Saying "no" to a parent.
It occurs to me that an awful lot of folks here have real difficulty saying a simple "no" to their parents.
In general, as children, we are brought up to respect our parents' instructions, desires and wishes. The adults know better, yes?
When WE become adults, WE are the ones who see the big picture. Hopefully, we have jobs, careers, families, community commitments; all in all, a basis on which our sense of self is validated.
We remain loyal to our parents, but there comes a time when their "wants" are no longer in accord with what they actually need. And sometimes their "wants" need to be balanced against the good of our families and livelihoods.
Parents who won't accept outside help, who insist on doing things the way they were done centuries ago in "the old country", who want things that their financial resources will not support present situations in which we, as adults, must say "no, Mom/Dad, I can't possibly do that".
There are also very dysfunctional folks who become elders with personality disorders, addictions, mental illness. If you've grown up with this sort of dysfunctionality all your life, you have no experience with setting a healthy boundary and practicing self-preservation.
Saying "no" to your parent is part and parcel of becoming an adult. It doesn't mean you are dishonoring them. It just means that you've grown up.
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When the parents get very old, the roles reverse; we become the parents and they become the children, unfortunately. Nobody WANTS that situation, but it is what it is. As long as we're acting in their best interest to keep them safe, using the word No becomes imperative for all involved.
The fact that your parent "wants" something does not mean that YOU need to provide it.
If your parent wants to remain in their home, great. Doesn't mean YOU need to quit your job to make that happen.
I respect my parents and they need to respect me. I do not have friends who do not respect me, why in the world would I allow a family member to disrespect me?
Me, I have no problem saying NO, it is not my responsibility to provide financially for my parents who never planned for their retirement, that is not dishonoring them..it is honoring me and my future...as they will not provide for me...after all I am an adult...equal to them, thus I need to plan for my own retirement.
I will assist and I do, yet I have my boundaries firmly set.
Thanks for this post Barb, you are spot on.
Hope it reaches the massive % of posters who need it.
Is there AgingCare merch? Please order me a tee-shirt with Barb's quote "no, Mom/Dad, I can't possibly do that".
Boy, is THAT ever true!
My mother's plan for her future is that she will have a caregiver move into an OLD mobile home that belonged to my grandmother and is on my parents' property. The caregiver will take care of my mom for little or nothing and her payment will be free rent in that old trailer, which is full of JUNK because my mom hoards. She actually thinks this is going to be a workable plan.
She had a saying, "Once an adult, twice a child!"
Sadly, she became very child like in the last years of her life.
She was about 60/40 when it came to clarity vs. dementia.
She became totally bedridden and tried to guilt my mom into keeping her at home and taking care of her. My parents were WORN OUT by that point. We applauded my mom's decision to put my grandmother in a NH, where she received excellent care and was only a short distance from my parents, who visited her daily.
My parents are both in their 80's and still mobile. I am so thankful they do not have dementia and pray often that never happens.
Wise words.
"who want things that their financial resources will not support.."
Yup.
There’s also the flip side (my mother’s story): The elder who DOES have the $ for in-home caregivers, home repairs/modifications or a buy-in at a continuous-care campus or assisted living..... and refuses to entertain any of those ideas. 🤯
A member came over to me and my daughter (who is the shul president) and expressed concern that this person is venturing out into the street by himself. We assured them that he has concerned family, but they are helpless to act in the face of this tough old guy's refusal to accept anything but the most cursory help. The member sighed and said "yes, I have a stubborn older dad too".
If your elders won't accept reasonable offers of help, then they need to take their chances.
- more she's said no.
"I want her to remain independent as long as possible but I can’t always be at her beck and call". If you are at her beck & call already... maybe the slippery slope has already begun? In which case, keep reviewing. Is this still working for both of you? What's your limit? One shopping day a week? 7 phone calls a week + 3 visits + appointments? What's YOUR limit before you say no.
subsequent enhancement of personal growth and quality of life". That's another part of why it's hard to say no to elders : balancing the risks vs their rights.
With my mom, saying “no” to her was hard at first - and yes, even scary.
BUT... long about the fifth time, it started to feel good. Really good. Mind you - I didn’t say no just to be mean or do it out of a need to control as in being a “control freak”. But, yes - a need to control MY life and the need to control the amount of chaos and excessive drama that she hemorrhage into it.
If I have even the slightest regret regarding my six year servitude as my mothers keeper - it’s that I didn’t learn to say “NO!” until I had found this site. Which was at about year five. Unfortunately.
If you haven’t learned to say “no” to your parent yet - give it a try. Maybe start with something small. It can - this simple two letter word - make all the difference in the world. It did for me. Better late than never, right?
If you are at your parents beck & call, they’re losing their independence.
If your parents rely on you for transpiration, for home maintenance (whether it be cleaning the inside or making home repairs), they’ve lost their independence.
if your parents are still in their home and rely on you and or various family members to do everything for them, they’ve lost their independabce
if your parents cannot be left alone, they’ve lost their independence.
And NOBODY has to sacrifice their life, their financial well being, their physical well being, or their emotional well being so their parents can stay at home PRETENDING THEY STILL HAVE THEIR INDEPENDENCE.
I believe it is Barb who gave us this gem “No is a complete sentence”. We are free to say NO. We are not obligated to enable our parents who insisted on keeping up the charade of independence!
I can only claim to have learned to say "no" to my parents by watching my mother, at least occasionally, tell her elderly mother that she couldn't do all the grandma wanted.
Grandma knew how to pout, how to say "my, how you've changed" and my personal favorite "how sharper than a serpent's tooth to have an ungrateful child" ( loosely taken from King Lear).
Saying "no" to grandma didn't cause anyone any bodily harm.
Grandma was wonderfully independant. Hired gardeners & maintence people, walked to the shops. But when eyesight was fading she did require help with bills & shopping. Her two daughters offered one afternoon each a week (both retired - son lived another state). They later increased to one full day a week. Once it looked like more help was needed, both chose their limit: my Mum two days, sister said one only. After a bit, Grandma arranged all the details to move into AL, walked to the real estate herself & placed house on market. Daughters found out when they saw the for sale sign on lawn! Blessed Grandma - I still miss her ❤ She said she never wanted to be a burden. And she never was.
Fast forward to now & my Mum thinks it's reasonable for me to shower, dress, clean for, shop for, drive & be on call 24/7 for my special needs sister (despite still working). Clearly as far from independant as one can be while living alone! And wash her towels every Sunday - I think of that every Sunday 🤔 Some marbles missing or what!!??
Well, my husband made me realize that my excuse for not saying no was a very poor excuse.
I told him that she made my life miserable when I said no to her. He said, “She makes your life miserable anyway so don’t give into everything she asks you to do.” He was right, of course. I realized that I was intimidated by her backlash.
Plus, I totally screwed up thinking that I had to do everything for mom when I promised my father that I would ‘take care of mom.’
I don’t know if anyone will understand this, but because my mom went through so much heartache with my brother I felt like I had to compensate for his behavior and bring joy in her life. With the help of my therapist I began to see that my thinking was not logical.
My last ditch attempt to help my family just ended by the Doctor advising me to say that. Dr advised to now walk away as self preservation. Await *the fall*. Until then... No. No. No.
It was hard to do but when Mom would then ask me to do something I finally told her I couldn’t do it anymore & she’d have to ask sibling who by then was controlling everything including her.
So we told MIL "no more" and she ignored us. We hosted the next couple of times - getting angrier each time. My therapist told me to make my "no" mean "No". So the next time we told MIL "NO" she ignored us and as we expected - an elderly couple showed up with suitcases. We acted surprised - we had told MIL "NO" and gee, we couldn't host them. They had the nerve to try to negotiate - just one night, they could sleep on the couch, etc. "NO" so off they went to find a hotel and about an hour later MIL is blowing up the phone. I said "we told you NO, good bye" and didn't answer the phone again - just listened to it ring, then my cell ring, then my DH's cell ring, and around the circle again - and we sat and had a glass of wine and celebrated getting out of the free room and board business.
She raged about this for years and still brings it up when we see her. Especially at family dinners when we visit. My DH just shakes his head and expresses surprise that she sent these people anyway when we had said NO.
The other time she was on me to knit a baby sweater for the daughter of one of her friends. I said 'NO". When we visited - she got out the yarn and needles and insisted i knit the sweater. I said "NO" - and had to deal with her chewing me out about being selfish etc etc etc. But it felt good to say "NO" and hold my ground. No longer doing something i did not want to do and do it with resentment.
My DH and I joke that we now understand why toddlers say "NO" so much - it is delightful!
I have learned to say no. I have already told hubby that when his dad's money runs out, I will not agree to contribute any of our money toward keeping him installed in a 2-bedroom at his indy living with his home health aides. We can't afford it - neither can FIL LOL - and it would be a Sisyphean effort. Oy vey.
Spot on discussion, Barb! Thanks for starting it.
With my mom, we told her not to think about clearing, cleaning, etc. Just move into the Adult Community for the Winter and we'll see what the Spring brings.
By the time Spring rolled around, mom was quite happy where she was and we started the s l o w process of cleaning out her house. We didn't actually sell it until she'd been in a NH for about 3 years.
Unless your mom has no funds at all besides the equity in her home, get her moved first and figure out the house later. It worked for us.
The best advice someone gave to me long ago in my coming of age years was to figure out what I need and what I want. Negotiate on the wants, but never negotiate on what I need. This simplified even the most complicated and conflicted circumstances.
Mom finally told me that because of tax issues (he was self employed and bad with paperwork) they didn’t have social security or Medicare and had taken out a mortgage to pay his medical bills!
After consulting an attorney I steeled myself and sat down with him and bluntly told him to stop being stupid and that I was signing them both up for SS and Medicare. I used guilt about ensuring that Mom was taken care of and that the only way they could stay in that house was to do this.
I think he he was just waiting for someone to take care of all of this for him. It was just too overwhelming and complicated. After that point he would just hand me bills and such and I took over their finances. We had the same confrontations over a will, POA, medical directives, etc. He used his own lawyer but I set up the appointment and organized it all.
The only thing that really worked worked was to lay out the facts, give him the options, and let him feel like he was in some degree of control. Like trying to get a toddler to wear a coat, you ask if they want to wear the red coat or the blue coat. One way or another they are going to wear a coat.