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His sister who is presently living in their mother's home feels he should be changing Mom's 'briefs' when he is there in his sister's absence, My husband would prefer to preserve his mother's dignity...He is not at all comfortable with doing this. But, his sister is...difficult.

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I have been thinking about my comment before about men changing their moms diapers I was kinda harsh ! I think what I should of said is that it should be 100% up to the mom her comfort is all that matters at this point in her life !
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I completely understand. If I were to be in this situation of needing my briefs changed, my husband would bend over backwards and then some to care for me. However, if it was his mother, he would bend over backwards to do everything he could to help her except to change her briefs. He would feel very uncomfortable with her "personal" care, and would hire someone to ensure she was taken care of. I would think this is not uncommon for children of the opposite sex to find this uncomfortable, and that is okay.
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My mother is 96 and I take mom to the bathroom. I clean her and change her diapers. I also give her a shower. Both of us are comfortabke with this. She lives with me and I am her primary caregiver.
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Yes - I wasn't comfortable changing my Dad's, but I took care of him. I also did my Mom's. It's not about a sexual or dignity thing, it's about care and comfort. No one wants a sore bottom period. I just lost my Mom 8 days ago - Dad in 2011 - at that point with dementia, they just need to be cared for & kept as comfortable as possible - pure & simple. They aren't going to remember him doing it anyway most likely...
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Jola, what I think you may be missing is there is a point that a primary live-in caregiver just cracks. They feel as though they are being taken advantage of and it is not just about changing diapers, it is everything.

I was labeled as difficult also because I did not want the responsibility alone, I wanted others to acknowledge it was work and offer to at least do something small. After years, I snapped at the dignity preservers because I felt that was just an excuse to push off any and all responsibilty onto me. They would come over with obviously fake "well meaning" intentions, lavishing the love and treating daily caregivers as second class, lazy citizens who should continue to do everything because they just didnt have it in them and it was just passive agressive utterances. I was treated like a servant, make meals for them as guests, make sure a fire was in the wood stove, etc. One day, it just changed when they were around, I did nothing. The fact the family didnt get dinner, have heat or didnt have a commode dumped was just not my problem. I was done and fought hard for placement which never happened.

Why is the mom not placed in a facility? No child, man or woman, should have to change diapers. No one should be guilted into caring for someone either. If your husband does not want to do it, he doesnt have to...he has the right to refuse. He does though have a moral responsibility to make sure mom is cared for and it shouldnt only be sis.
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He should say something to his sister... we had this in our family with my MIL. her 4 sons did not feel comfortable at all... thus the women(wives and sisters) did take this on.. we understood completely with no ill -will... hope your SIL can somehow understand this- or maybe hire a health aide to deal with this(?)when she is out. This is not a time for egos to get in the way although , believe me, they CAN..especially if one feels that the "others" are not lifting a hand as much as they believe they ARE..open and truthful communicationis the only way... He can assist in other ways, ie - meals, etc... hope you can work this out..
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It is a hard situation. My husband changes his Grandmother. It was hard at first for him but now the only thing he has issues with is that he will not bath her.

In our household Grandma is being changed by myself, my husband, our 20 year old daughter (who is now a CNA), and my 17 year old daughter. If my husband and I are away the girls help. Now my son is the only one that I DON'T expect to do this, I feel that is way to awkward.
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The responses to this one are varied and amazing. Nursing home and/or death rather than toileting/diaper assistance?! You say that now, but when the time comes...? My mother was adamant too, but things change. She had hip surgery. Had a very tough recovery and ended up in a nursing home for a bit. I came back after a short time away and was surprised to see more than one male staff member. When she called for assistance and a male CNA came in I thought she'd fuss. She didn't. After he left, I asked her about it. She said you do what you have to do, the "fellas" (she called them) were professional. She did what she had to do, they did what they had to do. This from my 85-year-old mother who had a black male CNA. So things can change --and-- be okay if you let them. But as others have stated, everyone handles these things differently. The family will be content to allow the sister doing the care to continue to do it and handle the tough parts. I'm saddened by people's comments that think a nursing home is required if mom needed toileting assistance or Depends. They obviously haven't been to a nursing home lately. Sad. We'll all likely be there one day.
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she changed his diapers. But I see what your saying. He needs to explain to his sister on how he feels about it and ask that she be changed before she leaves him there. I could see how a son would be uncomfortable changing his mother’s depends. She probably appreciates it though. I have three sons no daughters but would hope they will do that for me when or if I need that
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So I Had to change my dad and my dad did not want me to but we had no choice,I was gonna have my husband help me but my dad said .No please No Im embaressed ! So I did it alone for as long as I could Then I got my nephew to help me my Dad said No !At 1st but I had to tell my dad He has to let someone help I said Dad you are getting weaker and I just cant lift you alone anymore please just let us do this and so we did !! SOMETIMES WE ALL JUST HAVE TO SUCK IT UP AND DO WHAT WE NEVER THOUGHT WE CAN DO ! THATS LIFE! If hes uncomfortable to do diapers then why dont you help him ? I had to go change my EX FATHER IN LAWS DIAPER! JUST unconnect yourself and do whats got to be done its just a butt we all have one haha !!I I reallyDO UNDERSTAND! I never thought I could ever do diapers but you do what ya gotta do to get by .What do we do when there is not a bunch of money to throw around! Nobody else will take care of our family the way we do ! Nobody ever wants to change a diaper even if its a baby but we gotta do it....
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Hi.

This could be me in your shoes....Only, it is my 3 brothers who are involved, not my husband. Mom lives with me. The time has come for bathroom assistance for my mother. She cannot manage by herself. Despite the fact that each of my brothers would do anything I ask of them to help with mom, the bathroom stuff is not on that list. They have made it clear, they are not comfortable, nor do they think that mom would be either. They asked her. She said, a loud NO. She does not want the boys in the bathroom with her. We have aides, but, it still poses a problem when we go out and one of my brothers stays with mom. So, consequently, they can't, and they don't. I think that personality plays a BIG role in this, not only what is best for mom. Yes, I believe she should be comfortable, and so should the caregiver. Thus, the dilemma. HELP. Me too.
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I don't think the mother's dignity is an issue as much as the fact that he is not comfortable doing it. If he has committed himself to being there in his sister's absence, he has a duty to his mother to keep her clean and dry if need be. Otherwise, it would be my suggestion to have a caregiver come into the home when the sister isn't able to be there so the mother is properly cared for.
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I never considered dignity important when my mom(92) needed her Depends changed. I have been her 24/7 caregiver for 4 1/2 years. It is a ritual for us. I take her to the bathroom and she knows she is wet. I change her clothes and her Depends. She likes to check them to see how much she peed. When I get a new case I open them in front of her so she knows she has more. She feels secure knowing she has plenty. I like to make her part of the process. Sometimes she wants me to pull them up because she says I can do it better. You just do what you have to do.
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Can't you change the briefs?
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The most important thong is that his mother's "briefs" need to be changed so that her skin doesn't break down. It doesn't matter who changes the briefs. If your husband is that uncomfortable changing his mother's briefs, you (as his partner in life) could pitch in and change them for him. If you feel uncomfortable doing that, then, yes, of course, your husband should be changing the briefs. The sister that lives with his mother evidently is shouldering 90% of the care from a family member. So, certainly, when she needs a little relief, her brother (or his wife) should be willing to step in and help. Your husband, perhaps, needs to get over the hurdle that he is a male and his mother is female. He is a family member of a person in need of his assistance in this phase of her life.
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At her age sometimes dignity is unachievable. Your husband needs to help his sister and do what is necessary to help her and ultimately his Mom. I did everything for my Mom for 9 years with no help...I tried to honor her wishes and keep her at home but when her femur broke she was in a nursing home because not 1 of 3 would help me who lived within 15 minutes on each side of us. She was changed by many different people in the nursing home including men and she never complained. Look at it this way she changed his diapers when he was her baby boy and now she needs him to change hers. She cant help what she is going through just help her go through it. I was blessed to have a wonderful Mom and I have no regrets..and your husbands sister and your husband won't either and trust me on that! Be good to her while you can and no it isn't easy but it is worth it! I hired caretakers to help me while I worked and there were many in those 8 years at home and she even got used to strangers bathing her because I couldn't do everything by myself and Mom and I both were fine with that and Mom never complained because those caretakers were in our home to do what needed done. That is another avenue you can take. Do what must be done and what is best for Mom. I'm sure she's not going to mind how it gets done just as long as it does get done.
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We are all different for so many reasons. I myself hate to think of anyone taking care of my personal needs. I also know that if that time comes I will find a way to kill myself. (Seriously) Many will find this offensive. I believe that if life has little quality then I will do without quantity. I mean honestly what is the point????
Sorry those religious folks. No offense intended
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My husband said that it was a honor to be able to take care of his mother. He also said that when he was unaware of his needs, she took care of him. I would always let him know that I was there to do whatever was needed as well. That was just him and how he was.
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If/when the time comes for me to need help with diapers, I want my son & daughter to put me in a home. I do not want them being burdened with my care, especially my personal needs. I would be mortified & hate for them to do this!

Is there a joint agreement between your husband & sister to keep your MIL out of a nursing home? If so, maybe your husband can hire an aide.
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I'm old. I can tell you that I wont mind who keeps me dry just so long as someone does. Dignity has little to no consequence at a certain point in life.

Perhaps it's time for this dear one to be in a facility where professionals take care of her and the family can come in dignity and visit after others have done the hard jobs.
I'm with sadTexas Sister and Marcia7321. Hubby would not want to change places with is sister, I guarantee you. Since he can't man up to the job, someone needs to be hired part time to do this essential and other care while his sister gets a break each day to have something of a life of her own.
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I'm old. I can tell you that I wont mind who keeps me dry just so long as someone does. Dignity has little to no consequence at a certain point in life.

Perhaps it's time for this dear one to be in a facility where professionals take care of her and the family can come in dignity and visit after others have done the hard jobs.

I'm with sadTexas Sister and Marcia7321. Hubby would not want to change places with is sister, I guarantee you. Since he can't man up to the job, someone needs to be hired part time to do this essential and other care while his sister gets a break each day to have something of a life of her own.
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As a Daughter I would say respect and dignity come into place. I myself would absolutely NOT want a man to change my private things ! Helping to feed or walk or even help change sheets or do wash But things of a private nature I would want a care giver or a lady ! Getting old with a sense of pride is special. There is a limit to everything ! I would feel sad and depressed. If there is no other option then it would be different ! I throw the Red flag down. God Bless this poor woman ! And the shame. What son or brother wants to see his own Mothers private parts !
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i am 60 years old and gay. i had my mom here for three years, and the last year i had to not only change her diaper and wipe her, but apply powders and ointments to her vagina and her butt, otherwise rash city and UTI to boot. you think that was fun? but i did it, because it was my mom, and somebody had to do it, right? outside care can't be there 24/7, do you know what visiting angels costs once you start racking up the hours, what a financial nightmare that would be! for all her words and crocodile sentiment, my sister wasn't going to do it, my mom would have been in a home if it was up to her but i didn't let it be up to her. conclusion: if he's willing to do it, have at it.
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Such good comments here, and some lousy ones too. Fitzgerald, CTTN55, and SadTexasSister All need to be reminded that this is a support site not a bashing site!! My take is that he might be a little timid at certain aspects of caregiving.. Not that he refuses to do so... Nowhere does it say that he leaves her in soiled clothing.... Rant over... When my mom was in a facility after her last stroke, all of the CNAs would clean her up using a thick hand towel folded over that was very damp. They never touched her skin with hands, kept her gown on to protect her modesty.. Before her stroke she would do enemas and use suppositories too. Not at all pleasant but something she needed and I did for her.. It is amazing the things we do for love..
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I would get an aide to come into the house a few hours a week to give your sister in law a break. As a mom myself there is no way in hell I’d have my son diapering me. If your husband is uncomfortable people need to respect that it’s not the depends that’s the issue. He’s trying to keep her dignity in tact. Good for him! Was her husband a war time veteran? If so apply for aide and attendance as she could receive up to 1000.00 a month toward the cost of her care from the VA. I had my grandmother living with me and I’d never have changed her depend regardless of her cognitive state she wouldn’t have wanted it and I respected her wishes. Just because one sibling does it does not mean the other should.
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I change my 90yo Mother's when my daughter is not coming. I do not do the detailed genitalia clean up however since she will come the next day and do it. Hope this helps.
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My YB has had care of my mother for 22 years. In the last 7-8 years she has required this kind of personal care several times. Brother just does it. If he had to wait for me to show up, or another sister, it could be months.

He is as kind as he can be, and just gets the job done. Mother has never complained.

But, brother is an EMT and has seen EVERYTHING under the sun.

I don't see why he can't do this. It's not pleasant, for either parties, but it's a necessity.
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I cannot even imagine my brother taking on this task, though I know many men who absolutely would, including my husband and my sons. I know one man who did this for his mom for 2 years. But your husband can't? He must find another solution if he is in charge part time. How about you? Will you do it for your husband's mother?
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When it comes to care of elderly family members, many choices are hard to make. The heart of the matter is that the care of the patient is the primary concern. I understand being uncomfortable with changing Depends of parent of different sex. However, dignity is hard to maintain when you are wearing a soiled garment. I have learned, by watching and doing, from wonderful Hopice aides that helped with my husband's grandmother, that you can find a middleground of sorts.
My advice would be to learn the easiest procedure of accomplishing the task, for you and her. A small towel strategically placed when possible may help. When you are the only caregiver in the house at the moment you have to make the choice. The Depends can accommodate a certain amount of urine without needing to be changed for a bit. The other, well..... dignity gets harder to maintain. Good luck and God bless.
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I understand the dignity thing. My dad really didn't want me to help him that way. However, there comes a time when it is necessary and adjustments are made. Think of it this way. He should. Her skin needs cleaning and protection. If the sister finds that without any other help, the job becomes too much, Mom might end up in a nursing home where male CNAs might be tasked with changing her depends. Sis should demonstrate the process a few times so he is educated on best technique. If he really doesn't want to do it, he can hire a CNA to be there when he is there so that mom isn't left sitting in her wet depends. These helpers can also perform light housekeeping as well or could be company for mom while your husband does some other task around the house.
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