in her wet depends. These helpers can also perform light housekeeping as well or could be company for mom while your husband does some other task around the house.

When it comes to care of elderly family members, many choices are hard to make. The heart of the matter is that the care of the patient is the primary concern. I understand being uncomfortable with changing Depends of parent of different sex. However, dignity is hard to maintain when you are wearing a soiled garment. I have learned, by watching and doing, from wonderful Hopice aides that helped with my husband's grandmother, that you can find a middleground of sorts.
My advice would be to learn the easiest procedure of accomplishing the task, for you and her. A small towel strategically placed when possible may help. When you are the only caregiver in the house at the moment you have to make the choice. The Depends can accommodate a certain amount of urine without needing to be changed for a bit. The other, well..... dignity gets harder to maintain. Good luck and God bless.

I cannot even imagine my brother taking on this task, though I know many men who absolutely would, including my husband and my sons. I know one man who did this for his mom for 2 years. But your husband can't? He must find another solution if he is in charge part time. How about you? Will you do it for your husband's mother?

My YB has had care of my mother for 22 years. In the last 7-8 years she has required this kind of personal care several times. Brother just does it. If he had to wait for me to show up, or another sister, it could be months.

He is as kind as he can be, and just gets the job done. Mother has never complained.

But, brother is an EMT and has seen EVERYTHING under the sun.

I don't see why he can't do this. It's not pleasant, for either parties, but it's a necessity.

I change my 90yo Mother's when my daughter is not coming. I do not do the detailed genitalia clean up however since she will come the next day and do it. Hope this helps.

I would get an aide to come into the house a few hours a week to give your sister in law a break. As a mom myself there is no way in hell I’d have my son diapering me. If your husband is uncomfortable people need to respect that it’s not the depends that’s the issue. He’s trying to keep her dignity in tact. Good for him! Was her husband a war time veteran? If so apply for aide and attendance as she could receive up to 1000.00 a month toward the cost of her care from the VA. I had my grandmother living with me and I’d never have changed her depend regardless of her cognitive state she wouldn’t have wanted it and I respected her wishes. Just because one sibling does it does not mean the other should.

Such good comments here, and some lousy ones too. Fitzgerald, CTTN55, and SadTexasSister All need to be reminded that this is a support site not a bashing site!! My take is that he might be a little timid at certain aspects of caregiving.. Not that he refuses to do so... Nowhere does it say that he leaves her in soiled clothing.... Rant over... When my mom was in a facility after her last stroke, all of the CNAs would clean her up using a thick hand towel folded over that was very damp. They never touched her skin with hands, kept her gown on to protect her modesty.. Before her stroke she would do enemas and use suppositories too. Not at all pleasant but something she needed and I did for her.. It is amazing the things we do for love..

i am 60 years old and gay. i had my mom here for three years, and the last year i had to not only change her diaper and wipe her, but apply powders and ointments to her vagina and her butt, otherwise rash city and UTI to boot. you think that was fun? but i did it, because it was my mom, and somebody had to do it, right? outside care can't be there 24/7, do you know what visiting angels costs once you start racking up the hours, what a financial nightmare that would be! for all her words and crocodile sentiment, my sister wasn't going to do it, my mom would have been in a home if it was up to her but i didn't let it be up to her. conclusion: if he's willing to do it, have at it.

As a Daughter I would say respect and dignity come into place. I myself would absolutely NOT want a man to change my private things ! Helping to feed or walk or even help change sheets or do wash But things of a private nature I would want a care giver or a lady ! Getting old with a sense of pride is special. There is a limit to everything ! I would feel sad and depressed. If there is no other option then it would be different ! I throw the Red flag down. God Bless this poor woman ! And the shame. What son or brother wants to see his own Mothers private parts !

I'm old. I can tell you that I wont mind who keeps me dry just so long as someone does. Dignity has little to no consequence at a certain point in life.

Perhaps it's time for this dear one to be in a facility where professionals take care of her and the family can come in dignity and visit after others have done the hard jobs.

I'm with sadTexas Sister and Marcia7321. Hubby would not want to change places with is sister, I guarantee you. Since he can't man up to the job, someone needs to be hired part time to do this essential and other care while his sister gets a break each day to have something of a life of her own.

I'm old. I can tell you that I wont mind who keeps me dry just so long as someone does. Dignity has little to no consequence at a certain point in life.

Perhaps it's time for this dear one to be in a facility where professionals take care of her and the family can come in dignity and visit after others have done the hard jobs.
I'm with sadTexas Sister and Marcia7321. Hubby would not want to change places with is sister, I guarantee you. Since he can't man up to the job, someone needs to be hired part time to do this essential and other care while his sister gets a break each day to have something of a life of her own.

If/when the time comes for me to need help with diapers, I want my son & daughter to put me in a home. I do not want them being burdened with my care, especially my personal needs. I would be mortified & hate for them to do this!

Is there a joint agreement between your husband & sister to keep your MIL out of a nursing home? If so, maybe your husband can hire an aide.

My husband said that it was a honor to be able to take care of his mother. He also said that when he was unaware of his needs, she took care of him. I would always let him know that I was there to do whatever was needed as well. That was just him and how he was.

We are all different for so many reasons. I myself hate to think of anyone taking care of my personal needs. I also know that if that time comes I will find a way to kill myself. (Seriously) Many will find this offensive. I believe that if life has little quality then I will do without quantity. I mean honestly what is the point????
Sorry those religious folks. No offense intended

At her age sometimes dignity is unachievable. Your husband needs to help his sister and do what is necessary to help her and ultimately his Mom. I did everything for my Mom for 9 years with no help...I tried to honor her wishes and keep her at home but when her femur broke she was in a nursing home because not 1 of 3 would help me who lived within 15 minutes on each side of us. She was changed by many different people in the nursing home including men and she never complained. Look at it this way she changed his diapers when he was her baby boy and now she needs him to change hers. She cant help what she is going through just help her go through it. I was blessed to have a wonderful Mom and I have no regrets..and your husbands sister and your husband won't either and trust me on that! Be good to her while you can and no it isn't easy but it is worth it! I hired caretakers to help me while I worked and there were many in those 8 years at home and she even got used to strangers bathing her because I couldn't do everything by myself and Mom and I both were fine with that and Mom never complained because those caretakers were in our home to do what needed done. That is another avenue you can take. Do what must be done and what is best for Mom. I'm sure she's not going to mind how it gets done just as long as it does get done.

The most important thong is that his mother's "briefs" need to be changed so that her skin doesn't break down. It doesn't matter who changes the briefs. If your husband is that uncomfortable changing his mother's briefs, you (as his partner in life) could pitch in and change them for him. If you feel uncomfortable doing that, then, yes, of course, your husband should be changing the briefs. The sister that lives with his mother evidently is shouldering 90% of the care from a family member. So, certainly, when she needs a little relief, her brother (or his wife) should be willing to step in and help. Your husband, perhaps, needs to get over the hurdle that he is a male and his mother is female. He is a family member of a person in need of his assistance in this phase of her life.

Can't you change the briefs?

I never considered dignity important when my mom(92) needed her Depends changed. I have been her 24/7 caregiver for 4 1/2 years. It is a ritual for us. I take her to the bathroom and she knows she is wet. I change her clothes and her Depends. She likes to check them to see how much she peed. When I get a new case I open them in front of her so she knows she has more. She feels secure knowing she has plenty. I like to make her part of the process. Sometimes she wants me to pull them up because she says I can do it better. You just do what you have to do.

I don't think the mother's dignity is an issue as much as the fact that he is not comfortable doing it. If he has committed himself to being there in his sister's absence, he has a duty to his mother to keep her clean and dry if need be. Otherwise, it would be my suggestion to have a caregiver come into the home when the sister isn't able to be there so the mother is properly cared for.