my 92-year-old father, who had been living alone since my mother died 7 years ago, fell last Sunday and was found the next day lying on the ground unable to get up. Before this, we had had numerous discussions about his moving out east to live near me (he lives on the West Coast; I live on the East Coast; I am an only child) but understandably he wanted to stay put in the small college town he'd lived in for the past 40 years or so and where he has very good friends and a great support system. And as he always likes to add, "I can't leave because this is where your mother is." My father was diagnosed with kidney cancer last July and he decided that he didn't want to be treated for it (operating was not an option), as he wanted to enjoy the quality of his life in the remaining years. So far the cancer seems to be progressing slowly, and he is not showing any debilitating symptoms yet.

Since my dad's fall last Sunday I've had to make the decision to put him (sounds so mercenary) in an assisted-living facility--a very beautiful one, at that--a place that we'd looked into much earlier but I'd just assumed was not going to happen since my dad was dead set on staying in his home up to the end.

Needless to say, I'm feeling particularly stressed right now, even more so today as the financial reality of the situation has begun to sink in. Within days I have already received a whopping bill from the facility; I never expected it to be cheap, as it is a private residence. When my mom had a cerebral hemorrhage and we had to keep her in various private nursing homes over 3 years, my father's savings were severly depleted and now that he needs money for himself there's not a lot left. And so I am feeling stressed about that because I don't want to begrudge my dad anything that I can pay for. The place I'm talking about has a basic room rent--and my dad is getting the cheapest room, which is a studio, and the rate includes meals; the only thing that makes me nervous is its "point system" of care, which is $60 per point; I don't have the breakdown yet but my dad is using 35 points this money or $2,100 worth of services. When I asked it there was a cap, I was told there was no ceiling. I have no real way of planning his finances, which are, as I said, limited.

I'm not sure what my options are after my dad's funds are depleted. I will never leave him destitute, and if comes down to my helping him I will but because of my own family responsibilities it's going to be real tough. My dad will probably be kicked out of the facility he's in once we can't pay and I not sure what to do next because he'll definitely need specialized care. Would a nursing home accept my dad after he's run out of money? I think that's what I've heard; that Medicaid will kick in when that happens?

Anyway, I just needed to tell my story; maybe hear from others who are going to through similar experiences. I know I'm not alone by any means; it just feels like it as I'm pretty much alone to face all this right now.

Thank you for reading. Any words of wisdom and support would be much appreciated.

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I would like to know how you got him to agree to move - my folks 88 and 87 - not doing well on their own - REFUSE to even think about going to assisted living. All kinds of problems - I do all appointments, all shopping etc. My once sensible Dad - now has no clue that they are unable - i.e. wound care nurse called 911 because she found them without cooler on and it was 100 in home. His response when trying to explain about affects of heat - (they were both disoriented due to heat exhaustion) "the fireman are stupid who ever heard of such a thing - I can take of myself and how stupid of someone to tell me that it was too hot in here and I was in danger I am no fool"! I could go on and on with the stories - Dad can't hear my Mom has immacula (and I am in the middle - and only child) Money is an issue - looking into state options. They qualify as far as their income - but I cannot see letting state have their financial assets - which isn't much anyway - especially when the state here can pay for every illegal accidents, rollovers and our trauma centers having to be closed because of all the LACK of payments from all of these things), drug treatment at no cost. etc. etc. - as you can see I have a few issues. Their income of $2,100 (SS

Carols3TJC: If you haven't obtained a Power of Attorney for your parents, now is the time to get it done. It is obvious that your parents are in danger living alone and need to be in a facility that provides safety for them, such as air conditioning.

If you have trouble getting them to give you a Power of Attorney, because they fear that you will place them in a facility, then you can do what I did: I had a specific clause that I couldn't place my mother in a facility unless I had the opinion of two doctors who recommended the move for their own safety and protection.

After you receive this document, then you take your parent to the doctors and get their doctors order so that you can make the decision that their welfare is in danger.

This is just one way to go about it.

Hope it helps.


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