Dumbest Reasons your relatives can't provide respite care...

Tell your brother that mom will buy the pizza, so he can come over and watch football with her.

The only answer I ever got from my sister was "I don't want to". Dumb or sad or whatever, that was her answer. She didn't want to and she didn't . . . period!

Hey Always, at least your sister said no, mine wont even retun the calls regarding OUR mother!! This is so sad, Im 55 and right now Im trying to come up with a plan for myself so I wont be treated like my sisters are treating my mother or others are treating the elderly.

denise,
I had to practically extract that answer. My sister never does anything she doesn't want to do or thinks is unpleasant. She is very selfish. There are times I wonder how we can be related. But then I remember she and mom are like two peas in a pod. Mom is selfish and mean about it, sis is selfish but very quiet about it. They make me sick.
I'm sorry your sisters are ignoring the fact that you are caring for their mom. I wish I had an answer or solution for you but I don't. It's a real mystery to me how one sibling always gets the shaft.
Are your kids going to step up when it's your turn to require care?
Julie, I'm stunned at your brother's email. Talk about insensitive and selfish. Sure hope your mom doesn't get real sick during football season. He'll have a tough decision to make!

Those excuses from the real family really hurt! I have never been paid for eldercare. Although I do have a degree in Health Science. I have assisted a lonely elderly neighbor or in-law, and noticed the heirs not responding to any of their needs. I will help to the legal extent that I can. Then when they finally pass on, I do not even get invited to the funeral.

Just like you guys, my mom's 6 sisters and 1 brother have all sorts of dumb reasons... they in fact pointed to my cousins, nieces and nephews to do the sitting on their behalf. Why on earth you pass on to my younger nieces, nephews and cousins the occasional burden of caregiving for their own eldest sister? They think these younger group of relatives have beside blood ties to my mom, are mentally and physically sufficient to understand my mom who is 78 years old, while my younger cousins nieces nephews are only in their mid 20s or younger and are also going to school.

the fingerpointing never ends, and i remember my grandmother they tossed her around among her 7 children like pingpong balls. In fact, during her last few months on earth, about 4 maggots were found on her bedsore because she's not regularly cleaned and moved on her bed from left to right... I can tell personally it's easier to care for real babies, than parents who've become "babies" again

Someone told me this today...
"One mother can take care of ten children but ten children can't take care of one mother."

God thought so much of our parents that He actually made it one of His commandments to take care of them. I can see St. Peter shaking his head at my brother once he arrives at the Pearly Gates...
"Hmmmm....Seems you chose watching football over taking care of your elderly mother...Sorry...Woosh! NEXT!"

NO ...!!!
What an insult!
I know what y'all mean about wondering if we are related.
It is up to the youngest daughter to provide everything!
What is with family? I am so disappointed with mine but mine have "busy Lives".
So do I ... caring for our father & all it entails.
A football game?

Glad you're here ... at least you might find some sanity!

My brother says, " I can't come over there, I'm to busy". He collects unemployment and has no kids to take his time.

Julie your brother is an A$$! I wonder if your mom said to him as a baby...hang on...can't change your diappy's right now...I am watching my favorite soaps for the next 2 hours.
I have no family in regards to as brother or sister so I am solo.

Pirate, if you ever regret being solo, just think if you had a brother who was exactly like your dad and/or a sister who is exactly like your mom. My sister is mom's clone, only not mean but just as selfish. I'd guess that 75% of my life having a sister has been a waste. We had some good times along the way but far too many awful times. Couple that with her refusal to help with our mom, well you get the picture.

THAT IS OBSCENE! And unfortunately too too common to the way people think today. Self-centered no concern for others. I know people should take time for themselves but good grief that is pathetic! Football season. How is he for Baseball season is he willing to do stuff in the spring and summer????

Rip here ...
I have 3 older brothers that don't do a whip! Fork out money now & then but don't understand the daily drama.
Dad doesn't have much to say to them. Disappointed,

You guys having sibling refuse you really stinks.
I don't think I have ever regretted being solo. If things need to be done, I can do it.
I miss having support .. but if the support comes with whining & stupid excuses ... Dad & I will manage ourselves.
sorry state to be in

rip's right about that. More control if you are doing it yourself, especially when others show they are not to be depended on...still, just tacky. They don't have to give up their precious lives but a little help? A day a week too much?

I love when my dad tells me how glad he is my sister has a chance to get away and relax because she works so hard. But if I go away, always making sure someone is here to take care of him, he is angry and nasty to me for a week afterwards. Guess I must be sitting around eating bon-bons all day, every day. Wonder why I'm so tired????

I was actually keeping track for awhile of how often my sister or brother called or stopped by to see my dad just to prove to myself that what I saw was the real thing. I wasn't wrong - maybe once a week, usually only if I asked for help with something. Otherwise, it's out of sight, out of mind. I, too, am so disappointed in them and their selfishness.

Oh no, that is how sibling rivalry starts, That is WAY not fair. Remember that. Totally not fair to you, nasty parent mind game. And he may or may NOT even know he is doing it, but it still hurts!

On top of how he is with me when I get away for a few days, he is worse with the ones who stay with him, either my daughter or his sister. He tells anyone who will listen that my daughter does nothing for him while the whole time she is doing all or most of what I do, including cleaning his urine bags. He's like a spoiled child who is throwing a tantrum. But never does he have a bad word for my sister, her kids or my brother. Guess he doesn't realize that if they were the ones taking responsibility for his care, he would have been in a nursing home long ago. I try not to let it make me angry anymore and just accept that it is what it is and I know that once he's gone, I'm done with them. But after getting up at 5am to get him ready for the day and get to work by 8, work all day, get home around 6, work to make dinner and take care of his stuff until I finally get to bed at 10 or so only to repeat the process the next day, it gets really hard not to bear a grudge. Not that I'm telling you guys anything you don't already know. Good thing there's some of us around and I only hope we have passed that compassion on to someone in the next generation or we're really screwed!

I am not sure about generational issues. Some of it will be family and with fore thought you can have some control over how you will wish your care should needs arise. My mom is 62 AND insists she will go to retirement, assisted living, nursing as needed, she doesn't want to be a burden after what we have seen these last few years...

The only guarantee is it will be a huge issue in the next ten years, aging baby Boomers and us I am 39, gen X and the fact medicine extends life but not necessarily improves it the needs for nursing care will increase almost exponentially.

No one really wants to think they will need demise and end of life care but unless one dies young or suddenly it is a given for most of us. I say set up a plan as soon as one can really. We know a great deal more about aging and needs now and do learn as time goes by and you are right..It is what it is. Wearing!

Your routine sucks.
How do you retain an ounce of sanity?
Tantrums???
Nonsense!
He needs to be away from you.

If he treated you with respect, like my father does, that would be a different scenario. As difficult is is is having Dad & I living together in isoslation, we get along. Lots of respect

What are you going to do? You can't live like this ...

J- I have discussed this with my daughter and b/f. My daughter is an only child so the burden would fall to her completely. While I know she would step up to care for me if needed, I plan to make sure that she also doesn't end up in the situation I am in. Especially because she is an only child.

RIP - yes, he does need to be away from me. He has become so dependent on me and has periods of confusion when I am gone because his routine is different. And once he gets over his anger ( or forgets, I'm not sure which), he tells me frequently how much he appreciates what I do for him and what would he do without me. Then the guilt kicks in for my frustration with him. It's so complicated and so exhausting. But he actually went to bed early so I'm hoping to catch an extra hour of sleep tonite.

Thanks for the support, the understanding, for being there!!! You'll never know how much I appreciate the kind words.

Good to plan ahead. That she wants to be there is good too, but you know you don't want her to have to take on everything. At least you can discuss it before it some down to the wire.

I really under stand .. so I think.
So many of us have similar sh*t happening, yet every situatation is different.
The common thread is: We didn't sign up for this! There isn't a handbook! I don't think any of us were given a choice.

Sunday my windshield wipers wiped out. Rotted. I drove to the auto parts store to buy new ones.
The handsome guy yakking into his Bluetoothe behind the counter told the kid sweeping the floor to find what I needed.

I wasn't familiar with replacing wiper blades & told them
Arrogant AH said "They come with instructions"

I replied: "So did I, but it doesn't help!".
Broke the tension ...
the arrogant ass hole laughed.
Sweeper kid replaced the wipers & got a nice tip.

What has happened to courtesy?
I remember driving to the gas pump & having a service guy check the oil & fluids, air pressure in the tires, even clean the wind shield!
Those were the good old days!

Now, they treat you like you should be privileged to be in their proximity. Self-entitlement of my generation is galling, be afraid be very afraid...

J, and unfortunately, my generation made them that way.

I know. But don't blame yourself. Society has gotten really lazy and permissive and incredibly narcissistic. I am a Democrat, but even I think people have become crass, un-thinking and self-centered in the extreme. Many people have become too prone to violence and anger over slights, this sense of entitlement has become an absolute disorder. The generation just under me,Gen Y 18 to 30 year olds, I think believes that they will all have a reality show one day if they are just stupid enough, selfish enough, make bad enough choices, act like total morons or injure themselves in really entertaining ways...and unfortunately from what I have seen of TV these last 10 years or so they may be right...
Everything is so base and tacky, we glorify things that are obscene and deride what is sincere and hopeful.

I know enough about the mistakes of the past to know going back is not the answer, but such a self-serving, valueless society is a danger to itself.

And it isn't off topic either. When people are convinced by society in coddling their own lesser interests, and believe that 'taking what they want with no thought for others' is a good game plan in life...well you get morons like the posters brother who will 'work out a care giving schedule based on the football season'. ie. "I will look after you,(help you) when it is convenient for me." Tragedy that he ever have to put himself out to do a useful or kind thing for another person, family or not. Maybe it is fear of death or witnessing the end of the aging process we are all going through, but denial is a poor excuse to opt out of giving a hand now and then.
Please don't read me wrong, I am a Liberal and want no absolutes or "You have To's" on this, but people need to step back and look at their lives and think if maybe they could DO a little better themselves, not FOR themselves, but for others, someone in need. You don't have to turn your life over to care giving but just a bit of help now and then, would that be so hard? Why? You can't sit with an older relative for two hours or get some groceries to help out a care giver, or maybe pay attention to the discussion of medical care and possible emergencies...and not just the discussion that starts when so and so is gone the bank account....I smell greed and selfishness under all this. I have to admit I am not immune to it personally. Some times I resent that my four cousins and sib will inherit the exact same % of life insurance as I when my grandfather dies, and they have not lifted a finger, while I have been here 24/7 for years doing every task imaginable for his care. The most I can say, is one cousin on the Other Coast sends him a card every four months to let him know what she is up to. What can they do, they have lives, marriage, child, college, I know, people are busy...

I think, ."People choose what busies them."

Call a family meeting. Tell them (brother) you can no longer continue to assume his obligations, and then don't. Don't give in. He knows he can get away with it, he has in the past and there's no reason he won't continue in the future if you let him.

It is a good idea but you can't physically make people do things. Give him the low down but don't expect he will come through you could be left hanging and the welfare of the older person shouldn't be troubled by some doofie behavior on his part...

I didn't say to physically make him do it. If he chooses not to come through, there are options other than doing it ones self. Look into home care for a couple hours a week, contact the church for help, contact the local area on aging for help and so on. There is no reason that one must be taken advantaged of in these situations. Who has the financial power of attorney? Many questions need to asked. Is living at home still appropriate for their parent? If so - get a free consultation. Every non-medical home care agency & nursing agencyoffers them. Get an assessment from them, forward to brother. These situations do not need to resort to only one helping if another will not.