Follow
Share

I usually don't get surprised or shocked when things happen. Yesterday was the exception. I have never understood why my sister(s) say things to me as I am caring for my husband. Neither sister has any close physical contact with us. One lives in another state and the other in a different city.


Yesterday I discovered that for the 37 years I've been married they thought I was bossy and mean to my husband. Not knowing I've been the object of their conversations for so long, I was totally shocked and began to hyperventilate.


Anyone who really knows us would be just as shocked as I was to hear this accusation. Now, I understand the family conflict caregivers have. Before I went to bed last night I realized that their perception was very warped.


I always seek to be open to suggestions. I realize we all need help. However, critical spirits need to hit the dust. Thanks so very much to all of you who encourage and contribute to our forum. It was a lesson for me as I have a daughter-in-law who has a tone when she talks and I often get my feelings hurt. I realized if my 2 sisters (who are happily divorced) can be so off base then I need to give my daughter-in-law a break too. I was judging and shouldn't have been.


Every couple has their own way to communicate. I am so thankful for the love I have received from my husband and the happy years we've had so far. Take care everyone and again THANKS.


To add humor to this I have to tell you something funny. My husband had been divorced for 12+ years before I met him. When grandchildren came around I became friends with his previous wife. We are good friends and she has taught me how to arrange flowers through the years. She is staying in our home as she has no electricity and she was here when my sister went off yesterday.


She said to me "Don't worry. I know if you were mean, he (my husband) would never stand for it." He no longer recognizes his first wife and knows she is our friend. It has been 11 years since his diagnosis and we've had challenges but no problems like so many have. I have been blessed beyond measure.

You should tell your sister and anyone else who's talking smack about how mean and bossy you've always been to your husband, that if he was so miserable in the marriage he wouldn't have stuck around for 37 years. Your sister needs to mind her business, not yours.
It sure sounds to me like she's got jealousy and resentment towards you. Maybe it's because you and your old man are still together after 37 years of marriage. Your sister needs to get told to STFU and mind her own business.
(2)
Report

Unless someone has walked in your shoes, they have absolutely no right to speak to how you're caring for your husband. Lots of people have lots of opinions, that they need to keep to themselves. Wouldn't it be nice if instead of criticizing, they would offer to give you some respite and help with your husband? But of course that would just be too hard for them. Much easier to just give you their opinion. Keep doing the great job you're doing and ignore the idiots that don't see the big picture.
(1)
Report

We can pick our friends but not our family members. Also, your sisters are gossips. Pay the know mind, not even to "defend" yourself. You're not going to change their minds anyway. The bible talks a lot about how damaging and evil gossip is. Gossips are usually small-minded and insecure people who need to tear down others in order to feel better about themselves. May you have peace in your heart and be blessed with many loving and faithful friends!
(1)
Report

I can't imagine where your sisters got the idea you were mean to your hubby. But to them you were bossy and their perception is their reality. But you know differently so just discount their belief. I once wrote my auto biography for my kids, but I only went as far as my wedding day. Why? Because I knew if I included my married years that my wife might have a different perception of our life. I even ended with the disclaimer that “I can’t say that this is the way things actually happened, only that this is the way I remember them”, that is, my perception.
(2)
Report

I was so flabergasted I asked how could they say that. Living away from them for the first 15-18 years of our marriage they couldn't see I waited on my honey because I wanted to. I got a cyst in my spinal canal and ostoarthritis and other musclular problems and I had to chose how to work and still maintain our home etc. My husband is a jewel and we went to the doctors with me.

All of them said since I had a very stressful job that I needed to rest when I got home if I wanted to continue to work. I couldn't do surgery and I don't do pain meds well at all. My honey agreed he would be glad to help and he did. When I visited out of state to visit my one sister - I could hardly walk. So when I needed anything I would ask him to get it for me. Because I didn't say please and I asked throughout the whole visit for help from him they think he was henpecked. No one knows how hard I worked up to 50 hours a week (loved my job and it was rewarding). It never ever crossed my mind that that makes me "mean."

Now, I am in a wheelchair caring for him. I cannot get out of the chair and come beside him and he wants to continue to do. I use my regular voice to help him but when he just doesn't understand and he is possibly going to do something odd, I use my teacher voice. Example: He took his medicine and didn't want to finish his water so he thought the stove was the sink and he poured it all out. Of course, I said "Honey, Stop!" He didn't hear what I said because I used my sweet voice. But when he took the clothes to put in the microwave I did use my teacher voice so he stopped and looked back.

We are doing well right now and I am coping - he is so sweet and we work well together. I have redirected him to mop the floor (dry mop) to give him something to do so he doesn't try to do all the things he once did. He loves to fold clothes and does it well (my daughter's idea).

Being in a chair makes it so less painful for me. I am so blessed to have it. There isn't to many things I can't do. Loving him I can. Praising him I can. Yes, a command voice - I must.

Still in shock today and I am trying not to cry. I have been active as a teacher, deacon's wife and have the privilege of helping others. Kind of alone now, and I think they should mind their own business and told the one sister just that yesterday. The first thing I said to myself "Do others think this?" Now my one sister isn't speaking to me.

This time SIlence might just be golden.

Thanks for encouragement.
(1)
Report

So... hang on.

So in the 37 years that you and your husband have been married, these sisters have spent a total of how much time in your company?

None to speak of, by the sound of it.

Why take their tittle-tattle to heart when you know very well that they don't know what they're talking about? Putting this upset aside, how much did you like your sisters anyway - enough to bother mending fences?
(0)
Report

Country Mouse-I don't know if I have energy enough to deal with them. Right now I don't know if I should apologize to my older sister for telling her to "not give me advice on how to care for him." I brought up the past and told her I did not want her interference like she has done to others in our family. I should have left the past in the past - I do regret I said that.

However, I do realize that because they do not know us, really know us - then they don't have the right to upset our apple cart. We've made great memories together and I don't need their validation. There is always a positive way to look at things - I don't want their interference as the disease progresses. Maybe this has stopped it from recurring.
(1)
Report

The one sister has spent probably a total of 7 days in 37 years and the other sister got mad and didn't speak to me for over 12 years. You're right - they really don't know us.
(1)
Report

Dump 'em! And more power to you.
(0)
Report

No one can know how another’s marriage really works. Sheesh. You are a loving wife. Your husband is blessed to have you.
(2)
Report

I have enjoyed reading your post. Thank you for posting this. I enjoyed it. You're exactly right, people don't need to be judgmental. No one knows how hard it is until they've been an actual caregiver. Nothing burns me more than for someone to say to me that they know how I feel or they've walked in my shoes. No they don't know how I feel and no they have never walked in my shoes. So, kudos to you for taking care of your husband and having a happy friendship with his ex.
(1)
Report

LNReason, thank you for this post. It's heartwarming to read about the love between you and your husband. Your divorced sisters have no clue! Just let their comments go. Your husband's ex knew better. Enjoy that friendship.

Wishing you all the best.
(0)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter